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LOVE IS A DECISION......Really???

Hi Everyone.

This is a combo post; A story of mine that I posted last
November under the title: Xena's Sacrifice ~~ True Love??

I wrote this little thing after watching Crusader.
A particular scene in this episode haunted me. It was
when Xena decided to sacrifice her love for Gabrielle to
ensure Gabs future happiness and safety.

Following my old story....which I know many of you have
already read...(just go to the question below it..*G*)
I pose a question regarding Love. Ok...see ya after the
story....

*************

XENA'S SACRIFICE....True Love???

From: (Mercuric)
Date: 24 Nov 1998 10:37:54

My trek up Mt. Olympus, this time, was a cold one.
Outside the wind blew, the rain pelted against my skin,
and inside I struggled with the same elements. My heart
was frozen and the tears of my pain saturated my soul
with it's chilling wetness. Where are you Xena? I need
you. I followed the barely worn path up toward what I
hoped would be understanding....and I heard her voice....

"I'm here. What's up."

"The pain....the pain I saw on your face while watching
you put out the biggest sacrifice of all....it tore me
apart inside."

"And which sacrifice was that Merc. I've made a lot of
sacrifices these past 3 years."

"But not like this...this was.....well.....it made me feel
a desperation like no other...you were willing to sacrifice
your love for Gabrielle completely to save her from a
destined death. The Crucifixion."

"I love Gabrielle."

"I know you do....but...is that True Love? Is this what
is meant by that term? Because if it is....I don't think
I'm capable of it. I know I would hold on too tightly and
selfishly to what brought me happiness. I've never
sacrificed anything in my life to such an extent as you
were willing to sacrifice for Gabrielle."

"Really?....Never?....Your mother died some time ago....
didn't she, Merc?"

"Well....yeah."

"Tell me about it."

"Why?"

"Just do it."

"Okay....well...she had lung cancer and was in a care
facility for the last 5 months of her life."

"Did you love your mother?"

"Well....yeah...I loved her...we did have a strained
mother/daughter relationship though. She could never
accept me for who I was and I could never love her the
way she wanted me to. It was a typical love/hate....
mother/daughter relationship."

"Typical?....I wouldn't call it that, Merc. You say you've
never sacrificed the way I did for Gabrielle...but you
have. You sacrificed more. You sacrificed your HOPE of Love.
Your hope of ever being loved by one of the most important
people in your life. I remember watching you. You made a
conscience decision to let go of all the pain between you
and your mother...and just love her. You gave up the need
to be understood...to be loved...and most importantly...
to be RIGHT.

I watched as you sat hours on end as she moaned in pain...
you always there...massaging her back that bulged of
cancer. You painted her toenails....combed her hair....
kept the nurses on their toes. You talked to her of her
past...the happy moments, which were few, trying to help
her find the happiness of a long and painful life. You
decorated her room with Marilyn Monroe....sat and watched
Cary Grant and Katharine Hepburn....and you talked to her
of death...when everyone else was afraid to. You showed no
fear, Merc. Do you know what a blessing that was for her?
I watched as you laid your head in her lap and cried....
telling her how much you were going to miss her and that
you wanted to make a deal with her. You made her promise
that when she crossed over she would give you guidance in
your life. You gave her hope. Hope of there being meaning
in letting go of all she knew and loved...that there WOULD
be a purpose for her in returning to the world of the
Spirit.....

You had never cried like that with your mother before in
your life, had you?"

"No."

"Did it change something between you."

"Yeah....I felt the depth of her love for me....and I
think she felt the depth of mine for her."

"So see....you sacrificed all hope of being loved,
understood and accepted and in doing so you were given
all you desired in return. Is this True Love?...I say so.
You were willing to give up something you had held close
and dear to ensure the happiness of another. You had been
carrying that Hope with you for decades and you were brave
enough to give it up when it counted most. Your sacrifice
opened the door for your mother. Through your sacrifice she
was able to let go of all expectations of you"

"So....True Love...is attainable?"

"Merc...Merc...Merc...Of course it is. You just have to
make the decision to give it. In my case there was no other
choice. I love Gabrielle to a depth that is unexplainable...
it's of the Soul. I made my choice....just as you did with
your mother.

Now get off this friggin' mountain....it's freezin' up here.
And...by the way...your mom says hi....and is amazed that
after 11 years since her crossing you still can't balance a checkbook."

"*LOL*....okay....I'm leaving.

Thanks Xena."

"See ya Merc."

**************************************

Ok....the question is: Is Love Really a Decision?

This is relevant in my life right now and I've noticed
how when I hear someone say, "Love is a decision" my skin
starts to crawl and I want to say....really...really loud...

NOOOOOOOO IT'S NOOOOOOOOOOOOT!!!!!!!.....*LOL*

I hear....friends say it....priests & pastors say it....
books say it...and shoot...even Dr. Laura says it...*BG*
From my story above...I'm basically saying it too.

But what's wrong here? There are a multitude of levels to
the thing we call love. Friendship...spiritual...platonic..
not platonic....family....it goes on and on.

I "made a decision" to love my mom....Xena "made a decision"
to love Gabrielle by sacrificing. But where is the *feeling*?
More and more I believe Love is not "just a decision" to do
so and whenever I hear this new "buzz" phrase I cringe.
Yes, love *can* entail making a conscious decision to do so,
but this phrase is all but discounting the importance of
what the heart is saying to you. What *is* your heart saying?
When I "decided" to love my dying mother it just wasn't a
decision....my heart felt my love for her.

When you love someone on the deepest level possible it is
*not* a decision. It is the truth. It cannot be denied
because of it's strength. You can *feel* it in your heart,
in your entire being. It is all encompassing...mind, body
and spirit. It's a coming together of two souls and you
*know* you are being given a gift from God. Love.

So.......I have no closing for this...except to say...
the greatest loves of my life?......Not one of them had
anything to do with making the "decision to love".

Merc

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