<br>2. And Job was a straightforward and righteous man in the sight of BOB, even though he had a bit of trouble with the 81st and 82nd commandments.

<br>3. And Satan came unto BOB saying, "I bet you that I can get Job to curse your name."

<br>4. And then BOB said, "Yeah, I bet you probably can."

<br>5. And Satan said, "Don't you want to bet me on this one?"

<br>6. And BOB said, "Why the hell (pun intended) should I bet with you? I already own the universe and I could create another one if I had to."

<br>7. "Well, watch me make Job curse your name anyway."

<br>8. "O.K."

<br><br>1. AND it came to pass that Satan tested Job through many sore and trying physical afflictions.

<br>2. And Satan caused Job to have hemorrhoids on his fore head, and Job did itch under his fingernails and deep in his colon.

<br>3. And Job had a constant stream of pus running from his ears, and Job's eyeballs got stuck in the back of his head, so that all he could see was the inside of his skull.

<br>4. And Job had paper cuts where men usually don't have paper cuts.

<br>5. And still Job loved his BOB and prayed to him every night.

<br>6. So Satan tested Job with attacks of every kind.

<br>7. Job's two year old son lodged a pencil so far up Job's nose that there were none who could find it.

<br>8. And Job was bitten by a piranha that some how got itself into Job's toilet bowl.

<br>9. And a stray cannonball from a distant siege caved in Job's shoulder blade.

<br>10. And Job's best friend accidentally rammed a totem pole into his chest.

<br>11. And indeed, thirteen times in less than seven hours did wasps' nest fall on Job's head.

<br>12. And still Job would not curse BOB.

<br><br>1. AND Satan tried to worry and stress Job to death.

<br>2. First he caused the lady that Job used to baby-sit his kids to tattoo a swastika on her forehead.

<br>3. Then he caused Job's brakes to momentarily fail. Yea, and he caused that Job's seatbelt was cut in twain.

<br>4. And Job's favorite TV show (The Simpsons) was threatened with cancellation.

<br>5. And then Job learned that seven of his ex-girlfriends had just come down with a deadly sexually transmitted disease. And Job was being audited by the IRS.

<br>6. And what fretted Job most was that Dan Quayle was made vice-president under the king in the land, who alas had unsteady health.

<br>7. And still Job would not curse BOB.

<br>8. And then Satan tried to embarrass Job into quitting Bobism all together.

<br>9. And first Job grew a rather attractive pair of women's breasts.

<br>10. And then Job skin slowly turned into the color of split pea soup, so that none of his clothes matched anymore.

<br>11. And Job became uncontrollably hyper-flatulent.

<br>12. And Job, instead of trees, was suddenly every dog's best friend, so as Job stanketh a great stench even unto the stench of NoWay's ark.

<br>13. And it was rumored (untruthfully) that Job liked country music, and so even his closest friends started avoiding him.

<br>14. And still Job loved BOB even though he was no longer allowed in the churches.

<br>1. AND again Satan tried testing Job, this time with mental torture.

<br>2. And first Job started seeing Elvis in everything that he looked at. And Job could no longer do his job because all of the little numbers and letters looked like fat sneering sideburned faces.

<br>3. And Job became a split personality, and one of his selves was a prostitute, and another one was Hitler.

<br>4. Job forget all of his multiplication tables.

<br>5. And yet Job would not be swayed.

<br>6. And finally Satan played his trump card, forcing Job to watch not only all of the episodes of Three's Company, but also all of the episodes of the short lived spin-off series (about what happened to Jack Tripper after he got married, co-starring William Aames and Gordon Jump) called Two's A Crowd.

<br>7. And then Job said unto BOB, "You fucking shit head!!! How could you let that happen to me? I spit on thee."

<br>8. And suddenly a lightening bolt came out of the clear blue sky, killing Job instantly.

<br>1. AND several years later than came a man out of land of Bloohemia named Flortersch, and he begat a son named Dave.

<br>2. And when Dave was about six, he brought a picnic basket out to his grandmother's house where his country was at war.

<br>3. On his way to grandma's house, Dave encountered a large hairy wolf but the wolf didn't say anything because he was suffering indigestion from eating a woodcutter the night before.

<br>4. But anyway, when Dave got out to the battlefield/grandma's house, he saw a terrible

<br>5. sight, for the other team had a giant man out there challenging any to come and fight him one on one.

<br>6. And the giant's name was Goliath (I couldn't think of anything funnier)

<br>7. Dave being a spritely young chap said, "Let me go out there with no armor and just a slingshot for weaponry and let me face this plate-mailed, speer-wheeling, 7' 10", 530 lbs. grown man in a fair fight."

<br>8. And everyone, thinking that Dave was insane, said, "Sure."

<br>9. And plucky young Dave took a couple of stones, stuck them into his sling, walked up to Goliath, and threw one rock at the giant.

<br>10. The projectile bounced off of Goliath and the man did nothing but laugh.

<br>11. Dave then threw the second and the third rocks, but they were equally ineffective. So Goliath started to advance towards the boy.

<br>12. And Dave, who made up in speed what he lacked in common sense, ran away and was not heard from again in another fourteen years.

<br>1. BUT fourteen years later, Dave did re-emerge and, through not fault of his own, quickly became the successor of the king.

<br>2. So he was hanging out on the roof of his palace when he saw a naked lady bathing in the distance.

<br>3. And her name was Bath-Sheeba, for she liked to bathe frequently.

<br>4. And Dave leaned over to get a closer look and he accidentally slipped, fell off of the palace, and broke his back.

<br>5. Later, in the intensive care ward of the hospital, Dave and Bath-Sheeba got married.

<br>6. And nine months later Bath-Sheeba gave birth to a son whom they named Salamander.

<br>7. And Salamander was a child prodigy just like "Little Man Tate", and so they called him Salamander the Wise.

<br>8. And Salamander, like most princes, inherited his kingdom from his father when his father died.

<br>9. And Salamander was a wise king (they didn't call him "The Wise" for nothing you know) and so he always ended up judging these really weird legal cases.

<br>10. Once there was this woman who hired this hitman to kill the mother of her daughter's closest rival on the cheerleading squad.

<br>11. And Salamander, being so wise, decided to chop the one daughter in two, and whoever gave the better funeral for their half of the daughter, would have to pay a fine of $10,000.00.

<br>12. Salamander may have been wise, but he was also a bit eccentric.

<br>1. AND came to pass that there was this man named Jonah-nah-nah hey jude, or maybe it's just Jonah (no one's quite sure).

<br>2. Well, this Jonah guy had a real active imagination. During his teens and early twenties, Jonah pretended to be a profit of BOB.

<br>3. Then, in his twenty-fourth year, Jonah disappeared for three days.

<br>4. It has been said that he may have been visited a brothel in a neighboring town, or he may have just been wondering about in the woods and then hit his head on branch and just didn't regain consciousness for seventy-eight hours.

<br>5. Either way, when Jonah returned, he started telling this outrageous lie about how BOB had put him in the belly of a whale for three days to punish him for his sins.

<br>6. And somehow, the digestive juices didn't effect him, and then the Whale happened to go up on this very same beach to vomit him up again.

<br>7. Nobody (not even Jonah's mother) believed him, so they locked him up at Mt. Airy psychiatric center.

<br>1. ANOTHER story entirely: there was once this man named Jerry.

<br>2. And Jerry must have got around a lot for he had not one nor two but thirteen sons.

<br>3. And Jerry's kids were named Rueben Sandwich, Is-That-A-Car?, Gag, Nebulon, Ashen, Dad, Napa Valley, Similar, Levi's Jeans, Jew-duh, Benji, Joseth, and Albert.

<br>4. And BOB came unto Jake saying, "Thou hast enough children to be country, but if you want to be your own city-state your going to have to come up with a better name than Jerry."

<br>5. So Jerry renamed himself Izrael.

<br>7. And this ticked off Joseth's dozen brothers, for they were still sporting loincloths.

<br>8. At first they wanted to kill Joseth, who was also having these weird dreams about, midgets dancing and talking backwards.

<br>9. But then they decided the most Capitalist and BOB-like thing to do is to sell their brother to the Japanese, and then tell their father that he died.

<br>10. And that's just what they did.

<br>1. AND so Joseth came to be working for this one man named Hia Kwon Twong.

<br>2. And Hia's wife, Hae Won, was into this interracial thing with trios and other weird stuff.

<br>3. And Joseth didn't want to sleep with Hae Won because he knew that he would probably get fired (also, she was butt ugly).

<br>4. So Hae Won called America's Most Wanted and got Joseth arrested as the Massachusetts Hatchet Lover. The two did bear a striking resemblance.

<br>5. And Joseth found himself in prison, where also was imprisoned a butler and a cook.

<br>6. And word got around the prison that Joseth could interrupt dreams, so the cook, the thief, the wife, and the lover . . . oops, wrong story. The cook and the butler each had a dream. And they wanted Joseth to interrupt it for them.

<br>7. And the cook said unto Joseth, "My dream was thus: I dreamed that three days from now my former employer, the Farrow, forgave me and gave me my job back. What do you think it means?"

<br>8. And Joseth said "I think it means that in three days the Farrow will forgive you and then re-employ you."

<br>9. And then the butler said unto Joseth, "I dreamed that three days from now my former employer, the Farrow, said that he forgave and then he invited me to his pyramid, but when I got there a bunch of tough men grabbed and at the orders of the Farrow, threw me into a pit of ravenous piranhas."

<br>10. And Joseth said, "I think it means that in three days the Farrow will forgive you and then re-employ you."

<br>11. And then three days later both the cook and the butler were invited to the pyramid and were never heard from again.

<br>12. And the prison wardens were so impressed by Joseth's amazing ability to interrupt dreams, that they promoted him from inmate to Police chief.

<br>1. AND it came to pass that several years later, the Farrow (not the same one in Exit This) was having a bad dream.

<br>2. And the Farrow called unto his butler saying, "I have just had a bad dream. Call together all of the smart people in the land and ask them to interrupt for me."

<br>3. And so the butler called up Joseth and asked him to interrupt the Farrow's dream.

<br>4. And Joseth appeared at the pyramid and was immediately ushered into throne room.

<br>5. And Farrow said unto Joseth, "Interrupt this dream if you can. There I am, in my underwear and I'm going to church.

<br>6. And while I am at church, my mother, who has been dead for five years comes up to me and whispers in my ears the words 'blue spaghetti'.

<br>7. Suddenly I am riding this dinosaur and some how I know that I have to get to the K-Mart in 27 minutes.

<br>8. But no matter how hard I try, the dinosaur won't turn right. So in the end I am eating this chocolate bunny and right when I got to the eyes, I woke up. So Joseth what do you think it means?"

<br>9. And Joseth said, "I think it means that it's time for you to forgive your father for running out on your mother when you were just five."

<br>10. And Farrow said, "Oh yes it's true. I'm so sorry daddy. Please forgive me. Mama! Mama!"

<br>11. And then the Farrow fell into Joseth's lap weeping.

<br>12. And so Farrow put Joseth in charge of welfare and foreign aid.

<br>1. NOW in the country/house of Izreal, Joseth's dozen brothers were starving to death because of a famine (well, why did you think that they were starving to death? for fun?)

<br>2. And one of the brothers, I think it was Napa Valley, said, "Why don't we go to Japan and apply for some welfare?"

<br>3. So the next day, they flew to Japan on a camel, and came to Joseth's office.

<br>4. And the brothers recognized not Joseth, for he had grown a beard.

<br>5. And Joseth decided to play a little trick on his siblings, and so he arrested them for insurance, tax, welfare, and Sigmund fraud.

<br>6. While they were in prison that thirteen months, they were all tortured, particularly Benji.

<br>7. And then Joseth released them and they all had a warm, happy reunion. That night during dinner the baker's dozen of them decided to kill their father and then divide the kingdom into twelve equal parts (Albert didn't want to own part of a country, but really wanted to be a street mime.)

<br>8. So Joseth finally got to return to his home, and the brothers even let him stick the first dagger into the body of their father.