THE PAINTER
Submitted by: Sandra Willwater
[disclaimer: all references to hair color, are not my personal
views :-) ]
Julie, a blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to
go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd
jobs as a handy woman. At the first house she came to, a man answered
the door and told Julie, "Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you
like to paint the porch?"
"Sure, that sounds great," said Julie.
"Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man.
"Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked.
"Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the
garage."
The man went back into his house to his wife, who had been listening.
"Fifty bucks? does she know the porch goes all the way around the
house?" asked the wife.
"Well, she must. She was standing right on it," her husband replied.
About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished,"
she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed.
"You painted the whole porch?"
"Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two
coats."
The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie.
"Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
PEOPLE ARE LIKE POTATOES!
Submitted by: Kkcorinth
Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are content to
watch others do... They are called "Speck Tators."
Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault
with the way others do things... They're called "Comment Tators."
Some are always looking to cause problems and really get under your
skin... They are called "Aggie Tators."
There are those who are always saying they will, but somehow, they
never get around to doing... We call them "Hezzie Tators."
Some people put on a front and act like someone else...They're called
"Emma Tators."
Then, there are those who walk what they talk. They're always prepared
to stop what they're doing to lend a hand to others and bring real
sunshine into the lives of others. You can call them "Sweet Tators."
FRESH AIR
Grandpa Cartmell had just turned 100 years old, and everybody
complimenting him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I
have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."
His friends were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his
rigorous fitness regime.
"Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding
night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who
was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."
Efficiency
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.
"You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert
explained.
"She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and
cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her,
'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes
to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
Tough Cowboy
A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to
live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his
oatmeal every morning.
The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93. When
he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren
and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
KID TEST
Submitted to ?? by: "Kipp & Renee"
SHOULD YOU HAVE KIDS? HOW TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT READY TO HAVE
CHILDREN.
1. MESS TEST:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in
the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with
crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there
all summer.
2 TOY TEST:
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego. (If Lego is not available, you may
substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread
them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bath-
room or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)
3 GROCERY STORE TEST:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with
you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and
pay for anything they eat or damage.
4 DRESSING TEST:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag
making sure that all arms stay inside.
5 FEEDING TEST:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend
from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to
insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios)
into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now
dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
6 NIGHT TEST:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds
of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and
hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm
for 10:00PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have
ever heard. Makeup about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM.
Set alarm for 5:00AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5
years. Look cheerful.
7 PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN):
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your
clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.
8 PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask
the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store.
Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly
deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it
quietly for the last time.
9 FINAL ASSIGNMENT:
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how
they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet
training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can
improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their
children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last
time you will have all the answers.
Best Newspaper Headlines Of 1998 (All Verified!)
Submitted to ?? by: psekela1
1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
10. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
11. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
16. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
17. War Dims Hope for Peace
18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
20. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
21. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
23. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
24. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
25. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
AIR FORCE MAINTENANCE LIST
Submitted to ?? by: Sandra W.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US
Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing
gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."
Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."
Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
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