Murder Rap
by Suzi Kosturin


I'm doing time in the slammer. Twenty years. Do you want to know why? I found my wife, Lisa, making love to an honest-to-real vampire.

It was bad enough when she was fooling around with Eddie Two-timer, who used to be my best friend... used to be before I caught him in bed with Lisa. That's the time that a murder of passion could have taken place but I controlled myself. Eddie wasn't worth spending twenty years in the slammer for. The little runt. I couldn't figure out what my wife saw in him and his skinny frame. Then six months ago, she started acting funny again. She wouldn't meet my eyes and she'd be out all night, saying she was with a sick friend.
"Which friend is this, Lisa?", I asked.
"Oh, you've never met her." She wouldn't meet my eyes.
"Well, I could go with you tonight and see how she's doing. Maybe we'll buy flowers," I said in a musing voice.
"She's allergic to flowers." The response was much too quick, as if she was hiding something. I nodded, pretending to understand.

She slipped out that night while I was taking what I thought was a light nap, in an attempt to catch her going out the door so I could follow her.

The sun bathed her face as she walked in the door the next morning. She had tiny bite marks all over her neck. If she had been ministering to a sick friend, then I'll be damned. I slept on and off at work that day. Sitting behind a desk and waiting for a client isn't exactly my idea of work, but the loan business is slow nowadays. That night when Lisa slipped out, I followed.

They met in a park filled with shady trees under a crescent moon. I've always thought of vampires as tall and dark and handsome but this one, he was none of those. He was overweight, with a ghastly pale face and shocking copper-colored hair. At least, Lisa could have picked herself something to look at. What she found fault in my looks, I'll never know. I'm not exactly bad-looking and I've got plenty of women who look my way but the only one I've ever wanted was Lisa. Look at the way she's treated me - like my love is worth nothing.

I took care of that two-timing vampire. I've seen enough movies, I suppose, to know what does and doesn't kill a vampire so I knew a stake in the heart wouldn't work. Instead, I knifed him. Lisa ran away. I cut that vampire into bits - arms, legs, head and torso and buried him here and there.

It came out later during the trial that he was a much - respected member of a group helping the homeless on the streets. How can a vampire be respected when he drains the blood out of his victims and all but leaves them for dead? I thought, "Good riddance," - one less despicable being on the face of the earth. As if there isn't enough in the line of murderers and rapists and such.

The judge and jury didn't have much of a problem in finding me guilty. Lisa's evidence put me away for a good part of my life. We're still married..... she's due for our 'conjugal' visit tomorrow. She likes sex a bit rough but that's ok with me..... at least I'm getting some in this joint.

I figure I'm cut out for prison life. Not much different than being on the outside. Get to sleep in the daytime on my single bunk, get an hour's exercise in the yard and get three square meals a day. Oh, yeah , better not forget that joker who keeps burning the toast. As well, there's no need to worry about two - timing vampires making out with my wife.

Ah, here she comes. She looks so good in jeans and a tight shirt rumpling across her small breasts. Maybe I haven't had any in a bit..... she sure looks mankiller gorgeous.

We didn't talk much before sex. There's not much time in the hour allotted to us in the cement Hilton's bridal chamber - if you can call it that. But I sure feel fine afterwards.

As Lisa dresses, her brows knit in concentration. I know from experience that she's thinking something.
"What is it?", I ask.
She pulls the shirt over her head and I playfully grab for her but she evades me. Neither does she answer. I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.
"Did I hurt you?"
A shake of her head. She appears to be waiting. I have no idea for what.

Feeling vulnerable and uncomfortable, I dress hurriedly in my light blue one - piece prison garb. I wrinkle my nose in disgust. Someone's burnt the toast again. Inexplicably, I feel crowded although there's no one else in the room with us. There's a lot of space around the double bed but no furniture. The hairs on the back of my neck bristle. What's going on? Then they're here. So many I can't count them all. Vampires in every size and shape. Lisa turns around and smiles a thin smile.
"That's what I couldn't tell you, Paul. This prison is filled with the kind of men you killed to get here."
I back against the wall. I never thought there would be vampires in a prison..... never in a lifetime. The smell of burning toast lies heavy in the air all around me.....