Grateful---------------------Not
Jef--------------------------Time
my mother------------------Graduation
Shannon--------------------Life
Trent-----------------------Thieves
Tori Amos------------------Fears
#2--Partnership / Reversed
First off, I would just like to mention that I have never drawn this card before--upright OR reversed... Lately I haven't asked the cards any questions, only let them guide me... I'm not sure why this card was drawn... Partnership with who?
I don't think you realize how hard it is to come up with things/people/animals, etc. to put on your grateful list until you sit down and do it... I got jef down and went blank...
I am just so grateful to Jef for everything he has done for me. I know the small things sometimes seem trivial to the people looking in, but to me, nothing is trivial. The tiny details matter so much to me.. Even after I naively put him through Hell... He never ditched me and I appreciate that so much... I really would have died if he wouldn't have been there for me. Just to write letters to, think about... Even when he wasn't there in body, he was there in my heart and mind. I don't know how to express how much love I feel for him... I'm so glad I'm not clinging to him like I was last year. I fucked up our friendship so badly, and I am just so ecstatic that he hasn't decided yet to write me off...
I think Jef will always be my best friend. He went through a transition in my life with me that I will never have to redo, and I will never remember finding myself alone. He was there every step of the way... I truly don't think I will ever find the love of my life. I think Jef was the closest thing to perfection that I ever touched or looked upon, and it doesn't bother me anymore that he is just my friend. Shit, what more could I ask for? he's the best person I've ever known...
I am really grateful to my mother for not being a fucked up statistic. It is so great to have a mother that has routines and a stable household to come home to... And I am grateful that we get along *most of the time*, because I am fucked up enough without having more problems to deal with...
I am grateful to Shannon (my border collie) because she can always cheer me up, and the committment I have to her gets me outside and smelling the sky and breathing fresh air when all I'd rather be doing is dwelling on sad ironies...
I'm thankful for Trent because she rocks!!! She has never let me down, and she's still a great friend who makes an effort to understand where I'm coming from and be there for me after almost five years...
I'm grateful to Tori because she is a goddess in my shallow water. She helps me feel, she helps me heal, she helps me leugh and dance and cry. She has touched me soul when I felt nothing. She has made me feel alive and sensual when sexuality couldn't be any farther away... Everything I needed to feel she helped me feel. And everything I felt she intensified. Tori has been my mother and brother, sister and lover. She's been my eyes, voice, love, and hatred. She's tasted my tears and fucked my dying body. She has made me alive once again. And with the same gorgeous, wild, red-headed vixen spirit that helped me drown myself before I was found. Tori is the raisin girl and I'm still munching some exotic form of cornflakes...
I'm really pissed at what life and time and fears have done to me. I've become a sort of psychotically beautiful-on-the-subside kind of person. I don't need my fears and time has taken its toll on mr greatly. Two years went by after Jef left--I don't remember any of it, and yet it was two years of my LIFE.
I hate graduation because I'm not sure what I'm doing afterwards... I was supposed to move in with Jef, but I really doubt that's going to ever happen... And I was really thinking about moving to another state--but I went and saw Jef over the weekend and I realized that even though I don't love him *like that* anymore, he is still the most brilliantly beautiful friend I have... I don't think I could bear leaving him here... He makes my pain and negative energy just melt away... And after these years of hurt and anger, I really need his strength. And I still love him....... So really, Jef is one of the main reasons I don't want to move...
And I fucking hate thieves because I got my nin--downward spiral and Blind Melon--Nico stolen last week... (Can you say karma?)
Well, it's 11:30. I have school and graduation practice tomorrow, so.....
Merry Part!
Blessed Be.
Me
"Bide the Wiccan Laws we must,
Perfect Love and Perfect Trust..."
#23--Standstill / Reversed
If you have found this page printed out, you can find the original at http://www.oocities.org/SoHo/Lofts/8330