The Commandments

<br>2. Thou shalt not covet any graven images . . . something like that anyway.

<br>3. Thou shalt not take the name BOB in vain. Unbelievers will either laugh inconsiderately at you, or they will stare blankly at you.

<br>4. Thou shalt not think that Garfield is funny.

<br>5. Thou shalt not expose your genitalia to your high school administration on the third Thursday of the month.

<br>6. Thou shalt not pay much for a muffler at Meineke.

<br>7. Thou shalt not set flags of Greenland on fire, they are very rare and valuable.

<br>8. Thou shalt not do your younger sister's math homework.

<br>9. Thou shalt not watch Claude Van Damme movies.

<br>10. Thou shalt not eat papaya in the dark during the winter months with a group of seventeen midget monks.

<br>11. Thou shalt not do satire.

<br>12. Thou shalt not yell the word "not" at the end of the sentence where it doesn't grammatically belong.

<br>13. Thou shalt not send 3,330,000 volts of electricity into your grandmother's body, for she may disinherit you.

<br>14. Thou shalt not listen to albums by Gem or Barbie and The Rockers.

<br>15. Thou shalt not commit suicide, or else BOB will have to kill you.

<br>16. Thou shalt not rap.

<br>18. Thou shalt not in any way support Tom Cruise.

<br>19. Thou shalt not read Andy Rooney for he is a KKK member.

<br>20. Thou shalt not videotape hippopotami mating, for that is not only disgusting and pathetic but it is also dangerous.

<br>21. Thou shalt not make love whilst listening to Yoko Ono albums.

<br>22. Thou shalt not vote for Sonny Bono.

<br>23. Thou shalt not marry Elizabeth Taylor.

<br>24. Thou shalt not recite shampoo ingredients at three in the morning in Cleveland unless you are accompanied by a troll named Al.

<br>25. Thou shalt not at anytime play the bagpipes.

<br>26. Thou shalt not try to be cute by dotting your i's and j's with little hearts.

<br>27. Thou shalt not call anyone "Sugarbums."

<br>28. Thou shalt not have elective surgery of any kind, because it is vein.

<br>29. Thou shalt not try any of this at home. We are trained professionals.

<br>30. Thou shalt not swallow your bubblegum.

<br>31. Thou shalt not stick thy genitals into a light socket.

<br>32. Thou shalt not tug on Superman's cape.

<br>33. Thou shalt not spit in the wind.

<br>34. Thou shalt not pull the mask on that old Lone Ranger.

<br>35. Thou shalt not mess around with BOB.

<br>36. Thou shalt not try to rhyme rutabaga with studabaker in a poem, unless thou art willing to face the consequences of your stupid and thoughtless actions.

<br>37. Thou shalt not consume more than twenty-seven twinkies in less than half an hour (for your own protection).

<br>38. Thou shalt not travel over Mach 10 in a 35 MPH zone, there will almost always be a cop waiting.

<br>39. Thou shalt not get excited about the Olympics.

<br>40. Thou shalt not have school spirit.

<br>41. Thou shalt not be an extra in "Police Academy 8: The Same Old Jokes Again!"

<br>42. Thou shalt not set your neighbor's plastic pink flamingos on fire, thou would probably get sued thou dost that.

<br>43. Thou shalt not eat tofu on Fridays in order to show your respect to BOB, and also because it tastes nasty, Friday or not.

<br>44. Thou shalt not transform the entire population of New York City into eggplants.

<br>45. Thou shalt not say p'sketti instead of spaghetti.

<br>46. Thou shalt not take my Kodachrome away.

<br>47. Thou shalt not divide by zero.

<br>48. Thou shalt not in any way understand Finnegan's Wake by James Joyce.

<br>49. Thou shalt not own any "My other car is a . . . " bumperstickers.

<br>50. Thou shalt not like Garth Brooks just because all of your other friends do.

<br>51. Thou shalt not live in Taos, New Mexico, voluntarily.

<br>52. Thou shalt not remember where you left the car keys.

<br>53. Thou shalt not name your cat Tiger. It is too cliched.

<br>54. Thou shalt not drown your goldfish, O.K.?

<br>55. Thou shalt not write an opera posthumously unless your name is Punjabi Mezzlecrik, Jr.

<br>56. Thou shalt not follow stupid meaningless rules.

<br>57. Thou shalt not attack a tribe of sleeping headhunters singlehandedly and unarmed.

<br>58. Thou shalt not bring up your Pac-Man scores in casual conversation.

<br>59. Thou shalt not stick Parchessi pieces up your nose and then run around your house yelling, "I am a watermelon! I am a watermelon!"

<br>60. Thou shalt not accidentally open the lion's cage at the zoo and then forget to tell anyone.

<br>61. Thou shalt not fill your bathtub with pistachio pudding and then try to drown your cat in it.

<br>62. Thou shalt not send large sums of money to people you don't know in Beverly Hills who say that they can make you a millionaire overnight.

<br>63. Thou shalt not speak without first raising thy hand.

<br>64. Thou shalt not commit adulthood.

<br>65. Thou shalt not step on my blue suede shoes

<br>66. Thou shalt not infringe on other people's copyrights without express written permission.

<br>67. Thou shalt not hate thy neighbor as thyself, unless of course your neighbor borrows your lawnmower, and doesn't return it for three months. And during this time he breaks it and yet does not tell you when he does eventually return it. The thou shalt hate thy neighbor even as thou hate your spouse.

<br>68. Thou shalt not stick dog doo in between your younger brother's toes while he is sleeping.

<br>70. Thou shalt not risk more then $13.42 on Wall Street or Vegas.

<br>71. Thou shalt not do anything anyone tells you to, unless of course you want to.

<br>72. Thou shalt not purchase any calculators that are any more than three times smarter than yourself.

<br>73. Thou shalt not shave thy head, grease thy naked body, place a rubber glove over thy scalp, and then slide around the linoleum floors yelling, "I am an octopus. Love me."

<br>74. Thou shalt not turn left on red at Kipling and Ralston.

<br>75. Thou shalt not censor the EastEnd.

<br>76. Thou shalt not forget to lift the seat at home.

<br>77. Thou shalt not wear bell-bottom jeans and butterfly collars unless specifically instructed to do so.

<br>78. Thou shalt not burn thy lawn.

<br>79. Thou shalt not work at Taco Bell in August if thy middle name begins with the letters Q-X.

<br>80. Thou shalt not be redundant.

<br>81. Thou shalt not be redundant.

<br>82. Thou shalt not partake of thy father's black shoe polish orally.

<br>83. Thou shalt not wade through six feet of tiger blood in boxer shorts without first gaining written permission from the Pope.

<br>84. Thou shalt not lip-sync.

<br>85. Thou shalt not repeatedly drive a dumb joke into the ground until everyone around you wishes you to be dead.

<br>86. Thou shalt not start every sentence with the same three words.

<br>87. Thou shalt not eat raw fish . . . it leads to singing at Karaoke Bars.

<br>88. Thou shalt not multiply two cubed with eleven.

<br>89. Thou shalt not run by the pool.

<br>90. Thou shalt not do what you want to do.

<br>91. Thou shalt just not, O.K.?