[ for a while | I Remember | Good Night | Jim Morrison Is Dead | Elsewhere | On Hallowed Ground | On Screen Display ]

1/2/99
"for a while"

i clear the shapes from off my bed
i clear the shadows from out my head
i start the music spinning
and twirling thru my head
i flick the switch and clutch my heart
for everything seems louder in the dark
i press my ears- it's loud
too loud here in the dark
thoughts of your face drift thru my mind
amnesias perish in my stare unkind
i remember well
amnesia is so unkind
i fear my loneliness is wasted here
on vacant visions still so clear
on sensations senseless
and senses clear
i dream of you in desperate sadness
i rave to refute your claims of madness
i rant & rave
against my madness
i listen soundly and clutch my heart
but i feel much safer in the dark
i feel much better
here in the dark
tonight my thoughts are ruling wild
all i want is to hold you for a while
hold you still
just a little while
will you let me hold you just like a child?
all i want is you for a while
to know you still
just a little while
hold you still
for a little while
hold me still
not just a small while
i need you still
your words, your smile
hold me here
for a good, long while...

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11/24/98
“I Remember”

Slouching and sobbing, collapsed in defeat,
Wondering who has brought me here
and why,
I sit.
Burying my flushed face in my shaking hands,
Doubting my intellect, my strengths,
My own perceptions,
I cry.
Gentle fingertips— gloved— smooth, but cold,
Reach out and touch my trembling neck;
The touch is unexpected,
Unwittingly enjoyed;
I shudder.
A warm hand, soft, supple,
Pushes my hair from around my face;
Moves my clutching fingers and raises my head;
My eyes lift;
Transfixed by his stare, his smile,
His eyes burning into mine,
I look.
He takes my hands in his and leads me to rise;
I stand looking up into his icy (but warming) eyes,
Enticing smile;
I breathe deeply, but shakily,
My heart pounds;
He entangles his princely fingers in my hair,
Looks on me with hunger;
He bends his head to meet my lips;
I forget.
I feel his breath on my face,
Warm and soothing,
His hand on my neck;
But a wind blows me from myself,
And I open my eyes;
It was all an illusion,
A dream,
To make me forget;
I stand,
Alone;
I remember.

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11/6/98
"Good Night"

I awake and I can tell it's going to be a good night. I open my eyes, but close them again quickly. The dirt gets in too fast; it stings. But then again, I should be used to that by now. I open them and keep them open this time, without blinking. That will only make it worse. I begin to claw my way out of my hole. The others say the ground is a filthy place to spend the day, but I love it. It's so much cooler, softer. Not so stuffy and static, like those boxes they have in the house. I can feel the worms crawling over my face and I like that. Makes me feel closer to God.
I pull myself out of my ditch and I can feel the mattes of dirt in my hair, under my fingernails. I go into the house, much to everyone's dismay, leaving dirt and dust in my path on the hardwood floor and the carpet. Maria scolds me, says it's unclean, but I don't care. I only do it this way to annoy her, anyhow. I get the brush from my room and run it through my hair; it's thick so it's hard for me to get out all the dirt. My hair's brown and it's curly, so, lucky for me, it's hard to tell the difference. I do it, though, and clean out my nails and change my clothes.
My clothes. I want to look inconspicuous tonight, so I choose something simple. Leather pants; straight-legged and dull black, like Jim Morrison used to wear. I pull on my boots and a snug-fitting sparkly-black shirt, grab my leather jacket and I'm ready to go.
The club is noisy, busy, as usual, but I'm hungry so I can ignore it. The strobe lights flash and the spotlights shine, illuminating the crowded dance floor like a stage show. They all seem like ghosts dancing there, such abandon. It is easy to slip into the thrall unnoticed.
The warmth of their bodies pressing against me gets me every time. They are flesh and blood, warm creatures, alive and dancing, passionate, intense, wet with sweat and vibrant with energy. How cold I must seem to them, like the blade of a knife, a cancer invading the life and health of the mass. A girl is pressed against me by the rhythmic throbbing of the crowd; I feel her stiffen at my touch. She does not move when I turn to face her; she only stares into my eyes. She is afraid. I don't like her.
I push the girl aside and make my way to a man on the edge of the crowd. He is alone, or so it would seem; he leans against the wall with his shoulder, hands in his pockets, staring intently at something. I turn; it's the girl. He's watching the girl. I take a few steps closer, on the outside of the crowd. I step into his gaze. Now he's staring at me.
I move closer. His eyes lock with mine— not in fear, but in interest. He looks me over once and stands up straight. He takes his hands out of his pockets and he walks toward me. Closer still I come; we meet. I grab his arms with my hands and kiss him, pushing him back against the wall. He closes his eyes; I don't. I look over to see the girl, motionless, staring at me. She is angry. She is afraid. I pin him against the wall, my hands on his arms, my chest against his chest, my leg between his legs, and press against him, harder, closer. I kiss him still. His warmth is infectious. I want it. Now.
He is aroused; I laugh and kiss him again, harder, more forcefully. I press against him rhythmically and he can barely stand it anymore. I bite his tongue.
He groans in pain, but I still have him pinned. I am too strong for him and he cannot move away. I keep my lips pressed to his; his blood is hot and sweet and it fills me. I close my eyes and suck harder.
He can no longer speak. I bite again and suck harder; the force of it is draining him. I move to his neck and penetrate; he tenses because it is all he can do. His flesh is soft but thick, his veins large and his blood pulsing. It flows in quick draughts into my mouth; it floats on my tongue and I savor it for a moment before swallowing it down. I still press against him, to the rhythm of his struggling heart; I feel the beat of his and mine tune in, coincide; the rhythm is heightened, like a timpani drum, louder and louder, harder and more vigorous; I am consuming him. His blood is sweet and thick and to drink it is ecstasy. I can hardly stand it.
He slows. He relaxes. The beat becomes fainter as the blood becomes thinner. I am draining him. I feel him go limp in my arms. He is alive, but barely. I half-smile, as much as I can smile. Barely.
I swallow hard, one last gulp; I open my eyes and I pull away from him entirely. I turn my back and walk away; I hear him fall to the floor, wasted. I look into the crowd; the girl is standing static, motionless, horrified. She looks at me. I smile. I can tell it is going to be a good night.

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8/19/98
"Jim Morrison Is Dead"

I.
Invisibility--
The eyes of omniscient gods--
This is my threat and my power.
The strange cadence of sound
And the eyes of the mind.
These are my threat.
When death lies bleeding,
I remain.
I shall walk with gods
And all shall see as we do
This is my threat.
Invisibility--
Sight beyond vision,
Sense beyond self--
This is my threat,
And my power.

II.
Gods are poor shades of men.
Invented and assured,
Worshipped and adored;
Like abusive husbands--
Right when right,
Right when wrong.
And men, like timid housewives,
Submit,
Unquestioning.
"He has his reasons;
He must"--
Gods are poor shades of men.

III.
Existence--
A dance--
Erotic and unafraid.
Tongues of flame lick at the sky,
Engulfing the leaves from their very branches.
And the trees,
Yeilding and yearning,
Forfeit themselves
To the Whims of Destruction.
Rain--
Climax, Death--
Smothers the heat
And kisses the earth
Gently.
The stuff of life falls From the unapproachable sky,
And the ground,
Empty and eager,
Surrenders
To the Whims of Creation.

Sex and death consume all things. Existence is no exception.

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7/24/98
"Elswhere"
Women scream thru crowded halls
Drenched in the stench of rotting honour,
And I,
A prisoner of my own conquest,
Endure the memory of my failure.
My gilded armie marches on;
A death-parade thru ancient streets;
Sullied by the blood of forgotten innocents
A gilded cage
Upon me?
Or everyone
But I lie elswhere, in wait.
Children weep in darkened rooms
Entrapped by perversion & greed;
But I,
A victor of my own undoing,
Fantastacize my hatred for all.
Thirst and fear control me;
Temptation bides his time,
Redemption winks at my transgressions,
As the world unfolds
Beneath me?
Or before
But I wait elsewhere, in lies.

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"On Hallowed Ground"

I walked with lite steps thru the trees
Deep into the darkness dead
Stumbling thru the mumbled news
My queries awarding yet no stead
Staggering on thru-out the wood
I knew not the course I set
Avoided only 'f I'd repent
Deeds for which I'd no regret
Numb was I, could feel no pain
The Death that claimed a thousand souls
Vowed all but I that had been slain
Were given the peace Death doth unfold
An end to it, and yet no closure
This must be & this was how
I came to the stairs' with a priest's composure...
How I wish she were here with me now
Higher & higher I climbed with haste
Not knowing when, not caring why
Longing but to see the face
That would, at last, bring end to mine
As i above the treetops rose
Upon the tomb shone bright the moon
I soon would see her peaceful doze
The roses all around her strewn
"The dreams want in, I must submit"
The thoughts before the struggle displayed
To relive, as a thousand times before
The fateful night I now so hate
The torture suffered would bring no sorrow
To deal, so quickly I'd learned how
The night before, and on the morrow...
How I wish she were here with me now
Down upon the earth I lay
Hiding among the knee-high weeds
I slept to hear the common discourse
To see the horror of my deeds
These visions came from some unseen force
But now disclosed a different part
The night before the damned divorce
From all the good within my heart
The placid greeting, the warm embrace
The love between us oh, so strong
Progressing at such a rapid pace
The bond to last us oh, so long
The lengthy vacation taken by me
Fleeing fast from town to town
The letter that came when she wrote to me
"How I wish you were here with me now"
But then there came the loathéd night
Inescapable yet oh, so horrid
The screams, the shouts, the blows, the fight
The blood & sweat upon her forehead
The serenity of her face as she spoke
No words, I feared, would exit her mouth
Her disbelief had her made her choke
And then the sentence, barely aloud
"Why?" she said as she backed away
" 'Someday I will die in your arms
For me, you need not be afraid' "
These lines, I'd writ, caused great alarm
She stumbled and fell over into the fireplace
The flames would form her only shroud
My refusing to quit its race
How I wish she were here with me now
I stood up and made my way
My destination now in view
Soon I passed thru the stone archway
Only candles lit the room
I crushed the roses that they all had thrown
With a strength not my own I struck the floor
I broke thru the stone and the earth below
My unsurpassed rage soaking to the core
My fist was broken & bloody & worn
The full extent of my actions now shown
Before I had not taken time to be forlorn
But now the finality of my deed was known
Tears of blood I wept for her
For these blood-tears were all I could cry
Streaks of red then stained my face
As her sight banished my numb frame of mind
The memories of all she had been...
I gazed at her with sorrow & doubt
The sad thought came as I felt her skin
"I wish she was not here with me now"
As I wonder the streets, my Punishers yet untamed
I carry out my horrible fate
I kill every night, my victims unnamed
These dutiful crimes fueled by madness & hate
My soul, condemned to this lone morbid thrill
My passion for life now comes only this way
But I cannot control those I kill
And all those I meet won't again see the day
On every victim, I leave my mark
A cross on their forehead written in my blood
hidden, then, I wait in the dark
And watch as they die as any one would
These deeds come not from a curse, but from desire
Itake pleasure in death, and now I vow
To take you into my world of fire...
How I wish you were here with me now

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"On Screen Display"
Just sit here day after day
Wearing spot in dingy chair
Lying about what might happen next
Lying cold in absence bare
Full color fade-aways and black and white flames
Here I seem caught up in time
But by my glowing picture frames
My conscience leaves me behind
And I hear the survey says
Hey, we all tomorrow found
Become one in a silly million
Slip into the game-show crowd
Watch the black cat, life goes on
Full of life and then go dead
See it all in technicolor
Things are better in your head
Stones in hand, buttons galore
Hundred fifty, maybe more
Never know what we might find
When we search for what's in store
Quiet, please, I cannot hear
Sit way way up in front
Too close for comfort & my health
Try for subtle end up blunt
Sofa table TV set
Spot in the middle starts to fade
How I love to laugh at them
Hop to shopping cavalcade
Fear wells deep in me
Made-for-TV movie screen
Surfing for hours and hours on end
Already been, already seen
From out of nowhere
Here to there
Travel miles in your chair
Carry on in open stare
Muscle hid and bone is bare
Cars and stars and young and old
Ships and flying aeroplanes
My head aches, my glowing stone
Helps me drown and kill this pain
Well, so here and there we stand
Nothing to do and nothing to say
Then we see we stand for nothing
I'll just sit and waste away
Sitting here day after day
Deep I sink into the chair
Never caring where i am
By the TV stop and stare
And through all this, sitting lonely
Empty head and empty lie
I'll be fine if I can only
Sit and watch the colors fly

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