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Few naughty words and such...you're WARNED...oh and a bit o' being mean to Gabby (but you should know that already).

Um what does this start with? Oh never mind. Finally my XWS (Xena Withdrawal Syndrome) is over! Do they like, have a 12 step Xena program?
"Hi, my name is ------. And I'm a Xenaholic."
Xena looks really upset! I love it. She's all, "I'm big, I'm bad, I'm an ex-warlord riding my horse and looking pret-ty pee-yassed if ya know what I mean!"
The ex-warlord asks Hades where Gabrielle's soul is, and he's all, "Do I look like the god of the underworld to you? Why are you asking me. {Pause} Oh...wait, I am the god of the underworld! Bwhwhahaha!" Sorry, they loved him in Athens for that one.
Hades tells Xena that he doesn't know where Gabby's soul is off to. I have it. No, it's true. I put her soul in a bean burrito, and I'm waiting to fart her out. *Peeeeew* Ouch. Oh look Gabby's back! She doesn't smell pretty, but she tasted good.

Gabby: Was that joke really necessary?
Me: Who died and made you queen of the amazons?
Gabby: Terreis.
Me: Oh, I forgot. Look Gabby, a huge lava filled pit! Ya wanna go bungee jumping? You first! {Watching as Gabby falls into the pit} Ooh. That had to hurt. I suppose it could've helped had she used the bungee cord. What? I don't care if she's not in this episode I can still make fun of her!

I'm going to make myself a cup of coffee (minus Gabby's soul, but I'm sure it'll still taste good).
Xena knows where Gabby's soul is. All right, who told her? Bastards!
Gabby's soul is with the Amazon's...I don't know why, she never did really count as one, did she? Oh..that whole "Queen" thing..yeah.
Xena's leaving on a different horse. She tells Argo that she can't go with her.

Xena: (To Argo): Sorry, girl. I can't take you where I'm going.
Argo: Why not?
Xena: I just can't.
Argo: (To the other horse) If she can't take me it's because she's going to kill you.
The other horse: What?!
Argo: I dunno Spuds, but I'd say you're in the line for slaughter.
The other horse: No fair!
Argo: Bet ya thought you were going to be "Xena's horse", eh? So not likely. Sorry.
Xena: Argo, are you feeding this horse silly stories about me drinking it's blood? You did that to the last horse, too.
Argo: Not me!!
The other horse: (exhales and snorts in relief) Thank the horse gods those rumors are unfounded!
Xena: No. They're totally true. Sucks, huh?

Xena looks really unhappy. Jeez, who died? Oops.
An unfortunate deer, or elk, or some kind of animal that walks on four legs and has antlers, gets shot by our grieving gal, Xena. Like the horse..wrong place wrong time!
I don't know how that shot even killed it. I mean, I'm no hunter or anything, but the arrow looks like it's in the thing with antlers shoulder, not heart. Well paint me red and call me Satan! She's dancing over it. Xena---This is no time for a dance party!! And playing MTV's "THE GRIND" is not allowed mourning gal!
Xena keeps hearing what she thinks is Gabrielle. Now we all know what Gabrielle would be saying if she was actually trying to communicate with Xena from the land of the dead, right?

Gabrielle: Xena, did you just shoot an innocent deer?
Xena: I'm not sure what it is.
Gabrielle: Why did you shoot it?
Xena: I need it to help me get your soul back from the land of the dead...
Gabrielle: Oh so an innocent animal from nature suffers for me, who's already dead? I think not! Go to Hades and get that deer's life back! You're so violent. Why must you always kill, kill, kill? Can't you ever do anything that doesn't involve death?
Xena: Why are you yelling at me? I love you!
Gabrielle: I don't care. I will no longer communicate with you from the dead until you get that deer's life back. And don't even think about killing that horse and drinking it's blood!
Xena: Crap...
Gabrielle: And lay off the peyote. Don't you think you have enough problems with all that opium you're always smoking? And then you wonder why your sword arm shakes and why you have diaherria all the time.
Xena: *sniffle* Gabs, I just want you back here.
Gabrielle: Why?
Xena: It's just not the same when you down me in the spirit world. I need to be downed face to face.
Gabrielle: Was that line intentional subtext?
Xena: You know what...you can rot!
Gabrielle: *gasp*
Xena: Yeah you heard me. I have a firepit here, maybe when I get your spirit back you can jump in it!
Gabrielle: *gasp* (terminates the spirit world to the living world connection with these final words) How dare you!

So in her head Xena tells Gabrielle all about how she's traveling a dark road, or something...and how she's remembering the past. She's also playing with deer guts.
Xena remembers her and Borias being naughty. I swear everytime they do the naughty, they get naughtier! Something tells me if their personalities were in the present, they'd be the "Hey there's a public waterfountain..wanna do it?" type of couple.
Borias asks Xena what would she do if he told her he was in love. Xena's natural reaction is one of death. "I'd cut out your sweethearts throat" Um, what does her throat have to do with anything? Wouldn't you want to cut out her heart first? Heart=Love ..for Xena is Love=Throat..what a freak. No wonder why she's evil.
Borias tells her he means her. Duh, Xena! Xena says people like her and Borias don't fall in love. That's true. Know why? Because love equals throat, that's why.
Xena wants to take on the Amazons. Borias says the Centaurs would be better, 'cause then they could form an alliance.
Ooh Xena's got dust on her face...oh it's just my TV, better dust it. I've barely touched the thing in 15 weeks.
Hmm Alti shows up, with her assistant Anokin. She made it a point to take off Anokins cloak, so one can only wonder at the meaning of that.

Alti: The Amazons expelled me from their number because my power was too great.
Xena: I think they expelled you because of your eye makeup! Black is so Egyptian, Alti! Get with the times.
Alti: Congratulations.
Xena: What?
Alti: You've won a million dinars with "Publishers Clearing House".
Xena: What?!! (Jumping into Borias' arms) Oh BORY!! We won! We finally won! Thank the gods you like that "Field & Stream" magazine! 
Borias: Now ve can geet dat new yurt like ve alvays vanted!
Xena: (To Borias) And those "How to speak proper Greek" classes you need!

Alti tells Xena that she's preggers. Xena already knew that. It's news to Borias though.
Xena tells Alti to make herself at home.
Borias thinks that a shamaness like Alti can only mean trouble. Xena likes trouble, Borias.
Did it occur to anyone that Xena sounds like one of those women that smokes five packs of Winston cigarettes a day when she says that? You know they answer the phone, "HELLO" and they sound like a computer chip?
They show a close up of Alti's clothing, and we see Xena in the present putting on the same thing and dancing to MTV's "THE GRIND" again. Oh yeah, well in "The Grind" they never wiped deer blood on their head. But it's a new trend. Hmm, I don't even think that show is on anymore. I'm wondering now. It's been a while since I've even watched MTV..remember 15 weeks of not touching my TV!
So Xena's new outfit consists of buckskin, and antlers. I hope it's not hunting season over there.

Two Drunk guys are hunting in the forest.

*BOOM*

"Look, Jed, I shot another one!"

"Uh, Billy Ray Jay Bob, that ain't no deer!"

"Aw shucks, Jed. Let's bury her in the swamp and never ever tell the sheriff, okay?"

"Shure, s'long as ya buy me a brewsky I ain't telling no damn federa..feder agent..fed...freakin cops..."

They hoist Xena into the back of their pickup truck and cover her with a tarp.

"Hey! Where the hell am I?" Xena yells from under the tarp.

"Billy Ray Jay..why the hell is your name so long? She's awake!"

"Well *burp* Obvassly, I didn't shoot 'er good enuff."

"Shoot her again damn it and put her in the swamp afore someone notices."

"I ain't shooting the little missy again, Jed. I already shot her once!"

"Well what the hell is she wearing antlers for? She looks like a damn deer. She needs ta git out of that there hat!"

"Billy Ray, are you thinking what I'm a'thinkin?"

"Are you a'thinkin about your achy breaky heart?"

"No!" Jed crushes a beercan against his forehead to emphasize his statement.

"Are you a'thinkin 'bout shooting 'er dead, stealin her hat, and playing that ..that there city game?"

"What city game?"

"Where y'all grab a gun and git drunk like we's all are...and then...try to find yer buddy dressed in a deer hat and shoot 'em till he's dead?"

"Well I'll be..that's exactly what I was a'thinkin!"

Meanwhile, Xena's in the back of the pickup, looking at one of her antlers, which has been shot off by a drunk.
The next time we see Xena, she's lowering Jed and Billy Ray's bodies into a swamp.

How could she?

That had no point. Well then...carry on. 
Xena finds a dead Amazon on a tree. She got pegged there, I guess, with a giant blowdart thingie! Skewered! Skewered!! My favorite word. Xena also has eyeliner on, and she didn't have it before, but it looks good.
Some guys try to fight her over Ms. Skewered, but she wins. A bunch of Amazons are watching her from a hill.
Xena has a funeral for Ms. Skewered.
Xena has some memories of Gabrielle. Oh Xena, did you have to? The episode was going so good!! It was sad, I suppose.
Has Gabby ever really been dead yet? I don't think so..I think this was the first actual time she died and stayed dead (that sounded mean, and I didn't even mean for it to sound mean..I'm such a meanie!).
Xena's all upset 'cause her friend Anokin is dead. Borias tells her they need to go, but Xena won't leave without her friend.
Then the little girl (who's the older chick telling this little bit of info here) holds up a rake and is all like, "If you don't leave me alone, I'm going to gather you and put you in a big garbage bag that looks like a pumpkin!"
Borias saves the girl.
We see Alti (boy that Alti sure is salty! Bet she can make your blood pressure real high) with the dead Anokin. Xena's telling her it's too late, but Alti tells her she can see Anokin again.
Xena kills the horse and drinks it's blood. Then she gyrates to Madonna's "Borderline" and eventually that song will send anyone to the land of the dead.
Xena appears above herself "Hey look, is that me? I think it is!" but then just heads on over to the land of the dead anyway.
Xena chats with Ms. Skewered and tells about her first adventure in the land of the dead.
Xena went to see Anikon with Alti. And Anokin wasn't happy to see her. That got Xena mad, because since Anokin's dead she can't lop off her head or anything equally as satisfying. Alti says something about that there is a vengeance for the dead.
Xena wakes up to Borias smacking her on the face. Borias is upset.
Poor Borias! Imagine all the crap he has to put up with! First off, he's a warlord. So he has all the warlord duties to attend to. You know, make sure all of the soldiers are up in the morning, feeding them, murdering, raiding, pillaging, and all that good stuff. Then he has to worry about his pregnant girlfriend going over to the land of the dead every ole time she feels like it.
Xena forgot about the dead person lying next to her. Borias isn't happy about that either.
Alti tells Xena she can make her into a destroyer of nations. Cool. Chick, hey, I'm over here in NH. Do ya think you could swing by and make me Governor? I mean, while you're handing out these cool titles, I want one!
Xena has a chat with Cyan, the Queen of the Amazons. Apparently because of Alti they can't reach the gates of eternity. *sniffle* They can't even climb the gates of eternity! Therefore, they have no peace.
Xena ask where the gate is, but then realizes that she needs to help these wandering Amazons first, 'cause Gabby would've wanted it that way. No no, if Gabby got her way, that horse and deer would still be alive.
Meanwhile all those Amazons that were watching on the hill, move her body to safety.
Alti tried to make Xena kill the little Greek orphan girl (who surprisingly enough wasn't Callisto *another sniffle here*). Xena doesn't kill her.
Anyway, Xena ends up fighting for the Amazons. She fights the bezerker.
The bezerker has this really cool power of having everything in Xena's past affect her like it was happening again.
So Xena feels all the pain of the gauntlet, Callisto whacking her, and her legs breaking over again. Talk about your vivid memories!
Xena finds out that Alti's spirit was in the horse.
Alti's more powerful, and more scary (though she was pretty scary anyway, someone needs to make her over..I'm counting on Jenny Jones), but Xena will win.

-CB
Sheesh it's been a while, eh?
Publicist of Evil Xena

for more parody/spoiler thingies: http://members.tripod.com/~xanthalian_phenem/funny.html

;-)