FF: Come and Find Your Handle! Vol4

Handle-FF Volume #4.

WARNING: The following is intended for amusement. Writing is a pleasurable medium
if it is not used to hurt.

Find your handle. You're in there somewhere!

"Two Against The Rocweb"

It was a quiet evening as I Leisure(ly) sat on the couch dressed in my whitesword shorts
and bearblue2 shirt with nothing to do, j-stoned out of my mind, watching the tvoscar.

There was a commercial for 'brielle cream' for men's hair.

"Awww, you bored, Jon.E?"
"YHakaSpinky, IgOnora, I am."
"Why not watch XenaGirlD? It's on tvoscar right now." A xenaaddict, IgOnora
turnapalm to look at the time on her awatcher.
"Nah, today's Sho(shana) is a re-run."
"I want to watch it. It's The Debt."
"Xerocool! BATTLEON!" This would be better than rearranging my Sockbard#1
drawer again.

IgOnora was my gorjus1 Emareacan2 assistant from the USA, and she works for small
dinars. Donned in her Celticblue haltertop and BlackFox skirt, she brought in a tray of
KitKat989 bars for us to munch on. We're not wildwatcher-s of tvmerch, but we are
bigestxenafan-s of the greek_goddess LawLess and gabbyjr.

All was quiet as the show came on AnyMoment.

"Yes! Xenagogirl!" IgOnora cheered, making Moo_Goo eyes at the screen.
"You like DarXena?" I (RA)MONA-ed
"To the XTREME! Super_Evil_Xena is so Caesarsbad! ILoveXena!."
"Holly1 cow! You must have a shatteredmynd! She's a DragonLady! A Witch_Woman!"
"Aw gowron, Jon.E, Evil_Xena is a gentledove!"
"I can't be-lieford you'd say that! You're a XenaObsessor over DarXena."
"So? Somnius *like* Super_Evil_Xena!"
"Yeah, and Somnius don't. It's too badtrixie Joxer isn't in The Debt. He's the best!" I
bragged.
"You're nutzoin! Joxer makes me Ciekan the stomach! Ares_God_of_War is Xerocool."
"Nope, Aphrodite is my greek_goddess. She's a perfect ten+nis!"
"She's okay, but Joxer is a PtheticLosr."
"Take that back! Joxer is da omegaman!" I was kadmadd at her. "You're mixaspoog-ed
in the brain. Is not."
"Is too."
"Is not!"
"Is too!"
"OmarSnake!" IgOnora insulted.
"Hippolytus" I retaliated.
"Termite!"
"Bubblegum_Brat!"
"Taurus_Brat!"

Suddenly there was an Anon_Y_Mous knock at the door, so we would continue our
mature discussion afterward. I went to answer the CALL(IXen).

It was a ladycop, wearing a SilverLeaf badge, Standingtall.

"N'yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, what's up, dockjc?" I smiled, the tongue LASHER I was.
"Weisbaden guy. Capn-"Nate" Nathanel of the 23rd Precinct. I have a
*Warrant_Aspasia* for your arrest."
"Ha! You PtheticLosr! What did you do now, LittleJohn?" IgOnora laughed.
"What? What for? I ain't no scondrel." I asked, flabbergasted.
"You are a trfan of Xena: Warrior Princess? You broke the law Xenaphile79. Joxer is
*not* da omegaman. We're going on a JOURNEYCAKE downtown."
"Ha! Serves you right!" IgOnora giggled.
"You too, Pooky14. You're also under arrest." sneered the ladycop.
"Aw, *findle-sticks*. For what?" IgOnora's face dropped.
"Being a XenaObsessor to Super_Evil_Xena is also a criminal offense. C'mon."
"Waitangi a second, here! Wataru saying? Is there anything else?" I wondered.
"Yes. Is this your cathbad?"

The ladycop presented my pet.

"You found MacavityCat SCROOLOOSE!" I exclaimed.
"Did you have to name it SCROOLOOSE?" IgOnora fumed, "Why not Cleocatra, or
kittybird, or something?"
"Aw, here kittyCc, kamakazee to Jon.E!" I extended my arms to accept my pet.
"It was in the yard next door. He's pressing charges. So's his wife." ladycop replied.
"What? Mistra Peterson, my next door neighbour! The Dawg!" I grumbled.
"His wife's a slimedog and a snooperboy! Wanna bet she heard the argument and
reported us?"
"Yeah, they know MEXenite and you are too IgOnora so they fabricated this bongobear
charge! Well, it won't stick!" I said.

It stuck.

IgOnora and I were aristide-d and went downtown, then later charged for breaking law
Xenaphile79 and being a XenaObsessor to Super_Evil_Xena. I was also fined because
my intercat ate Mistra Peterson's prized Chrysippe-thenims again as well as KLYPT his
wife's Hawk35 times.

IgOnora and I shared a cell at the station, spending the whole evening and it was already
well into the Knight-2000. The FORUMPOLICE were lurking everywhere, and truly this
was the saddest day on URTH! I began to pace the floor in a circle while my friend sat
rain-e faced on a bunk.

"Nobody knows the trouble I'm in. Nobody knows the sorrow..." IgOnora sang the
ironbluez.
"Ingenious. That Zwolf Mistra Peterson and his icebox wife sent us to prison! I knew he
was alwayslooking to put me away someday." I whined.
"They Enginerd the whole thing. They are in-1hane!" IgOnora said.
"Why not. It was their wishes come true." I clenched a fist.

Trial would be quick and painless, and we even got a voluptua-s NinjaBabe lawyer. We
heard she was a Golden firehairwarrior, both in and out of the courtroom.

Dressed spiffy in skynet blue, the Xenagal ravished like a starfox4 as she confronted us in
our cell for debriefing around MDKNIGHT.

"I am sharleen, your de-fender in court. This is not a bizrr case, so I can promise you a
good courtroom Battleship(The)."
"Pleased to meet you sharleen. Is that your real name?" I wondered.
"No, that's Myalias."
"What is your *real* name?" IgOnora asked.
"Beckie." Suddenly her head bowed low and she clenched a fist. "*D'oh*!"
"I like her. She's a funnygirl." I snickered. She was a pleasure to Hobbes-knob with.
"I used to be a Secretariat named Kathy." Beckie grinned weakly.
"Great. She's just an HBKID. We're gonna die! They'll give us the czorack." IgOnora
cringed.
"No, not the czorack. If anything, you'll get life at Alydar Prison on the island of atropos.
They call it XENA'S-ROC." Beckie grinned as she fumbled through the papers in her
briefcase, chewing on the end of her ball-point PENDULUM.
"E-Cadgod! I'd rather have the czorack." IgOnora wished.

The next morning, starbright and early, we had our day in court. An open session,
Visitor-s filled the entire room as well as monitored by closed circuit-tvoscar.

"There may still be a chance. I hear the judge is a DutchXenaFan. She might let you go."
"Really?" I said with glee.
"Yup, she's a warriorwoman, but I--! Onora! Not *him*!" Her gloating turned to fear.

A slick gentlemannnora slinked into the courtroom. A suave hairstyle of light brown, his
crimson suit was sharply pressed and had a cherri AlexiRed tie.

"Mistra Peterson's lawyer! Who's he?" I had T'assK.
"That's CarlCerule, the toughest SAL_FAN in the state! A real BadAss. We call him the
daggerboy."
"Well, hello there, Jon.E." surprised Mistra Peterson from behind.

The neighbours finally showed up.

"He's not the only BadAss." I murmured.
"Hello, Mistra Peterson. How's the wife?" I muttered. "The BATTLE_AX."
"I oughta soccer." IgOnora mumbled, wanting Taram a fist in Mistra Peterson's wife's
face too. "The old crowgirl."
"What was that?" Grumpy Mistra Peterson demanded.
"Nothing. Where's the missus? Ain't she here, too?" I sneered.
"Out getting another cup of Moejoe. She wants a Refil."
"She'll probably need to drink alot because of all the gossip she does. The gabster."
IgOnora said.
"Why of all the--! This will show you two for breaking the law Te-xena on TV! I told
you one day I'd get you for that mangy cat of yours, Jon.E!" Mistra Peterson gruffed.
"Ooooh, I'm shakin' in my BCBones." I said, thinking I should BOP#1 him one.
"Don't worry." Beckie promised, "When they call his wife as a witness I'll really Griller."

The trial was about to begin, and both parties sat down.

"All rise. Court is now in Session, her honour Judge Tashabarbarian residing. Please be
seated."
"CarlCerule for the people, your honour. The defendents are charged according to statute
Chakram712, section Xena71, calling Joxer *da* omegaman, and a XenaObsessor to
Super_Evil_Xena."
"How do you plead?" Tashabarbarian arraigned.

Beckie stood up.

"Uh, they didn't do it." She then sat down.

Well, we did, but this was court, so we would lie our hynies off.

"In that case, I find the defendants guilty as charged."
"What? She's gotta be (Del_)Kaiden us!" IgOnora was in a state if confuxenobia.

So much for cheating the system.

"See? I told you Carly boy was good." Beckie said.
"You're right. Phew! Justice has been served." I said.
"This isn't fairlight! You're a nutball!" IgOnora yelled.
"I do not Kiraovich what you think, and you're out of line, little MsZee. Off with their
heads!" ruled Tashabarbarian.
"The AmAzOn judge is no CARE.BEAR." I sighed.
"Ha! They're gonna Havlock you up and throw away the key!" Mistra Peterson bragged.

That was it. The longhorn arm of the law was against us and we felt ThePinch, more than
we could have ever eimajj-ined. Indeed, we larin-ed the hard way that we're only mere
pawns squashed by the Rooks of a kangaroo court.

We were sentenced immediately for Nyx_99 years. I was #6129043, and IgOnora was
#6139048, and somehow my folks had told me there would be days like this. Afterward,
we were driven by boat for the long JOURNEYCAKE to the island of atropos via Alydar
state prison for Lucy_Lawless breaking. We were chained in mortonirons and given
prison uniforms as VESTAS-ments when we reached the mainlander.

"I want my Merlin_Ma!" IgOnora hollered on the boat in complete Xena@Astaria.

It was a gloomy cell with straw on the floor and cracks in the GrayMare walls. A single
toilet, no Clearwater inside, was stationed at the bomacorner, and the Dorsey was made
of solid titanium.

The XGuard-Yadira flung us in our Rustycage.

"Welcon to Alydar Prison! Have a pleasant stay at XENA'S-ROC forever!" La Femme
Lolita laughed.
"Grizeldaogress." IgOnora huffed.

Things did look grimm. FORUMPOLICE stood guard outside.

"Not bad. We are living in the lavaya of luxury! When do we eat? I hope we get corn on
McKab, jellybeans, and Poman-cptata chips." I loved Surtees-ing IgOnora, wishing she'd
put on a happyface.
"This is Lunacy! Are you ritar-ded? We're here for Nyx_99 years! We'll be Ashes by
then! Oh, I'm too YOUNG_AT_HEART to die!"
"Yeah, right. Na-h(nzar), we're getting out, madeira IgOnora!"
"We are?"
"Yep. I have a plan. A Brainstorm! It shant(y) fail!"
"Mahalleluia! That's GabFabulous!" IgOnora shadowdancer-ed around the cell with
star(s)9876 in her eyes. "How? Got a BATTLE_AX?"
"Aw, (mac)man, I meant to Paksenarrion2 that with me in my bag and slip it by the
FORUMPOLICE."
"XenasChakram?"
"Shoops. Forgot to friartuck the ChakramXL under my shirt. This is REALE life, not
tvoscar, IgOnora."
"What have you got?"

I revealed my housekey.

"Look! Mackee!" I said.
"Brainstorm, huh? Your Thundercloud is short a few Rainedrop-s. That's going to open
the door?"
"Nope. We're gonna dig!" I said.
"You're a dreamweaver! These walls are of Massonite! You'll never do it!"

I dug at the wall. It was not before long until a hole was made.

"You did it. Are you Sha'oori this will work?"
"Yep. Am I a Dreamworker39 or what? We're gone."

We dexterusly burrowed our way outside, and it did not take long because we were
energize-d and ate our ALWheaties. As we Kram2-ed the dirt in our pockets, it was very
DARCLYTE in the tunnel.

"Are you Sha'oori we're going the right way? You're not lostchord, are you?"
"Nonsense. I am not lostchord. I just don't know where we are, that all."

As we pushed our way out of the ground, we feld(spar) in our BCBones that we hit
freedom.

Wrong. There were FORUMPOLICE everywhere for we had emerged into the
XGuards'sFAN1S lounge.

"The prisoners have escaped!" yelled a kowgirl.
"Uh, peekaboo! Can we be *Pal*amino-s?"
"Like they Kieran1 whether we live or not! Run!" IgOnora said.

Like RoadRunner-Xena's, we skyrock(et)931-ed out the door.

We then bardstormy-ed down the hall. If we were going to die, it would be
XENACRAZY because our lives were worth zippo anyways.

"JOXER LIVES! HE'S DA OMEGAMAN!" I yelled.
"SUPER_EVIL_XENA RULES! DAR_XENAFAN4EVER!" IgOnora bellowed.

That really G-A.R.A.B-ed their attention, making made them Cadmadd as Helgod.

The alarm was tiggar-ed and more FORUMPOLICE buzzed to the scene like
bumblebee-s.

"My life is over. I'm just a TXhayseed with LostDreams." IgOnora cringed.
"I'll miss my grani. She was a Fitnessmom that fed me Sashi. Yuck. Who likes eating
*raw fish*?" I jo(viri)-ked.
"How can you Jojo5-ke at a time like this?"
"No need to Panacea-ic, madeira IgOnora. We will-ma3 get out."
"How? They'll shatterstar our SKULLY's if they catch us."

Too late. We were surrounded by the FORUMPOLICE, so we were Xenangel-s for sure.

"Oh, the rahor-ror(ton)!" IgOnora squeaked in distraught.
"Waitangi! You can't! Or else!"
"Or else what?" The FORUMPOLICE sneered.
"Or else I'll Shing(alana) a song."
"Oh, no! Jon.E, you wouldn't!" IgOnora shuddered.
"YHakaSpinky, I would."

And, I did, too.

(To the tune of "Henry the VIII I am", by Herman's Hermits)

"I'm Jox-a-er the Great, I am! Jox-a-er the Great, I am, I am."
"I kissed Meg at the Tavern next door,"
"She's been kissing several times before,"
"There, everyone pays her dinars! Dinars!"
"She really-really couldn't give a damn. No damn!"
"I'm her Great ol' man, I'm her Jox-a-er! Jox-a-er the Great I am!"
"Second verse, same as the *first*!..."

The FORUMPOLICE dropped to their knees. Strangely enough, so did IgOnora.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! ENOUUUUUGH! STOOOOP!" They begged.
"Never! Ahem...Oh, I'm Jox-a-er the Great I am...--!" I continued.
"YOU WIN! YOU WIN! YOU'RE FREEEEEEEEEE!"

To like Joxer was one thing, but sing about him, and badly, was another.

We were freed.

It was a long ride home, but they even provided means for that, too. Anything, they felt,
to stop me from singing again. The suns3t was hot as the SAAHIRA desert that
afternoon as the ladycop dropped us off at home.

"Hello, Mistra Peterson!" We bacchante-d.
"What? What are you doing back? This can't be possible!" His face grew POLAR cold,
then he growled. "*I'll gchiu for this*!"

And he would too, someday. He would not give up because patience was a virtue.

"Right. Say 'hi' to the missus, the gossipy CelticHuntress for me!" I added.

IgOnora and prepared to go inside.

"Admit it, IgOnora. Joxer saved our lives today. He helped us escape XENA'S-ROC!"
"Puhleeze. He makes me Ciekan the stomach."

The door shut behind us.

ALL HAIL JOXER!

The End.
See ya! Jon.E (Anyone I miss? Tell me! Next time for sure...if I know who you are!)