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Bin There, Dun That....Yeee-Haaaw!

My fav-OH-rite Xener show come on tonite on that U.S. of A. stashun, and I'm still soo riled up n' excited I done had to change my drawers three times! (Gotta put them big Dapends diapers on m' Walmart checklist tomora!)
Yessir, it's the dern best Xener show ever made cuz it's got sumthin' speshal fer everbody! You got yer Romero & Jooliet family feud, yer fellers with pony tails and earrings a' sword fightin' (Billy Jeff says they's "queers," but I thanks they's cute!)
You got yer barn, yer rooster, yer goose eggs, your turnips, and even a hickey or two (and I thought we invented them hickeys in Texas!)

In tha beginnin' ol' Xener wakes up to a rooster a' crowin' (jest like me & Billy Jeff do!) And they's a sleepin' in the hay (jest like me & Billy Jeff do!) And ol' Joxter gets a horseshoe upside his head (jest like Billy Jeff do when he fergets to put the comode lid down!)
Them coincerdences is beezar!

The gals an' Joxter wanders inta town one mornin' a scratchin' and a yawnin' and a lookin fer some good biscuits n' sausage and grits (jest like Billy Jeff do every mornin'!) But ol' Joxter, he sticks his snoddy nose in sumbody else's dern bizness and gets a buck knife to the gut. Joxter succumbs and lil' Gab goes to sputterin' and a weepin'. And Xener, she don't really give a rat's patooty, so she jest sets the dern feller on fire. But she sees lil' Gab needs some heavy=duty comfortin' so she lays down with lil' Gab and then...(well they went to a commarcial then, cuz likes I tol' y'all before, they edits all them lezzie scenes out down here...) And Billy Jeff was fit to be tied, cuz he wanted to see that lezzie scene REAL BAD!

(I heered tell Xener waked up the next day with a big ol' hickey on her neck. Good Gawd! What did me and Billy Jeff miss?!?)

Next mornin' shore as that ol' rooster crows, Joxter's alive again and still hollerin' 'bout them dadblasted goose eggs. Xena's flubbergasted, and what happenen' next sent me to the bathroom for more toilet paper to wipe m' tears. Somebudy went and killed her derned horse! And then Xener had another weiny roast with her horse!

Next thang ya know sombudy's done kilt off lil' Gab, and Xener's got a cockamayme look in them eyes, and she don't waste no time settin' lil' Gab on fire. Xener is a regular ol' PYRERMANIAC!!! Sumbody needs to take them matches away from that arse-o-nistic gal!

But Xener wakes up the next mornin' and finds lil' Gab alive and makin' them funny noises in the hay and Xener goes to bosom huggin' on her and gettin all 'motional, ....and then I guess they edits out some lezzie stuff agin, cuz a commercial for Kotex come on!

Ol' Xener tries every dern thang she can thank of to stop that day from happenin' over n' over, but she keeps a' wakin' up pi$$ed every mornin' cuz here comes Joxter bustin' in the barn still braggin' about them dadgum goose eggs! One mornin' she's so tard of it that she buries that round thang in Joxter's gut n' then she sticks her thumb back in her mouth and commences to suckin' it and goin' back to sleep.

Xena starts gettin' mighty flustered cuz she's tired of doin' the same dern thing every day. So she goes to see Santa Claus who's a'workin as a medicine man in the off season, and he tells her that some poison is a missin' from his workshop! (Oh Lordy, I'm a thinkin' some lil' elf has done drunk some of that NightsBean and died of a flatulation spasm)...but no, Xener figures out it's Jooliet that's gonna kill her dern self cuz the Capulets and Montagues cain't quit squabblin' n' squawkin' like hens in a crowded chicken coop!)

So Xener talks to ol' Romero and says she's gonna stop Jooliet from killin herself ans she' gonna re-yoonite the Hatfields and McCoys. (Xener don't know they ain't been invented yet, cuz America ain't been invented yet.) She jest knows she's gotta stop Jooliet from drankin that ol' poisoned Mylanta!

Sure 'nuff, that dern Xena saved the day!

Then she dropped another horseshoe on Joxter's head and her and lil' Gab had a party stuffin' turnips down their shirts and pretendin' they was Dolly Parton. Ol' Xener shore did "seize the moment" that day!

If'n you didn't like this epersode then it's got to be sumthin' wrong with yer dern funnybone, and I only gots 5 words fer ya; "Get rid o' that Corncob!"

(If'n you don't understand that last statemint, you can ee-male me at: whitetrash@dumbutt.com and I'll 'splain it to ya.)

WHITETRASH
who thanks if'n you don't understand it, then yore just admittin' that yore a Yankee. (It's OK....at least yer Mama still loves you.)

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