Spoiler: The Greater Good

I'm rather mean to Gabby in this one..well in most of them. But that's just fair warning. If you're so obssessive you're scary, this might not be good for ya, k? Good.

Gabrielle is trying out a move on Argo. Argo is apparently more skilled than her, because when Xena whistles Argo kicks away Gabrielle's staff.
Argo doesn't like Gabrielle. You know, I really like Argo. Xena even has to tell Argo to be nice to Gabrielle, before she takes off to another rode. Just 'cause Argo doesn't like Gabby doesn't mean she has free reign to kick her ass, or anything.
Xena goes to a well to get a drink of water. Right when she's about to take a sip some girl goes, "HEY!" and Xena goes, "I didn't do anything! It's just water!" Xena just whipped around like she was doing something bad.
This chick tells Xena that Talmadeus is trying to take Lord Seltzer. Xena whistles for Argo (Gabby falls, 'cause she was trying to get on Argo).
Some guys from Talamedus' army are at the village. They've got Lord Seltzer, who happens to be Salmoneus. They're about to burn down the factory when Xena shows up.
Xena fights with everyone. While she's fighting we see someone (OK, we don't really see their face at all) loading a cool dart contraption. It's supposed to be Callisto, but for some reason they wanted to keep that a secret until the next episode.
Anyways, Xena gets hit with the poison dart. I think she wanted to get hit by that dart, you know why? Because by getting hit by that dart Xena got an unexpected vacation sort of. I'll explain later, if you're lucky. She hides the dart and doesn't tell anyone.
Salmoneus is making money selling fizzy water.
Xena wants to know what Sal sold Talmadeus to piss him off so badly. Sal sold him talgamite weapons. So the weapons look and feel like metal, but they melt when water gets on them.

Soldier1: I'm going to kill you and your little dog, too! {Holding his sword high above a fallen soldier}
Soldier2: What dog?! Huh? Buddy, your sword is melting. {Begins laughing at the other soldier}
Soldier1: That's not funny. {Kicking Soldier2}
Soldier2: Ouch, stop kicking me. I'm telling your mommy!
Soldier1: You could tell her {Pausing for dramatic effect} If she didn't have that hatchet in her head!!! Hahahahahahah! Whoops mom, I didn't mean to aim that thing and throw, guess it must've just slid out of my hand!
Soldier2: Oh great. {Prepares to die, but realizes even if Soldier1 had a hatchet right now, it'd melt.}

Sal tells Xena if she doesn't get him out of there Talmadeus wil kill him. Xena says they're not going to leave the villagers to the mercy of Talmadeus 'cause he'll kill them.
Talmadeus is playing a game of "You know I'm gonna win and burn your hand." Okay, it was arm wrestling. Talmadeus really wants to kill Sal.
Talmadeus' army is walking along. Xena follows behind all of them, not because she didn't want to be seen, but because she's got a horse butt fetish. Hmm.
Xena takes out (meaning she punched them and stuff..not like..take them out to dinner or anything) all of the soldiers and fights Talmadeus.
First it seems as though Xena is winning. Then Talmadeus starts kicking her butt. Xena hearing everything echoed, and seeing all cloudy and stuff, wonders if those were the wrong kind of mushrooms she picked for lunch.
Talmadeus is about to kill Xena, when Gabby comes storming through, throwing her staff and knocking the sword out of Talmadeus' hands. Then Xena whistles for Argo, who saves them both. Guess Argo doesn't have to worry about going to the glue factory anytime soon.
Oh jeez. I'm watching auto-racing. Someone crash already. Hehe, Wipe OUT!! Wasn't actually a crash though.
Talmadeus tells this other guy that he saw the fear in Xena's eyes 'cause she's running for her life.
Gabrielle is yelling at Xena for not telling her about the poisoned dart. Xena says her legs are almost useless and she can't feel her feet. So now's Gabby's chance to tattoo "I'm a big giant wuss" on Xena's legs, and have her never even know about it. Well, until she looked down at her legs one day when she was better and be all like "AHH! What the hell is this written on my leg???"
Xena says they will have to convince Talmadeus otherwise or Talmadeus will think she is as she is. Salmoneus says someone's got to take charge.
Gabrielle dresses in Xena's outfit. AHAHAHAHAHA! Okay, whoa, glad that's over. She needs the top tightened. She tries to do the warcry. She can't do it that well. Pssst...Sal, try kicking her in the stomach, as soon as she can breath normally again, you'll get the right pitch in her voice! 

Xena: Now Gabrielle, listen carefully. I know you've been in battles before, but this one is different. I want you riding in and out of there quickly.
Gabby: Riding? That would mean Argo. No, she doesn't like me.
Argo: {Neighing} That's true.
Xena: She doesn't hate you.
Argo: {Neighing} How do you know? I can't stand her. You know that, you saw it yourself damn it!
Xena: I thought you had a pony when you were little?
Argo: She probably killed it with all that talking.
Gabby: I did. I killed it though, and sent it overseas as a fresh new beef by-product. Just think off all those little foreign children mowing down on a big bite of Tympani!
Xena: {gag} Yuck!!!

Gabby leads Talmadeus' men into the village. Xena throws her chakram, and the villagers kick some thug butt.
Xena and Gabby talk. Xena tells her a direct attack on Talmadeus' army will make him more cautious.
Gabby wants to know if Xena's going to die. Xena says it's not about her. It's about the "Greater Good" I say change the "good" to "bad" and you might have something. Think about it...

Xena: Gabrielle, if I die, you must leave here and let these people rot. Talmadeus will come here and kill them all, {shrugs shoulders} but by then I'll be dead and I won't care.
Gabby: Xena, I think you should care more about the villagers.
Xena: Who cares about the villagers? This isn't about them, Gabrielle. This is about the "Greater Bad" By the way, when I die, drag my rotting corpse to Amphipolis, will ya? Good girl.

Gabby attacks Talmadeus' camp. She fire bombs it and chants the warcry real loud. Talmadeus makes Argo throw Gabby.
Xena's all dying and stuff in the factory. Two guys go in there, and I'd suppose were after her. Although, I have no clue where they came from. What'd they just sneak away from the army?
Um, she squirts the first guy with some fizzy water..and then falls to the ground 'cause like I said before she's dying! One of the guys lands on top of her, she uses him to fight the other guy. I think she breaks his neck, but I heard no *CRUNCH* so until I hear a crunch he's still breathing! She's sort of crawling, or something, and then she just falls.
Back to Gabby. Talmadeus is about to kill her, but Argo saves her again. I um, changed my mind, I don't like horses.
So all the guys who were going after Gabby were now like, "Forget the girl, kill the furkin horse!"
Sal goes into the factory and finds Xena's dead body. He says, "This is a trick, right?" And my closed captioning wrote, "This is ick, right?" Yeah, damn right it's "ick"
Gabby comes back. Sal stops her from barging right on in. By looking at everyone she could tell that someone had die, they looked like they had just had a funeral, or something. Oh, never mind.
Gabby goes and uncovers Xena's body, and just stares at it. Then she plants one on Xena's dead lips...actually, most of that kiss was just Gabby's nose. "Xena, I love you, so I'm sticking my nose in your mouth when you're dead. Hope you don't mind."
Sal thinks they should leave for the greater bad, but Gabby says they'll stay for the greater good. Isn't there a great in between, huh?
Gabrielle then proceeds to go outside and beat up a tree (for references on "Gabby beats up trees" read "Intimate Strangers" parody/spoiler).

Gabby: The Tree Beater

{Er, I'm sitting in a tattoo parlor writing this. Don't ask}

Gabby: I hate you! You awful piece of tree. Your mama was a birch!
Tree: *sniff* Why are you doing this to me? I never did anything to you, you crazy bee-atch.
Gabby: What do you mean? You were grown!
Tree: And if I wasn't? What then? I bet you don't celebrate earth day!
Gabby: I don't! And I don't care!
Tree:{Trying to calm her down}  I bet you Xena liked trees.
Gabby: No! She hated trees.
Tree: Oh really? She never used them to do flips, or used their bark for medicine?
Gabby: No she didn't. In fact, if woodchippers were invented, you'd know where you'd be going, pal!
Tree: I HATE YOU!
Gabby: I hate you, too! You bastard! {WHACK}
{Note* I'm hungry and damn that has to hurt}
Tree: Listen, you really need to stop beating up trees, we have a warrant out for your arrest.
Gabby: {Whack} What in Tartarus is that supposed to mean?
Tree: Ouch, stop hitting me. You're really hurting me!
Gabby: Die! DIE! DIE! DIE you stupid tree!
Tree: I hope you die! *Gasp* {Covers his..er mouth, with some spare branches}
{Facial movements say "ouch that needle pricking thingie really hurts}
Gabby: By the gods, I'm sorry!
Tree: No. I'm sorry.
Gabby: We need to show that we can all live together in harmony. The trees and the people.
Tree: I agree.
Gabby: I'm sorry I hit you and called you those horrible names.
Tree: That's okay.
Gabby: {Holds her hand out in a gesture of friendship}
Tree: {Extends his branch out, nervously, in a gesture of friendship}
Gabby: Friends?
Tree: Friends.

{OUUUUUCH!}

Ok, a half an hour later. You know what? It's still "ouch"

There's a beetle...um, scratch that it looks like a small cockroach. Nasty. Anyways...it's flipped over on it's back, and it's new name is Gabby.
Ooh, Gabby's legs are all in the air "Help me! Help me! Someone flip me over please?!" Gabby could sure use some help.
Should I flip Gabby over? Ummm, didn't think so. How about this *SPLAT* No, I don't want Gabby guts on my shoe. Gabby really is helpless. Too bad I hate bugs.
Gabby's going to be on her back for a while. She'll be there 'till someone steps on her, or flips her over.
Hmm, the person getting the tattoo (who shall remain nameless) got pissed when I subtly pointed out Gabby on the floor with my shoe. Then said, "NO." When I threatened to squash Gabby.
People keep walking by, Gabby's just waiting to die. Yep, I'm sitting in a tattoo parlor and I've got nothing better to do than document the last few moments of a cockroaches life. Jeez, you look away from Gabby for two seconds and she stops moving. Huh, she was alive a few minutes ago. Eeew, now it's definately *SPLAT* Someone just walked on Gabby.
Damn Gabby, I thought you had more left in you. And you really were keeping me amused. Your flopping around will be missed. Ooh, Gabby just got kicked 2ft to the left. She's dead and she's still getting abused.
Okay, back to the spoiler (I am home now, that's the only  part I wrote at the tattoo place).
Sal gives himself and Xena's corpse over to Talmadeus. Then we see Xena's hand moving. Just rigor mortis, I tell ya. She probably farted, too. Dead people do weird things, not that I'd know, but they do. Don't you watch horror movies?
Talmadeus has them bring out Xena's dead body. They dump her on the ground like a sack of potato's (or Potatoe's for Dan Quale).
Talmadeus asks, "Who killed Xena?" Sal answers, "I don't know." Talmadeus goes, "I killed her." *snicker* Yeah right!  Someone we're not supposed to know who yet, killed her.
Talmadeus orders Xena's body to be torn limb from limb. Suddenly, Gabby comes out and tries to protect Xena's corpse. Pretty impressive.
Somehow Gabby ends up at knifepoint. The soldiers tie Xena up to the horses. One is Argo. How stupid is that. Like Argo would ever tear Xena limb from limb...maybe if she gave her like a bad apple..even then it'd be iffy.
Argo and the other horse have a conversation, where Argo tells the other horse that she loves Xena and really would rather not rip her limb from limb.
They both don't move under the whipping. When some guy goes to kill Argo, Xena comes back alive and says, "Don't you ever touch my horse again." Ooh, cool Xena. You just came back to life and that's the first thing you say? It should be, "I mean it Satan, don't touch my butt again or I'll take you to small claims court, and that really is hell!"
Uh, she fights with everyone, and then with Talmadeus. She wins. The good guys always win, well, most of the time. If they don't we never hear about it.
Xena tells Gabby she had to go under to fight the effects of the poison. That makes no sense. She had to die to get better. I don't even know if she thinks she died the way she says it. They still don't know who hit her with the dart, or why. She'll find out though....so no big deal.
One small cockroach named "Gabby" died during the making of this spoiler.

-CB
For more spoilers:
http://members.tripod.com/~Fruit_2/CBparody.html