The Gospel According to:

St. Bernard

<br>2. Then a ministering archangel, named Mike, came unto Martha saying, "Lo! Woman thou art most blessed above all other babes for thou art great withe BOB's love child."

<br>3. And Martha said but how can this be for I have known no man, least of all BOB?"

<br>4. And Mike said, "Behold, BOB came to you while you were sleeping and then he forgot to use the immaculate contraception. So now thou art blessed."

<br>5. And Martha said, "Blessed my ass! (she was referring to her donkey) Waking up every morning to vomit! Spending hours in labor! All so I can raise some spoiled little brat who thinks he is greatest miracle in the world just because his runaway father, who never helped with feeding or changing the little monster, created the BOB damned universe!!!"

<br>6. And Mike said, "Shut up you bitch! Nine months B.B. is no time to think about getting an abortion, so basically you're stuck, babe."

<br>7. And Martha said, "I suppose that The Almighty BOB wants to name the kid, too."

<br>8. And Mike replied, "But of course." and then he took this long parchment out of his holy robes and read:

<br>9. "And his name shall be called Wunnerful, the anti-school Counselor, The mighty BOB, the everlasting Energizer, the prints of piece."

<br>10. And it seemed to Martha that those words, although they were a crappy name, with a little work, could make great song lyrics.

<br>11. And so Martha said, "What if I just call him BOB Jr.?"

<br>12. And Mike said, "Yeah I guess that'll be alright."

<br>1. AND it came to pass that Martha wed a man by the name Raymond, because she had to marry somebody seeing as she had just been knocked up.

<br>2. And Raymond was a plumber, and when April 14th rolled around, Raymond had still not done his taxes.

<br>3. And it came to pass, that Raymond the plumber, went unto H&R Block, in the town Nazareth, and behold, there was was a multitude outside of the building, and yet Martha was still great with child.

<br>4. But there was no room for them at the tax consultant.

<br>5. And so they pitched a tent outside of the place.

<br>6. And now there were these auto-mechanics, and Lo an angel came unto them and said, "Lo, be thou not afraid. I bring you good tidings of great joy."

<br>7. And the head mechanic said unto the angel that was hovering above him, "Yo, like we ain't afraid of nobody."

<br>8. And then there were this host of angels in the heavens and they were singing, "Purple Haze."

<br>9. And then the angels said unto the auto-mechanics, "Yea, go thee unto the H&R Block next door and under a neon letter B there shall be a tent,and this shall be a sign unto you that in the tent shall there this day be born unto you a holy savior.

<br>10. And then the head mechanic said unto his fellow mechanic, "Let us now depart thence, dudes and see this great miracle come to pass."

<br>11. And when the auto-mechanics came unto the tent they saw a very large Martha screaming like the devil and the saw Raymond unconscious on the floor with a bruise on his head that was about the size and shape of a frying pan.

<br>12. And several days later Martha gave birth to little BOB Jr. and there were halos above their heads and someone painted a picture of it.

<br>1. AND there were these three and a half wise men, from the East (probably New Jersey), and they brought with them gifts of Frankenstein, incest, and peppermints.

<br>2. And they were following a sign from the heavens, namely that neon letter B.

<br>3. And when the wise men finally did come unto Martha and the holy child, and the first wise man said,

<br>4. "Beware the wrath of King Harry, for he has heard that thou shalt give birth to a child that shalt on day be greater than him, and so he is jealous, and wants to kill him, so you better move to Egypt to protect him."

<br>5. And Martha said unto them, "Art thou pulling my leg?"

<br>6. And the third wise man said, "Yep, you're on Totally Hidden Video."

<br>7. And it came to pass that Martha spit on the three and a half wise men.

<br>1. AND it came to pass that several years later, BOB Jr. was visiting the university in Iceland. And he was only five years old.

<br>2. And BOB Jr. confounded all of the professors (for they, like most teachers, are morons) and so they expelled him. But BOB Jr. didn't mind because he wasn't even enrolled in college.

<br>3. And BOB Jr. had no friends as a child for he was too different (students are sometimes stupider than teachers) and at the age of seven BOB Jr. wrote his first suicide note.

<br>4. It was written in crayon on the inside of a shoebox lid and it had a little picture of a tombstone underneath it.

<br>5. But BOB Jr. didn't know how to kill anybody, least of all himself, so nothing came of it.

<br>6. And his mother and step-father never saw the note.

<br>1. WHEN ten years or so had passed, BOB Jr. decided that he wanted to become a martyr when he grew up.

<br>2. And to prepare for his mission he decided to starve himself, alone, in a wilderness.

<br>3. No one was quite sure how watching ants eat more than him would help him any but they let him do it anyway.

<br>4. And BOB Jr. resolved to keep this up for forty days and forty nights (well, could hardly do it for, say, forty days and twenty-eight nights, could he?)

<br>5. And while he was in the wilderness, Satan came unto him and said, "Hey, how's it going?"

<br>6. And BOB Jr. said, "Do you mind?!?!? I'm trying to meditate in solitude here!!"

<br>7. And Satan said, "I'm sorry about this, but I've got a job to do. It's not a bad job. The conditions are terrible and there is next no vacation time, but the pay is pretty good. Anyway, I figured that if I got you to sin it would be a lot easier on me convincing my other clients to do the same."

<br>8. And BOB Jr. said, "I guess you have a point. So what have you got for me?"

<br>9. "I'll give you this Radioactive Man #1, if you'll just give up this ministry right now."

<br>10. "I can't read."

<br>11. "How about a night of total passion alone with Cyndi Crawford?"

<br>12. "A night of total passion? I could eat good pasta and watch the Simpsons any time I felt like it. Besides if Cyndi Crawford was there she would probably expect me to be a good host and entertain her."

<br>13. "What if I offered you everything ever created?"

<br>14. "My father, BOB, already has everything ever created and all it has given him is an ulcer."

<br>15. And so Satan left BOB Jr. alone in the woods, muttering under his breath.

<br>16. And BOB Jr. stayed an extra day in the wilderness (he forgot to bring his watch.)

<br>1. And when BOB Jr. left the forest knew that in order to continue his mission, he would need thirteen dedicated souls to be his disciples. People who could organize his schedule, and take his telephone calls and carry him around and peel his grapes and pay for his hotel rooms.

<br>2. And he also had a pretty scraggly beard at this time.

<br>3. So BOB Jr. wondered about the countryside and he ended up in a YMCA basketball court.

<br>4. And there was a man, named Paul. And he was trying to cut down and steal the basketball net.

<br>5. And BOB Jr. called unto Paul saying, "Cast your net into the sea there are bigger fish to catch so come follow me."

<br>6. And this so frightened Paul that he fell off of his ladder and landed on his head.

<br>7. And from that point on Paul was BOB Jr. most devoted servant.

<br>8. And in similar fashion did BOB Jr. gather all of his disciples, most of them having recently received head wounds also.

<br>9. And their names were Valentine, Patrick, Larry, Darryl, Darryl, Bernard (that's me!), Sleepy, Dopey, Moe, John, Paul, George, and Ringo.

<br>1. AND BOB Jr. walked through the land with us being his roadies and he healed this blind man.

<br>2. Then he healed this lame woman.

<br>3. Then he healed this leper from his runny nose.

<br>4. Then he healed this woman with ingrown toenails.

<br>5. Then he healed this one teenager's case of acne.

<br>6. Then he healed the muffler in this '57 DeSota.

<br>7. Then he healed the Elephant Man.

<br>8. Hell, he just healed a lot of people.

<br>1. And still the Sadducees hated BOB Jr. (for they were "sad you see"? Ha-Ha.) not really they hated him, because like all intellectuals, they were jealous.

<br>2. And they tried to stump BOB Jr. by asking, "Who's face is on this one dollar bill?"

<br>3. And BOB Jr. said, "It's George Washington."

<br>4. And the crowd was amazed, but the Sadducees walked away vowing to get him next time.

<br>5. And BOB Jr. walked out to this mound of dirt and he did stand atop it, and he began to preach.

<br>6. And he said: "Blessed are the cheese makers for theirs is the dairy of heaven.

<br>7. And blessed are the meek for when everyone has either polluted or atom bombed this place into a pile of rubble, and the brave and the wise have moved to some place more hospitable, then shall the meek inherit the Earth.

<br>8. And blessed are they who pick the numbers 2, 4, 5, 11, 17, and 23 in the lotto next week for they shall win $1,000,000.

<br>9. And blessed are they who mourn for they will probably get an inheritance real soon.

<br>10. And blessed are those wearing pacemakers for the cannot ride the rollercoaster.

<br>11. And blessed are they who have a lot of money, for they have a lot of money.

<br>12. And BOB Jr. went on rambling like this for several hours.

<br>1. AND it came to pass that the crowds who had gathered to hear BOB Jr. speak were getting hungry.

<br>2. And BOB Jr. said to his disciples, "What do we have to eat?"

<br>3. And disciples said, "We have but half a stick of chewing gum, some left over tomato soup, a piece of sting, and a small paper clip."

<br>4. And BOB Jr. said, "Well then well just have to make a run for the border."

<br>6. But the cashier guy apparently made a mistake and only charged us $<br>13.42 for the whole thing.

<br>7. And so we all decided that it was a miracle.

<br>1. AND it came to pass that ten leopards came unto BOB Jr. saying, "Heal us."

<br>2. And BOB Jr., being the nice guy that he is did in fact heal them, by commanding them to wash seventeen times in the river Styx.

<br>3. And only one of the leopards came back to thank him.

<br>4. So he turned the other nine into cottage cheese.

<br>5. And there was this wealthy man who came unto BOB Jr. saying, "I have done all that thou hast asked, what more must I do to enter the kingdom of heaven?"

<br>6. And BOB Jr. said, "You must give up all of your worldly possessions and live like a bum and drink large quantities of alcohol that were left unfinished on street corners and you must contract a venereal disease, and just when you're on the point of dying, get all of your money back, take a long hot shower and then die a week later."

<br>7. And the wealthy man said, "Sure, no problem. Maybe I can even sell my life story to Mel Brooks, who could do a commercially unsuccessful movie about it."

<br>8. And BOB Jr. turned to his disciples and said, "It is easier to get a camel threw U.S. immigration than it is to get a rich man to enter heaven."

<br>9. And we all nodded in silent agreement, because that was our job.

<br>1. AND the Sadducees were still mad at BOB Jr. and so they conspired to kill him.

<br>2. And to help them they got one of the disciples (I think it was Darryl) to at a secret meeting to point out which one was BOB Jr.

<br>3. I would've thought that the T-shirt that said: "My Father Is A Deity And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt" would've been enough of a clue.

<br>4. Anyway, Darryl had to wear a red dress and kiss BOB Jr. on the cheek to point him out to his captors to be, and for this he was paid Thirteen pieces of silver and a Mickey Mantle trading card.

<br>5. And so we all went out to dinner that night, but some guy kept on bugging us about holding still while he painting this picture of us.

<br>6. I would've thought that the name of the painting ("The Last Dinner") would've tipped BOB Jr. off, but he was having too good of a time.

<br>7. And then BOB Jr. turned to me and said, "Before the cock crows tomorrow morning, you will deny me thrice."

<br>8. And I said, "Your wish is my command, O master."

<br>1. AND behold we came unto the garden of gastronomy.

<br>2. And BOB Jr. said, "I'm going off to pray to father for a while, you guys keep an eye on me O.K.? Especially you in the red dress."

<br>3. And BOB Jr. wondered off into the woods a ways, so we all fell asleep.

<br>4. And when BOB Jr. came back down he awoke us all, so Darryl saw his opportunity, and he kissed BOB Jr. on the cheek.

<br>5. And suddenly a group of strongmen jumped out of the bushes, and in the ensuing melee, someone lost their ear (I think that that it was Vincent Van Go)

<br>6. But still we lost the battle and BOB Jr. ended up being taken away captive by the Sadducees.

<br>1. AND the Sadducees took BOB Jr. unto Poncho Pilot, who was judge in the land, and they said unto him, "Accuse this man of something, anything, so that we may kill him.

<br>2. And Poncho Pilot said, "I would prefer not."

<br>3. And so the Sadducees took BOB Jr. to People's Court, but Judge Wapner fined the Sadducees $50 for sexual harassment and neglect.

<br>4. And so the Sadducees took BOB Jr. to Julio Seizure, but he didn't even speak English so they could get him to let them kill BOB Jr.

<br>5. And so the Sadducees took BOB Jr. back to Poncho Pilot (they forgot that they had already tried him once).

<br>6. And they said unto Poncho Pilot, "Let us kill this man or we will have to kill you."

<br>7. So Poncho Pilot charged BOB Jr. with tax evasion and vehicular manslaughter set his execution date for Easter.

<br>8. But first Poncho Pilot had to go through this complicated ritual where the people either got the choice of increasing taxes to pay for a new prison or just crucifying everyone who didn't fit inside.

<br>9. And the people voted down the tax increase, of course.

<br>10. And so BOB Jr. was crucified, rather painfully, on a blue spatula (they didn't have enough crosses seeing as it was Easter time).

<br>11. And above BOB Jr. was a little sign that said: "Here is a commie smelly stupid fag."

<br>12. And three days after BOB Jr. was killed, he was still dead.