THE END
Scot P. Livingston
10025 E. Girard
Denver, CO 80231
NBC
Dept. of Picking New Shows
3000 W. Alameda Ave.
Burbank CA 91523
To Whom It May Concern:
Greetings Ladies and Gentlemen. My name is Scot P.
Livingston and I’m a free-lance T.V. show developer and I’ve come
to you with an idea for a smash T.V. show that may not only
revolutionize the entire industry, but the very fabric of our
nation’s psychology. I may warn you however that both FOX and
HBO have shown interest in this project, so DO NOT DELAY in
responding. I think the perfect home for my new show would be
network programming so I’d like to give you guys the first crack
at it. It’s a little something I like to call “THE ZACHMANS.”
THE SITUATION:
I know this idea may shock many of you, but trust me: I
truly believe that your audience is ready for this radical new
change in direction. This is going to be (hold on to your hats
for this) a genially, some-what funny, half hour sit-com about a
typical, unrealistic, idealized, American family. That’s it. No
gimmicks. No tricks. Just one boring set, an obnoxious laugh
track, a group of annoyingly non-descript characters, and half a
dozen unfunny jokes.
THE CHARACTERS:
Andrea Zachman is a professional assassin, sort of like
the Bridget Fonda character in the movie “Point of No Return”.
She is high in demand by such wide ranging clients as the Mafia,
the P.L.O. , the Greenlandic Liberation Front, Michael Bolton,
The New York State Library, the U.S. Congress, the Disney
Corporation, the Pope, and several other criminal organizations
(allowing us to get into hot, recent, controversial news topics).
With her winning smile and stunning body she could charm her arms
around any dignitary or diplomat long enough to shoot him with a
snub nose silencer without anyone else sitting at the table
noticing for hours (until it was time to pick up the check). She
is cold-blooded killer, who worked only for the money even though
she enjoyed her work. While she used to just stay at home and
raise the children, she now makes $50,000,000 a hit easily, a
far cry from what she made merely 6 years ago when she was still
advertising in the back of Soldier of Fortune and Cosmopolitan,
right after taking some classes at community college. She is the
best in the business, stunning (and sometimes killing) her
colleagues and co-workers. She was even the key-note speaker at
the Convention of Hired International Killers (CHIK). In her
spare time she is also a street mime.
Andrew Zachman is an accountant for Toy World Inc. He
spends most of his days staring at numbers, making meaningless
calculations, totaling other people’s salaries higher than his,
and trying to figure out ways to deduct 27 prostitutes as a
business expense. But unlike other disgruntled T.V. dads . . .
Andrew likes his job. He relishes in the day-to-day sameness in
his job. He enjoys making the rich people who employ him richer.
He thrills to take petty risks with the IRS. His knowledge and
obsession of the tax code were so expansive that, had he been
working for the government he could’ve even arrested homeless,
unemployed people, Mother Teresa, long dead celebrities,
fictional characters, and even the President for tax fraud. But
instead he limits his vast powers to the confines of his company.
Not that he liked his employers - who frequently and unfairly
take advantage of him - it’s just that Andrew is small minded
man with little to no ambition. Allowing us to have several
heart-breaking, tear-jerking, endearing episodes where Andrew
breaks this mold. Andrew and Andrea had four children.
Anthony Zachman, their oldest son is supposed to be 18,
although he looks as if he’s 23 and acts like a 15 year old. He
is an accordionist for a heavy metal/polka band. Allowing us to
waste valuable minutes of air time showing videos by his rather
mediocre band. He is an above average student, who by some
freak of nature, keeps flunking his senior year (never aging)
allowing him to stay on the show. He will be the teen heart-
throb on the show. He will look sort of cute at the beginning of
the season and as the show progresses he will continue to get
more awkward and lanky until it’s almost impossible to identify
him. Still he will always be featured on the cover of “Teen
Beat” “16” etc., cause dammit we own them. No real teenagers
actually read it so no one will notice that he is actually very
unattractive now. On the show, he will always have a “steady
girlfriend” although every episode he will have a different one,
until we can find one the viewers like.
The Twins: MoonPeace and Mary-Ann-Jo-Sue are age 16 or
so, allowing for episodes about first dance, first date, first
kiss, first period, and losing your virginity all in the same
season. Rather than have two basically identical characters
played by two actresses who may have looked something a like a
long time ago, but now look like to random strangers with the
same hair cut and same brand of hair dye, we will have the twins
played by actually live identical twins (or just one actress
playing two parts using split-screen, whichever’s cheaper), but
they will have vastly dissimilar attitudes. One, MoonPeace, will
be a new age, spacey, neo-hippie, neo-beatnik. She is dressed
either in all black or tie-die and wearing a necklace from some
left-wing political cause. Often talking about stuff like
ecology, Greenpeace, inner child, zodiac, Gay rights, feminism,
or whatever the hot topic is. She is a shy moody poet (when
she’s not protesting) with little or no social life - depending
on what the episode calls for. Mary-Ann-Jo-Sue, on the other
hand is a fascist, racist, sexist, pro-life, fanatical born-again
radical. She has, in her room, a shrine to Rush Limbaugh, Dan
Quayle, David Duke, Pat Robertson, and Adolph Hitler. She is
literally a member of the KKK and frequently appears on camera
in her hood, shouting words like “nigger.” (if we can say that
on T.V.) I know it sounds tacky, but so was Archie Bunker. And
how much money did he make? The twins will constantly be
squabbling with each other allowing for comment on whatever
issue their mother brings up. They will however, secretly love
each other, rarely expressing it only at the end of every single
episode.
Li’l Mae Zachman is the cute kid who earlier made a
killing modeling for child pornography and is now, at the age of
9, independently wealthy. Her main job is to comment wittily,
and yet cutesily, about the going on. Her zingers would make
even an accomplished comedian proud, yet no one will question how
such a young child comes up with such brilliant retorts
constantly, day after day. She will also have a severe attitude
problem, believing that the world revolves around her. This will,
inevitably, make her even more cute to the audience. Of course,
if your own child starting acting that self-indulgent and
arrogant you’d probably smack her one, but hey - this is T.V.
She will frequently utter other T.V. show catch-phrases (from NBC
shows only of course) out of context before creating her own
catch-phrase that everyone else will start saying - Something
like “Dyn-O-Myte”, “Gotta Love Me” or “Sumpin’s Wrong Here.” She
will have an endearing little lisp (very little so you can still
understand what she saying), making her so cute and sweet that
diabetics will go into shock and black-out watching the show.
The Wacky Neighbors. The wacky neighbors will frequently
stop by the house and say something so stupid that you’re
surprised that they even figured out how to work the door knob to
let themselves out of their own house. And then when they leave
- whoever was the recipient of this pathetic non-sequitur “joke”
will comment that they are so stupid, it’s surprising that they
can even work the door knob to get out of their own house. The
wacky neighbors will stop by whenever ever the episode is a
little short and needs an extra few minutes.
THE CASTING:
ANDREA ZACHMAN: By the time you get this, Sharon Stone’s
career may already be slumping. If she’s desperate enough yet,
she’d be perfect for the part. If not, try Meryl Streep. She
seems intent on proving that she can do something other than
various accents in different dramas (witness her last few films -
She-Devil and Death Becomes Her.) We could wait until Christina
Appelgate is old enough (by which I mean, people have forgotten
that she was Kelly Bundy, and she looks old enough to be the
mother of a 18 year old - whichever comes first) Of course any
unknown or forgotten sexy blonde bimbo will work. Suzanne
Sommers . . . no wait she’s already taken. Try Merideth Baxter-
Berny. Or . . . or Ellen Barkin. Or maybe Lily Tomlin.
ANDREW ZACHMAN: Any one of those innumerable,
forgettable sit-com leads: Tony Danza, Michael Gross, Scott
Baio, William Ragsdale, Ted Danson, John Ritter, Lily Tomlin,
Burt Reynolds, Tom Selleck, Bronson Pinchot, Harry Anderson,
Scott Bakula, John Laroquette, Mark Linn-Baker, Patrick Duffy,
Chris Elliot, Adam West, David Hasselhoff, Ben Stiller, Michael
Landon (now wait - he’s dead), Bob Saget, Craig T. Nelson, Tim
Allen, Henry Winkler, Robert Hayes, Paul Riesner, Dan Cortese,
Michael J. Fox. Any one of these will do. They’re all the same
to me.
ANTHONY ZACHMAN: Doesn’t matter as long as he has no
acting abilities and isn’t really as attractive as everyone says
he is. Something like a cross between Luke Perry, Joey Lawrence
and Kirk Cameron. Maybe Maclom Jamaal-Warner. I know he’s black,
but he has more experience playing this kind of part than anyone.
Of course there’s always Lily Tomlin. But as far as casting the
kids goes, he could really pick anybody. We need some name
recognition for the parents (former sit-com stars), but really
who even remembers the names of the child actors on Step By Step?
MOONPEACE & MARY-ANN-JO-SUE ZACHMAN: If we can’t get
Lily Tomlin to do it, let’s just cast my sister, Barbara Ann.
Really she’s quite good and she can be had for cheap.
LI’L MAE ZACHMAN: While Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen still
hold the patent and monopoly on cute little kid-ness, I’d like to
get them. But they’re booked until about the time they turn
forty. Besides they’re much to expensive for a low-budget, High-
profit organization like ours. Lily Tomlin has shown some
interest in this role, so we can’t quite disqualify her yet, but
I was thinking more along the lines of a real live professional
child model. I saw one on the Joan Rivers Show once. She was
very cute, and like all models, she had expressed an interest in
going into acting someday. I forget her name though.
THE WACKY NEIGHBORS: Wallace Shawn and Sandra Bernhard.
Or Lily Tomlin.
POTENTIAL EPISODE PLOTS:
• The parents go out of town to a convention for a
weekend. The kids, who are looking after themselves for the
first time, throw a Tupperware party in their absence. They get
carried away and buy over $30,000 worth of plastic food
containers. When they parents get home, they don’t even notice.
• Anthony breaks up with his long-time steady girlfriend.
Nervous about dating again, Andrew goes out on a blind date the
very next day. At the restaurant, he sees his ex-girlfriend with
another boy. Upset, he spits his chewing gum in her hair. A
fight ensues and they are thrown out of the restaurant. The two
reconcile and make up.
• An Arab oil sheik (played by Bob West, the voice of
Barney the dinosaur) becomes obsessed with Li’l Mae after seeing
her in a Docker’s ad in the newspaper. He offers her parents
$380,000 to let him adopt her. The parents refuse, so Li’l Mae
takes the money herself and runs away with him. Three weeks
later the sheik dies of a heart attack and Li’l Mae returns home.
Everyone hugs and learns the value of a family (somewhere between
$690,000 and $870,000).
• A record company executive played by some old rock
star (preferably one of the Monkees) wants to sign a contract
with Andrew’s band, “Partially Digested Squirrel” We play their
new video and plug the tie-in album a couple of times and then,
for either moral, ethical or artistic reasons, the band refuses
to sign the contract and everything returns to status quo.
• Li’l Mae does a spread for “Penthouse” and everyone
gets jealous.
• MoonPeace is arrested during one of her political
rallies. The only one home when she calls is her twin, Mary-Ann-
Jo-Sue. She “forgets” to tell her parents where she is as a sort
of revenge. After spending a week in jail, Jerry Brown himself
(in a guest appearance) bails her out. Upon returning home Mary-
Ann-Jo-Sue apologizes and everyone’s a happy family again.
• Andrea’s mother (played by some really old semi-
forgotten former movie star) visits. Andrew makes a lot of funny
jokes at her expense. She then shocks her daughter by telling
her that she and her husband are finally getting a divorce.
Andrea refuses to believe it.
• Andrew is wanted by the IRS. He changes his name and
moves his family to another state. Forcing us to film all
episodes after that one in a different set. We will also have to
change the title of the series from The Zachmans to The
Youngfields.
• Andrea runs off with her lesbian secretary (played by
Sandy Duncan). Mary-Ann-Jo-Sue is so repulsed to have a
homosexual as her relative that she kills herself. It is now a
sit-com about a single father trying hard to raise he’s three
children.
• After breaking a dish or something, Anthony is grounded
on the night of “the big party.” Andrew tries to whine until his
father agrees to postpone the punishment till tomorrow night.
Andrew, who is trying to teach him a lesson, refuses to back down.
Anthony pulls out a gun and threatens to kill him if he doesn’t
let him go out. Andrew quickly changes his mind. The party is
kind of boring, and Andrew realizes that he made a mistake, so he
goes home and apologizes to his parent. Andrew forgives him.
SCHEDULING:
Is this show to “adult” too show before 8:30? Is
it strong enough to compete against Roseannne ? Should we just
animate it and dump into Saturday morning? Do we need a good
lead-in show? Would this fit with the theme of the other shows
on Tuesday night? Gentlemen - these questions will soon be
irrelevant. What I’m about to propose is a radical new concept
in scheduling. Rather than having The Zachmans on at the same
time every single week, it will appear at random pre-empting
people’s favorite shows, forcing them to watch it. It will
develop a cult following who will follow it wherever it may
wonder across the TV Dial page. While also sneaking into
unsuspecting viewers line-up, allowing them to get hooked too.
It almost worked with Twin Peaks. It will work with The Zachmans.
NOW I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE SAYING NOW: HOW DO WE SEND OUR
LARGE CHECK OR MONEY ORDER TO SCOT P. LIVINGSTON?, BUT WAIT I
STILL HAVEN’T PLAYED MY TRUMP CARD YET. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN: A
SCENE FROM THE ROUGH DRAFT OF THE PILOT EPISODE . . .
OPENING CREDITS
A very mellow, heavily sedated pop singer croons:
It’s quite important to cry
at least every once and a while
But it’s also nice to try
and give the whole world your smile
‘cause Laughing Matters (ooh-la-ooh)
it’s no Laughing Matter (ooh-la-ooh)
yea Laughing Matters . . . .
While we see slo-motion clips from the show with the
names of the actors matching up with their smiling faces. CUT
to ten minutes of commercials.
ACT ONE
Interior of The Zachman’s home. Establishing Med. shot
of the couch. Mary-Ann-Jo-Sue is lying on the couch munching on
some popcorn and watching T.V. MoonPeace comes downstairs grabs
the remote control off the end table and changes the channel.
MARY-ANN-JO-SUE: Hey I was watching the 700 Club!
MOONPEACE: It’s time for Oprah.
MARY: How could you watch her. She’s - she’s . . . black!
Laugh Track- Big Laugh
MOON: So?
Laugh Track- small chuckle
MARY: It’s my turn to control the T.V.
MOON: Un-uh. Last night you made me switch it from Letterman
to(said in a gag-gy barf-y way:) Rush Limbaugh.
Laugh Track- Med. guffaws
MARY: That was late night, It’s my turn to control the T.V. in
the afternoon. Laugh Track- Big Laugh. You’ve got control
tonight during Prime Time.
MOON: (in a sly, self deprecating way:) There’s nothing good on
Prime Time.
Laugh Track- Big Knowing Laugh, Some applause. Mary grabs hold
of the other end of the remote. They start wrestling for it.
Andrew comes in to the living room to see his two daughters
fighting.
ANDREW: What’s going on here?
MARY: It’s my turn to pick the afternoon T.V. shows.
MOON: No it isn’t. Right my darling, favorite father, Best dad
in the whole world, king, lord of the universe.
Laugh Track- Medium chuckle, mostly parental.
ANDREW: There’s only one way to solve this fairly.
Andrew takes the remote, changes it to the football station, sits
down and watches. Laugh Track- Med. Male Laugh followed by lots
of applause and supportive “Woo!”s MoonPeace and Mary-Ann-Jo-Sue
leave the room disgusted. Laugh Track- Mild snickering. Andrea
comes into the living room.
ANDREA: Are you watching football again?
ANDREW: Yep. Wanna join me?
ANDREA: No. I want you to take out the trash like I just asked
you.
Laugh Track- Med. Laughs, mostly female
ANDREW: Yea . . . well this is a very important game. I have to
watch this one.
ANDREA: Didn’t you say that about the last one? Laugh Track-
Med. Laughs. In fact, you’ve said that about every single game
this year. Laugh Track- Even bigger laughs.
ANDREW: (Unperturbed:) What an odd coincidence.
Laugh Track- More male applause and yelps of support.
ANDREA: Now listen Andrew, I thought I . . .
Interrupting her is the Laugh Track- Med. chuckle.
ANDREA: Something’s wrong with the Laugh Track. It’s timing is
all wrong.
Everyone pauses and waits five seconds. Then Laugh Track- Big
laugh.
ANDREW: I can see that.
Laugh Track- small chuckle, repeated twice.
ANDREA: While you’re outside, taking out the trash, why don’t
you try and fix it.
ANDREW: I’d love to honey, but the big game is on.
ANDREA: (Snatching the remote from her husband and snapping the
T.V. off. In a reprimanding tone of voice:) Andrew J. Zachman!
You are going to go out there right now and take out the garbage.
Laugh Track- Female applause.
ANDREW: (like a sullen child) Yes dear.
Andrew mopes off. Laugh Track- small chuckles. Glancing around
to make sure that no one is watching her, Andrea turns the T.V.
back on and starts watching. Laugh Track- Big laugh. Then Li’l
Mae walks in. Laugh Track- Applause.
LI’L MAE: (standing in front of the T.V. arms outstretched
blocking her mother’s view) It’s ME time!
Laugh Track- more applause. Annoyed, Andrea grabs an umbrella
lying next to the couch and hits her daughter across the head
with it. Laugh Track- Mild Laughter mixed with some sickened
“Ooh!”s
ANDREA: Finally, I can watch my show in peace.
Thru the wall behind her comes crashing a loud steam-roller
driven by the Wacky Neighbors. They are wearing matching hot
pink radiation suits and goggles.
ANDREA: Dang! I just had the wall fixed from their last visit.
Laugh Track- Med. Guffaws
WACKY NEIGHBOR MALE: Hi ho, Neighbor. Lovely day from a drive
isn’t it?
Laugh Track- Med. Guffaws
WACKY NEIGHBOR FEMALE: We just stopped by to ask if we could
borrow a cup of sugar.
Laugh Track- Med. Guffaws
ANDREA: Uh . . . sure. May I ask what for?
WACKY NEIGHBOR MALE: No.
Laugh Track- Med. Guffaws followed by some light applause as The
Wacky Neighbors put their steam roller in reverse and back out of
the living room as we CUT to ten more minutes of commercials.
End of ACT ONE
Fox is currently offering me $500,000 to start. If you
are interested, or have any questions or comments or changes
you’d like to make, please don’t hesitate to call me at 7457-7781
Sincerely,
Scot P. Livingston
THE END
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