24.jan.99
Today I lost my access to Internet.
I will never forgive them their youth, I will never forgive them their happiness and smiles, I will never forgive them their hopes for better future, I will never forgive them their certitude in themselves and their friends, I will never forgive them their knack to live to bear and forbear. I will never ...
I wish to commit mayhem on those ppl who devoid me of Internet, (in figural way you know). Do I hate ppl? Do I wish mal-doing to them? ...
When I was 4 years old I was drowning, I was saved by stranger. I perfectly remember those accident, I remember how I live(d) and what I felt in those day. Was I afraid when I plunged into water? Did I feel desperate wish to live when I was in the water? No, I didn't.
And I don't understand even now why he saved me. You can say this is the natural deed. Many good people would have done the same. And I can grasp it by my reasoning. But I can't believe, (if you see what I mean), that somebody, except may be my kin, who owed to this things, so that somebody would want to save me, to keep me alive. And I don't remember no one feature of him, I perfectly remember those twig for which I was trying to reach.
May be after those day I'm afraid of making attempts to reach things what I want.
And may be after those day I'll never be able to hate people in general.
Did I ever save somebody? ... I think I should do this, but I don't remember I ever saved somebody really.
(I helped one tiny dog to find his owner. I was very proud of myself. Those lad, owner of him, came to my yard after this and shouted loudly and cheerfully: "Thank you for rescuing my dog!" - It was .... Yes, it was happy moment in my life).
Imagine you are eyewitness of accident. Will you rescue him (not dog, man of course)? Will you really want to rescue him if you will have a chance to give him a loose end? I sometime afraid of thought that it will be very interesting to look at eyes of dying stranger knowing I would be able to rescue him but ... only watching in his eyes and coming closer.
PS I fancy, when I can public it onto my page?