True Story!

Dear Xanthoma Xenites,
I have some good news for you this report. Lucy Lawless has let our own Harry Saxs follow her around for a real day in the life of 'Lucy: Actress Mother.' The following account is a recent day Harry spent with the much admired Lucy. Enjoy!

I arrived at Lucy's large home early, about 5:30 a.m. to her dressing her daughter Daisy. It was the day that Daisy had to go back to her fathers house and she was complaining about how she didn't want to go back to that 'big bad naked man' as she put it. Lucy then just covered her ears and yelled, "This conversation is over little girl, get in the bloody car now!"
After dropping off the young Daisy we headed to the set. When we arrived Lucy's soon to be husband ran up to her with a bit of what he said was good news. He told her he had discovered a way to change the size of his manhood to 9 inches. With a shocked look on her face Lucy quietly said "No." Rob told her how he was to make this happen was to fold it in half.
Soon afterward we hooked up with Renee O'Connor so the they could go over some lines for that day. On the way to Renee I saw a strange sight. The crew had Ted Raimi tied to a large wheel and were spinning him at a high rate of speed and whipping him. When they let him down they put Hudson Lieck up on the wheel and repeated the incident again. Lucy seemed not to notice it so I took it as a normal procedure.
When Lucy and Renee began to practise their lines I noticed Renee having trouble concentrating. It seems that Lucy likes to mumble and drool in Renee's ear while she is reading her lines. Lucy also would follow Renee around the set spraying everything she touched with disinfectant.
Lucy often would call many people on the set injun Joe and offer to buy their land with beads and glass. She would then offer them a treaty to sign saying they could move westward and she wouldn't move towards them in the future. She would then yell "Trail of Tears" quite loudly at them and run away.
I hid from Lucy for the rest of the day on the set. Around eight that evening Lucy, apperently calmed down, invited me to her house to watch a movie. She said it was her favorite movie, called "Frankenhooker." On the way back to her house she told me it was about this guy who accidently kills his girlfriend with a push lawnmower and how he puts her brain into a smorgasboard of body parts of prostitutes. She said it is the best movie ever made except for 'Barb Wire'.
When we arrived at her house she offered me a drink before the movie. I accepted but immediatly wish I hadn't. Into two cups she poured antifreeze, liquid dishwashing soap, and rang out her tampon as well. Instead of regular ice she used dry ice and to top it off she added two healthy squirts of WD-40. She downed hers in one huge gulp and handed the other cup to me. I sat there holding my drink wondering how to get rid of it when she put the movie in. She hit play and then fast forward. As the screen flew by at incredible speeds I noticed the FBI warning disappear and the movie begin. I told her that the movie had started and to hit play but she said she watched all her movies at this speed. Something about being smarter then the rest of the human race put together. She then noticed my full cup and with an insulted look on her face said "Don't you like my Lucy Lagar?!". What could I do, this was Lucy Lawless, I had to take a swig.....
I hope you all enjoyed my report on the day in the life of the real life "Lucy: Actress Mother". I hope to have more reports coming to you soon!

Reporting from Auckland General Hospital,
Harry Saxs