10/27/99 Full Fury. Read some more of writing at my other site. SYNERGY_COMPLEX. Sometimes I neglect my journal because life is going along the way it should. Not wonderfully, but with all the variety and challenges it should. Since my last entry (nearly 2 weeks ago), the situation of my life has seemed to go from the standard nausiatingly hectic to crisis. I don't think I have felt this dismal...ever. I know that life is largly the "spin" you put onto events. Maybe I'm failing to see that my glass is more full than I thought. Maybe I'm noticing that the contents of my glass is foul and diseased. Once again, a large part of my problems are financial. Simply put, I don't make nearly enough money to support my family. the $1,094.00 I deposit twice a month cannot be divided amongst all of the people and institutions that are clammoring for it. In the end, I fall further and further behind in every single aspect of my life, leaving me with nothing to live on, or as the case is currently....less than nothing. Bounced checks...notices of disconnection....fear of answering the phone. Shelby needs a bed if she is going to live with us...Katie needs socks. Calvin is demanding allowance that is long over due. Great my son has become a creditor.
Again the topic of bancruptcy has come up. I was told that if I don't have atleast $10,000 worth of dischargable debt, that I am not a candidate for bancruptcy.
So I sit here... cutting bait rather than fishing. Honestly too scared to manage my fate, guilt ridden for being a poor provider. Wondering how I got into this maze...looking for an exit. I don't see one (would't you know it....my life is not ADA compliant.) Now both of my cars are in intensive care. The failure of my family's infrastucture has started and I am as helpless as a reed in the full fury of a hurricane.
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bending...trying not to break.