May 2nd 1997
Heard all about your fandango

I knew better from the start
But it happened anyhow.
Like it always does
its true
like a lot of things are true

And i dont
and i wont
and its hard
and im trying

because i dont want my feelings
to tear us apart
Just be careful
Because i wonder what youll say
when i tell you how i feel

If i tell you how i feel
if you dont already know.
If it will change us,
because i know nothing could come out of it
Because im not him
'God you served out a hand with two queen of spades'

May 6th, 1997 <--my birthday.
Varnished
the day rattles around me
waiting for a mention
that im alive another year
it marks a point of courge
i wear it on my sleeve
because the most important people never remember
the ones that i would never forget
i hold it dear
its a sign of how much you care
to me.
seems they never care
hanging onto the strings of old memories
i get older
as old as you were when we met
and now you're older
i am invisible
because no one chooses to see me

Silver Blonde
captivating confusion
im filled with sparkles
to hear you you speak calms me down
i am filled with purrs..when i watch you weep
you have some sort of magical existance
that i cant explain
and odd adoration i hold for you
thank you for acting like you do.

May 8th 1997
Matty
With my song
upon my sleeve
i sing

to our cancelled love
that i pretend to forget
most of the time

soaked in the cotton
that i sent you
i feel your warmth

still
through your icy exterior
i dream
_____
May 10th, 1997

Alone
I can feel the distance
that you planted
and i dont understand
why this always happens to me
while i cried a river of tears
driving back to my freedom
i need to clear this
grey jelly in my brain
and sleep

May 10th 1997
Sleep

No form
free write
my thoughts
im crying for the first time
today
last night
i cried
hard
for the first time in months
the kind where you
sobb, uncontrolably
and cant talk
in front of my comfort
I never thought, you would cause
me so much pain.
Too dependant? The one
i always loves the most
hurts me most
and when i think about it
i have no idea why
it hurt so much
it doesnt make sense
but i know what it means to me
and i feel like i hold the evilness
and if i could let go, and trust you
with Me again
i wonder if youd let me
but its not me
its you
Free Me

And it hurts to know
that i have to take the steps
to mend our wing
but im afraid.
because im crawling too
I feel
I dont know where to go
ive been insecure
with us
for weeks
i feel
like im there. And you see me there
but what if im gone
And im not making any sense
I am
Alone
______
May 11, 1997

Near Sunset

Hold my breath
cant breathe you out
im cold and pale
and all alone

my nose is red
cant keep from crying
cant stop confusion
cant stop us dying

mm..mmm..mmm..

its not a habbit
a mold, youre all alike
if i could spot it then
maybe id be alright

im not a rag dolll now
at least im trying
somehow love interferes
and now were dying

mmm...oh no..no no

dont go
yet
just
dont go
___________

May 20, 1997

yes i know you took strange pills
they helped us
didnt they?

Yes i know you loved her more
she was less ordinary
wasnt she?

yes i know you lied about our love
it always meant more to me
didnt it?

yes i know shed fuck you better
she was more insecure
isnt she?

yes i know she reminds you more of the willow tree
shell slit her wrists for you
wont she?

yes i know, that somehow, ill always be a horizion to run to
you always knew you could fall back on me
didnt you?
____________

May 22, 1997

Mattie

last time that we had
a conversation you decided
we should be friends
seemed best, since you fled to
my coast-closer, so close
but i still cant feel you near me

you asked, would you trust + admiration equals
l-o-v-e me?
sitting on a hill
eating fig newtons
watching our sun come up

lies lies lies everywhere
all but in the flapping folds of my being
i know my side of the truth
and i know which hand you used
on your couch

it was 4 in the morning
july was good
work at burger king
play with your frogs
why dont you l-o-v-e me?
________________
May 22

SOLANCO

wispy lips
framing warmth
that needs to be
insdie of me
you wanted to walk
across the parking lot
with me
holding my hand

we can go see Live
i wont scream
theyll let me in
ill hold the phone
and wathc you moan
and when you come
well drink grape juice
and then ill fall down
on my knees
you can can come
insideof me
and withdraw
if shes ready

May 28, 1997

BLACK SKIES

i think i liked it better
when it didnt have a name
when i couldnt pinpoint
why it was
i wanted that
thought i had me a blue sky

So im running after
cars i couldnt have
i cant have
sometimes im oh so tired
of wanting you
of wanting him

a feminine walk
a soft pitched voice
and a pretty face
oh blues on the way
stop this loving
STOP THIS LOVING
stop this loving
cant stop this loving
im tired, im oh so tired

of everything
of nothing
thought i had me a blue sky
oh my god im oh so tired
i want to save you
i want to hold you
and be close to you

i want to hold
him i want to hold
her, i want to be held
i want to love you
i want the phone
i want to be cold
i want to be old but
i dont want to be alone

so maybe im silly
and kinda ridiculous
he says im silly
and i like him so silly
and im tired and im silly
and youre pretty and still silly
this whole thing is silly
cos i thought i had me a blue sky

May 28 1997
In His Eyes

Wanting to scream
dont go yet just
dont go
but i cant tell you why
because im silly
and strange
and hollow
most of the time
now im shivering and stupid
and im missing you
somehow im still missing him
im singing to both our favorite lullabyes
while screaming
i am jesus
and im sorry for your sorrow
and i wish that i could tell you
why
when i am with you
i feel whole
and ridiculous
andim scared of why im doing this
Need a little joy, sometimes.