Fireclown's dialogue with Melina on the subject of buried programs.

From the Zee-list.

Greetings Melina-

Enough of a break to try and toss some ideas at your difficulties-

OK, now firstly, and you will see a post in reply to Lauranz explaining my take on demons- but my working model is one of sorcery and demonology. I will use this model, which is explicated in my Elements of Sorcery and the previous post, but it isn't, of course, the only model, or even an appropriate one for your situation...so-

You ask why I have to identify the source. How do I know i want to end thecompulsive behavior if i don't know what is causing it? (Alternately, how doi recognize what is Will and what is wilfulness?)

First off, this isn't psychoanalysis, though psychology has perhaps something to do with it. That is, if you accept a model of sorcerous reality. From my POV, there are things about my experience which I dislike, but have use. There are other parts I dislike, that interfere with manifesting my life as I desire it to be. Those aspects which work against my desires (we'll get to Will later) are put into various categories (if I bother to do so!) these are

But, you can get the source from the effect (demon is as demon does). You can wait till you are stressed due to the compulsion, and do some automatic drawing. Do maybe ten over the course of ten days. Then look for repeat elements, separate them, and either trance or do some divination to see what these repeat elements might represent (reverse sigilization, basically, dealt with in works by Custor, Mace, and Fries).

The Ray Sherwin Technique (for will & willfulness)

Take some paper & a pen. Right hand column LICIT. Left hand column ILICIT.

Licit behaviours are allowed. Ilicit, not allowed. (yes it is an unpleasant way of doing things, but it definately strengthens the WIll!!!)

example:

Licit

Ilicit

 

It then becomes very simple...you may do anything in the Licit file. Anything that comes to mind, you contemplate which category it goes in. Anything in the Ilicit file you will not do. You will, when obsessing about Ilicit behaviour, engage upon recognition of the thought-stream, move immediately into a Licit action.

You won't get it right the first time. It works best to start with things in the Ilicit file that are easily avoided, but still do come up as desires. Mastery of a simple few items indicates time to add more, and harder to avoid actions. The intention is a slow sifting of desires, under the control of an ever-strengthening will. Best viewed as a game!

The last time I got fed upand and set out to "win" I realized that I had spent years ambushing theparts of me that understood magic and myth. They annoyed the shit out of whoI was trying to be at the time. But not only was i making a serious mistake, i would NEVER have won against my own magic. To Win that time i had to change who i was trying to be.

I can't in any way know what parts of your experience/behaviour you need to work with, so we'll leave that one alone...

In general, I seem to have an immediate gratification drive which is currently wedged in overdrive... Obviously I am saying I want what i can get right NOW and fuck getting twice as much tomorrow. What kind of childishinner perversion is making these decisions, anyway?

So, eliminate immediate gratification in all related things. You can't have _____x, until an hour, a day, a week, five minutes- no matter what! Train yourself by consistant use of will, these small 'wills' feed into a very potent Will! (even if not a True Will!)

And sheer desperation is what I feel. For one thing, I am substituting food for the type of sex that I want. Though I am trying to use extended celibacy as the "Reeses," I am trapped in some sort of inertia anyway. And I would do the same thing even if I wasn't celibate, for the sex that is out there is not the kind I want, regardless. I'm not going to "settle" anymore - I want the totally-possessed-by-hir-NRG sex i only ever experience in dreams, but I know I won't be able to experience that if I am ashamed of what I am/have let myself become. An even more serious problem is that my magik falls within this little boundary, too. I need complete self-satisfaction for the remainder of the limits to be lifted off my ability. Both the ultimate sex and the ultimate magik depend on my own control over my self - and so I HAVE to get that confidence of total self-control. I am certainly not there. (Though I WILL win. Maybe not today, but I WILL win.) Ultimately, EVERYTHING that matters to me is dangling out there, pretty darn close to me. So why do I open the fridge when I am NOT hungry and eat something I don't even really care that much for? It's like i have a ravenous hunger for something and will just accept any old temporary fix to appease it. But it doesn't. And the damnation of it is that i think the hunger is actually for what I'd give myself if i'd just cut it out.

Giggle. There you pretty much have it, Melina. Get strict with yourself, but in a Game sense-no recriminations, and once you decide the Licit & the Ilicit, NO REASONS! You do not do ______x...becaue it is bad, you don't do it because you decide not to do it. This is like Lust of Result...you, once you have a Sigil, energize it however you decide, BECAUSE you decided to. It is nothing, without meaning, without import. DOES NOT MATTER, NEED NOT BE!

I am beginning to think it is that I don't *want* to let my real self in through the gate, and that doesn't make a bit of sense, so I just don'tunderstand the resistance.

No, it makes a whole lot of sense. This is the first, and one of the most intense barriers most will go through working magick. Many of us have a Will to Lose. In a sense, we have a demon/program that wishes us to remain as we are, even if what we are is no fun, not good for us, and downright yucky. This demon is best controlled by absolute refusal to play on it's terms. We work against it for fun. We stop even thinking about it, even if it means we have to watch our breathing (another very, very useful technique in this type of case) all day every day. As a sport. Try to never even think about why. The whole section in Liber AL is the best explanation of this...if that needs to be clarified, I can do that. It's a practical technique often thought to be a philosophy.

I cannot figure what is it that catalyzes from "won't" to "will." How does one break inertia and compel motion in the desired direction? "Either do or don't"... How does one choose to do the DO?

In small degrees, but somewhat ruthlessly. DECIDE against pennies. When you get them for change, drop them as soon as you leave the store. Any you find, discard. Do this untill is comes 'naturally', in other words, without thinking. Then, switch to a desire for pennies. Never let them go, never give exact change, again, until natural. Decide what you will eat for every meal for the next two weeks (this works even better if you are cooking for someone else, mak them whatever they want, but you eat what you said you would eat) and stick to it. Nothing else! Go places you have never been. Go places you wouldn't even like to go. If you have to go somewhere, go a different route every time, even if it takes longer, even if it take A WHOLE lot longer! When you notice you are walking down the street without paying atention, cross to the other side. Can you get from home to work taking only left turns? Given what you have written, the best text I can reccomend is Prometheus Rising by Robert Anton Wilson, published by Falcon. But you MUST do every exercise, or at least take a highlighter, and highlight everyone that sounds really fun. Do this to the whole book. You get to do one of those as a reward for every three or five or ten of the ones you do that you didn't highlight. You want to subvert yourself, so you can see who you are, freed from the constraints of habit & inertia. But you gotta DO it.

regards,

melina

Skill

-----

Love

 

Zax Om Pax

Fireclown

"They are all fucked up, they're trapped by thinking.

Silly people, to be trapped by thinking."

"My Horse says 'Kitty Kitty Kitty', fuck my horse!"

Marik, possesed by Baron Samedi, 10/31/97

 

melina spake thusly-

In other words, if you are not getting laid, it may be because your obsession is in conflict with deep seated programs within your own psyche.

Yeah, sure. Or you may be really picky, or you never go out, whatever. Or, you could be so crazy with The Need that prospective assistants are scared away. Often absolute turning away (misdirection) from the obsession will lead to satisfaction. But specifically, if you are obsessed with The Need, you generate a Demon, which feeds on The Need. Were you to get fucked blind for hours a day, the Need-Eater would be starved of it's sustenance. Therefore, the Need-Eater works against the manifestation of your desire. (Basic Fireclown Entity Theory of Sorcery)-----But wait! It doesn't have to work like that...

I want to know how you root out the conflict. The last time I tried, I found that fucking princess. I don't want anymore royalty. I want the damn demon... I am REALLY pissed. I obsess. I can't stop. Can't direct. Can't use it. And so obviously it must be a program, but I can't get at which one. If I could, I could either use it or undo it. So very fast! But I have to be able to *see* the enemy first. Why CAN'T I??? It is running me and it makes me crazy to be so helpless.

First, the easy way...get into your obsession, or try to become lucid when you are in the throws of the Bad Nasty. What ELSEE is it like? When you get crazy with unfulfilled desire, does it remind you of anything else? I have a friend, who after sleeping with someone for a month or so, would start getting seriously violent impulses during sex...kept him out of long term relationships, as he really didn't want to dismember his girlfriends...but playing with this idea, (though he resisted me for awhile) he discovered that it was a LOT like the feeling he got when he just HAD to have chocolate & penutbutter, RIGHT NOW, or he would just have to hurt people... the Upshot, is we decieded the two impulses were linked. Maybe they were. Anyway, the next time he got hot & heavy with his current sqeeze, and started having manifestations of the Bad Nasty, he mentaly said "Yo! You drop this whole gig or no more Reeses!" and then just shoved the images into his backbrain. A few days later, he got the Candy Urge. He went & collected a bunch of the goods, and let himself get a drooly thinking about it. The he put them back & went home, saying to the Need-Eater 'Look, fucker, I told you: you feed me the Bad Nasties when I'm screwing my Lady, no fucking Reeses. EVER.' this went on for a few weeks, and then the murderous impulses faded out. He named the Demon, and bound it, so now it feeds on Good Stuff, gets it Reeses, and assists him with his writing.

But...why do you have to see it? Fireclown Entity Theory Theorem One: Demon is as Demon Does. It's like a partially inteligent (and usualy only very slightly) tape loop. It's like taking tapes of Dale Carnegie, John Denver (may he rest in peace), and the Who. Crack the cases, pop out the reels, and can you tell which is which? Plus, if it is a Bottom Feeder who's been in there for a long time, they can play different faces, diferent roles...so look for resonance, and go in that way. Or you can try the Bludgeon Tactic. Start dropping habits & make yourself as boring as possible. See if you can't flush it out to the surface, where you can beat the piss out of it, or seduce it. If you want more specific ideas, what EXACTLY does it do? When? Why do you think it does? (remember you'l prolly be wrong, doesn't matter)...feel free to take it offlist if it is personal. Basically, you want to make a gate. WHat lets it out, lets the rest of you in. Plus, there is probably more of you that you like than there is of you/ your Demon that you don't like. Therefore, you ALWAYS win, but you'll have to get crafty, and persist. The first step is to tell yourself, many times a day, I WIN. I MAY NOT WIN TODAY, BUT I WIN.

Best of Skill-

Zax Om Pax

Fireclown

all interstices have been allocated to the descending angles....

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