Genocide

<br>1. IN the beginning . . . well, actually for time to theoretically exist it must extend infinitely, thus having no beginning and no end.

<br>2. Any way, a long time ago, there was this being called BOB.

<br>3. And BOB, for reasons unknown (some suspect that it was a Physics project) set out to create the universe.

<br>4. On the first day BOB created the heavens and the earth, and they were without form, and BOB looked at them and saw that they were not good.

<br>5. So BOB crumbled them up and threw them away.

<br>6. On the second day BOB started all over again creating the heavens and the earth, and even thought they still weren't all that good, but they were better than yesterday's and so he kept them.

<br>7. On the third day BOB created the light, the dark, and the flormt. And BOB realized that three might be a little too many things for the under-advanced creatures he was about to create. He thought about them trying to create a three-way light switch and he laughed. And so BOB destroyed the flormt and he saw that it was good.

<br>8. On the fourth day BOB watched The Simpsons and he didn't work on the Universe at all.

<br>9. On the fifth day BOB created Fire, Water, Air, and George Burns. And he saw that these things were eternal and that no matter how hard he tried he could not get rid of them, so BOB said that it was good enough.

<br>10. On the sixth day BOB created plants. How exciting!

<br>11. On the seventh day BOB rushed to get everything done, and so he created gnus, platypuses, hippopotami, jellyfish, plankton, kangaroos, and two really ugly things that called themselves Atom and Evil.

<br>1. AND BOB called Atom and Evil humans. And the humans were the only animals that opted for the pain, boredom, frustration, anguish, and questioning of knowing that they existed. That is why BOB first started calling Atom and Evil his worst mistakes,

<br>2. And so to punish Atom and Evil he gave them the commandment never to eat from the prune tree.

<br>3. And at first Atom and Evil didn't mind, but eventually they started having "irregular bowel movements."

<br>4. And no matter what they tried nothing would make the humans feel any better.

<br>5. So finally Evil took the first bite of the prune and she instantly became a woman.

<br>6. And Atom, who was none too bright, didn't notice what happened to Evil, and also partook of the prune fruit. And because Atom ate it second, BOB turned him into a man.

<br>7. And then the two of them realized that, aside from either a fig leaf that always somehow followed them around or occasionally a floating loincloth, that they were stark raving naked.

<br>8. And the two of them copulated far into the night.

<br>9. And in the morning BOB came down on earth and saw the two of them lying down and smoking a cigarette.

<br>10. And BOB said, "What the hell are you two doing now?"

<br>11. And Atom, who I may have mentioned is none too bright, said, "We ate the prunes and it corrected our bowel movements and then we had sex."

<br>12. And then Evil said, "Yes but I didn't eat the prune first."

<br>13. And then BOB said, "For this horrible crime I will curse the earth with Yoko Ono and AIDS and Three's Company and seven year old rapists and old smelly dog poop and Republicans and Nazis and Gary Puckett & the Union Gap.

<br>14. And Atom and Evil were just thankful that BOB didn't kill them.

<br>1. AND it came to pass that Atom and Evil begat a son and his name was (Michael) Caine. And Caine had a brother and his name was Table.

<br>2. And Satan came to Caine and said, "Why art thou working and toiling in this field?"

<br>3. And Caine, not being the intelligent type, said, "I dunno. Why art I working and toiling in this field?"

<br>4. And Satan asked, "Dost thou partaketh of the fruit that groweth of the field?" To which Caine replied, "What are you talking about?"

<br>5. "Do you get to eat whatever you grow?"

<br>6. "Yep."

<br>7. "O.K. That didn't work. Um . . . do you get paid for your work?"

<br>8. "I dunno. They keep giving me this green paper with a bunch of numbers and picture of some guy in a wig to me. I eat the little papers, but they cause me to have severe cavities."

<br>10. "You know what they say, 'Money is the root canal of all evil.' Which reminds me, Do you have dental plan?"

<br>11. "Caine have no dental plan. Should I start a Union and strike?"

<br>12. "No. You should kill your brother, Table."

<br>13. "O.K. whatever." So Caine killed his brother. Later that night, A Current Affair had a segment on him called "Brotherly Love goes Awry." Caine gave a short interview from his San Quenitn jail cell.

<br>14. Satan was not available for any comments on the matter.

<br>1. IN the thirteenth year of the reign of Schneringer over the empire of the Arvadites, there was a king in the Land of Bubble named Tramodadondon

<br>2. His friends called him Don for short.

<br>3. Don mistakenly thought that he had heard the voice of BOB come to him in a phonograph.

<br>4. He bought himself four thousand and thirty hundred and fifty and seven slaves so that he could build a "Stairway to Heaven."

<br>5. Don was major dweeb.

<br>6. For when the Tower of Bubble had reached the height of Forty thousand cubits, the people of the land started receiving radio transmissions from Texas.

<br>7. And the country music confounded their languages so that there were pronouns, prepositions, adverbial clauses, dangling participles and the subjunctive mood to worry about.

<br>8. In retaliation, the people of the Land of Bubble (the Bubblites), burned off Don's genitals with a torch.

<p><center>Chapter 5 </center>

<br>2. And Phineas begat Ahamaz, and Ahamaz begat Ibushua, and Ibushua begat Aratuk, and Aratuk begat Habib.

<br>3. And Habib begat Hillchia, and Hillchia begat Phineas, and Phineas begat Fred, and Fred begat Pebbles, and Pebbles begat Simious, and Simious begat Some Guy.

<br>4. And Some Guy begat His Son, and His Son begat Chara-Phleghm, and Chara-Phleghm begat Farrahlolimonsrtogast- ihefnatorrem, and Farrahlolimonsrt- ogastihefnatorrem begat NoWay.

<br>5. And NoWay was a young man of three hundred and thirty and six years when the voice of BOB told him to build an Ark.

<br>6. And NoWay's first response was, "What the hell is an Ark?"

<br>7. To which BOB responded, "An Ark is sort of like a boat only has one of those, um . . . you know, and it has more . . . of those . . . uh . . . Oh, just build a boat."

<br>8. NoWay asked, "How big shall I make it?" hoping that it would only be a small toy for BOB to play with in the bathtub.

<br>9. And BOB said, "Thou shalt make it very large, for I already have a rubber ducky with which to play in the bathtub."

<br>10. "How large, exactly, is 'very large' my lord?"

<br>11. " Thirty thousand cubits, by forty hundred cubits, by three and three eighths cubits."

<br>12. "Woa! That's a very large boat!"

<br>13. And so NoWay built the boat, and then christened the vessel "Monkey Business"

<br>14. And the voice of BOB came again unto NoWay saying, "Thou shalt now gather up three of every living thing, of every fish and every fowl and every thing that creepeth upon the earth and everything that cheweth their own cud and then mooeth.

<br>15. And ye shall gather three of these, one male, one female, and one future cruise cuisine."

<br>16. And NoWay said, "How shalt I tell apart the male and female mosquito?"

<br>17. And BOB said, "Just do it, you pinhead!!! Don't bother me with trivialities!!!!"

<br>2. Then NoWay placed the animals onto the boat from which point on the boat stank like hell.

<br>3. And NoWay's neighbor's started complaining and the had NoWay thrown into jail for disturbing the peace.

<br>4. And so NoWay and his family moved to another community to the east, where the locals took his wife and three daughters and burned them for being witches.

<br>5. And NoWay was fired from his job because he stanketh a great stench. Yea even an odor so unbobly that he had to move into a leper colony.

<br>6. And forty-seven years passed when NoWay finally prayed unto BOB saying, "I have built the boat as thou hast asked. Yea, even I have gathered the animals of every kind as thou hast asked. Now may I ask something, O BOB, why did I do all of this?"

<br>7. And BOB replied saying, "I can't believe you actually did that! Man, you are so gullible. What a joke!"

<br>8. So NoWay lit the boat on fire and then hanged himself.

<br>1. AND it came to pass that there was a man named Jonias.

<br>2. And Jonias had no son (for he wert a homosexual)

<br>3. And Jonias prayed unto BOB, saying, "Send me a son for thy faithful and obedient servant is lonely and has no heir and no to wash the dishes."

<br>4. And BOB said, "Get thee a wife and then shall I give thee a ray of son-shine" (BOB is quite a punster if I may say so myself).

<br>5. And the next day Jonias cried unto BOB holding aloft (and maybe even brandishing) a butter knife, and he said, "I have followed thy command and got a knife. Shall I now have still now son."

<br>6. And BOB, being the generous guy that he is, caused Jonias to give birth to twin sons . . . after about thirty hours of labour and a swift cut from the surgeon's knife.

<br>7. And Jonias thanked BOB for this wonderful and miraculous blessing in a long and tedious prayer that is not printed here.

<br>8. And BOB took pity on Jonias, who was obviously a raving lunatic, and struck him with a lightening bolt.

<br>1. MEANWHILE, back on the ranch, Abe "The Profit" Raham was in his twilight years, being 936 years old. When, his 32nd wife, Sarieninaihah (who was only thirteen) gave birth to Abe's first child.

<br>2. And they named the child Immsik, because that is exactly what his mother said when she found out that she was pregnant. (I'm sick!)

<br>3. And Immsik grew up to be a bright young boy in the eyes of BOB, until one day . . .

<br>5. And Abe said, "Art thou just pulling my leg, like thou didst to poor NoWay?"

<br>6. And suddenly a bolt of lightening hit the ground between Abe's feet.

<br>7. And Abe called for his son, Immsik.

<br>8. And Abe said unto Immsik, "Why don't we travel to that uninhabited mountain thirty-seven miles yonder and whip us up a batch of scrambled eggs."

<br>9. And Immsik, who was a bright young boy in the eyes of BOB, said, "Thou must be mad old man!"

<br>10. And so Immsik bound his son with ropes and strong chord and gagged him and dragged him all the way to Mount Cyanide on a camel.

<br>11. And Immsik was scared, for he knew the mind of BOB and it had a sick sense of humor.

<br>12. Abe dragged Immsik to the top of the mountain when finally Abe's senses caught up to him (they didn't have a camel to ride on)

<br>14. And BOB said, "That's O.K. Just make sure the cadaver is nice and frothy before you're done with it."

<br>1. AND there was once a man in the Boblands whose name was Samsonite, for he was named after his parent's luggage.

<br>2. And Samsonite was a Deadhead, and he followed the Grateful Dead everywhere on tour (yeah they were touring even back then).

<br>3. And Samsonite had never cut his hair (or shaved his face or taken a shower or washed his clothes or changed his underwear) and Samsonite thought that this had given him incredible strength.

<br>4. And Samsonite knew that he could never cut his hair or he would lose his strength. He could, however wear a black Greek fisherman's hat, which he did a lot.

<br>5. Anyway, Samsonite drove into Mesopotamia in his VW Bug Van when he nearly ran over this young yuppie female lawyer, named Gretchen (it sounds better than Delilah to me)

<br>6. So Gretchen then sued Samsonite, who unfortunately had fallen in love with her.

<br>7. And the week after the trial, after Samsonite had lost most of his possessions in order to pay the fine was accidently shot to death by the police while he was breaking into Gretchen's condo.

<br>8. And the coroner, who was Gretchen's brother-in-law, shaved Samsonite's head just out spite.

<br>9. The moral of this story is that dental hygiene is very important. You should see your dentist at least twice a year.

<br>1. A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away . . .

<br>2. Just kidding.

<br>3. Anyway, there were these three guys and their names were Shamrock, Misha, & Indigo.

<br>4. And the king, who reigned in the land, Nucleargeezer, sent forth proclamation declaring that every forty seven minutes all the subjects of the land must genuflect and grovel to the black velvet painting of Elvis that really cries.

<br>5. And SM&I would not bow down to the black velvet painting of Elvis that really cries because they had back problems.

<br>6. And Nucleargeezer was very wroth at the three of them and he said to his servant, "Bind them to tiny European bicycle seats and force them to watch Three's Company."

<br>7. And SM&I were sore afraid and they did weep.

<br>8. But Nucleargeezer changed his mind before the servant could get around to doing anything about it.

<br>9. So they all lived happily ever after.

<br>1. ONCE upon a time, there was a man named Joshua, and for some reason he wanted to destroy the city of Jericho.

<br>2. So Joshua prayed unto BOB asking him how he could most easily do this.

<br>3. And BOB asked him why.

<br>4. And Joshua told BOB that it was none of his business why he wanted to destroy Jericho.

<br>5. And so BOB told Joshua that the easiest way to destroy the city is to march around the town for three and a half hours with his ghetto blaster blaring, "Inna Gadda Davita" by Iron Butterfly at 11:00. p.m.

<br>6. The first three times that Joshua tried this he was arrested by the Jericho Police.

<br>7. The fourth time Joshua tried this he collapsed from nausea at having to hear that song one more time.

<br>8. But like they say, fifth time's a charm. And the walls of Jericho came a-tumblin' down, crushing Joshua to death.

<br>9. Which is what you get for telling BOB that something isn't any of his business.