Spoiler: Mortal Beloved

There’s this chick, right, and she’s in the middle of the forest waiting for her secret lover when Marcus, Xena’s old dead lover shows up. The chick doesn’t know that Marcus is Marcus the shade, and she thinks he’s a ghost…shade… a ghost..who the hell is taking notes here? Well, okay, she thinks he’s a ghost. Spooky, huh? And Marcus is such a lame ghost too, he didn’t even yell out “BOO!” like I would’ve. And yet…this chick is still screaming out like she spotted the cancerman from the “X-Files” bare-@$$ naked and doing the limbo.
Xena’s in a tavern drinking…( I’ll have fifteen ports, a mead and a bottle of your worst skunk juice ) with Gabrielle, who was suppose to be her sponsor at AGAA (Ancient Grecian Alcoholics Anonymous) but was encouraging her to have another port and a side of nutbread laced with henbane. Bad Gabby.
So the chick that was freaking out before, well she was freaking out worse.
Xena, being all ex-warlord and drunk like she was, decided that she would go out and take a look.
Surprise! It’s Marcus. Okay, so I all ready told you that, what exactly are you going to do about it, huh?
He tells her that Atyminius ( wouldn’t that be awful if they called him “Mini” all his life? ) stole the helmet of invisibility from Hades and that the underworld is in complete and utter chaos. Then he tells her to grow a pair of gills, jump into a lake and swim drunk, because that’s how much he loves her. Oh, no. She’s going into the lake because there’s a secret, completely secret, passageway to the underworld through that lake. And I was always scared to go into lakes because I just thought there were fish in it…silly me!

Mom: Honey (yeah as if she’d ever call me that), don’t swim too far, you’re going to get bit by a fish!
Me: You wish!
Mom: I do not! I’m just telling you so that you know.
Me: Yeah right, you probably wish I’d get bitten by an eel and stolen by the big giant turtle people that “The National Enquirer” has yet to discover.
Mom: Well that would certainly have its advantages!
Me: MOM!
Dad: No, those turtle people are really friendly, you just have to give them a chance.
{Naturally I swim out too far and get sucked into a portal that brings me to the underworld}
Chiron: Are you dead?
Me: I should hope the hell not you friggen turtle person!
Chiron: Do you have a coin?
Me: Yes, and I’m not giving it to you, you bum. Now take me home.
Chiron: I can’t. I’m taking ya to the underworld.
Me: Great. Do you mind if I take a picture? The tabloids will love me for it.
Chiron: {poses for the camera} You may not be dead, but remember to bring a coin the next time you’re here.
Me: Did anyone ever tell you you’re extremely handsome turtle man?
Chiron: Really? Well, then..We can just forget about the coin, okay?
Me: Thanks turtle man.
Chiron: My name is Chiron.
Me: Turtle people have names?

Well, anyway, Xena tells Gabrielle that she’s got to go and take a very long swim. Gabrielle doesn’t want her to go, and says she’s very worried about her. Or something to that effect, I wouldn’t really know, because I’m doing this by memory and I’m not watching it at this moment. My mind is only filled with junk like this. That is my reasoning for every time someone goes “What’s two plus two?” and I go “Xena.” “Four divided by twelve?” “Xena.”
Hmm, I think Gabby is just jealous. Gabby thinks Xena would never go to the underworld for her. Xena would never grow gills, shed her usual leathers, look all sad and depressed and follow the lake to the turtle people for her. Just for this Marcus fellow and that pisses Gabby off.
So Xena jumps into the lake, follows the turtles, sees me swimming back, cuts me off (like driving…that ho cut me off!!), I scream “Go to Tartarus you stupid pea brained daughter of a two and half headed hydra! Learn how to swim!” {I flip her the bird, adjust my gills and continue swimming, glaring at her from behind}.
Then she meets Chiron. Tells him she’s not dead and that she wants him to take her to Hades or something…like I said I’m not watching it so bite me.
Eventually, she gets to Tartarus (see she listens well).
There she sees Marcus. They kiss, how romantic. I hope if I’m ever in the bowels of hell (not that I’d want to be there mind you, but I guess I don’t really have much of a choice) I just stop for a minute and kiss someone I love ( preferably someone not related to me, because if they were that’d be gross ). But the whole screwy thing is that all the good people are in Tartarus (Guess I should’ve screamed “Go to the Elysian Fields you daughter of a ….”) all the bad people can move back and fourth.
Um, he tells her what’s going on and they head into the Elysian Fields. Man, is that place rocking! Everyone is fighting…..cool!
Xena meets up with Toxeus, some guy she killed before. He says there are no hard feelings. Not me, if she killed me I’d be like “Go to the Elysian Fields you eight eyed lizard lipped daughter of a bucked teeth Bacchus!”
She also finds out that Marcus was really in Tartarus all that time and that if he helps them win he’ll be stuck with all the people he just betrayed. Poor Marcus, hope he has good mutilation insurance in Tartarus.
Mini shows up (Atyminius). He says he can smell a mortal. Xena really should’ve showered that day. You think the swim would’ve helped her! Well his cool honing devices led him straight to her, but she causes a disturbance and everyone starts to fight while Xena and Marcus take off to find Hades.
When they go to the castle Harpies attack them. I believe they’re female Harpies. If they’re not then those male Harpies should really lay of the estrogen if you know what I mean.
Xena tells Hades what’s going on. Why is Hades always wearing gloves? I mean the guy is like in his house. It’s okay if he’s got like an eleventh finger or something, take off the gloves man your motorcycle is in the garage! Sorry, wearing those gloves just reminds me of guys who ride motorcycles and they were the same coat, pants, and gloves all year round, even when it’s winter and they can’t ride the stupid thing. It’s like “I man not have the motorcycle, but this is to show you how loyal I am to it.”
Hades is forced to give Marcus back his life, because Xena won’t help him unless he does that. Good planning, Xena, you hold all the cards, so why not bring an old lover back to life for forty-eight hours so you can confess your undying love and then kill him? Sound good? Thought so.
Hades tells them that Mini probably went to the land of the living the same way Xena came to the land of turtle people. Xena fears that Gabrielle is in danger.
Mini does show up in the land of the living. That Gabby, what a friend, huh? Sitting by a lake for the gods only know how long waiting for her friend who has yet to make an appearance.
Mini fights with Gabby. Gabby gets a few good hits in. Xena and Marcus show up and chase Mini away. “Begone you evil Mini!”
Hahah, my dog is snoring! Wake-up doggie you’re sitting on my feet! Get the hell up! Did I mention she’s been sleeping on my feet since I started writing this thing?
Gabby meets Marcus.

Gabby: Oh, so you’re the one Xena’s leaving me for?
Marcus: Huh?
Gabby: {Talking to herself now} Whoops, that’s not sub-text Gabby. Let’s try again.
Gabby: {To Marcus} Oh, I’m glad you’re dead. I mean..I thought you were dead!

Let me see, they camp for the night. Marcus talks about all the things he missed in Tartarus, but tells Xena that he could hear her thoughts and it meant wonders for him.

Xena: Everything?
Marcus: I could hear everything. I didn’t know you and Hercules—
Xena: Um, hey..that’s kind of personal.
Marcus: What about that time when you were six and you fell into pig crap and everyone was laughing at you…ahahahah!
Xena: Marcus, that’s not nice! But hey, I love you!
Marcus: I love you, too.

Then I think they make love not war. And you know, I think they did that with Gabrielle sleeping right there.
Now, if that were me and my friend was there sleeping with her revived for forty-eight hours lover, I’d still get ticked and be all like “Um, you know, I’m not asleep!” or “Could you keep it down over there?”
Okay, the next day they make their way to some stupid wedding where Mini plans to kill the bride. His favorite sport “Kill the bride”. In fact, he could probably win a trophy for that “This trophy goes to the number one psychopath for killing the bride. Congratulations.”
Xena pulls a cool trick on him, while the bride has her ceremonial bathing (to which Xena really should’ve gone with her if Mini could smell her the first time), Xena stays in the brides place at the house, has a fight with Mini, kills Mini and takes back the helmet.
Crap my dog just barked and she’s sleeping still, maybe I ticked her off in her dream.
Marcus wants to keep the helmet for himself, but since this would require him being around all the time he decides that just wouldn’t be him. That’s the whole reason he died in the first place, to be good.
Xena and Marcus go to the underworld again, meet Chiron again, who was going to give them major bullcrap ‘till he saw them with the helmet of invisibility or in other words “Hades beer hat”. Michael Hurst is awesome with roles like that. Have I ever said how much I like Michael Hurst and respect him as an actor? Well, I just did and you’ll never hear it from me again because I don’t say those things very often!
Okay, Xena won’t return the helmet unless Hades agrees to re-judge Marcus.

Hades: I know everything he’s done that’s impossible!
Xena: Please?
Marcus: Yeah, come on, please? I’m dying here!
Hades: No, that’s in a few minutes when {looking at Xena} praying mantis over here takes a shot at ya.
Xena: Hey! {looks at Hades for a long moment and says} What in the gods name is a praying mantis?
Hades: It’s this bug that sleeps with its mate and then kills it and devours it whole.
Marcus: {shivers}
Xena: Really? And you called me that? Do you want to die you eleven-fingered freak?
Hades: You can’t kill me, I’m a god!
Xena: {stares at him for another long moment} Fine, but you’re on my list pal!

Hades agrees to re-judge Marcus. Xena and Marcus share a passionate kiss and then she stabs him in the heart and kisses him until he dies. How nice of her, huh?

Marcus: Xena, will you grow gills and go to the underworld for me?
Xena: Only if I get to stab you when we’re done.
Marcus: Deal.

So Xena speaks on his behalf. Hades places Marcus in the Elysian Fields. Did anyone get a good look at what the Elysian Fields was made up of? All blonde woman and girls. I guess I’m not getting in. I’m surprised they let in Marcus. I mean, seriously…look at all their extras! There’s not another man there! Either Marcus is going to be incredibly lonely, or incredibly busy!
Xena kisses him good-bye.

Marcus: Keep thinking of me.
Xena: Yeah, but only until the end of this episode. Then I’m never going to mention you again. Hope you don’t feel bad about it.
Marcus: I’m in the Elysian Fields, I can’t feel bad about anything!
Xena: Good, then I don’t feel bad. Um, well, like..I want to get rid of these gills, so see ya!
Marcus: Yep, later!

Xena comes out of the lake. She cries to Gabby. What we all didn’t know was that she swam too far and got bitten by an eel. I liked this episode. If you didn’t, well that’s nice for you.

-CB

divideandconquer@yahoo.com

Publicist of Evil Xena & Sinister Callisto
{taking money from both for doing nothing..while they sleep and plan their next village raid together;}

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