I was going to make some more adjustments to my horrible page tonight, but I find myself being drawn to a "me" page, or more, just a page that I can think aloud on... Something to hold, well, personal reflections.
Lately I have been going through some transitions that I don't really understand, and I have no one to talk to, so I write my friends. Only lately I haven't felt like writing...
I've been acting strange, and I can't really explain my behavior (so sorry to my friends)... I have been craving cigarettes and feeling the itch for a liquid pen, so I can draw... And I don't smoke and haven't drawn in years...
This morning I stared at myself in the mirror... And I felt empty... I knew that I was holding onto something that I no longer could have... So I let him go... And the only difference today has made is that now I accept that I no longer have him...
I've been thinking about Christmas... And hating every Christmas song I hear and dreading the day. Because I bought everyone nothing. I don't believe in Christmas.
I've been wondering about my priorities... Off to college next year or rotting at home? The real question is that of whether I should get rid of the animals so I CAN leave... Is the love worth the pain? Is the pain worth the love?
I'm wondering what it is that Josh sent me..... I only go home two days a week, and can't check my mail in between...
Speaking of which... I live in two different places... On the days I am here (Sun-Fri) I just wonder if it's worth it... And on the days I am at home (Fri-Sun) I try not to sound too ungrateful to my "family"... Hate them for their ideas, words, and actions. Try to be thankful that I have a family. But it's hard. I am very bitter... And my emotional distance makes things worse... I imagine... But it's easy to blame it on myself or others without searching for what is really bothering me...
I don't believe in God anymore (*GASP!*)... I don't believe in Heaven or Hell, but that's not new... And I don't believe in Jesus... My God, is Spencer going to go into hysterics when he reads this... I don't believe in the Bible. And what's surprising is that I don't believe in the Goddess. I don't feel as if I am betraying my fellow Wiccans, because we believe in freedom of self, but I wonder if not even believing in a God of any kind can still keep me within the tag of "Witch"... Who knows... I believe in myself. Sometimes...
This is sounding depressing, isn't it? I'm sorry.
Lately all I have been listening to is Tori Amos... (That explains the sudden Tori links...) I haven't heard Marilyn Manson in such a long time, I'm wondering if I imagined him... Or Shannon Hoon.... God, I love Shannon... Or Robert Smith... I took the Kurt Cobain posters down... I felt guilty turning Nirvana off to listen to Tori with him watching me...
And I wish Mina & Wednesday still had internet connections, because the rest of you don't know me... I sound familiar, but you aren't listening. You see me through blind eyes. Only those two know me like Jef did... Or better... But I appreciate your presences. It lets me know that at least someone appreciates me... Sometimes...
I'm sorry for sounding bitter or ungrateful. I've given myself to you guys for endless hours, but I never seem to be bettered by my goodness of heart... I love helping, but it always seems to remind me that I am empty and have no one... But, strangely, I need that dependence on me to keep going... Kind of masochistic... I'm used to being split down the middle...
And I wonder if I'm losing my mind sometimes... I don't know what I'm doing here... I'm just wandering around in circles... Kind of at a dead-end... And tomorrow I will look at this page, and say "Oh my God!" because I will be feeling so happy... But then I will realize what a joke I am...
"Boys on my left side, boys on my right side, boys in the middle, and you're not here..."
So empty, but I don't know what it is I can gain in this hole, and I don't know what it is I'm missing, and I don't know how to get it back. This is so strange...
I'm sorry for keeping you... Free choice. You could have left me long ago...
Thanks to those of you who haven't... yet. (A special thanks to Shade, who always finds the time to say hello, even when he's half-dead...) I may not show it, but I appreciate every one of you. And I am thankful.
Blessed Be.
If you have found this page printed out, you can find the original at http://www.oocities.org/SoHo/Lofts/8330