Treatment Sample

What follows is a transcript of actual comments on a treatment that was submited for me to read. The name of the author has been removed, of course, but remember that their material is still under copyright. Any character references have also been altered.

Comments By Eric Player

Why does she want to become governor? (Something more dramatic than just "money and power.") What does she hope to accomplish? What does she have to gain? What does she have to lose? Who else gets rewarded if she succeeds? Who else gets hurt? Who else loses out if she doesn't win? Who wins if she fails?

Should be mentioned in the treatment:

President-to-be of what? Don't say "The Reader" or "supposedly," only describe things as they happen. You want to focus from start to finish (synopsis to screenplay) on the fact that you are SHOWING this, not telling. Novels tell, Screenplays SHOW.

Questions:

(1) What does Marci's past as a prostitute have to do with what is happening NOW? In any case, that bit of background is useful for a character sketch and might fit into the screenplay, but generally should not be in the synopsis or the treatment.

(2) How can Harry Beaton still have a house for his friends to meet in if everyone thinks he's dead?

(3) "Going to make Suzy's life a living hell . . ." Again, what is at stake here? Just petty family business? Who cares? What does it mean to Harry or anyone if Suzy wins or loses the governor's race? You've hinted at her politics, but how does she plan to enforce them? Military coup? Murdering her cabinet? What? For example: In The Mask of Zorro, Antonio Banderas wants to avenge his brother's death, but that isn't all there is to it. He needs to stop Don Raphael not only to avenge his brother, but also to save a thousand workers and prevent Mexico from losing California. That makes it interesting.

(4) "It isn't long before the FBI's men come and arrest her. In the middle of the court, Suzy is excused: Harry drops the charges against her, out of consideration for Suzy's son, but goes public with what happened and runs for governor instead of his sister, just as he did four years ago."

Is this the end? You had a great buildup, with the two of them at odds over whether Harry will try to ruin Suzy. She resists, he sends the FBI after her (personally, I wouldn't involve them), they go to court, AND . . . he basically says "Nevermind. I had a change of heart." You can't DO that! As Kathy Bates said in Misery: "It's not fair!" Any audience anywhere in the world will come to hunt you down and string you up by your toenails and make you sing "Oh Canada!" backwards in Russian for letting them down like that. The conflict must play out.

Story Suggestions:

If Harry really does have a change of heart, let us see that. Something like this: Have Harry take over the governor's race as soon as Suzy is in jail. When he is on the verge of victory, have him still feeling frustrated, unfulfilled, and bitter. Then, on the day of Suzy's sentencing, have him take a walk. When Harry is on the street, he sees a homeless boy without any shoes selling candy from an oil drum. He realizes this is the kind of desperate life Suzy's son Carl will be forced to lead if he goes through with his scheme. He runs to the courthouse and drops the charges, and that's the end.

To make it work you'd have to establish from the beginning that Carl is the only member of the family that Harry likes. And Harry can't just ruin Suzy's reputation anyway, after he drops the charges. If he changes his mind he changes it, with no going back. Otherwise, he shouldn't turn around at all; he should just nail Suzy, her son, and the taxi they took home.

The conflict still needs something else behind it, too. To make his run for governor meaningful. Like: if she wins, she's hired Doctor Frankenstein to re-animate Hitler and the two of them are going to get married and burn the entire Swiss Alps to the ground. If Harry wins, there will be peace in Kosovo, The Second Coming will be ushered in, and the Zendelphians from Planet X2356 will land in Times Square bringing peace, joy, and a unilateral cure for baldness.

Anyway, that's how I see the structure of the story. Just some first impressions on those types of situations. I went a little overboard on the illustrations, but I like it. It's a great idea.

Get the picture? Now, if you are still interested in obtaining my services:

Send questions or comments to playerpage.geo@yahoo.com

Complete services description

Resume of experience

Services contract

This page hosted by Get your own Free Home Page