Fleertup the Happy Pig was walking home from the market.
"I have rasins, and carrots, and green beans, and black beans! I
also have cleaning supplies, like ScotchBrite Pads, to make my pans
shiny! Oh, I am a happy pig! I have ammonia, and benzene, and
sulfuric acid, and plutonium and a NEW BOX of Crayons!"
He was truly a happy pig. So happy was he, that he decided that right
after dinner, he would clean the WHOLE kitchen, and make everything
neat and orderly.
"Order is good!", Fleertup thought happily. "With order I can find
things, and nothing is sticky in the morning!"
Yes, Fleertup thought order was good, and he kept thinking it all the
way home. This allowed him to make an instant evaluation of his home
when he got there. His happy little orderly home had been ransacked by
a mob searching for Elvis, and everything was very disorderly.
"BAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDD!" Wailed Fleertup. "OHMYOHMYOHMYOHMY!"
cried
Fleertup. "What ever shall I do?" blubbered Fleertup. Just than a
Beautiful woman appeared in front of Fleertup. She had most Beautiful
eyes, a brilliant smile, and held an apple in her hand.
"Who are You???" Sobbed Fleertup, still thinking, "Ordergoodwreckedhousebad".
"Oh, just a passerby. I saw what the mob did to your home, and I am
here to tell you, don't bother cleaning it up. Build a new house, over
there a bit, and make it out of something stronger. Try wood."
"But my things, my pots and pans..." Fleertup complained.
"I'll help you get them over to your new place." The Beautiful woman
said, and with that she threw the apple into the wrecked home. It
bounced around wrecking more things, but kicking Fleertup's cookery and
other kitchen goodies into a pile at his feet.
"MY! That's amazing!" Fleertup shook his head in wonder.
The Beautiful woman smiled at Fleertup. "Tell me something I don't
already know. I must go now, I have a party to attend."
Fleertup waved happily at her as she faded from view, then went into
the forest and gather wood, which he stacked and daubed mud on to make
a fine home. It was late when he finished, so he built a fire and
cooked his vegetables, and ate them, and then shined all his pots, and
went to bed.
The next day, Fleertup went to the store again. Coming home he
chattered excitedly about his new possesions, to no one in particular.
"I have some paper for my crayons, and some cleaning brushes, and some
comix about a small grey aardvark! I am so happy! I like my new home! I
wonder when that woman will appear again? When I get home I shall make
my lunch, and then tidy up, because tidiness is neat!"
He continued to think "Neat tidiness, tidy neatness, neat neatness,
tidy tidiness..."
When he got home, though, his state of mind was again phase reversed.
Another mob had run over his home, on their way to the Elvis concert.
"DOUBLE-PLUS-NOT-NEAT!!!!" Screeched Fleertup the recently not so
happy. "OHMYOHMYOHMY!" sobbed Fleertup. Two homes in two days.
What
would he ever do?
Just then, the Beautiful woman appeared again, in a spiffy tennis
outfit. She was bouncing her apple on the racket. "Hello, again. I was
passing by again, when I saw the wreck. Why don't you build a new
house, over the other way a bit. Make it out of bricks and mortar. I'm
off to the courts."
"Oh! O.K." Fleertup waved again as she faded, and then got to work.
First he made some brick forms, and a huge fire to kiln the bricks in.
When he had made enough of them, he dug into the earth until he found
the calcium carbonate that he needed, along with more clay and sand.
Kilning the calcium carbonate to make lime, he mixed them together to
make cement. Then he built his new home, carefully lining up the bricks
to make neat rows, staggering each subsequent row, because it looked
nice. He finshed with the chimney.
He moved all of his things into the new house, made a meal, played with
his crayons and paper, and read about the aardvark until he got sleepy,
then went to bed.
The next day, Fleertup the happy Pig awoke from his nap to a thumping
sound outside his nice new home. He looked out the double-paned
insulated glass windows that he had made early that morning, to see
thousands of drunken men in white suits with large collars, stumbling
around, and occassionally running into the house. They bounced off.
"Oh, goody, no-one is wrecking my home and making it disorderly!"
Just then, there was a glow in his peripheral vision, and Fleertup
turned to see that The Beautful woman had come back.
"Oh, hello, Beautiful Woman! No one has wrecked my nice new home,
everything is nice and orderly!"
"No, no it's not." She smiled. She ran her finger across one of the
table, picking up a few grains of dust. She showed it to Fleertup.
"Even when you clean and clean and clean, the dust will come back. Even
when you clean up some dust, when you shake out the rags outside, the
dust goes into the air and some goes onto your clothes, to be carried
back inside. Even when you shine you pots, the dirt mixes with the
water and cleanser to make something even more chaotic than before.
Every act of putting things in order leaves a little trail of disorder
behind it."
Her Eyes shined. "And it's all because of me!"
Fleertup, being the order seeking pig he was, couldn't take this
anymore. His little mind snapped, and he ran to the kitchen to shine
the pots. He shined and shined, until eventually, he wore the pots
away to nothing. Then he started washing his hands...
--Irreverend Hacksaw, The Scotchbrite Masons
Originally appeared in in alt.discordia 22 Apr 94. Brought to our
attention by the inimitableRiffRaff<
of the Z(cluster).
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