Y2K Problem #332: The "Service Engine Soon" light, in every car across the world, will turn on the first time they are started in the year 2000.

One great thing that has come from this whole Clinton debacle, is that we now know there's a senator out there named "A-Ka-Ka." Did you hear the roll-calling during the historic Impeachment vote on the Senate floor? "Mister Abrams." (inaudible response) "Mister Abrams: Guilty.... Mister A-Kaka (snicker)." (response: "I heard that! Not Guilty") "Mister A-Kaka (snicker): Not Guilty"

Scene: Saddam Hussein on national television, delivering an historic speech to the world. His expression, as usual, is angry, fist clenched. "The American Satan," he shouts, "has usurped my people for too long. We will rise up from our oppression and crush the vermin under our strong heals. I call on every one of my brothers, from all corners of the globe, to join with me in repelling this virus called the United States. I call you, and I do it using 10-10-841, the only real choice in long distance calling. Just 9 cents a minute. Please, my brothers, call 10-10-841 today, and we will rule the world!"

Some People Are Just That Good:

I get such a thrill out of re-filling the stapler.

Barbie Bondage: (Bah * Bee * Bon * Duj) n. The standard level of restraint imposed on a Barbie doll while packaged. This includes reinforced twisties, string and tape to hold back the hair, head, neck, arms, hands, fingers, breasts, stomach, waist, thighs, knees, ankles, feet, and pocket books, in such a way as to require the utter destruction of the packaging. This level of packaging ensures no Barbie Doll can ever be returned, for any reason, once freed.

I think every child of this generation is a reincarnation of a French Revolution victim. It's the only reason I can see as to why their so terrified of having their hair washed…. Really, there's a connection there, albeit a loose one.

Beepbeater: (Bee * pbee * ter): A person able to get their money, transaction slip and card out of the machine within one get-your-f-ing-card-out-of-my-mouth ATM beep.

Isn't it funny that the word "phonetically" isn't spelled the way it sounds?

If someone invites you to a one-hour meeting at work but has the conference room scheduled for three hours, don't go.

God Choke (god * choke.. spelled like it sounds): The act of struggling to keep your breakfast down while returning to the church pew, after the Host has stuck to the back of your throat.

Have a meeting at work, and make the overhead projector really blurry. As you talk, stop suddenly and say, "I'm sorry, this projector is extremely blurry. Would you all rather I hand out the printed copies?" Everyone nods an emphatic 'yes' and you begin handing out the stack. Of course, you've made the printed copies just as blurry to match the overheads.

A slimy conniving ambulance chaser is rear ended by the presidential limousine. It's only a fender bender, but after exchanging papers under the scrutinizing gaze of the Secret Service, the man who was bumped buys a neck brace and sues the president of the United States for damages, mental duress, and loss of wages for the next twenty years. Scene: The courthouse.

I thought of a great gift idea. I could make millions, or at least dozens. It's a wall clock, that you buy to give to someone. It has a thin computer chip hidden inside. When the batteries are put in a timer activates. Thirty-three days later at 2:36 am, a moaning sound issues from the clock. Just once, for only three seconds. Then nothing. Forty-seven days later, at 3:33 am, the sound of breaking glass, and a giggle. The owner of the clock will never suspect the source... the first Tuesday after fifteen days, 1:00 am, a child laughing for 2-1/2 seconds, then a sudden "No! No!" Nothing else for a year......

Urinechophobia (yoor * en * ek * oh * fo * bee * a): the irrational fear men have of others hearing them tinkle into the potty. Because of this, they repeatedly flush the toilet to mask the sound. Also see Obsessive Compulsive. For example: "Hmmm Hmm Hmm." Zzzzip. "Hmm. Hmm." Dribble-dribble FLUSHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh dribble dribble "Oh my god!" FLUSHHHHHHHHhhhhhhh.....

Mac Attack (Mak * Uh * Tak): The inevitable statement "Now come on, I've heard thunder plenty of times without one drop of rain falling," given upon hearing Stevie Nicks sing the refrain from "Dreams."

Every owner of a Chinese restaurant in America has a relative who owns a factory in China which makes duck sauce, hot mustard and small envelopes of some viscous black liquid. That has to be it. They certainly don't put that crap in every take-out bag because people ask for them. "Oh, please. My trash is so empty at home. Could I have extra viscous liquid this time?"

"Life is too short not to have fun. And candy is a big part of that." - Janet Keohane.

I have this habit of trying to 'trick' vending machines. If I have to put 90 cents in for something, I won't just put quarter, quarter, quarter, dime, nickel. It's expecting that. I might put in a quarter, then another quarter to build up a false comfort level. Then 'wham!' a nickel. It doesn't know what to expect. Does this human have all nickels left? Dime. What? What's going on - Clink: a quarter. No! Infidel human!!!

From Al Faul: Why don't we ever hear from gruntled employees?

Sportsformation (spoor * ts4 * may * shun): the strange phenomenon responsible for any section of the newspaper left in a men's room stall to change into a sports section. 

Here's something fun to do pretty much anywhere public where there are doors and hallways: stand at the end of the hallway holding the door open. When someone at the far end comes around the corner, look as if you've just walked down the same hall and are only now going through the door. Look behind you at the person and, with an impatient glare, hold open the door while they approach. They'll start walking faster, feeling bad they're making you wait. When they've crossed half way, start saying things like "Come on.... Come on. I haven't got all day!" Start bouncing on the balls of your feet. The person will be almost running to get to the door. Just before they reach you, let go of the door and turn around. Mumble something like "The hell with you."

The other day my 6-year old said something quite profound. We were in the supermarket and he pointed to the opaque white bottle of milk (Hood) and said, "Why is that bottle different?" I explained that Hood designed the "light blocker" bottle to keep sunlight from breaking down the vitamins, etc., in the milk (personally I hate these bottles because you never know at a glance how much milk is left). He thought about this for a moment then said, "But the sun doesn't shine in the refrigerator." Unless Hood has solved the age-old question of whether the light stays on when the door is closed, Andrew has a point.

 I unscrewed a Diet Coke cap and looked underneath to see if I won their contest. It said "Please Try Again." So, I screwed the cap back on, waited a second, then unscrewed it and looked under the cap. It said, "Please Try Again." After doing this eleven times I just gave up.

 There's a particularly nasty genus of horse fly that is slowly making its way to the Northeast. This bugger is both smart and quick. It flies around your head, too quickly for you to hit it. It lands on you, jumps off, over and over while you flail like a lunatic. At last, you knock yourself unconscious. The insect then lands on you and does whatever it is that horse flies do.

"Thank you for coming to see us, Miss Smith. Everyone who has spoken with you is very impressed."

 There's been talk that Puerto Rico may be brought in as an official member of the United Sates. That would make 51 states in the Union. I really hope this goes through, then all we'll need is one more and I'll no longer get the number of states mixed up with the number of playing cards in a deck. Life would be a lot simpler.

 At what point did every author decide to use "lighted" instead of "lit" when describing light fixtures? This is a fairly recent phenomenon. People used to say, "The streets were lit with the glow of street lamps" or "She lit a cigarette and moved slowly....". Now, when I read anything like this, I mentally stumble across this new "grammatically appropriate" word. "The streets were lighted with the glow of street lamps" and "She lighted a cigarette yadeyadeya." Sure, it may be correct, but I don't think it sounds as smooth. I just want to know how it happened! Did someone find a genie and say, "For my last wish, make the word 'lit' 'lighted' throughout all of literature!"? Somehow, it was done.

 We always remember the firsts in life. For instance, I can still remember sitting in the Burlington Cinemas (the old, gum-stained one) with Kevin watching a Jimmy Fund commercial on the screen. I thought, "Now here's a good way to advertise yourself!" I had no idea what was coming. When the commercial was almost over, a gang of stern-faced ticket-takers began walking slowly up the aisle with a tall, cylindrical object. The voice-over on the commercial bellowed "Give Deeply, Give Generously, Give NOOOWWW!" Along with everyone else in the theater, I panicked, fumbling for whatever I could reach in my pockets while at the same time trying not to spill my popcorn and soda and M&Ms and Twizzlers. I just made it as the leering usher shoved the donation can in my face. I had to walk home that night, since I accidentally donated my car keys.

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