Welcome to the Internet Addiction Disorder Web Page!

Welcome friend(s). It is good that you are now seeking help for your "delicate condition". Internet Addiction Disorder (IAD) has already ruined many lives and claims more innocent technophiles in its evil HTML claws every week. We at (in no particular order) Microsoft, Nike, Intel, and the new Democratic Republic of the Congo care about you, and offer this page to you at no cost.

Since the purpose of this page is to deter you from spending time on the Internet, you will never see anything here that makes the Internet attractive. There will only be plain backgrounds, stock text, nary a uniquely-colored hot link in sight, and this glaring purple background that makes it extremely difficult to even look at your monitor. Updates? Updates!? Ha!! We highly recommend that you make this the home page of your Microsoft Internet Explorer web browser.

Ten Symptoms of Internet Addiction

1)Can't control time on machine.
2)Lie about time spent.
3)Suffer negative consequenses from time spent.
4)Compromise morals by using anonymous personae.
5)Have an overdeveloped sense of importance for the PC in your life.
6)Experience mixed feelings of euphoria and guilt from being online.
7)Become depressed when sessions are cut short by outside influences.
8)Are preoccupied with PC use.
9)Use the computer as an outlet when depressed or sad.
10)Cause financial problems from computer useage.

According to the National Counseling Intervention Services, if you have one of these symptoms you may be addicted. According to our sponsors, if you have three of these symptoms, you are a raving loonie that needs to be locked up for your own well-being and the good of well-ordered governments everywhere. We know things look bad, but there is good news!!! We at (in no particular order) Microsoft, Nike, Intel, and the new Democratic Republic of Congo really do care about you! We are going to offer you helpful tools (let's make a word to refer to them, oh, how about "rules") to assist you on the long, hard, dreary path to rid yourself of the internet. Here they are:

#1)No Clicking!

Clicking is synonymous with the Internet. Every time you click the mouse button, or even the light switch- you run the risk of re-living that heady rush of accidentally finding an "adults only" page for the first time. We order you, make that strongly recommend, that you memorize the keyboard commands for everything, including major apps and your operating systems. Also, torches are a good substitute for electrical lighting.

#2) The Internet Is Useless!

We know it's hard to admit about the ones you love, but the 'net is just a bunch of ever more complicated flash and gaudy, blatant, unadulterated, gratuitous fluff that serves no purpose but to make a profit for web-design application producers. This is the Legacy of the Internet.

#3) We Are Always Right!

Some day you may question the wisdom of our course, but then remember this: you are a sick, sick person or you would not have read this far. Your judgement in these matters is impaired. We are your eyes to the truth, and we care about you. If you ever find yourself doubting our words, just repeat the following saying over and over again until you regain your senses: "I am a sick person, but (in no particular order) Microsoft, Nike, Intel, and the new Democratic Republic of Congo really care about me. The words of the Wise Ones are my only hope of ridding myself of the Internet cancer and finding true peace and happieness". Try saying it a few times now. Good!

#4) There Is No Other Way!

Of course, some of your "friends" or "family" (at least the ones you haven't yet alienated from all that Internet use) may become concerned that you live by torchlight and chant repetetively in times of great stress and kindly suggest that you find another program to help divest yourself of the 'net. But no matter how much you "love" them or "respect" their opinions, simply remind them that they are not qualified to say so. We are multi-billion dollar industry leaders (or small rebel African countries that control most of the world's uranium mines) and invest a lot of time and talent in assuring that this program is the most effective there is or ever will be. Now, who are you going to trust more? Remember Rule #3.