10:58 PM
I'm not sure exactly what to write about tonight... Candice was listening to Dave Matthews Band before she went to work, and it kind of got me in a strange mood... Right now I am watching Animal Precinct, on Animal Planet, and it's just appalling what people will do to animals...
Tonight all the shows on seemed to be about sex. I was watching Mac with Jayden, and thinking about how he's been in the past with her. He really loves Candice, but at times, the responsibility of a child has made him back out of relationships with her.
I wonder if, by saying you are ready for a sexual relationship, you are saying that you are ready for a child. I really don't think so. I know that if you are having sex, you should be prepared for a child, but I don't think it's logical to assume that since you are ready for intimacy in your life, you are ready for a child.
I am not ready for a child. I would be a great mother--I am wonderful with babies, but I don't have the money, the stability, or the answers right now to raise a child the way I'd like to... But I do feel at times that my life is lacking by not having any love interest.
I remember when Nic told me he'd had a pregnancy scare w/ Jennifer, and it made my heart hit the ground... The idea of a child scares me, and those I love having kids tends to make me more distant from who they are...
Blablabla... I also wonder if my fear of children or not being a perfect mother relates to my childhood. My sister and I were discussing my father a few days ago... Breaking the cycle?
I just don't feel up to writing anymore... Turns out that Matt's got a lot of shit going on in his life, and while I thought he was angry with me, he was actually just secluding himself from everyone. I feel bad for feeling abandoned by him when he is going through so much shit and never even received my emails...
Anyway, I'm going to bed... Got the boys on my mind, and I'm tired.
I love you, Matt. You know how to find me if you need anything. *hugs*
Night, everyone. Sweet dreams.
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