THE END
We are in a dark and spooky room. Dressed in overcoats and business attire is SCULDER and MULLY. The main source of light comes from flashlights held by the FBI agents. SCULDER is the male U.F.O nut with a good dose of 5 o’clock shadow. MULLY is actually one of the male cast members dressed up like a female skeptic. This is obviously a very poorly done parody of the “X-Files”.
MULLY: What’s in the “Y” Files today, agent Sculder?
SCULDER: Well, Mully, we’re here in Olympia Washington to investigate a mysterious substance coming from this place called the Greenery. It is said to have mystical powers and is of an unknown origin.
MULLY: It sure sounds spooky. But I’m sure that there is a logical, scientific explanation for all of this.
SCULDER: The only rational explanation is that this substance is the Blob from the planet Neptune.
CAST MEMBER: (from off-camera) Stop! I can’t take this anymore (bursts on-camera, he is dressed casually)
DIRECTOR: (from off-camera) What are you doing?
MULLY: What? Did I miss a line.
DIRECTOR: No, you were fine. (to cast member) What’s going on here?
CAST MEMBER: I can’t let this travesty continue.
SCULDER: What travesty?
CAST MEMBER: This whole sketch. The “y” files. Sculder and Mully. A scary food in the school cafeteria. The whole thing is so . . . junior high. It isn’t even vaguely funny. It’s sub-basement Wierd Al.
DIRECTOR: Hey! I wrote that.
CAST MEMBER: Have you ever seen the X Files?
DIRECTOR: A couple of times.
CAST MEMBER: I’ve only seen it once, and I can tell you this is nothing like the X-Files.
DIRECTOR: I’m sorry, we just don’t have the money for costumes or effects or none that. We just can’t to do an exact copy like Saturday Night Live can.
CAST MEMBER: See, that’s one of our problems. We should not look up to Satuday Night Live. I would embarassed to do a show that bad.
SCULDER: I think it’s funny.
CAST MEMBER: If we don’t have the techincal ability to do a satire or a parody then let’s not do one, for heaven’s sake.
MULLY: We have to do something. Today. We’re contracted to do at least half an hour. We don’t have anything else to do.
CAST MEMBER: Don’t even talk to me. Sure maybe Monty Python - or Kids in the Hall can get away with it. But I think it’s insulted when we have to dress up like women. I think it’s insulting when people go in blackface or when a hearing person plays someone deaf or - or blind. I hate it on 90210 where all these twenty-five year olds are supposed to be going to high school. I hate high school plays we’re sixteen-year-olds are supposed to be in middle age. I don’t like it when thin people pretend to be fat - it’s hard enough for fat people to get jobs in Hollywood without thin people taking the big roles too. People in fake wrinkles and old-age make-up bug me. I’m even insulted when Eddie Murphy pretends to be white. I don’t even like people acting with toupees.
DIRECTOR: What? So everyone’s only supposed to play who theu look like? Whatever happened to versatility?
CAST MEMBER: Well, you know I respect people like Dustin Hoffman or Tracey Ullman or Meryl Streep. People who can play a wide diversity of roles are very impressive - but it’s never 100% believable, you always know it’s them. I think thanks to film and TV that this kind of theatrical versatility is sort of a dying art. I like people like Clint Eastwood or Woody Allen or Dabney Coleman. People who play only one character and play it well. Why don’t we just get a woman to play the role?
MULLY: That’d be fine with me. (tosses off wig and sits down somewhere.)
DIRECTOR: Look we couldn’t get any women to work for us.
CAST MEMBER: Then we shouldn’t’ve wtritten any female roles.
SCULDER: What do you suggest we do now? We have to get something in the can today or we’re not going to get any credit.
THE BLOB (comming out of hiding from under a table - he is dressed up rather fakily like some sort of monster) Did I miss my cue? Did we cut? What’s going on?
DIRECTOR: It’s not your fault, Bob. Take five.
THE BLOB: Thanks. (walks off camera)
CAST MEMBER: It’s my fault, I know. I’m sorry. I thought I could handle it. But this whole show is so stupid and amateurish and juvenile. I’m not a perfectionist, but when I’m doing comedy - I assume that ithis was supposed to be comedy - I want at least one of the jokes to be funny. I just hope that no one I know ever sees this.
DIRECTOR: C’mere (CAST MEMBER walks up to the camera untill all you can see is a close-up of shoulder covering half the screen) No one will see this show. No one in their right mind watches some home-made public acsess college show. You have nothing to be embarassed about. The only people who watch this are close personal friends of the cast and crew. And they only watch it because we make them watch it. We are not here to create art - we’re just wasting our time and college credit.
CAST MEMBER: I guess you’re right. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be so uptight.
DIRECTOR: (loudly) O.K. Places everybody. Alright. Quiet on the set. Take two. Lights - camera - action.
-CUT-
THE END
© 1997 mcramahamasham@hotmail.com
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