Singing* "I have to admit its getting better;
Its getting better all the time.."

I love Halloween! I know I'm not supposed to , but I can't
help it. Halloween is one of my favorite times of the year.
I love the changing colors of the foliage and the
Jack-O-Lanterns, ghost, goblins…and cheesy scary movies!

This week's episode was just that; a cheesy scary movie.
I don't say this as an insult either. It was a lot of fun!
It had some dufus wandering around in the woods after dark,
a creepy old windmill, full moon and a guy running around in
a rubber monster suit. It was hilarious…and a lotta fun!

The story opens with this old dude wandering around in thee
woods after dark. He's lost his dog Toto and just has to get
him home so he'll be safe. (Never mind that poor old Toto
has probably been cooped up with this old dude and now simply
wants to get out of the house….maybe find a date and hang out
on the corner with his friends). "Hey man; I like ya too,
but gimme some BREATHING ROOM here…k?" Unfortunately Toto
shoulda stayed home this evening cuz this is a cheesy horror
flick and everyone knows that domestic animals are always
the first to go…right?

So Old dude is out in the woods looking for his doggy and Toto
shows up barking his little head off. Old dude can't speak "Lassie-talk" and stands there with his thumb lodged where the
moon don't shine. Toto sighs (I swear ya could see the disgust
on this dog's face) and rushes off into the underbrush. Sure
enough, we hear a growl, then a yelp as Toto valiantly becomes
a Big Mac for this cheesy monster. Old dude hears it , turns
around and he finally realizes what Toto was trying to tell him.
Too late though as he also becomes a Happy Meal. Burp

Next we return to the scene where Gabby fell into that lava pit
last season. Joxer sits at the edge…mourning the loss of his
friend. Good old Joxer! If you've ever experienced unrequited
love, then ya hafta feel for the guy. He's dropping flowers (daisies…Gabby's favorite) down into the pit. Joxer is really
down and I can't think of anything funny to say here, so I'll
move on.

Ok, there is one funny part. He drops a daisy into the pit
and an arm reaches up and grabs his hand. Scared him to
death! LOL! But its Xena. She has been down in that pit
looking for Gabby and when she climbs out, she tells Joxer
that Gabby is still alive. Xena tells Joxer about her vision
which proves the Gabster is alive right now. Joxer thinks
Xena is still in shock and doesn't believe her. (I guess he
doesn't know about Xena's little "Magical Mystery Tour" that
she went on last week). : )

So anyway, Xena figures Gabby would have gone back to Potadia
and she and Joxer head out that way. They arrive in the
fairyland of Gabrielle's hometown to find children playing and everyone having a good old time. I guess its true. Life
really does go on. A puppeteer entertains a group of children
and Joxer plants himself right down in front of these kids
to watch the show. He so big that I'm sure the poor children
had trouble seeing the rest of the show. (I would have stuck
bubble gum in his hair for that).

Xena gets an odd feeling and she turns to see Gabrielle
across the square! Time slows down and they stare at one
another for a sec or two before recognition finally sets in.
Then, happily they walk toward one another. However, before
they can say anything, Joxer steps between them (again ruining
the moment). That boy is soooo happy to see Gabrielle….almost
like a puppy whose seen its master after having been alone
for a long time. Gabby grins, hugs him and then….plants a
big old wet smoochy kiss right on dat boy's mouth! I swear
she really did! I 'bout died right then and there! If only
she'd do that to yours truly! Swoon

Ahem… Blush Anyway, Joxer faints and Xena and Gabs embrace,
cry a lot and then we learn that Gabby had sent Xena a buncha
messages but Xena never got em. (How could she? Xena was
tripping through the Land of Oz with the little people…remember)?

Gabby explains that when they fell into the lava pit, she
somehow got knocked into a niche in the wall. (Now I "know"
I've read this scenario in at least a couple of fan fic stories
as well as seen folks talk about it in the Netforum. So ya
can't tell me that TPTB don't take a peek in here every now
and then just to gauge our reaction).

So Gabby wants to know how Xena knew to look for her in
Potadia…or even how she knew she was even alive. (Little
warning bells are going off in my head right now cuz Gabby
just doesn't seem as happy to see Xena as she should.) Xena
explains the vision she had and how she sensed all this danger
around Gabrielle. That's when Gabby tells Xena that there
is danger here. Joxer (who'd recovered from his swoon and
wandered off) returns and tells the duo that he's found
something odd.

Now it sort of gets strange here. I dunno if it was bad
editing or what, but in Potadia it was around midday when
they found Gabby. Joxer had been gone for only around 10
minutes or so before he returned. When they get to where
Joxer leads them, they find the Old dude hanging in a tree.
But what's really weird is that its now dark! Not late
afternoon or dusk…it's nighttime! So what happened?

Ok, so they return to Gabby's house where her parents are
less than thrilled at meeting Xena. Seems they blame Xena
for taking their daughter away from them. They ask who the
guy (Joxer) is and Gabby smiles and introduces her parents
to Xena. Ok, warning bells are going off in my head right
now cuz Gabrielle completely ignored Joxer here as well as
her parents' inquiry as to who he is. Something just ain't
kosher here. (Picture clearing up any gang?) Gabrielle
might not be crazy about Joxer, but she ain't rude. Not usually.

Xena and Dad are then left alone as everyone moves off
into another room and there is an awkward, uncomfortable
silence. Daddy doesn't like Xena (and who could blame him)?
I probably wouldn't like my daughter's boyfriends either. Grin

Ok, now Xena and Gabby have left and are out in the old creepy windmill. It is night and a storm has blown in (ooh….spooky)!
They have slaughtered a chicken and hung it up on a hook as
bait for this monster. Xena frets about the weather and Gabby consoles her, telling Xena that she never gives up, no matter
what the odds, the cost, the pain. (Something about the way
she sez that). Xena looks at her oddly but shrugs it off.
The wind blows the door open and Xena closes it. When she
turns back around, the chicken carcass is gone! Ooh……!

Xena whips out her mighty chakram and they begin to search
around the old mill while this creepy music plays. Jinkies!
I'm thinking Shaggy and Scooby Doo are gonna pop up and ask
for a Scooby snack about right now. But they don't and
lightning flashes and ya see something sneaking up behind
Gabrielle. It's the Creature form the Black Lagoon! Aaaiiii!!! (Well, it looked like it). This thing really looks like
a guy in a big old rubber monster suit. It isn't even
semi-realistic either. I suppose the FX guys spent their
budget on those weird mind-altering scenes in last week's show.

The monster attacks but in doing so, it rushes completely by Gabrielle, never glancing at her. Xena throws her chakram at
it and it bats it aside easily, knocking it up into a wall.
(A recurring theme). Then it runs by Gabby again and pretty
much wipes up the floor with Xena.

(Ok, if ya haven't realized that this ain't the Gabster by
now, you're still riding the turnip truck). This ain't
Gabby….its Hope! I have to (once again) pat myself on the
back here cuz I figured this out before the season even
started. There is absolutely no-way that the real Gabrielle
would willingly bring this horrid monster (The Destroyer)
back into the world with her. Not after the crap she had
to deal with earlier. Not after trying to protect Hope.

So anyway, Xena is getting the Bejeezes beat out of her
and I'm cheering like it's the Superbowl!
(Xena even gets a nice shiner for her efforts). This
thing has got these big old long gnarly-looking fingernails!
Man they are a good 18 inches in length! It picks Xena up
by her throat and prepares to impale her with this talon.
Xena makes some glib remark for the kiddies and snags the
monster's talon on the hook hanging from the rafter. That
buys her a little time and she frees herself and has to
practically drag Gab (Hope) to safety. They run into the
house with the monster right on their heels. It smashes
into the door several times (see…I toldja it was like one
of those cheesy horror flicks) until it is finally driven
away by the approaching dawn.

Ok, Xena's no dummy (at least not in this EP) and has figured
out something ain't right with the Gabster. She knows it's
Hope and that monster is Hopes child. Joxer hasn't got a clue
to what is going on and Xena tells them all that she cut the
monster up pretty good. (It's a lie. Xena didn't put a
scratch on it. She just wanted to scare Hope into leading them
to its lair). I dunno why they simply couldn't follow the dead livestock though. The rest of the family wander off…again.
(They do this a lot).

Ok, here is where we hafta stop for a sec cuz I've learned that
even in the strangest EPS, the writers put in little clues to
see if we are paying attention. Xena tells Joxer that they simply cannot kill Hope right now cuz Gabby's family is in danger.
They have to get Hope away from them 1st and then kill her and
that monster. Joxer, who is holding up remarkably well,
(must've been that wonderful smooch Gabby…I mean Hope laid on
him) and he's thinking clearly and not stumbling about anymore.
He tells us that Xena's vision (the cross?) was Hope after
all…not Gabby.

AHOOOOGA!!!!! Not Gabby? So Xena and Gabrielle were not
the ones getting crucified in Xena's vision of the future?
Ya mean Gabrielle didn't look at Xena with those big
beautiful eyes and tell Xena how much she loved her? (Man!
I've been eaten up with jealousy all week cuz of that scene)!
The writers have really pulled one over on me this time!
I'm sure they are probably reading this and having a big
guffaw over it all too! "Yeah Hawk! Ya think you know
everything eh? Well chew on this smart-guy"! ROFL!!!!
(Actually I'm relieved, cuz I wasn't at all happy with some
of the things I saw last week in this vision of Xena's). Whew!

Ok, so Hope and Lila (Gabby's sister) are in her room
talking about the monster. Lila hasn't quite caught on
that she's sitting in there with something spawned from
the fiery pits of Hell and is trying to console her sister.
She tells Gabby (Hope) that everything is cool and that
Xena will probably kill this monster soon enough. Well
Hope just thinks that's peachy-keen and sets up a way to
trap Xena once and for all.

Now Xena and Joxer are outside, talking and Joxer points
out that Xena cannot kill Hope cuz the Fates will kill her
if she does. Xena says that Ares has cancelled all those
debts and now its open season on Rosemary's baby. She then
sends Joxer out of harms way by having him scout out the
countryside for sings of the monster. She then returns to
learn that Lila and Hope have gone off walking somewhere.
(Isn't that dumb? There's a big old scary monster out there
and these tow girls wander off in the woods to catch up on
old times. Neither has a weapon either! Just like a cheesy
scary movie eh)? LOL! Xena catches up with them and Hope
has to change her plans (cuz she was leading Lila straight
toward that monster's lair). Instead they detour and go to
an old broken down bridge. Hope walks out on the bridge and
uses the "Force to knock some of the supports loose from under it. The bridge begins to collapse and Lila tries to save her.
Hope twists around and Lila now is out on the bridge while
Hope dances away. The bridge finally begins to fall apart
and Xena has to rescue Lila. Hope sez something like "I'll
go get father" and runs off. (Why she just didn't kill them
both right there, I'll never know). Xena saves Lila and
sends her home.

Ok, the scene shifts and we see Hope in a cave with this
monster. This monster loves hope almost as much as I love
Gabby! Grin Poor thing. Here we see that the monster
is simply a pawn in hopes mad schemes. The monster wants
to be loved but its kinda tough to bond with something that's
got these wicked spines that can rip yer flesh in a matter
of seconds. It hugs Hope and sure enough, it gashes open
her pretty leg. (Well? It was is a pretty leg)! Hope
realizes that the monster really isn't hurt and that Xena
has played a trick on her and knows who she is now.
She then leaves.

Xena is walking through the woods and sees Hope. Joxer,
coming from another direction sees her too but doesn't see
Xena. Both draw steel and charge Hope. Xena is just about
to cut her down when she stops short. They look at one
another, tears well up in there eyes as they realize its
not Hope! IT'S THE LOVELY GABRIELLE!!!!!! WOO-HOO!!!!!!!!
They embrace and have a good cry. So do I. (Hey...I can
be as sensitive as the next bird of prey).

Joxer isn't so lucky.

See…they did this part really well! Gabrielle was walking
through the woods and so was Hope; only they were at different
areas of the forest. Xena found the lovely Gabrielle and
Joxer? Well, Joxer found Hope. She uses the "Force" on him
and slams him into a rather large tree, knocking him senseless.
Then she ties him up and leaves him hanging in front of the
monster's lair. He is to be it's next meal.

Ok, so now we get to Gabrielle's story (which makes less sense
that Hope's). But I don't care now cuz I have my favorite lil Bardling back and everything's gonna be ok now! You'll see. Gabrielle tells Xena that when they fell, she heard Hope screaming
and then she blacked out. When she awoke, she was in a hospice
and apparently had been there for several days.

What? Several days? How did she get there? Who found her?
Why didn't she fall in the lava like Hope? Who's voices was
Xena hearing in the last two episodes? The more we figure out,
the less we seem to know eh? Watch the upcoming EPS for more
clues to these and other mysteries gang. Oh well, Gabby's back
and I'm happy again! Big old Goofy Grin

So Xena and Gabby go back to her house. Xena goes on in and
Gabby waits outside. Xena finds that Hope is sitting there
with a black eye and all the family is now mad at her. Daddy
is ready to carve Xena up now and I have no doubt that he
could do some real damage here. Even Lila is mad. Xena
tries to explain but two swords fly off the wall behind the
family; Hope silently threatening to kill them. They don't
see the swords either and Xena has little choice here. Hope
reminds everyone that Joxer is out there in the forest alone
with that monster running around and Lila asks how she could
send Joxer out there. (Wasn't she just out there herself)?
Anyway, Xena leaves to find Joxer.

Meanwhile, Gabby has been hiding in the creepy old mill. She
sees her chance and slips into her bedroom where Lila is.
Here, she explains what is going on and sends Lila out to bring
her parents in so she can explain to them as well. Only Hope
comes in instead.

Now the scene shifts to Joxer as he hangs out in front of this
cave. He's kicking and squirming and its getting dark soon.
A chakram flies through the air, cuts the rope holding him up
and lodges into the stone wall. (See? This is beginning to
happen a lot now….just like in Ares' tomb). Xena makes like
"The Fonz" and smacks the wall, causing the chakram to fall
into her hands. Then she cuts Joxer free and sends him into
the village. The monster steps out and Xena faces it.

Back to Hope and Gabby. Hope informs Gabby that she is now a
grandma and also that Dayhak is the one who saved her from that
fiery pit. The monster bellows in the distance, distracting
Hope for a sec, long enough for Gabby to get away.

Back to the cave, there is another big fight with the monster
and Xena again gets the crap beat out of her. (I'm glad they
decided to make Xena a bit more human than last season, where
she was practically invincible, leaping tall building and
flying around and using the force). Now, the monster, having
pinned Xena to the wall, is about to rip her open with it's
sharp nasty pointy teeth. Xena, defiant to the end sez
"bite me". Yuck yuck. A voice cries out "Wait" and the
monster turns to see hope walk in. Or is it Hope? It is
Gabrielle who makes him hesitate long enough to give Xena
time to catch her breath. The monster approaches Gabrielle
and coos as Gabby (obviously repulsed and terrified) caresses
the monster.

Gotta give Gabrielle a lot of credit here. She saves Xena…again
and lets the thing hug her long enough for Xena to stab it in
the back with a sword. (Poor thing. All it wanted was to be
loved). The pain enrages the monster and it attacks Gabrielle!
Hope walks in and now it is really confused! Gabrielle steps
aside and the monster sees Hope. Hope is mad and rushes to
save her baby, the monster sees her and stabs her in the neck,
its talon slicing deep into her torso.

Hope is a goner and now the monster realizes that there are a
couple of look-alikes here. Then they embrace and fall down….
dead. (They coulda used this monster in more EPS, but I suppose
they ha to get the rubber suit back to "Happy Jack's Costume
Rental" before Monday). Grin

Later, Xena and Gabrielle talk about the recent events and just
in case we think its all over, Gabby warns that evil always
returns, just wearing a different face. Hope has been killed,
but is she gone? I dunno. I'm tired of hope and all this
multiple Xena, Gabby, Joxer, Hercs…

All in all it was a cool episode if ya like those old horror
flicks like I do. If ya don't. then skip this one.

: )

Hawk †