The Retropoet

1. Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
2. Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
3. Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
4. Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
5. Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
6. When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
7. Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
8. Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
9. Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
10. Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
11. All men are idiots ... I married their king.
12. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
13. Be nice to your kids. They'll be choosing your nursing home.
14. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
15. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
16. Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
17. EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
18. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
19. 5 days a week my body is a temple. The other 2, it's an amusement park.
20. Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
21. Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
22. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
23. God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
24. Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
25. Hang up and drive.
26. He/She who laughs last thinks slowest.
27. Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply
28. Horn broken, watch for finger.
29. I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
30. I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
31. I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
32. I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
33. I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
34. I said "no" to drugs, but they just woudn't listen.
35. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
36. If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
37. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
38. If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
39. It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
40. Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
41. Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
42. Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
43. Jesus paid for our sins... now lets get our money's worth.
44. Keep honking, I'm reloading.
45. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
46. Lord save me from your followers.
47. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
48. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
49. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
50. My kid had sex with your honor student.
51. My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...or something like that.
52. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
53. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
54. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

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