<<>> One Against An Army

Y'know, there's really only one thing wrong with this ep… it's too good, so it's gonna be hard to get a funny spoiler out of it! But, I'm not complaining… this ep almost amounts to being an apology for all the silly crap we've had to put up with this season - yep, it's __that__ good. Even the other good eps this season have had some flaw here or there, but this one pretty much nailed it right on the mark.

Using her own homemade Xena action figure (they had electrical tape back then, when there was no electricity? For __what__? Wrapping hamsters? (sorry, this is a reference to a really filthy joke that I learned in eighth grade and I best not repeat it on a more-or less "family" forum… suffice it to say it keeps them from exploding… ;) ). Gabrielle figures out how Xena does that flip she does, but she doesn't get it quite right and sprains her ankle. She's stubborn, so Xena has to trick her into giving her a look at it (alt-fic writers alert: try using this scene in one of your stories, but have gabby sprain her groin instead… run with that!) While bathing the ankle, a runner from Marathon (yep, that guy… Xena meets __everybody__) shows up to tell them that the Persians are invading. Xena says they're the baaaaaadest mofos on the planet (I'm just talkin' 'bout the Persians!).
Xena sends him on to Athens to warn them, advising him to pace himself so the run won't kill him (if I remember my sixth grade history, the guy didn't listen to Xena and dropped dead when he got to Athens… sillyhead!), while she and Gab are going to hold the army off by causing a landslide (bad plan! I saw Wile E. Coytoe try it dozens of times against that pesky Roadrunner, and the rock always flies back and lands on him. Don't do it, Xena! Don't do it!)Gab wants Xena to invoke her mystical kung-fu powers, but Xena informs Grasshoppah that she no longer has the purity of essence to do her whole "Carrie" bit anymore (bring out the pig blood and Piper Laurie! That'll work her up! Kill John Travolta! Ya know ya wanna!)

They meet a Spartan named Dorian, who's been wounded in the back and doesn't have a single nick on his sword… coward! He's running from the Persians, even though Spartans were supposed to fight to the death. Xena lets him join up with them anyway (she will motivate him! She's scarier than Susan Powter! Well… okay, maybe not… nobody is… ;) ) Some advance Persian troops come running at them, NOT delivering rugs, so Xena starts beating the Shiite out of them (get it?) with no help from Dorian, who freezes. Gabby tries to start him up again and catches an arrow for her trouble. Xena removes the arrow - remember "Chariots Of War"? Well, it's Gabby's turn! Ow-weee! That's gonna need a band-aid! "That'll wake ye up in the marnin', boy!" to quote the cool old guy in __Braveheart__ ). Xena smells poison on the arrow, though… Gabby's in trouble.

Dorian, finally guilted into heroism, runs off to Tripolis… but Xena has figured out that he's actually a Persian spy (can't fool Wonder Woman). When they get to Tripolis, it's been razed so the Persians would find nothing there. This is bad, 'cuz Xena wanted to get the anti-poison serum there, but everything's destroyed. So, on to Thessaly… but Gabby says no - stopping the army is more important than saving her life. They gotta do what's right for the greater good… (remember?)

Xena hides the increasingly sick Gabby in a barn, where Xena had hidden some weaponry years before - luckily, it's still there. Gabby says that Xena should just save herself if it comes down to that - she counts herself as dead already and they'll meet on the other side. Xena wants to do the selfish thing and save Gab and let Greece take care of its own problems, but Gabby adamantly says no - stopping the Persians is more important. And Xena's spotted 'em - there's hundreds of 'em.

Xena tries to summon her Chi healing power, but she can't, and is forced to use the old fashioned method of breaking pottery (cool, I can do that! Yiyiyiyi!) Gabby's hallucinating and thinks she's in Potedia, and there's a tearjerker scene for all you little puny girly-men and girly-women! I didn't cry - ya gotta kill a dog to make me cry (poor ol' Yeller! **sniffle!** Brave, stupid dog! And that poor dog in the first "National Lampoon Vacation" movie… brave lil' guy! I can see him now… runnin' his little heart out…) - but it was still waaaaay powerful. Hell, the whole damn ep is.

The Persians rush in and Xena slaughters a bunch of 'em until a guy gets her from behind and slits her throat… but, whew!, it turns out to just be a (possibly prophetic?) nightmare of Gabby's. Then there's some subtext (which you are, as always, welcome to take any way you wish - just don't let me hear anybody say they ARE or they AREN'T like it's a fact, or I shall come down on ye with a great vengeance like the onrush of mighty waters, and ye shall know that I am NOT the Lord and don't even like the guy but that I HAVE seen __Pulp Fiction__ at least once! ;) ) Xena really wants to take care of Gab and shirk her responsibilities to the greater good, but Gab talks her out of it.

Xena tells Argo to run away, but Argo doesn't wanna… but, like a good soldier, she obeys in the end. Poor horsie! :(

Gabrielle is near comatose, but she tells Xena to be strong and she apologizes for all the foolishness in China. Xena puts her in the loft with some boiling oil to dump on the bad guys when they show up. If she'd've thought to make it hot __wax__ instead, Xena could have invented the first car wash, but… ever seen a Persian car? You'll understand why they don't mind fillin' 'em full of explosives and parkin' 'em in front of embassies…

The Persians attack and break into the barn, and Xena goes beserk and paints the walls with 'em. Gab manages to dump the boiling oil on 'em, and Xena bursts through the roof and continues the mass slaughter - it's like freakin' __Lightning Swords Of Death__. And there's heretofore unseen fighting, instead of just standard fight # whatever. I dunno what the pole-vault/Slinky deal is supposd to be, but it's new at least! :) ) Xena scares 'em so bad they head back to Persia (okay, so it's ridiculous and Xena's superwoman, but hey, it's that kinda show, just enjoy the ride!). Gabrielle gets the antidote out of the Persian stores that Xena found when she gigged one of the guys with a poison arrow and watched what he crawled to, and Gabby's saved just in time. Then an exhausted Xena and a still-sick-but-gonna-get-well Gabby lie back and rest.

I gotta say that Universal can just about save the season with this 'cuz they proved that they can still do one __right__ - good writing, good direction, good acting, and the focus is back where it should be - on building suspense (it's a tense one), on character interaction (namely Xena and Gab's relationship - be it friend or more-than-friend), and on action (a whole can of whoop-ass gets the lid torn off in the last ten minutes or so), and on conflict (both internal and external) and tough choices. There's a lotta levels here, and they kept it simple enough to handle in one television hour - they didn't bite off more than they could chew this time. And, like it used to be, there's still humor in it, most of which is actually funny - you're __gonna__ laugh at Xena's parting line to the Persians. It's a serious ep - not necessarily a dark one - but it's a XENA ep!
Lucy finally remembered who Xena was for this one - she's playing no one else. It's XENA. And this is how the rift __should__ have been fixed.

Yeah, it's a combo of two of the best eps ever, basically - "The Price" and "The Greater Good" (with a bit of "A Day In The Life" and "Callisto" campfire scene thrown in) - but it's not a rehash (unless maybe ya read too many of those "hurt/comfort" fanfics ;) ) and the actresses get a chance to really shine with some material that's worthy of their skills, instead of just being clowns. ROC even looks like she kept herself awake for a couple of days to get that worn-down look.

Yep, it's an all-around good ep… I didn't know they still had it in 'em! Maybe this'll bring some people back into the fold… Xenos, come baaaaaaaack! :)

Minor quibble - the title should have been "TWO Against An Army" - Gabby's down, but she's an important force in the ep anyway.

Now… after you watch this… you STILL want them to make those funny eps? When you could have things like THIS instead? If so, you are INSAAAAAANE! DEATH to the funny eps! DEATH, I say, and no less than death! I want to never, ever again see another damned clownish, stupid, idiotic, boring, lame-ass eight-year-old mentality silly "humor"-focused Xena ep as long as I live! Is that too much to ask? Scrap your plans for "Warrior… Poet… Tramp" you writer/producer guys, you! Make Lucy be XENA! She can still do it, I saw it here, and you still have people who can write and direct good ones (it was kinda a surprise to me) so… no excuses! Get this puppy back on the road it should be on! You've got a good start with the last couple - keep it there! ;)

To borrow the charming rating system utilized by __Sounds Of Death__ magazine, I give this one TEN F'ING SKULLS! There's hope!

And speakin' of Hope, she's in the new Herc ep, and so is Callisto, and Xena and Gab'll be on next week for part two, so… plan to watch H:TLJ (as painful as that may be). This Herc ep was okay…

And - oh yeah - Kevin Smith is in this week's episode of "FX - The Series" - I caught a bit of it on the satellite. Didn't watch it, but he's playin' a cop or a bad guy or somethin'.

<<<Mini-SPOILER>>> A punky teenage girl with dreadlocks and an attitude problem even bigger than mine wants to be Xena's new sidekick. Doesn't appear to be a "funny" ep… light, maybe, and I'm sure they're gonna milk humor out of it, but it looks better than a typical "funny" ep… I hope… :)

Have a cool day,

Zwolf

P.S. - Microsoft Word *SUCKS*! Long live Word Perfect! I had to doctor this stuff right and left 'cuz Microsoft Word is so "cute"... DIE, PAPER CLIP CARTOON MAN!! DIE!!!