CHAPTER 6
A shy fourteen year old boy tugged at his collar. His mother had insisted he wear his Sunday best for the party. The air inside was stuffy, and he was more comfortable here, outside on the balcony. It was a relief, as well, to get away from all the old biddies who only wanted to pinch his cheeks and pat his head.
A young girl about the same age as him stood nearby, each having said hello to the other, but each too shy to continue the conversation. The boy tugged again at the stiff collar, glancing first out towards the manicured lawn, then through the large bay doors at the party crowd.
The girls’ gaze followed the direction the boys’ had taken, each hearing the soft tune float invitingly on the early evening air. The two young people stood, looking through the wide, glass paned doors as a handsome, blonde, lieutenant approached a stunning, tall dark haired woman. The officer bowed low, the woman gave a graceful curtsey.
The boy was young, but he knew as he watched the scene before him play out, that he was privy to a rare sight. The two stared in awe at the way the officer and the lady complimented each other, tall to short, light to dark. They were witness to more than they could ever understand. Like two lost pieces of a puzzle newly found to each other, the boy and girl could almost hear an audible ‘click’.
The mouth of the officer moved, then the woman’s, and the two marveled yet again at the grace the couple showed as they accompanied each other to the dance floor. They stepped into the dance crowd, and for all the rest of their lives, the young couple on that balcony would swear that the officer and his lady were the only two on that floor.
The young boy turned to face the girl, giving her a deep bow, as he had seen the officer do. “Becky, would you like to dance?” His voice quavered as only a young voice entering adolescence can. Becky curtsied in response and replied in her most mature voice, “Why Clarence, how sweet. I’d love to.” The two gave the dance their best attempt, each a little unsure, but comfortable just the same. As they waltzed, there, in the light of the moon, true love blossomed.
Neither one knew where it would lead at the time, but three years later, the two were married. He became a sucessful lawyer, she a devoted housewife. Together they raised six fine children. When the two were old and grey, they would happily answer the questions their grandchildren would ask about the night they met, the love they shared, and how two complete strangers allowed it to happen without even realizing they were a part of it.
They weren’t the only two to notice the young dancers that night. Women knew disappointment at not having a chance with the young lieutenant. Young men silently grumbled at not getting the chance to dance with the beautiful woman with the jet black hair and piercing blue eyes.
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For all outward appearances, that is what everyone saw. What they didn’t see were how Reil’s knees were shaking, or how much her palms were sweating. The tension nearly consumed her. It was all she could do not to fall into a heap on the floor right then and there. As she made her bow, her voice only betrayed her slightly. “Emma, how good to see you again. Would you be so kind, as to allow this humble soldier a dance?” Emma rose from her curtsy, a light blush on her face, fan waving in a seductive manner over her chest.
She had expected to see Reil tonight, just not expecting the rush of such strong emotions. Emma looked up into green eyes, her own sparkling still with her battling desires. She well knew that she was throwing away all conventions, diving into the unknown. And she couldn’t have been happier. Her answer, though soft, spoke volumes to Reil’s tired heart. “My kind sir. I would be remiss if I didn’t allow myself a dance or two with the most handsome man in the room.” She poured every ounce of love and acceptance that she could into those few words.
Reil’s relieved smile told her that she understood what Emma had been trying to convey. For tonight, at least, they could hold each other, for all the world to see. Reil offered her arm to the lady and they made their way to the dance floor. They might not, at that moment, have called it love. Everyone else who witnessed it would have. Such a rare joining of two hearts made whole, such a beautiful thing, can not hide for long.
They danced silently for long minutes, neither wanting to break the spell they knew they were waltzing through. A moment like this comes but onece in a lifetime. Finally, it was Emma who broke the silence. Her voice pitched for Reil’s ears alone. “I meant what I said before, Reil. You are the most handsome of any man here tonight. You truely take my breath away.” Reil felt a familiar blush creep it’s way onto her face once more. By all the Gods, she thought, will this woman always do this to me? She sincerely hoped so. The blush deepened.
“Emma,” Reil whispered softly, “I was never so scared. I felt like my soul was on the line.” Propriety refrained her from hugging the small woman, though she very much wanted to do so. Instead, the hand which rested on the blue clad shoulder gave a small squeeze. “You look tired. I’ll bet you’ve not been getting anymore sleep than I have.”
“You, but...” The end of the song cut her off, with everyone politely clapping their applause to the talented band. This truely broke the spell. Reil spoke again, “Why don’t we talk out on the balcony? I could use some fresh air.” Emma agreed as she placed her hand once more on Reil’s arm, very much liking the secure feeling which accompanied the gesture. Reil, for her part, very much enjoyed the contact, knowing that when the time came to end the evening, she would have to leave without the other half of her soul.
As they stepped out onto the stone walled balcony, two young teenagers totally absorbed in each other, were walking inside arm in arm heading towards the refreshment table. Emma tilted her head a bit and raised an eyebrow. “Cute couple.” She commented to her officer. Hmm..she thought...*her* officer. She definitely liked the sound of that. “The same might be said about us.” Reil looked up into eyes so blue, they put the heavens to shame.
“Help me out here, are we going for cute?” Reil wrinkled her nose a bit and grimaced. “Good point.” They both laughed as they made their way towards the stone rail and looked out over the freshly trimmed hedges. The soft smell of roses hinted at on the wind.
“Can I ask you a question?” Reil knew practically nothing about this woman whom she was certain now she was falling in love with. “Sure.” The answer came easy, but a dark cloud seemed to come over Emma’s features. Now comes the hard part, she thought. Sure, Reil would want some answers, she just hadn’t really prepared herself to answer them tonight. She decided being honest was her best route. The week she had spent without seeing the woman had practically torn her apart. She didn’t want to face feeling like that again by losing the woman due to lies and deceit.
“Are you married?” Oh, Emma thought, good...go for the easy stuff first. “Once, seems like a lifetime ago now. He died in the war, along with my child.” The telling of it hurt, but there were no tears now, the time for shedding any being done. A small part of her heart wished she could have remained in her grief, if only to prove how much she hurt. But her more practical side prevailed. The wound in her heart was there, but it was no longer fresh. She looked out over the lawn and recounted to Reil the incident leading to their deaths, pausing now and again so she could get through it. It actually felt good to talk to someone about it all. She hadn’t had anyone to share it with, no one to help ease the pain. She knew instictively that she could trust Reil with her heart.
Reil listened until Emma was through, her hand placed on top of the other womans’ hand which still held her arm throughout the telling of the sad tale. “I’m so sorry. You haven’t ever told anyone that, have you?” Softly, Emma replied, “No, no I haven’t. Thank you.” Thank you for listening, she though to herself, thank you for coming into my life, thank you for completing me. “How about I ask you a question now? Do you mind?” She looked over at the small blonde, trying in her mind to memorize each feature of the proud face.
“Not at all. What would you like to know?” She didn’t much like talking about her past, most of the memories too painful to dredge up even after all this time. “Well, I’m a bit curious. How do you manage to keep hidden the fact that you’re a woman? It must put quite a strain on you.” Yes, Reil thought, it was quite a strain until tonight. Never was she so glad that she could appear the man, out at a fancy party with a beautiful woman. There were some definite advantages to hiding your identity.
“Well,” she started out, “it’s really not as difficult as you may think. When I signed on, they barely looked me over, just wanted to make sure I didn’t have any deformities, blindness, things like that. It helped that Rock is a doctor, he vouched for me. And you know how men are, they are so modest.” She got a smile for that one, loving how it lit the other woman’s face up. She decided that she wanted to see more of that smile, and vowed silently to herself that she would make that her life’s work. A chore she gladly shouldered.
“I don’t think I’ve seen a single soldier yet jump into a river to bathe without leaving on their undergarments.” Here comes that blush again...good thing the moon isn’t that bright! “Going off in the morning to bathe privately isn’t seen as so terribly unusual. The same goes for answering nature’s call. The communal latrine is so hideous, no one wants to use it anyway. So, again, going off for a little privacy is not an issue.”
“Aren’t you afraid of being found out?” Reil took a moment to think about that, and how she was going to answer. It was a question that was on her mind each and every day. It was her turn to look out over the lawn. “Most people see what they want to see. They see a young boy fighting in a war. So far, my illusion has only been broken by my choice to tell someone. The only people that know are my family in Texas, Rock, and...you.” Emma had realised immediately the other night that she had been let in on something very private, and was thankful that the woman had chosen to trust her with her secret. She silently vowed not to let Reil regret her choice.
Emma’s attention was brought back to the present as Reil continued. “I heard stories, about a woman from Ohio. She got tore up pretty bad by some grape shot. They had to cut away the uniform to treat the wound and she was found out. That’s my biggest fear, really. I don’t ever want to get hurt so bad that I end up in the hospital. I’m here to fight in this war, and I don’t want to get kicked out on a technicality. Regardless of why this war is being fought, the country should remain whole. Not broken up into pieces so that the world can see how weak we are.”
She paused here, knowing that her next statement would probably seem extremely peculiar to the tall beauty. “I’m finding that I like being thought of as a man. I don’t get treated like a second class citizen, good only for darning socks and cooking. Guess you must think that makes me kind of strange, hunh?
Emma had wondered a great deal about what would motivate a woman to take up arms, keep her identity hidden, place herself in constant danger. It all made much more sense now. Here was a woman who saw her country being torn apart, and only wanted to do what she felt was right. It was beyond a game, as most men thought when women spoke of war, it was her duty to her country. Each woman chose how to serve in the war effort, Reil had chosen to serve in the utmost manner. Emma felt proud to know her.
“I think that perhaps no other soldier has given up as much as you have to serve in this war. People fight sometimes because they think the South is wrong, or the North is wrong. Ideals that may mean nothing to them personally. I’ve spoken to some soldiers who say they are fighting simply because they are told to, many not ever having any thought beyond that of self preservation. But you, you fight to prove that a woman can defend her country as well as any man, even knowing that you may never be recognized for it. You fight because it’s the right thing to do. And if it is a side benefit that you get treated like an equal in the process, well...you deserve it.”
Reil turned to face Emma once again. Their faces just inches apart. “You really think so?” “Yes, without a doubt.” But Reil’s next question came out of some long held, deep, insecurities. “Do I deserve you?” She said it so softly, Emma’s breath caught. She hadn’t expected that one. She pulled away a bit, nervous...she wanted so badly to run at that moment. Surely Reil would hate her if she knew the truth. “There’s so much about me that you don’t know, Reil. Maybe the question ought to be whether or not I...deserve...you.”
Emma looked away, she couln’t bear the look of hurt she knew would be on the younger woman’s face. Reil’s gloved hand came up and she gently turned the womans face toward her. “It’s alright, I already know about the brothel in Fredricksburg. It was one of the reasons I told you about me, I’d seen how well you kept your own secret. I knew I could trust you. And it doesn’t matter to me, I’m sure you have your reasons.”
“It’s not something I’m proud of, Reil. I actually inherited it from my grandmother. When I got there, about a year ago, right after my husband died, I was going to disband the girls. I really had no idea that grandmother had that type of business...no one knew. But there were matters which needed to be settled...debts owed...” Her voice trailed off, the telling of the fact helping somewhat to relieve the ache in her heart.
The Confederates owed her two lives. Emma had known she couldn’t rest until those debts had been paid. She left it at that, hoping that her other activities would never have to be revealed to the young officer. Once her dealings with the Colonel were done, she would be able to tell her of her involvement, but doing so now might jeopardize her situation. “But it won’t be long before those debts are paid, then I can hand the business over to one of the girls who has since shown interest in managing the brothel. She does most of the paperwork now, and she’s good at it. I only run the place, and with my husband dead, the extra money was welcome. I wouldn’t make a very good whore.” It was Emma’s turn to blush, she hadn’t expected the conversation to turn out so detailed.
Reil knew that it was a big step for the woman to take in telling her all this. If Emma’s secret were to get out, the standing she had in society would ruin her. No more parties like this, that would be sure. She knew about keeping up appearances, knew how much sacrifice was required of ones own self. She felt a bond with this woman. Unconventional times called for unconventional actions. This was just another woman who was just doing what was necessary to survive in a very chaotic time.
This amazing woman had accepted Reil for who she was, Reil felt she could do no less. “You just do what you have to, like me.” Throughout the conversation, Reil had begun to feel more comfortable. She desperately wanted to have Emma understand that no matter what happened, in her eyes, things like owning a brothel made no difference in her feelings towards her. She tried to convey this feeling with her words, but saw that it wasn’t enough. Once again glad that for any who might look their way that she was clad as a man, Reil reached up and ran the outside of her fingers along the other womans’ finely sculptured cheek. “Oh, Emma. Don’t you see?”
“See what?” The reply was husky, and Emma leaned her face into the caress. “My heart.” With this, she gently cupped the taller womans face with her hand, thumb softly brushing along the line of a delicate ear. Faces only a scant distance apart, they both hesitated, knowing what this would mean, the change that would alter their lives forever. Ever so carefully, their lips met. The dance of destiny had begun.