There came a time when the Fire Demon left the Southlands, crossed the ocean, and took up residence in a Frozen Land. This is not the story of his leaving, but the story of how the Three Snusketeers paid homage to the King. This is a story in several parts.
*
The making of the Zen Sticks
The Fire Demon had at last found a mate, the Piranha Kitten. He had met his match, you might say, in more ways than one. They were to be married in her homeland, and the journey to the wedding, a long train ride to the North Pole (or nearly so far), required diversion. As fortune would have it, the Fire Demon was accompanied on his trip by many friends, including the Young Evil One who was Utterly Adorable and Fully Aware of His Potential, and the Tazzer.
In homage to his home in the Southlands, the Fire Demon had indulged in the typical pre-wedding behavior of Southern males, and a great deal of 'snusk' had been procured. In the language of the Frozen Land, which is economical and lets its few words mean many things, 'snusk' translates to dirt, filth, and smut. Being who they were, the three friends were affected by the plethora of pornography (and the ridicule it inspired from the others) in such a way as to band together proudly as the Three Snusketeers. But even Snusketeers can tire of such things, and further diversion was needed.
It was then that the Young Evil One who was Utterly Adorable and Fully Aware of His Potential produced the pieces of wood which were to become the Zen Sticks. The Snusketeers were to carve these sticks into whatever shape suited them, and they would be called Zen Sticks because, as the Fire Demon said, "We are Zen masters, and know what the fuck we're talking about."
And so it was that on the long train ride to the North Pole (or nearly so far) the Three Snusketeers fashioned the Zen Sticks, and knew what the fuck they were talking about.
Or so it is said.
*
The unmaking of the Zen Sticks
The living space of the Fire Demon and the Piranha Kitten was small -- too small for two such fierce creatures, much less so for two creatures and their stuff. It was 6 months after the wedding, and the Frozen Lands were truly frozen and the sky was dark. It was becoming clear that Stuff Had to Go. The Piranha Kitten was eyeing three oddly carved pieces of wood, and when her intent was made clear, the Fire Demon objected.
"But those are the Zen Sticks!" he cried. "We made them on the long ride to the North Pole (or nearly so far) before our wedding. They are mighty tools!"
The Piranha Kitten was unimpressed. "If they're tools, I've never seen you use them."
"But I can't just throw them away! What would the Tazzer think, or the Young Evil One who is Utterly Adorable..."
"...and is fully aware of his potential. Yes, I know." She considered for a moment, then looked up at him with full cuteness. "You're a Demon. Can't you just make them smaller?"
The Fire Demon looked down, admiring her cuteness but fearing her piranha teeth, and thought for a moment. Then he smiled, and summoned to him the Tazzer and the Young Evil One to tell them of his need to make the Zen Sticks smaller. The Tazzer was dubious, but the Young Evil One sang out his support, reminding the Tazzer that the Fire Demon was indeed a Zen Master, and therefore knew what the fuck he was talking about.
In the small patio behind the tiny living space, in the full dark of an early afternoon, in the small Pit the Fire Demon had made for himself in the Frozen Lands, the Three Snusketeers built a blaze. They burned the Zen Sticks to ashes.
When the fire had finally flickered out the Tazzer regarded the grey pile. "Well," he said, "they're smaller. Now what?"
The Young Evil One who was Utterly Adorable and Fully Aware of his Potential smiled, and being familiar with the small living space of the Piranha Kitten and the Fire Demon, he stepped the two steps it took him to reach the far wall of the living room, reached behind a pile of books, and drew out a small leather pouch fashioned with no seams. The Tazzer recognized it immediately. "That was made from a kangaroo scrotum," he remarked, for the Tazzer was from the land next to the land of the kangaroos, and was wise in such things. "Now what?" he repeated.
The Young Evil One and the Fire Demon smiled at each other and scraped the ashes of the Zen Sticks into the pouch fashioned from a kagaroo scrotum. They secured the opening, and replaced it behind the pile of books.
"Well," admitted the Piranha Kitten, "they're smaller."
*
The preparation of the offering
A year after the wedding, the Fire Demon and the Piranha Kitten planned to cross the ocean back to the Southlands and begin a journey. The Fire Demon wished to introduce his bride to the Reverend (now living in a converted church), the Young (now a father, and no longer the consort of the Beautiful), the Misnamed, The Former God Emperor (who had come to know himself as such, but abandoned his status), and the woman called Spice. He wanted to show her where the Bivouac once stood, now a parking lot next to where Spice and Blondie's Good Time Soup Kitchen and Boarding House ("Notice it is not a Good Time Boarding House...") was still standing. He wished to visit the Other Little Sister, the Boy, the Girl and her Consort. There was was also a pilgrimage to make.
As the preparations for the journey were being made, the Fire Demon informed the Young Evil One and the Tazzer that they were planning to visit the holy shrine of the King. "We must send a token to the King!" cried the Young Evil One. "It should be something unique and wonderful, and it should represent the Three Snusketeers."
"There is nothing more unique and representative than this," said the Piranha Kitten, moving the Bondage Barbie and reaching behind her shelf to grab the pouch made of a kangaroo scrotum.
"The Zen Sticks!!" cried the Snusketeers.
"How will anyone know what they are?" asked the Tazzer.
"We will write a mighty scroll, telling the story of the Zen Sticks and how they were fashioned on the train up to the North Pole (or nearly so far). We will add an incantation, dedicating the ashes to the King," said the Fire Demon. "Anyone who opens the pouch to look will read how important it is, and they will believe us, because..." He paused significantly. It took the other two a moment to catch on, but then they cried in unison:
"Because we're Zen Masters, and know what the fuck we're talking about!"
"Damn straight," punctuated the Fire Demon, and the three friends went to work on the proper wording of the scroll.
When at last they were done, they rolled the scroll with great ceremony, such that it would fit in the pouch made of a kangaroo scrotum along with the ashes of the Zen Sticks. The Piranha Kitten packed it away for their trip to the Southlands.
'Well,' she thought to herself. 'One less piece of Stuff.'
*
The homage to the King
The Safari Room in the mansion of the King is often mis-called the Jungle Room. It was the intention of the Fire Demon and the Piranha Kitten to leave the pouch containing the ashes of the Zen Sticks and the dedicatory scroll stashed behind the sofa, but Security was too watchful for even these two wiley creatures. As they finished the tourist's tour, they came to the grave of the King, upon which many offerings were laid.
The Fire Demon and the Piranha Kitten looked at the gathered Teddy Bears, flowers, and assorted Stuff of Dubious Taste and knew that the only solution was to leave their homage at the grave itself. With fully ceremonious demeanor, they placed the pouch made of a kangaroo scrotum containing the ashes of the Zen Sticks in among the other offerings on the grave, and stood together a moment in silence. Then they looked at each other, and supressing smiles at the reactions of the tourists, they chanted solemnly in homage to the King:
"He was a Zen Master, and knew what the fuck he was talking about."
The Fire Demon and the Piranha Kitten regained their vehicle and left the city known as 'Home of Elvis and the Ancient Greeks' without even stopping for a Co'Cola on the way. It may be imagined, however, that a basso drawl could be heard behind them saying:
"Thank you. Thank you ver' much."
"It's only the river. It's only the river."
