Parables,

as told by BOB Jr.

<br>2. And this man was very wealthy.

<br>3. And one day the son, Prodigal, got sick of his rich father sexually molesting him so he took his share of the inheritance and took off for L.A.

<br>4. And so the man killed the fatted calf and whipped his other son, Other.

<br>5. While living in L.A., Prodigal fell in with a bad crowd and at first he started doing pot and coke.

<br>6. Eventually he became a drug dealer while doing a little pimping on the side.

<br>7. Soon enough, Prodigal was killing people for money and was having a great time.

<br>8. But of course Prodigal fell in love with a nun from San Deemis, and after several years of trying to get to go out on a date with him, Prodigal gave up and tried to hang himself.

<br>9. Of course he failed and ended up temporarily in an institution.

<br>10. Finally the state released Prodigal into his father's custody. And when he returned home his father beat him to death.

<br>11. But Other wasn't jealous.

<br>1. NOW there was this man (don't these guys ever have names?) and he was very wealthy (of course) and he had in his employ a wise servant and a foolish servant.

<br>2. And the man was going to go away for a couple months and he gave twenty talents to each of his servants (talents are like twenty dollar bills, we just call them talents to make the symbolism that more obvious).

<br>3. And the one servant took the money and invested in AT&T. Within hours, the servant increased his master's money 3,576 times.

<br>4. So he took out the money and constructed a version of the Taj Mahal, only on the east coast.

<br>5. Only it also had a motel and a casino.

<br>6. And a freak hurricane hit the resort community and all of the money was lost.

<br>7. The other servant took the money and hid it under a rock.

<br>8. And when the man came to recollect his money, the one servant had to admit his mistake and he was sent to debtor's prison for the rest of his life.

<br>9. And the other servant couldn't remember under which rock he had buried the money, so he was sent to prison for life too.

<br>10. The real question here is which servant was the wise one which one was foolish?

<br>1. ONCE upon a time, there was a gardener (no, he doesn't have a name either).

<br>2. And this planter must have been blind because he kept scattering his seeds into some of the dumbest places.

<br>3. He sowed some seeds in the parking lot where they tried to grow between the cracks but they kept getting run over.

<br>4. And he sowed some in the manure fields where they may have grown up really well, only no one will ever see them because the place smells so bad that no one will ever come near it.

<br>5. And he sowed some in the carpet where they were vacuumed up to soon to sprout.

<br>6. And he sowed some in his butt, but they didn't grow because that is "where the sun don't shine."

<br>7. And he sowed some in the bookshelf and I don't know how they could ever grow there but some of them did.

<br>8. And he planted the rest in good soil. And they grew up and increased a hundredfold, which caused a giant breeding and infestation of mosquitos, causing an epidemic of malaria. And every one died.

<br>1. AND there were these eleven vestal virgins, and they were waiting outside to get into this wedding reception where they were planning on picking up some men.

<br>2. And five of the virgins only had one container of oil for their lamps. And half through the night they had to stop by the Kwik-E-Mart to purchase another thing of oil for their lamps.

<br>3. And another five of the virgins had two things of oil, but they ran out too. But still they waited in the dark (being virgins you would think that they would know when they've being stood up).

<br>5. So the bridegroom de-virginized her.

<br>1. And there were these two men and they were each going to build a house.

<br>2. And the wise man built his house upon the rock for it was a strong foundation.

<br>3. And the foolish man built his house upon the sand.

<br>4. Then one day a huge storm hit the island and the house that the foolish man built was swept clean away but the house that the wise man built stood strong.

<br>5. Of course the foolish man didn't care much for he had sold his house (as "beachfront" property) to a newlywed couple from California.

<br>6. And of course the wise man later died from complications from the hernia he developed while trying to build the house all by himself.

<br>7. And of course the couple from Arizona drowned so that the foolish man didn't have to worry about getting sued.

<br>8. And the moral of this story is: never buy a house from a foolish man, because even the losers get lucky sometimes.

<br>1. AND there was once this rich man, and he mocked BOB so he died painfully the next day.

<br>1. NOW there was this woman, and she was very poor, for she had thirty-two children and she believed strongly in BOB.

<br>2. And there was also this other man who was very wealthy, for he owned a bank.

<br>3. And when the Annual BOB Fund raising drive came up, the rich man only gave $20,000,000.00 which was but half of what he owned.

<br>4. But the poor woman, who only had a $<br>13.42 to her name, went out and and tried to rob a bank (by coincidence it was the bank that the rich guy owned) so she could give more to BOB.

<br>5. Unfortunately the police shot the woman to death before she could make her getaway.

<br>6. The truth to be learned from this story is: Don't be stupid.

<br>1. AND there was once this man and his name was . . . uh, . . . Fred.

<br>2. And Fred was traveling to the land of Summary, when he attacked by this band of Crypts, who beat repeatedly about the shoulders and then took his money.

<br>3. And while he lying there the cast and crew of Emergency 911, including William Shatner, set up and waited for someone to resue him.

<br>4. And along came this priest, and he ignored the bleeding man, for he was not a Bobist priest but rather a catholic priest.

<br>5. And along came this high school Assistant Principal and he yelled at Fred for having food in the halls.

<br>7. And later on in the week the same group of Crypts killed both the Catholic priest and the Assistant principal, but they did not harm the good Summaryan, for the Bloods got to him first.