"Look within, thou ART the Buddha," say the Buddhists texts, and "Be ye lamps unto yourselves."
Or from the Christians, "The kingdom of God is within you."
Or from Heinlien, "Thou art God."
The Little Sister of the Small Denominational Order of Loose Change was asked how the Order came to be, especially since everyone knows that an "Order" of "Chaos" is just too damn funny for words. This is the answer:
I spent much of my formative youth in a charismatic Episcopal church (cross the Anglicans with the Holy Rollers and you get an ugly hybrid). Three things about that experience pushed me toward what I roughly call a Chaos Magick stance.
First, I hung out with an avowed Satanist seven years my senior who accompanied his semi-handicapped mother to services. I was about twelve or so when we met, and he was the first of several self-described magicians I would encounter. Ours were very edifying conversations, especially his interesting view of Communion. I hadn't caught the cannibalism thing before. (The down side is I still know all the lyrics to the Jimmy Buffett song "God's Own Drunk" -- a song it amused him to teach to me. Much of my understanding of Satanism is rendered surreal by the overlay of, "Two sniffs, a snort, a fly turn, and a grunt. It was so simple, like the jitterbug, it plumb evaded me.") Thus I learned that there were more things under Heaven and Earth than "Jesus loves me, this I know."
Second, while staying up late at a weekend church youth retreat I participated in the conversation of the youth leaders. They were picking the songs for the next afternoon's sing-n-pray session. I learned quite a bit about pacing and directing mood. *ping* "It's NOT the spontaneous inspiration of the Holy Spirit!? Fraud! They plan this! It's all manipulation. Hm.... " My unconscious thought must have been, "Can I manipulate them back?" Thus I learned to Speak in Tongues and Prophecy.
Third, during one of these well-paced sing-n-pray sessions, the text for meditation was (Chapter and Verse not in memory) "The Kingdom of God is within you." It precipitated another Kensho, though I wouldn't have known to call them that then. Thus I learned that it was silly to wait 'til after death to know heaven.
Shortly after this last event, I encountered the novel Stranger in a Strange Land by Robert A. Heinlien. I was maybe 13.
I lost my last chance to ever be 'normal'.
I'm not complaining.
It all added up such that when I first encountered Crowley and Starhawk they held equal validity. I could never view anything but as a belief construct, whether it came from Ayn Rand or Lao Tzu. Everything was Manipulation in some form or another, but it was up to me whether to allow someone else to design my Kingdom or to do it myself. Throw in a lot of R. A. Wilson, and you can get the picture of where my head went.
My life went where I wanted, mostly because I made it up as I went along. This is not to say it was perfect or without substantial pain. It certainly was not, and is not. The charge to the Magician is, "Know. Will. Dare. Keep silent." Daring alone will get you into interesting places. If you Will it right, they're often places where you want to go. As for the rest, sometimes I Know things, but I'm very bad at keeping my mouth shut. Generally, life is big; because of my lack of silence, it is also often loud. I like it.
When the Fire Demon threw Peter Carroll's Liber Kaos at me, I learned there was a name for whatever it was that I was. Being a primate, I sought a Troop. Being (for want of a better word) Chaote, I would not tolerate heirarchy. Usenet held alt.magick.chaos, and a few random emails to people with interesting posts led me to the Z(cluster). I didn't want to join an Order and have someone to tell me what to do; I wanted to have someone to squawk with. I found the right place.
When joining a list of Very Cool Chaos Magickians (tm), one had to have, or so I feared, a Very Cool handle. While not good at 'Cool', I do possess a sense of humor informed by the Firesign Theater. Thus, The Small Denominational Order of Loose Change was born. It provided a .sig, and like most things in a Random Walk life, it took on a life of its own. The Chapterhouse was born in a fit of storytelling. Some of these stories were first told the the Z(cluster)'s email list.
The Z(cluster)'s email list has been likened to a dinner party. The tone moves between banal and profound, food fight and formal toast. Usually, many conversations are going on at once, much of it squawking. In the midst of all the chatter I've learned a lot, raised several glasses of metaphorical wine, and thrown the odd glob of mashed verbiage. The conversations have taken me back to my roots, and I realize that the most important thing I've ever learned was this:
"Two sniffs, a snort, a fly turn, and a grunt. It was so simple, like the jitterbug, it plumb evaded me."
