Well. :) Hello. It's been a long time. I haven't written a PR in more than a month, and geocities screwing up my page (not letting me type in it) kind of made me even less motivated...
The two former entries are actually journal entries that were never meant to be shared with anyone. I started a journal for those things that I needed to say, but couldn't really say to all of you. But I guess I kind of betrayed myself by typing them up. I figured that since you have been so long out of my mind, I would give you those for thoughts (and apologies). :) All the people mentioned know EXACTLY who that are, so if you have doubts, they probably are not refering to you. Those are the only two entries I ever got in my journal, so I felt they belonged here. I just couldn't handle writing to no one... (-071498- I felt that some of it was hard to put in my page because I'm such a strong person and it felt like I was letting out too much by admitting such stupid weaknesses and fears, but I typed it out just because I promised you I would...)
*sigh* So what to tell you:? I would like to say a deeply emotional thank you to everyone. Everyone who has written me a kind word or showed any support of this page at all. Thank you for the beautiful emails and guestbook entries. Thank you for opening your hearts and souls to me, whether it was easy (most of you feel you knew me in a past life) or difficult (so many walls...), I appreciate every word.
Maybe I did know you all in a past life. Who here belives in destiny? :)
I don't think you've missed much of my life while I was hibernating.
The last month or so has been a huge blur to me. I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going.
I have strange urges and feelings... All I've eaten for two weeks is oatmeal and hot dogs (I know--disgusting!)... Hot dogs are about the only meat I can digest now without feeling faint or deathly ill...
I wasn't listening to Tori for a while. She upset the shit out of me. Has anyone else felt it? It feels like she's been lying. What's up with the front? You can't sing me my life but show me my enemy. Who does she think she is?! She hates pieces of herself, and so she presents herself as a sensitive, misunderstood fuck-up, but expects everyone to treat her like a strong goddess and she gets upset when others don't understand her. What the hell does she expect from us? Does she want society to make up for everything she lacks? And she is still holding this victim role so close to her, but she wants to be seen as the one who overcame it all. And what is this with her running off and getting married?! I just felt like PUNCHING her!!! You feel so secure until you realize that your life is based on lies... That just angers me. How could she< betray us like that? And I hate when she plays naive or innocent! ("I still believe in ignorance as my best defense...") I used to love her... How could I worship someone who I feel has fell lower than me? She needs to stop feeling sorry for herself and let go of the fronts. She's lost my trust completely, but it's hard to drag myself up off the floor to stab her pictures to shreds because I'm so upset with her when I'm paralyzed with emotion. It's a love/hate situation suddenly and I can't imagine how I came to suspect my beloved Tori...
I watched her on Leno and the Independence Day Concert the other day and at the same time I was rocking with closed eyes, I was understanding why everyone else on earth thinks I'm such a fucking psycho for loving her... Who else in our galaxy can fuck a piano stool, drool continuously down the mic and on the keys, and throw herself into orgasm-like spasms on a public stage and have everyone so entranced that she makes it offstage without getting attacked or arrested? She never ceases to amaze me.
I think I've hated her so much lately because she's reflecting me. I've been through it once, and she feels the need to make it public. She's so fucking enchanting... She's fucking with my emotions and making me think too much. I wonder if she still thinks she's so brilliant... ("I can be cruel, I don't know why...")
Enough of Tori? If you haven't noticed by now, a lot of these words are links. They're all Tori links--they're all personal favorites... :) (-072798- Somehow the links have stopped working... I am looking into why)
I'm looking for a profession, a job, a life, a home, a relief/release that isn't illegal, and a family of friends who accept me, while I'm at it.
That's me.
I'm debating on whether or not to sell my animals. They're about the only thing holding me in Roosevelt (or Utah, for that matter) now...
I had a dream about Missy (my cat) a couple nights ago... Made me want another cat. I really miss Melissa and sometimes I get really bitter when I think of all the animals I've lost needlessly...
I got a kitten on graduation, but I don't know if I'll ever really get him (he's not at my house). I want him, though...
I sold Draden to my cousin for cheap on the 4th of July because he promised me he wouldn't eat him (see what we've come to). What the fuck is this? Eating goats?! This isn't Cuba and it sure the fuck isn't the year of Christ. Give me a break!
There was a huge wild horse round-up here last month and all the horses that had swamp fever (Toggins) were killed and all the foals were slaughtered because the government didn't want to deal with them. All the healthy horses were sent to Europe because the French over there eat horse....... Now, there is only one thing I can say to that--SICK, CRUEL, and WRONG! Murdering foals (the ones that didn't have heart attacks or get trampled to death in the corrals!) and eating horses! What in the HELL is wrong with people!
(Not to mention the Koreans eat dogs... That would surely end the US' problem of irresponsible dog owners!)
You want to know what was a shock? (Besides Tori getting married, of course--*haha*) One of my teachers actually called me biased on the last day of school. I was so shocked and offended, I really didn't say what I was thinking to her... I've NEVER in my LIFE been called biased. I've been thinking about writing her a letter. Just explaining. I know she's going to find out the hard way why I'm so biased toward the town I lived in. I think it upset me even more because she is a lesbian... I felt like saying, "I let you borrow my Tori! How dare you be so rude to me!" Ahhh,... Poor Torri. She'll see.
"I can be cruel, I don't know why..."
Should I shut up now? Okay. :)
I'll try to write you a real PR sometime soon...
(Why hasn't anyone thought to combine Tori with keyboards or strings before now?!)
I love you, as always!
Merry Part.
(I'm back!!!)
Me!!!
If you have found this page printed out, you can find the original at http://www.oocities.org/SoHo/Lofts/8330