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This starts out with "Xena", well we all think she's Xena. There's this really cute guy who just let someone go crazy drawing on his head because he thought it would wash off, and he's all in a huff. She sprouting all this stuff about peace, and love and happiness. Who needs that crap? For a minute I think maybe that this episode is the alternate of "Intimate Strangers" and that this "Xena", is really Gabby, who was switched by the gods, or something.

Now, um, when "Xena" starts talking, I thought for sure the chick got braces!!! Either that or...*I start searching everywhere* she's wearing a retainer. I had a friend like that once *ring* {my friend answers the phone} "Eeelllooow??" that was mean. Thank the gods we're not friends anymore, that skank.

Now you know, not all people with braces talk like this (this is just me, trying to dig myself out of this pit I'm buried in:), nope. When that same skank had braces, I used to say that I worried about her, I thought the dentist had cranked those things up to tight, then with the added weight of the elastics...I really thought her head would explode from the strain (to bad it didn't..that skank). Also, you know, her braces, my fillings, together if we strained hard enough, we could get the radio stations from Vermont. All right, enough of this brwaces cwrap.

So, they're going to burn "Xena" at the stake. I was thinking..."Jeez, finally....someone's gonna burn her!! Yea!!" all right, lay off I'm kidding. Buncha homicidal freaks.

When I watched this with my dad (yes, I watch it with my father, big furkin deal) he's like "Hey...gimme some salt, some pepper, and a great big fork!!!" hehehe, dad's funny!!! Gabby comes along and wonders just what the heck is going on. And "Xena" is all like "If day whant to born me dat's whoakay!!!"

Now this whole segment where "Xena" (I hate those little quotation marks) is talking about Hestia and how she'll do as she ordains and all that garbage is really kind of freaky.

She reminds me a bit of someone who is so into their religion that they'll do whatever it takes even if it means standing in a pit with a hundred rattlesnakes just waiting for one to bite ya, which is stupid, because we all know that their God is laughing and pointing at the idiot standing in a pit with a hundred rattlesnakes. All right, that's uncalled for. I don't know, if I was in a religion where they wanted me to do that, I'd convert!

After they light her up, Gabby throws a knife, thinking that the poor woman will get out of those flames. But instead she gets a "hey!". Good thing Gabby's got good aim, what would she have done if that knife missed and killed her??! Now, if there had just been a strong breeze, throwing that knife backwards..and well...never mind (chanting "I am not a Gabby basher, I love Gabby.").
Gabs thinks that "Xena" wants her to prove herself to her. To save her.

Now you know, it'd take an awful long time to roast "Xena" because there's no sticks near her on fire, and she's pretty darn high up. They must've just wanted to slow roast her, like you do when you cook something in a crock pot.

Well, all right, Gabby's pretty cool here, because she manages to save "Xena" (ten times later and I still hate those quotation marks). She calls some poor innocent guy "Tubby" and makes him land on a board, so that water will splash all over the fire. *Clapping* I hope Gabby prayed to the Gods that night because she used the word "Tubby" and that's bad!!! Gabby thinks "Xena" is "Xena" then Callisto, then Diana, then Meg. Until finally..."Xena" introduces herself as Leah: Head Priestess of The Temple Of Hestia, and finally I can stop using those quotation marks.

Gabby finds Xena, and starts to tell her about Leah. But Xena doesn't seem all that enthused, I mean really, would you be if you had to listen to Gabby rambling on all day and all night? Oops, I'm suppose to cut down on the Gabby jokes. Um, Gabby asks Xena to play along and Xena does. It's pretty good to "Gee, Gabrielle who is it? I simply have to know. The suspense is killing...."

Oh, you know what? Can Xena please_PLEASE_ stop sharpening that sword. It's sharp already..cut it out (no pun intended:). All right they meet...Leah and Xena..they meet..okay that's enough..they meet. Sorry, my mind sort of repeated itself.

Short break for my theory on all these Xena look-a-likes:

Here's my theory. Run, run now, it's the only way to save yourself. I have a theory. What have we got so far? Huh? What's that you say? Three woman (four if you count Princess Diana) who look the same. They could be triplets (or quads if you count Diana:). So, either you could come to the easy fact and go "Dur, hello CB are you in there?? It's all Lucy Lawless!!!" or you could be like me and come up with paranoid theories.

Here it is. Xena was missing from the time the Herc episodes aired up until she had her own series. Now, I think the -ahem- Athenian government kidnapped her, took her to a secret workshop, stole her eggs (no, not her breakfast!!), and performed a series of weird little tests on her.

Then, they took her DNA and fused it with alien DNA and made many Xena clones. All of which Leah, Meg, and Diana come from. If you go into Ares fridge you will see, he's got little fetus' stored in green containers, marked with Xena, Amphipolis. Greece, on the labels.

Also, you never see any of the clones bleed, if you did, they bleed green!!! They bleed green, and the fumes from their blood will suffocate you!!! *LOL* I'd like to take a brief moment and thank the X-Files for all the above theory...seriously though, that even works in the xenaverse!

Back to the spoiler:

Xena and Gabby talk to Leah. Where she disses Xena's outfit (no offense:) and calls them tramps (basically).

Xena: What about that outfit?
Leah: I found this vile garment in my chambah...no offense.
Xena: Do you have any idea how long it took to meld these breastplates into perfect whirls??!! Huh? Do you? You Hestian ho!
Gabby: Xena, do not upset the Hestian Virgin.
Leah: I know you two aren't virhgins you harwots!
Gabby: How'd ya guess?
Xena: I don't care, Hestian or not..I'm gonna kick her @$$!!!
Leah: Oh Hestia, Hestia, pwease help me Hestia!! I've got a couple of harwots going after
my @$$!!!

Enough! Sometimes, I gotta control myself. Oooh I like this line "Heathens to left of me, infidels to the wright" -Leah. That certainly helps with the lines I just put in their mouths, huh? Now we all know that Leah's accent is a cross between Elmer Fudd and Paul Hogan. So she should just be saying "I'm gownna hunt me a crowckadile. Yeep, it's a crowckadile season for sure mate!" (well to me some of her words came out sounding a bit Australian..don't hate me because I'm American. Don't ask, I'm strange anyway:).

So they go into the temple. And who do they find there, pretending to be *snicker* a priestess? MEG!! Meg reminds me of myself, except I'm not a tramp and I don't drink (some would tell you differently but don't believe them, I never did any of that stuff!!!). I would have killed for the ending of that Cyclops/centaur joke. Those bastards, if they're gonna start a dirty joke, by the gods finish it!!!

Leah: Now why would I need a disguise? Hestian virgins are welcome ewerywhere.
Xena: Who was talking to you? Piss off.
Um, where was I? Xena goes to talk to Meg, who was...drinking again. But you'd better not turn her into her AA sponsor because it was just one...bottle. Just one. Ah, Meg finds out it's Xena (the hard way:). Then Gabby and Leah are walking to the tavern.
Gabby starts ripping off Leah's clothes. BY THE GODS GABBY DON'T DEFILE THAT VIRGIN!!! Uh, yeah she's trying to make her look more like Meg. But you know, I just gotta say, Leah looks like she's digging Gabby's rip off session. Like she's enjoying it, but trying not to show it.
Leah: You would've made an excellent Hestian.
Gabby: I don't think so. (*me* Yes you would, yes you would!!!)
Leah: Well a chaste life is not so bad. Well once you get used to it. You simply have to follow the Hestian rules. Rule number one, know thyself.
Gabby: Believe me, if I have to go the rest of my life without companionship, knowing myself won't be a problem.
Leah: Oh, do you...know yourself often?
Gabby: All the time.
Leah: And does Xena get to know you a little better too??
Gabby: Sometimes. {shakes her head} But usually she just sharpens that damn sword! But we have been traveling together for three years or so, yeah, she knows me pretty good.

Sorry, couldn't resist that. Get this a Kraft cheese commerical, ooh I would've loved that if it had happened after "The Deliverer". Meg tells Xena about Bailey. Xena is going to take her place. She tells her to stay there. Don't leave.

Jump to the tavern, of all places lets bring a Hestian virgin to a bordello. Yeah..good plan. Joxer shows up, and then all the crackho's decide to serenade him. What the hell? I wouldn't sing for him, I'd be like "Give me the money, talk to me and leave, cuz you know nothing's gonna get done in between." ooh that was meaner than mean. And I like Joxer!!! Yeah you heard me, I'm pro-Joxer...oops hold on, post-man's here. Ooh, goody I got a package. No name on it though. What's this ticking noise?!!! Oh nooooo *BOOM*

Joxer tries to get Leah to spank him. Then Gabby shows up, and he thinks Gabby's working there. But we all know Xena's the crack ho here...(for reference to that, check out my spoiler on "The Debt"..plenty of crack information there:) not Gabs.

For fun, you know...check out what Leah's doing when Gabs and Joxer talk. I think it's more of that "Praise Hestia" stuff. Either that or Lucy Lawless had to much caffeine that day, and she was just spazing out during every take.

Meg leaves for more booze (what a gal!). Xena finds out that Bailey isn't a Hestian. This Bailey guy is so not believable as bad guy. Like, I could picture him as a farmer with ten kids, petting a cute Golden Retriever.

So, Meg was drinking again, and she spills the beans (please she didn't have to spill the beans, I'm poor and that's all I had to eat...). So now Bailey knows all about Xena being there. Xena finds Meg and tells her about Bailey, and she doesn't tell her about telling on her, make any sense? No, to me either.

Ooh, now here's a good part. Confessional. This chick starts telling Xena all about her fantasies of squash, and you know it wasn't Thanksgiving!!! *L* I guess Xena should be thankful that the girl didn't want to talk about whipped squash, that might be some what more difficult to explain!

Xena kicks some other guy's butt while she listens to the girl complain (really what else can you call confession? It's where you complain about things that you did, to another person:). Xena tells her "Sometimes you just have to take matters into your own hands" ooh, good advice!!! Dr. Ruth-er-um Xena. The guy told her everything when she put the pinch on him.

Leah starts walking around the tavern looking for Gabs (just where was she anyway?? I say she was in door number 2!!). I repeat DO NOT TAKE A VIRGIN INTO A TAVERN UNLESS SHE'S THERE TO WORK!!!! Okay, she goes into a room where people are just um, having a party, then into a second room, where there's just a stubborn horse, and the third room...the petting zoo. Of course it was a petting zoo, what did you think it was? Sicko.

Gabby found something creative for Leah to do. The tramps are all happy because the soldiers are going there. And they're gonna have some fun!!! Okay, hold on for one second, there's a quick shot of some soldiers in between this scene and the next, and they're not the soldiers from this episode. In fact, they look like Roman soldiers. So...ahem, someone is messing with our minds trying to make us think MAKE US THINK that those are the same soldiers to save time in production. I don't mind it one bit, I like Roman soldiers. But ya know, I think that scene was meant for "The Deliverer" and they used it here.

Joxer shows up, and apologizes to who he thinks is Leah, but it's Meg and he insulted her. So she did what any girl would do (most for no reason it seems) she punched him in the face. Leah tells him that Meg is at the temple so he goes after her.

Then Meg finds Xena, and starts apologizing to who she thinks is Leah, so Xena finds out her secret of her telling on her to Bailey (I'm still confused).

Gabby has to figure out which one is which, when they all stand together, something that's not hard to do. I say stab em each at the base of the neck and see if they turn into a puddle of green goo, if you see red, it's the original (more X-Files:).

The guards catch Joxer, because he threw himself through a window. Then all three of the gals take off to do their appointed jobs. Well, Bailey is still on that "Lets wipe the Hestians off the face of the earth phase." Didn't you all go through that phase? Whoops, just me. And ya know what? He's still not scary. If he said that to me I'd laugh at him.

The little bald guy poured poison into all those Hestians drinks. Each gal gets a glass full of non-poisonous clean clear bottled water. Joxer's in the dungeon, but Xena shows up and she breaks em both out. Meg and Gabby beat up some bad guys in the hallway.

Leah chants in Hestian (we're suppose to think it's Meg, or something weird like that, I don't know these all confuse me anyway). Well she's all "Esti Calori Cai gonna hunt a cwockadile mate." and um the gals drink the water.

Then they make pretend they're dead, except we didn't see it, one swallowed and ....well it's a sad story, but one of the Hestian virgins dared another to drink it, and look what came out of it, huh? All the gals rise up, cause I told you they weren't really dead. I mean even Evil Xena wouldn't take out a bunch of Hestian virgins ( I tried to get her to do it once, being her publicist and all *LOL* but she said "No." what a spoilsport. ).

They like spit that water everywhere, who knew Hestian virgins were such slobs?

Xena shows up, there's tons of fighting, all of which the gals won (I think I just included Joxer as one of the gals...whatever:). Xena fights Bailey...what a weird fight..I think she could've taken him with two broken legs and just the use of her pinky finger. Then Leah, of all things! Leah punches Bailey, and tells Xena that Hestia would think it was "nicely done".

Well, anyway, this ends with Leah saying she may have misjudged them all, and that Gabby would've made a great virgin. I wanna know why Xena makes that face in the end. It was weird.

-CB
Publicist Of Evil Xena