|LAS VEGAS - A leading genetic theorist is claiming that Xena may not
|be a "Princess" in title only. He believes the Warrior Princess may be
|the daughter of a true King.
|
| Dr. Herb Hoaxer, professor of heroddity and flabbergenetics at the
|University of Mississippi at Tupelo, claims that Xena is actually the
|offspring of Elvis Presley.
|
| "It would make perfect sense," Dr. Hoaxer commented, while
|breakfasting with other leading Presley thinktanks at Ludy Lou's Greasy
|Spoon in downtown Tupelo. "If anyboedy else has got a better idea, dang
|it - I wanna hear about it."
|
| Hoaxer shrugs off claims that Xena may have actually been fathered by
|mythological legend Ares, God of War OR Dahok, the Persian's version of
|the Devil. "That Robert Tapert feller is in the money-makin' business
|and this is just some silly idea he cooked up to get more viewers,"
|Hoaxer said. "I know the truth, and I can prove it."
|
| Hoaxer claims the similarities between Xena and Elvis are uncanny, and
|cannot be coincidental. These include the striking black hair, the
|piercing blue eyes, and the size 11D shoe size. He says they also share
|identical hobbies, such as kicking the butts of inferiors, go-carting,
|karate, and weaponry. (While Xena limits her weapon use to her Chakram,
|her whip, and her sword, Hoaxer said it is believed that Xena may
|actually be hiding an arsenal of guns in an Athens storage garage -
|including M-16's and other rifles, automatic pistols, derringers, and a
|Thompson submachine gun.) Hoaxer added that Xena may be saving these for
|use "just in case that Callisto gal decides to come back from oblivion
|for revenge."
|
| Hoaxer also claims that Xena owns a pink 1955 Cadillac Fleetwood
|four-door - the same car Elvis drove around Memphis during his glory
|days. He claims that certain Greeks have actually reported seeing Xena
|driving around the countryside in the vehicle, with an unidentified
|"little blonde" in the passenger seat.
|
| When contacted by telephone, "Gabrielle," Xena's longtime companion
|and spokesperson, denied that Xena even owned a car. However, when
|presented with Hoaxer's theory, she admittied to harboring her own
|suspicions about Xena's paternity.
|
| "She goes around humming some stupid song about a hounddog," Gabrielle
|said. "And she keeps asking me if I'll be her teddybear. I've never
|understood that."
|
| Also, Gabrielle reports that Xena does have strange tastes in food,
|and tends to enjoy a "high cholesterol diet." She said Xena's favorite
|foods are burned bacon, peanut butter and banana sandwiches, and fried
|chicken coated in potato chip crumbles.
|
| Hoaxer claims Xena's REAL mother may actually be a woman named Sheila
|Faye Higginbotham, a native of Podunk Creek, Georgia, who lives in a
|trailer park and has 13 other children. Higgenbotham told Hoaxer that
|she had a one-night-stand with Elvis during a concert stop in Atlanta
|"many years ago."
|
| Attempts to contact Xena for comments on Hoaxer's theory have been
|unsuccessful.
|
| Hoaxer plans to extract DNA material from both Elvis and Xena in order
|to prove his much-scoffed-at theory.
|
| "It will be easy to get it from Elvis," Hoaxer said. "All we gotta do
|is dig him up........now Xena, that's gonna be a problem."
|
|
|
|*****
|
|
|
|By: L.- L.
|
|who has just been hired as a staff writer for the National Enquirer.
|
|
|Hey Muse - I'm movin' to Florida! Yippeeee! (Got anymore room in that
|padded cell of yours?)
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|