*chuckle* a day, keeps trolls @bay

BEFORE AND AFTER YOU FALL IN LOVE....

BEFORE- you take my breath away
AFTER- I feel like I'm suffocating

BEFORE- twice a night
AFTER- twice a month

BEFORE- she says she loves the way I take control of a situation
AFTER- she called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac

BEFORE- Lucy and Ricky
AFTER- Fred and Ethyl

BEFORE- Saturday night fever
AFTER- Monday night football

BEFORE- he makes me feel like a million dollars
AFTER- if I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...

BEFORE- don't stop
AFTER- don't start

BEFORE- the sound of music
AFTER- the sounds of silence

BEFORE- is that all your having?
AFTER- maybe you should have just a salad, honey

BEFORE- Love of Life
AFTER- jeopardy

BEFORE- its like I'm living in a dream
AFTER- its like he lives in a dorm

BEFORE- $60/doz.
AFTER- $1.50/stem

BEFORE- turbo charged
AFTER- jump start

BEFORE- we agree on everything
AFTER- doesn't she have a mind of her own?

BEFORE- Victoria's Secret
AFTER- fruit of the loom

BEFORE- charming and noble
AFTER- Chernobyl

BEFORE- feathers and handcuffs
AFTER- ball and chain

BEFORE- idol
AFTER- idle

BEFORE- I love a woman with curves
AFTER- I never said you were fat

BEFORE- he's completely lost without me
AFTER- why won't he ever ask for directions?

BEFORE- time stood still
AFTER- this relationship is going nowhere

BEFORE- croissant and cappuccino
AFTER- bagel and instant

BEFORE- blind
AFTER- nearsighted

BEFORE- iambic pentameter
AFTER- blank verse

BEFORE- shrimp
AFTER- fish sticks

BEFORE- I can hardly believe we found each other
AFTER- I can't believe I ended up with someone like you

BEFORE- passion
AFTER- ration

BEFORE- once upon a time
AFTER- the end

WHAT I LEARNED FROM THE MOVIES. . .

1.) During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a
strip joint at least once.

2.) All beds have special L-shaped top sheets which reach up to armpit
level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

3.) It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in
the control tower to talk you down.

4.) A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating
but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

5.) Large loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the
price range of most people - whether they are employed or not.

6.) Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary
to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few
moments.

7.) At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

8.) A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from
duty.

9.) If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone you bump
into will know all the steps.

10.) Should you decide to defuse a bomb don't worry which wire to cut.
You will always choose the right one.

11.) Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communications system of any invading alien society.

12.) Extremely beautiful and intelligent women are likely to become
prostitutes or welders.

13.) It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight
involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack
you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you
have knocked out their predecessors.

14.) When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your
bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

15.) Police departments give their officers personality tests to make
sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their total
opposite.

16.) When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to
each other.

17.) Radiation causes interesting mutations - not to your future
children but to you, right there and then.

18.) If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world
class detective wothout training.

19.) Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down
three days before their retirement.

20.) Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their
archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley
systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man eating sharks which will allow
their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

HORROR MOVIES - THE RULES

1.) Hold hands and stick together. (we learned that one in
Kindergarden.)

2.) Keep your clothes on. The less you wear, the more likely you are to
be killed.

3.) NEVER split up to find the bad guy. (See #1)

4.) Don't turn your back on the bad guy if you think he's dead. He's
not.

5.) Don't spend the night in the former home of a crazy person. They
tend to come back.

6.) If you don't heed #5, and you see or hear anything strange.... Don't
stay in the old haunted house, the campground, etc. Leave immediately.

7.) If you choose not to listen to #5, make sure you have a new battery,
extra spark plugs, plug wires and distributer caps with you. (See #6.)

8.) Wear ugly underwear. (In case #2 does not appeal to you.)

9.) Learn to scream in a lower voice. It will irritate others much
less.

10.) Flame throwers, grenades, guns, and other weapons may come in
handy. Then again, they can be used against you. Think carefully.

You Might be a Redneck Jedi if...
>
> Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.
>
> You have ever used your lightsaber to open a bottle of Jack Daniel's.
>
> You think the best use of your lightsaber is picking your teeth.
>
> At least one wing of your X-Wing is Bondo colored.
>
> There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.
>
> You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.
>
> You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok without using the word
> "chicken".
>
> You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.
>
> You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets.
>
> A peaceful meditation session is one without gas.
>
> You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not THE force.
>
> Your master ever said, "My finger you will pull..hmmm?"
>
> You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
>
> You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit.
>
> The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
>
> Wookies are offended by your B.O.
>
> You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't
> have to wait for a commercial.
>
> You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
>
> You have ever used a lightsaber to clean fish or open a non-twist-off
> bottle of beer.
>
> Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark
> side, it'll be a hoot."
>
> You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock
> thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
>
> The moonshine still you built on Endor is hidden so well even the Ewoks
> can't find it.
>
> You have a stuffed womp rat anywhere in your home.
>
> You think the symbol for the Rebel Alliance should be the Confederate flag.
>
> More than half the droids you own don't function.
>
> The number of blasters you own exceeds your I.Q.
>
> You wonder why Luke and Leia gave up on getting married.
>
> You used a carbon-freezing chamber to mount the Wampa you shot while on
> vacation on Hoth.
>
> Your moonshine is made on a real moon.
>
> You don't like wearing a Jedi robe because it prevents access to the dip
> stored in your back pocket.
>
> Sandpeople back down from your mama.
>
> You've ever used Jedi mind control to talk your way out of a speeding
> ticket or DUI.
>
> You've ever strangled someone with the force because they laughed at your
> accent.
>
> You built an outhouse over the Sarlaac.
>
> You've ever argued with a Jawa over scavenging rights to a broken droid.
>
> A Wookie has ever told you that you need to shave.
>
> You have ever wrecked a landspeeder while trying to light a cigarette with
> your lightsaber.
>
> You don't think the Ewoks are primitive.
>
> You think an AT-AT looks like a giant cow.
>
> You don't think Jabba's pig guards have a hygiene problem.
>
> The Rancor monster refused to eat you.
>
> You consider your lightsaber the ultimate bug zapper.
>
> You discover that your greatest enemy is, in fact, your father. And your
uncle. And your brother...

A man had been feeling sick for several days. Finally he decided to try
a
new doctor who had just moved into town.
>
> After hearing the man's symptoms and listening to his belly with a
> stethoscope the doctor told him that he had a tapeworm. "Oh, is that bad?
How can I get rid of it?" asked the man. "Come in tomorrow and bring a
hard
boiled egg and a lemon cookie," said the doctor. When he saw a puzzled
look
cross the man's face, the doctor said, "Trust me. I'm the doctor."
>
> So, the next day the man brings in the hard boiled egg and the lemon
cookie. "Drop your pants, and bend over," says the doctor. "What?" says
the
man. "Trust me. I'm the doctor," says the doctor. So, the man drops his
pants and bends over. SWOOSH! The doctor shoves the egg up his rear.
"Whoa! Hold on a minute, Jack!" screams the man. "Hold still and trust
me.
I'm the doctor," says the doctor. About a minute later, SWOOSH! up goes
the lemon cookie. "Now pull up your pants and come back tomorrow with a
hard boiled egg and a lemon cookie," says the doctor. As the infuriated
man
starts to protest the doctor says, "Trust me. I'm the doctor."
>
> So, the man comes in the next day and he brings the hard boiled egg and
the lemon cookie. "Drop your pants and bend over," says the doctor.
"This
again?" yells the man. "Trust me. I'm the doctor," says the doctor. So,
the man drops his pants and bends over. SWOOSH! The doctor shoves the
egg
up his rear. "Oh! I can't believe I'm doing this!" says the man. "Hold
still now and trust me. I'm the doctor," says the doctor. About a minute
later,SWOOSH! up goes the lemon cookie. "Now pull up your pants and come
back tomorrow with another hard boiled egg and another lemon cookie,"
says
the doctor. As the man starts to shake his head the doctor says, "Trust
me.
I'm the doctor."
>
> So, this goes on all week until one day, after the man pulls up his
pants,the doctor says, "Now come in tomorrow and bring a hard boiled egg
and a hammer." As the man turns pale the doctor says, "Trust me. I'm the
doctor."
>
> The man gets no sleep that night worried to death about what the hammer
is going to feel like when it gets shoved up in him. He almost stays
home,but he still feels sick. So far the treatments haven't helped and
he's
afraid he'll have to start over if he goes to a new doctor.
>
> The man comes in the next day and he brings the hard boiled egg and the
hammer. "Drop your pants and bend over," says the doctor. "But, why do
we
need a hammer?" asks the man nervously. "Trust me. I'm the doctor,"
says
the doctor. The man drops his pants and bends over. SWOOSH! The doctor
shoves the egg up his rear. "Please!" says the man, terrified of what is
to
come next. "Hold still and trust me. I'm the doctor," says the doctor.
>
> About a minute later, the man is about to pass out from terror and he is
involuntarily clenching his rear as tight as he can. Then nothing
happens.
Several more minutes pass and he starts to relax. The man is about to
straighten up and ask the doctor what happened when the tapeworm sticks
its
head out his rear and yells, "Where's my lemon cookie?!"
>
> And WHAM! Down comes the hammer.

Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be. This
widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother, for she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy, I
soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad. And so
became my uncle, though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter who, of course, was my
step-mother. Father's wife then had a son, who kept them on
the run.

And he became my grandson, for he was my daughter's son. My
wife is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue. Because,
although she is my wife, she's my grandma too. If my wife is
my grandmother, then I am her grandchild. And every time I
think of it, It simply drives me wild. For now I have become
the strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my
grandmother, I am my own grandpa.

Not to long ago a blonde woman I know had a near death experience that
has changed her forever. She was horseback riding, and everything was
going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried
with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off.

Her foot became caught in the stirrup. She fell head first to the
ground and her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not
stop or even slow down.

Just when things were looking their worst, as she was giving up hope
and about to lose consciousness, there was a miracle: The Walmart
manager came and unplugged it.

-----

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a
redhead and one's a blonde.

The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she
has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready!
... Aim! ..."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!" Everyone is startled and
looks around as the brunette escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she
has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts, "Ready!
... Aim! ..."

Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!" Once again, everyone is
startled and looks around, while the redhead silently slips away.

By now the blonde has it all figured out, and the guard brings her
forward. The executioner asks if she has any last requests, she says
no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! ... Aim! ..." and the blonde
yells, "FIRE!"

Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them
from Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood
at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they
passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three
sequential colors.

One day, they heard "yellow, blue, black." One of the nuns
noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their
underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns,
but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.

The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in
front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, "black,
black, black." Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished!!.
One of the nuns spoke up: "Girls, tomorrow we are going to
trick that bird."

Saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them
should be wearing any underwear under their vestments.
Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no
underwear, and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house.

They peeked at the bird. At the beginning, the parrot looked a
bit puzzled, he swung back and forth on the cane he was
perched on.

Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke: "Straight, Straight, Curly!"
~~~~~~

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this really big,
deep hole.

"Wow.. that looks deep!" "Sure does. Toss a few pebbles in there and
see how deep it is." They pick up a few pebbles, throw them in, and
wait.....no noise. "Doggone, that is REALLY deep... here throw one
these big rocks and see how long it takes." Again, there was no
noise after throwing in the rock.

"Look over here, there's a railroad tie in the weeds. Lets throw it in,
its gotta make a noise." The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole
and
heave it in. Not a sound from the hole.

The two stand there, amazed, when suddenly, out of nowhere, a goat
appears, running like the wind.

It rushes straight toward the two men and then past them, running as
fast as its legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps into the air and into
the hole. The two men are astonished by what they've just seen.
Then out of the wood comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.

"Hey .. you two guys seen my goat out here?"

"You bet we did! The darndest thing we've ever seen. Came running
outta nowhere like crazy and just jumped right into this hole!"

"Nah", says the farmer, " Couldn't have been my goat. My goat was
chained to a railroad tie."