I'm a very free person from all points of view and I try to do the things as I want them to be. Very scared of monotony, I always need something new and special.  Sometimes I'm very proud of myself and I suddenly  see myself rising from anonymity. This is due especially to my friends' consideration and also to sunny days. Usually full of optimism, I can discover the sun even smiling in the rain. But sometimes I feel very miserable and hopeless. Nobody can really help me in those moments but fortunately they never last long. I have a little problem: I'd like to be a little thinner cause I've always liked very thin people. Yet on this matter my "iron" will survive only about a couple of days. How could it last longer if in the books I read, the action usually takes place during the war and the characters are always hungry and thirsty. So when my will becomes weak I comfort myself with the idea that a little extra weight keeps a person warm inside.
I enjoy reading very much and the fact that one day I could read the national writers of three countries in original gives me more pleasure in learning their languages (English, French, Spanish).
 My  rhythm of life depends on the music I listen to. At home, in the street, I always listen to all kinds of music (except the folk one), and the world seems to be entirely mine. Dancing makes me feel more free then ever and in the street I hardly stop myself from moving in dance steps. I have a dream and I'm going to realise it one day as I'm going to realise all my dreams: I and my friends go out for a walk listening to the same music on our walkmans; then we stop in the park and we dance. It doesn't matter if the people say we're crazy. OK, young, foolish, but happy.
I am very interested in people, they simply fascinate me. Never two of a kind. There were times when I wanted to become a psychologist. That would be a job that would never bore me. Then I thought that as a teacher I could do almost the same thing, but forever young and happy. And I'll reach it because I know youth isn't a period of lifetime but a state of mind, an emotional intensity. You are as young as the trust in yourself, as old as you defeat. You will stay young as long as you are sensitive to all that is beautiful, good and new. Not many people know that, so it will be the first thing I'll teach my pupils.
 I like working but I don't like to know I have work to do.  Maybe this seems a foolish sentence but it makes a lot sense to me. And there is one more strange thing: I will read with much pleasure the book you give me only if you don't have the bad inspiration to tell me it's for school. My freedom idea is quite dangerous, isn't it?
 For sometime now I have became more romantic then ever. In a way it's a good thing cause it helps me in better understanding the people, but on the other hand it's difficult to have such a feeling during schooltime. My conscience doesn't let me disappoint my teachers so I have to fight hard to get rid of this little confusion in my mind. Spring getting closer makes this fight even more difficult. I feel like burning, I would like to run over Greenfield and to shout exultantly.
 I am happy now, cause while writing this essay I feel like a real writer. I've always been afraid to begin a novel or something else like most of the children of my age try to.  I thought I haven't enough experience of life to write something good and not enough free time either to spend it with something of no value. But in memory of these years I began a diary; later it will help me understanding the ways of a teen-ager's soul and it will be reason of delight.
 I have many friends I spend wonderful time with, especially on trips. Yes, I enjoy travelling very much, as a matter of fact that's one of my strongest wishes. I like monuments and sports so I think I have some qualities of a diligent traveller. But I lack other conditions to satisfy this hobby, especially money and spare time, so I have to be patient and hard-working. Maybe one day someone will reward me for that. May this day be not too far! At present the rewards come from my friends and my family. I love my friends very much and I like making them little surprises, sharing their sorrows and happiness. It is wonderful to see they quarrel my anger seldom lasts more than one day. In my discussions with my friends I try not to slander anybody although I enjoy it especially because yoga imposes me to rise above my Twins. I try to fallow its rules which are completely opposite to my nature. At present I cannot be as Mahatma Gandy requires for a real yogin. I need a very strong will for this and I haven't got it yet. But it helps me control myself and organise my life.
 Sometime I like to dream of the past, of the 18-th century, my favourite period in history. If I had a time machine, I'd return to the days when love was so pure, when the knight song serenades for their sweethearts and fought duels for them, the sweet times of long and splendid dresses, of the ball rooms full of dancers. Those were the days that I'd like to be now. Now my dear reader, I have to stop the dreams before getting you asleep with them. In this world there's no time for dreaming but for fighting. I think that if one day I go mad, I'll ask a seller to give me time for all the money I have.
 In this healthy state of mind I have another debility: clothes. They have a big influence over my spirits. But this is the weakness of hundreds of girls and these problems are well known. You can create happiness only by painting lively colours. The delight of eyes this is what I call happiness, because the eye is the gate of soul. I seek colours and I do the same thing about poems and music. No colour, no life.  And so I can't imagine how one could live without music. (I have one such friend and I'm going to make some investigations on this matter.) Colours make me think about flowers. In this field I cannot afford having preferences. Flowers mean peace and love and this is what  I like. One morning I'll pick a brunch of flowers in a basket, I'll put it on a piano and I'll play the piano dressed in a thin dress, bathing in the sunlight. Oh, movies, what have you done to me...!
 I told you there's no time for dreaming. Back to school, to marks and emotions. School is very important to me because it helps me enlarge my knowledge and it doesn't let me time for loneliness. Sometimes I think I'll never finish my homework (as it is happening now with this essay), but thanks to these moments I enjoy free time better.
 I am not very good at organising my activities. I waste my time thinking how not to waste it. I know pretty well what I have to do for everything to be perfect but I don't do it. But it doesn't happen always. Time is the only "person" I never agree with. It is always too short when I want to enjoy the moments of happiness I longed for, and endless when I have to do the things I dislike. It pushes me when I don't wanna run and holds me when I'm on the run. After reading this essay everyone could understand that I am ill of time. This is a very dangerous and catching disease. So take care! Put this paper into the envelope and take your hands off it quickly! See you soon, I hope. Goodbye.
Hana  15.02.92 (16 years old)