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CHAPTER 14

“1st Lieutenant, Bardlow, Reil. Born 19 April 1845. Austin, Texas. It says here you served for several months with the 69th NY right after the bombardment of Fort Sumter. How can that be Lieutenant? You would have been a boy of sixteen summers. Hardly big enough to lift a weapon, by the size of you.” A murmer of laughter swept through the assembled crowd. The short, balding military lawyer by the name of Lieutenant Powers grinned and tossed the papers he was reading from onto the long desk in front of him. He turned and leaned back against the desk, awaiting an answer.

“I fought with the Irish Brigade at Bull Run.” Reil affirmed. “But I was fifteen, not sixteen.” All eyes were on the young soldier, disbelief in some, pride in those few who had seen war, and knew what courage it must have taken for one so young to have fought and survived. “And why, Lt. Bardlow, are you no longer with that particular unit? Were you put out due to your age?” Again, more snickering, but not as much this time. Many in the courtroom were beginning to see Reil from a different light.

“As many know, that unit was a ninety day unit. It was called up with other units under the belief that the conflict would soon be resolved. When they released us, I returned to my home.” The intentions behind the stress on her words was not lost on the arrogant man. She loathed him, and it showed. “Then perhaps you can explain, Lieutenant, why you didn’t immediately rejoin another unit when it became apparent that the conflict was, indeed, a war? Were you scared, perhaps?” A soft hush settled over the onlookers.

Reil glared at the man, then answered in clipped tones. “I’ve seen more battles than you ever will, sitting behind your desk. I don’t fear war, death, or you.” She took a moment to calm herself, knowing that outbursts would get her no help. “My foster father convinced me to wait, saying that he would join with me, when a local unit was mustered. The 69th was from New York City...we wanted to fight along side our friends. He was also none too pleased that I had run away. I promised him I’d wait. And so I did.” Reil still had the scars to show for her battle that first time around, and only wished that showing them would not reveal secrets best left hidden. Punching that smirk off the face of this low life soldier wannabe was high on her list of things she ‘ought not’ do.

“Yes, your foster father. Is he not a captain in your unit?” Before Reil could answer, he pushed on, stepping in close to the chair the young soldier was sitting in. “And isn’t it true that he conspired with you when you deserted?” Reil pushed up from her chair, nose to nose with the lawyer. “I. Did. Not. Desert. I was told by my captain that arrangements had been made for me to recuperate elsewhere.” A gavel knocked from the front of the room. “Lieutenant, control yourself, or I’ll have to have you restrained. Lt. Powers, continue.” Colonel Rachie was a fair man, but Reil knew she was pushing his good will. Slowly she retook her seat, never losing eye contact with the other man.

For three weeks now, they had been either questioning, badgering or otherwise insulting her. Nothing was sacred, but the only thing she was grateful for was that her gender had not come up. This worried her, giving her a brief moment of panic when Powers had asked about why she left the 69th. While she had given a truthful answer, she was concerned that he might have found out, just on speculation. She concentrated on fighting the charges that had already been brought up, not on those that were only possibilities.

Through all of this, the stress was beginning to tell. She hadn’t talked with Emma since they had made their first stop in town, the Old Capitol Prison. Emma, as well as Flo, had been confined there on the second floor, along with other women the government deemed secessionists. Each day, sometimes twice, Reil would walk the mile or more from her barracks, just to stand outside the brick building. Through all her guilt and shame, she still felt the pull of their bond. This pull brought her back here, day after day, just to catch a glimpse of her love through a dingy window. They would gaze at each other for an hour or so, unable to come together as their souls demanded, until Reil would have to leave to attend the hearings or drag herself away to eat and sleep.

A small tent was set up next to the house, guards off duty would lounge there in their off time. Reil managed to befriend one of them, a Private Redding, who saw no problem in delivering a small note and some fresh baked bread. The poor man had been removed from duty because of it, Reil getting a verbal lashing for it as well. She had gone back to simply watching, simply yearning. The young woman came back to her senses when she realized Lt. Powers had asked yet another question. Catching only part of it, she was none the less able to answer.

“If you wish to know why Captain LeRocka is not here, you shall have to ask him yourself. I don’t recall it being by responsibility to know his whereabouts. I would assume he is with our unit.” The bald lawyer smiled and rubbed his hands together, sensing he was moving in on his prey. “Ah, yes, but that brings us once again to the question of why you..were not with...your unit. You have been listed as absent with out official leave since the battle near Chancellorsville. You were aware of this, weren’t you Lieutenant Bardlow?”

Reil was weary of all this, the inquiry had moved from not just her association with Emma, but to the fact that there had been some sort of mix up as to where she had been for a month after the battle. “As I stated before, I was unaware that I was considered absent without leave. My captain informed me, after I had woken from my wounds, that due to the overcrowding and poor sanitary conditions, I was to leave that morning. I was severely wounded during that battle. At the time, I was thankful to be alive, much less alive with all my body parts intact. I can recall little from that time, as I was under medication for the pain my leg was causing me.” This received nods from the assembled crowd, who knew Reil had, indeed, been very seriously injured.

Reil, for her part, played up somewhat the fact that she had been wounded. After all, she thought, if I’m to be discharged from the military, it won’t change the fact that not only am I a veteran, but a wounded veteran at that. She sincerely hoped that her bravery on the battlefield played a heavy part in the inquiry board’s decision. Once again, she thought of all the scars that she couldn’t show, some of those were on the inside as well. Scars that no one would ever see, that she would always see.

Things were soon wrapped up after that. The crowd moving outside into the bright sunlight. Reil quickly pulled on her wide brim hat to shade her eyes. Hmmm...she thought to herself...still early. Most days the inquiry lasted on into the night, sometimes with Reil on the stand, other times so-called witnesses were brought in. She had discovered the identity of the mysterious Sgt. Thornton, and regretted not having been able to make good on her threat to him. So far, she hadn’t seen Rock, and deep down, she didn’t want to. But something gave her an itch she couldn’t scratch, and had the feeling that Rock had already been there testified, and left. Since there was nothing she could do about it, she decided to move on. She headed off in the direction of the slowly setting sun, towards the other half of her soul which called out over the miles in a silent plea to be nearer.

If it was more than a mile from her barracks to the prison, it had to be a lengthy two miles from the courthouse to the prison. Reils’ leg was continuing to heal slowly, but the walks she made on her daily circuit between her destinations helped strengthen her muscles. She only used her cane now, but her limp was still pronounced. Resigning herself to a lifetime of pain was small in comparison to the pain she knew she had unwittingly inflicted on Emma.

Not for the first time, Reil castigated herself for things she, in truth, could do nothing about now. In her drug induced state, she had neglected to check for her authorization papers, thinking that Rock had seen to them. The information she had passed along, thinking that it would help in the coming battle, had turned against her. Colonel Ellis had, in fact, passed the information along, but General Hooker had thought it had come from a Confederate spy somewhere in his own ranks. He assumed that spy to be Reil. For two days, Powers had gone on about the circumstances leading to her fathers death. For two days, Reil had explained in every detail she could remember, the events leading up to that fateful day. For two nights, she cried herself to sleep, reaching out in her dreams each night for the arms of her lover that were no longer there to make the nightmares cease. And every night since her separation from Emma, the other nightmares came. New ones now, of Emma dying the death of a traitor, along with old ones. Both blending into a horrifying psudo-reality that woke her each night drenched in sweat, hoping she hadn’t screamed out her weakness for the other soldiers to hear.

She neared the brick structure which housed her heart as the sunlight was slowly sinking in the west. A man made his rounds with a long burning taper, touching them to the gas lights which lit the street in an eerie glow. Shadows taking on dire proportions in the waning light. Reil considered that they matched the mood of her heart. The guard at the door nodded to Reil, acknowledging her presence, to which she nodded in return and took up her habitual place leaning against one of the lampposts. She never knew if Emma would be looking out when she got there, and always feared that something had happened to her during her absence. Silent minutes went by, broken only by the occasional horse drawn carriage making its’ way down the street.

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Flos’ carpet bag seemed to be bottomless. At least, that’s what Emma thought. The tall beauty sat on a small chair next to her bed, needle in one hand, cloth in the other. She was sewing a fine new shirt for Reil, having noticed that most of the shirts the woman wore were at least one size too large. Her fingers flew as she deftly placed each stitch, knowing that her work would rival the finest tailors in any state. The sleeve she was working on being finally attached, she clipped off the thread with white, even teeth and set the work aside for the moment.

Emma glanced towards the window, noting that the sun was setting on yet another long, tedious day. She had received word today that President Lincoln had denied her request to attend religious services, putting her in a foul mood. It had been nearly a month, and they had yet to find the person she had named as her contact in the Union army. The woman was beginning to think that she would never again see any other walls but the four she was forced to look at each and every day. The only thing that had saved her sanity somewhat were when Reil would ‘visit’. Emma knew the toll it took on the small woman, both inside and out, figuring it had to be pure torture on her leg to make the trek twice a day. But it was the internal toll that Emma was most worried about. They hadn’t spoken since that one stolen moment on the trip to Washington.

They had taken a break from the noon day sun. A small stream under a towering elm brought much needed respite from the infernal heat.

Emma saw an opportunity to speak to Reil, to try and offer what comfort she could. She walked up beside the young woman, placing a hand on her shoulder. The younger woman had flinched and pulled away. “Does my touch now burn you so?” The smaller woman bowed her head, unable to look Emma in the eyes. “No. Not that. You’ve shown me nothing but kindness, and I’ve done nothing but act irresponsibly and caused all this to happen.” The blonde turned towards the stream, shame enveloping her like a heavy shroud.

“I don’t blame you Reil. It was a misunderstanding that was bound to happen. Being a spy carries that chance. I was aware of that since the beginning. But with the events that have happened...” The young woman spun on her, self recrimination clear in her eyes. “Yes. Events that have happened. If I hadn’t been so naive, neither one of us would be in this position now. I can’t bear your gentle touch, it feels too much like pity. I just can’t. I’m sorry.”

Emma tried once again to touch her young soldier, offer some solace, only to have Reil turn heel and head back towards the wagon. She didn’t feel pity, only a tiredness with the war. But Reil did not want to let her inside the walls she had firmly placed between them. A slow tear wended its’ way down her cheek, as one of her guards noticed that she had been talking with Reil and came down to fetch her.

A fresh tear made a path down her face. “Oh, Reil.” she softly whispered, “Please don’t shut me out.”. Standing, Emma made her way to the window, thinking it may be too early, but not sure. There, framed in the shadows cast by the lamplight, stood her love. The pieces of her soul screamed for the presence of the other, desperately needing to be made whole. Emma pressed her hand against a pane of glass, still warm from the recently departed sun. Look up, she silently called with her heart. Look up, my love.

Reil did look up, her heart leaping to her throat, causing her to swallow the lump that had suddenly stolen her breath, and let out a small cry. The guard at the door paid it all no mind. He had seen this scene perhaps twenty times or more during his stint. Leaning back in his chair, he let his gaze wander elsewhere, but his thoughts were that he might find love the likes of that some day. Unconciously, Reil reached for the hand that was pressed against the glass, the futility of it never crossing her mind. It took all her will not to overtake the guard and rush up to the room that held her heart. It would be foolish, she knew, although quite easy as well, to break Emma out and run away with her.

Two things stopped her from doing just that. One was that they would have to leave the country, never being able to return to the land they had cared enough about to fight for. The second, more important reason, was that Reil wasn’t sure that Emma would join her. After what she had said by the stream that day, she was fearful that Emma would hate her. Reil had hated the words she had uttered as soon as they had come forth. But there was no time to turn back, the guard having already spotted them talking. She felt helpless that she had been unable to apologize, so she had done the only thing she could think of to make amends. That was by coming here every day, hard as it had been to be so close, and yet so far away.

Reil lowered her arm, placing her hand to her mouth. Each time, she wanted to cry out at the love which burned her soul. Each time, walking away with her soul in ashes on the cobbled stones at her feet. “I love you.” She whispered each time, the figure in the window echoing it, though each could only see the words forming on each others lips, never hear it. This time, Emmas’ thoughts had brought her to the brink of oblivion, so desperately did she want to hold the other woman. “Don’t give up.”

“Never.”

Part 14