13.march.99

Life is the hell for me now. Today my cousin (she) called me to her birthday. I refused.

She was clever. She asked me about my health. (It was the second party. The first time I already refused pretending to be ill. And she knew I don't like to tell lies.) So I answered that I feel better but I don't want to take her invitation. There were no explanations and my voice was quite stiff.

I refused because I knew it wouldn't be for good. I became very rude and wave aside all my politeness last months. I never did any intentionally. When I was splashing milk of mirth to all good people it was naturally and without poise. And now I don't feel indebted or interesting in entertaining anybody. If I came, it would be no pleasure to her. And she probably thought about any possible good to me. So I thanked her. I know it would be no good to me. Only possible profit would be my pouring and relieving from my jaundice on their heads. And I think it is much worse business than bullying from invitation.