Musician Jokes
How do you get two piccolos in tune?
Shoot one
What's the definition of a minor second?
Two piccolos playing the same note.
How long does it take to tune a piccolo?
How long do you have?
Piccolo players spend half their lives tuning and half their lives playing out of tune.
Famous piccolo quote: "But I bought mine tuned!"
What's the easiest way for a piccolo player to earn money?
Threaten to play.
What's the difference between a piccolo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you cut up the onion.
What happens when you throw a piccolo, a viola, and an
accordion off the Empire State Building at exactly the
same time?
Applause.
What do piccolos and artillery shells have in common?
By the time you hear them, it's too late to run.
Why do piccolo players march when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
It's harder to hit a moving target.
How is playing piccolo like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
You don't have to be too good at either to get attention.
What's the difference between a piccolo and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on the trampoline.
A man walks into a bar with his alligator and asks the
Bartender, "Do you serve piccolo players at this
Establishment?" "Sure do," answered the bartender. "Ok,
Said the man, "I'd like a beer, and I'll have a piccolo
Player for my gator."
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the piccolo recital.
How is a piccolo like a jury trial?
Everybody is relieved when the case is closed.
Did you hear about the latest urban crime wave?
Drive-by piccolo solos.
What's the difference between a good picc player and Bigfoot?
There have been sightings of Bigfoot.
What's the difference between a dead snake in the middle of
the road and a piccolo player?
The skid marks in front of the snake.
The snake was probably on his way to a gig.
Two flute players are talking and one says,
"Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"
"That was no piccolo, that was my fife."
What's the most improbable combo of words in English?
"The piccolo player's Porche has arrived."
What's the definition of perfect pitch?
The ability to throw a piccolo across the room into a
toilet without hitting the rim.
What's the definition of a nerd?
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
Reminder: The English horn, which is neither English nor a
horn, should not be confused with the French horn,
which is German.
What does a bassoonist say on a gig?
"Would you like fries with that?"
What do you call a sax player with half a brain?
Gifted.
How can you get a sax player's eyes to sparkle?
Shine a light in his ears.
What's the difference between a sax player and an insurance
policy?
The policy will eventually mature and earn an
Income.
What's the difference between a sax player and a snake?
The snake has better ears.
How many sax jokes are there?
None. They're all true stories.
Why was the sax player staring at the orange juice bottle?
Because the label said "Concentrate."
What's the difference between a sax and a lawn mower?
You can tune up the mower.
Vibrato.
The mower sounds better in chamber groups.
The mower has a dynamic range.
You can turn off the mower.
What's the difference between a sax and a macaw?
One's loud, obnoxious, and aggressive. The other is a
bird.
Why isn't a sax like a lawn mower?
Nobody minds if you borrow their sax.
What's the definition of a gentleman?
Someone who can play sax but doesn't.
There's a room with Qaddafi, Hussein, and a sax player. You
have a gun but only two bullets. What do you do?
Use both bullets on the sax player, just to be sure.
How many trumpet players to change a lightbulb?
Five - one to do the job, and four to say they could have done a better job.
What do you call a good musician at a sax contest?
Lost.
What's the difference between a sax and a lollipop?
When you lick a lollipop, it disappears. When you play a
Lick on a sax, it's still there.
Before surgery on his hand, the sax player asked the doctor,
"Will I be able to play sax after the surgery?"
He said,
"Probably not; I'm operating on your hand, not giving you
a lobotomy."
Why do so many fishermen own saxes?
They make such great anchors.
How many sax players to change a lightbulb?
Five - one to do the job, and four to contemplate how
Charlie Parker would have done it.
How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
Put your hand in the bell and miss lots of notes.
A trombone player and a conduct are crossing the street. You
Are driving and cannot avoid them both. Who do you hit?
The trombone player: business before pleasure.
How do you spot the trombonist's kids on the playground?
They don't know how to use the slide, and they can't
swing.
How does a trombone player answer the phone at a gig?
"Hello, Pizza Palace."
What's the range of a tuba?
Twenty yards, if you've got a good arm.
How many drummers to change a lightbulb?
None - they have machines to do that now.
What do drummers use as birth control?
Their personalities.
What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
Why did the drummer get fired from the M&M factory?
He kept eating all the W's.
What do you call a drummer who can't afford to play anymore?
Married.
How can you tell if there's a drummer outside your door?
The knocking keeps speeding up.
How many drummers does it take to eat a rabbit?
Three: one to eat it, two to redirect the traffic.
The difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
You only have to punch in the rhythm once on the
machine.
What do you say to a drummer in a three piece suit?
"Will the defendant please rise?"
How can you tell if the stage is level?
The drool comes out of BOTH sides of the drummer's
mouth.
Where do drummers play best?
In traffic.
How can you tell the difference between all the drum solos?
By their titles.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To show the drummer the way.
Why did God give drummers more brains than horses?
So they don't poop on the parade route.
How does a drummer end up with a million dollars?
Give him ten million and wait a month.
What do a drummer and a human spermatozoan have in
common?
They both have a million-to-one chance of
becoming a human being.
What's the best way to tune tympani?
With a penknife.
What's the best thing to play on a drum?
Solitaire.
Did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys in his
Car?
It took him three hours to get the bass player out.
A man asked his son, "What do you want to be when you grow
up?"
The son replied, "a drummer."
The father answered,
"Son, you can't have it both ways."
At a biology conference, a scientist announced, "At our lab,
we've switched from rats to drummers for most of our
experiments. There are three reasons: first, drummers
are far more plentiful; second, the lab assistants don't
get as attached to them; and third, there are some things
even rats won't do. The only problem is that sometimes
it's difficult to extrapolate our test results to human
beings."
How can you tell if a jazzer has been on the road too long?
He opens the frige at night, and as the light comes on,
he says, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
How many jazzers to screw in a light bulb?
One to do it, three to get their names on the guest list,
And five to ask how he got the gig.
Restaurant patron: "Waiter, how late does the band here play?"
"Oh, usually about half a beat behind the conductor."
How can you tell if a violin is playing out of tune?
The bow is moving.
How many violinists to change a light bulb?
One - he holds it and the world revolves around him.
Did you hear about the instant violin repair kit?
{hold up a match}
Why do most people take an instant dislike to violinists?
It saves time.
How can you tell the last chair violinist?
He's the only one without a knife in his back.
Why are violists' fingers like lightening?
They rarely strike the same place twice.
Why is a viola like a Scud missile?
Both are inaccurate and highly offensive.
Why is a violist like an appendix?
Both can be big pains; you don't miss them when they're
Gone;
and no one knows what they're good for.
If you took all the violists in the world and laid them end to
end… it would be a good idea.
Why do Boy Scouts learn viola?
They make good canoe paddles.
Why did the violist cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.
What's the definition of atonal music?
A violist playing Bach.
What's the useless wooden material around the F holes?
A viola.
What happens when a violist dies?
They move him back one stand.
How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
What's the best recording of Bartok's Viola Concerto?
Music Minus One.
What's unique about viola concertos?
They're the only concertos in which the soloist plays
the harmony.
What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
The viola burns longer.
What's the difference between a viola and a cello?
You can fit more violas in a trash compactor.
What's the most challenging requirement for finalists in the
International Viola Competition?
A finalist must be able to hold his viola from memory.
What's the definition of an optimist?
A violist with a beeper {/mortgage}
How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
Sit in the back and don't play.
What's the fastest way to tune a viola?
Wire cutters.
A few years ago, a group of lost viola players was discovered
On a remote island. When they were asked how they
Survived so long, they said, "From the supplies dropped
By the helicopters…"
Why is a violist like a terrorist?
They both screw up Boeings.
What's the difference between the first stand of violas and the
third stand of violas?
About a measure and a half.
What's the difference between a violist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
How do you get a violist to play a downbow staccato?
Put a tenuto mark over a whole note and mark it solo.
How do you get a violist to do a tremolo?
Put a fermata over a whole note and mark it solo.
Why do violas make the perfect murder weapon?
They're the classic blunt instrument, and they never
have any fingerprints on them.
How do know when there's a viola section at your front door?
No one knows when to come in.
How do you get a viola to sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a cello.
How many strings does a viola have?
Four too many.
What kind of calendar does a violist use?
"Career-at-a-glance."
Why are viola jokes so short?
So violinists can remember them.
Why are violins smaller than violas?
They're not; violinists' heads are bigger.
What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
The coffin has the corpse inside.
How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo?
Write "pp, expressivo" on the music.
Why are intermissions only 2o minutes?
So the drummers don't have to be retrained.
Why did the bass player get mad at the tympanist?
The tympanist turned one of the bass player's tuning pegs and wouldn't say which one.
What's the definition of a really bad bass player?
Even the section notices.
How many bass players to change a light bulb?
I, V, I, V…
How do you get a bass player off your doorstep?
Pay him for the pizza.
The publisher is so successful with its violin book called A TUNE A DAY. In fact, they're going to publish an edition for violists called A TUNE A WEEK. If that sells, they'll release A TUNE A MONTH for cellists. And if that's successful, they're going to publish one just for bass players called TUNE.
What do you call one pretty good violinist, one bad violinist, one failed violinist, and someone who hates violinists - all in the same room?
A string quartet
If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building,
which will hit the ground first?
Who cares?
What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of
fertilizer?
The sack.
Why are conductors' hearts the best for transplants?
They haven't been used much.
What's the difference between a conductor and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Terrorists have sympathizers.
What do you call 500 conductors buried up to their necks in
sand?
A good start (or not enough sand).
What's the ideal weight of a conductor?
28 ounces, including the urn.
What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
The bull has the horns in front and the… in back.
Knock, knock. Who's there? Philip Glass.
Knock, knock. Who's there? Philip Glass.
Knock, knock. Who's there? Philip Glass.
Knock, knock. Who's there? Philip Glass.
Music: a complex organization of sounds, akin to noise and cacophany, that is set down by the composer and incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is disregarded by the musicians, the result of which is ignored by the audience.
"A piano is a piano is a piano." Gertrude Steinway
Glinka, Glinka, Little Tsar
Musicians Rest Between Bars
Life Begins at Forte
Valhalla: Gods' Country
Bach Wrote Swell and Great Music
Chopin Had Nocturnal Habits
Sousa! Phone Home!
Salome Knew How to Get Ahead
Les Sylphides Is Not a Disease
Cio-Cio San Committed Insecticide
Koechel Had Mozart's Number
Mendelssohn Was Lost for Words
Steinway Had a Grand Idea
Bach: Life of the Partita
Did you hear that Wurlitzer is going to merge with Xerox?
They plan to sell reproductive organs.
Why did Bach have so many children?
Because he didn't have any stops on his organ.
What do you get when you play a country song backwards?
You get your job back, your wife back, your truck back,
your dog back…
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
What's 30 feet wide and has 8 teeth?
The front row at the Grand Old Opry.
Banjos are to music what Spam is to food.
What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in
common?
They both suck when you plug them in.
The oldest music joke in the world:
Hey, mister, how do you get to Carnegie Hall?
Practice.
The next oldest music joke in the world:
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine
shaft?
A-flat minor.
What's the definition of a minor second?
How long does it take to tune a piccolo?
Piccolo players spend half their lives tuning and half their lives playing out of tune.
Famous piccolo quote: "But I bought mine tuned!"
What's the easiest way for a piccolo player to earn money?
What's the difference between a piccolo and an onion?
What happens when you throw a piccolo, a viola, and an
accordion off the Empire State Building at exactly the
same time?
What do piccolos and artillery shells have in common?
Why do piccolo players march when they play?
It's harder to hit a moving target.
How is playing piccolo like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
What's the difference between a piccolo and a trampoline?
A man walks into a bar with his alligator and asks the
Bartender, "Do you serve piccolo players at this
Establishment?" "Sure do," answered the bartender. "Ok,
Said the man, "I'd like a beer, and I'll have a piccolo
Player for my gator."
Why did the chicken cross the road?
How is a piccolo like a jury trial?
Did you hear about the latest urban crime wave?
What's the difference between a good picc player and Bigfoot?
What's the difference between a dead snake in the middle of
the road and a piccolo player?
Two flute players are talking and one says,
What's the most improbable combo of words in English?
What's the definition of perfect pitch?
What's the definition of a nerd?
Reminder: The English horn, which is neither English nor a
horn, should not be confused with the French horn,
which is German.
What does a bassoonist say on a gig?
What do you call a sax player with half a brain?
How can you get a sax player's eyes to sparkle?
What's the difference between a sax player and an insurance
policy?
What's the difference between a sax player and a snake?
How many sax jokes are there?
Why was the sax player staring at the orange juice bottle?
What's the difference between a sax and a lawn mower?
What's the difference between a sax and a macaw?
Why isn't a sax like a lawn mower?
What's the definition of a gentleman?
Someone who can play sax but doesn't.
There's a room with Qaddafi, Hussein, and a sax player. You
have a gun but only two bullets. What do you do?
How many trumpet players to change a lightbulb?
What do you call a good musician at a sax contest?
What's the difference between a sax and a lollipop?
Before surgery on his hand, the sax player asked the doctor,
"Will I be able to play sax after the surgery?"
Why do so many fishermen own saxes?
How many sax players to change a lightbulb?
How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
A trombone player and a conduct are crossing the street. You
Are driving and cannot avoid them both. Who do you hit?
How do you spot the trombonist's kids on the playground?
How does a trombone player answer the phone at a gig?
What's the range of a tuba?
How many drummers to change a lightbulb?
What do drummers use as birth control?
What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
Why did the drummer get fired from the M&M factory?
What do you call a drummer who can't afford to play anymore?
How can you tell if there's a drummer outside your door?
How many drummers does it take to eat a rabbit?
The difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
What do you say to a drummer in a three piece suit?
How can you tell if the stage is level?
Where do drummers play best?
How can you tell the difference between all the drum solos?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Why did God give drummers more brains than horses?
How does a drummer end up with a million dollars?
What do a drummer and a human spermatozoan have in
common?
What's the best way to tune tympani?
What's the best thing to play on a drum?
Did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys in his
Car?
A man asked his son, "What do you want to be when you grow
up?"
At a biology conference, a scientist announced, "At our lab,
we've switched from rats to drummers for most of our
experiments. There are three reasons: first, drummers
are far more plentiful; second, the lab assistants don't
get as attached to them; and third, there are some things
even rats won't do. The only problem is that sometimes
it's difficult to extrapolate our test results to human
beings."
How can you tell if a jazzer has been on the road too long?
How many jazzers to screw in a light bulb?
Restaurant patron: "Waiter, how late does the band here play?"
How can you tell if a violin is playing out of tune?
The bow is moving.
How many violinists to change a light bulb?
Did you hear about the instant violin repair kit?
Why do most people take an instant dislike to violinists?
How can you tell the last chair violinist?
Why are violists' fingers like lightening?
Why is a viola like a Scud missile?
Why is a violist like an appendix?
If you took all the violists in the world and laid them end to
end… it would be a good idea.
Why do Boy Scouts learn viola?
Why did the violist cross the road?
What's the definition of atonal music?
What's the useless wooden material around the F holes?
What happens when a violist dies?
How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
What's the best recording of Bartok's Viola Concerto?
What's unique about viola concertos?
What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
What's the difference between a viola and a cello?
What's the most challenging requirement for finalists in the
International Viola Competition?
What's the definition of an optimist?
How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
What's the fastest way to tune a viola?
A few years ago, a group of lost viola players was discovered
On a remote island. When they were asked how they
Survived so long, they said, "From the supplies dropped
By the helicopters…"
Why is a violist like a terrorist?
What's the difference between the first stand of violas and the
third stand of violas?
What's the difference between a violist and a dog?
How do you get a violist to play a downbow staccato?
How do you get a violist to do a tremolo?
Why do violas make the perfect murder weapon?
How do know when there's a viola section at your front door?
How do you get a viola to sound beautiful?
How many strings does a viola have?
What kind of calendar does a violist use?
Why are viola jokes so short?
Why are violins smaller than violas?
What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo?
Why are intermissions only 2o minutes?
Why did the bass player get mad at the tympanist?
What's the definition of a really bad bass player?
How many bass players to change a light bulb?
How do you get a bass player off your doorstep?
The publisher is so successful with its violin book called A TUNE A DAY. In fact, they're going to publish an edition for violists called A TUNE A WEEK. If that sells, they'll release A TUNE A MONTH for cellists. And if that's successful, they're going to publish one just for bass players called TUNE.
What do you call one pretty good violinist, one bad violinist, one failed violinist, and someone who hates violinists - all in the same room?
If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building,
which will hit the ground first?
What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of
fertilizer?
Why are conductors' hearts the best for transplants?
They haven't been used much.
What's the difference between a conductor and a terrorist?
What do you call 500 conductors buried up to their necks in
sand?
What's the ideal weight of a conductor?
What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
Knock, knock. Who's there? Philip Glass.
Music: a complex organization of sounds, akin to noise and cacophany, that is set down by the composer and incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is disregarded by the musicians, the result of which is ignored by the audience.
"A piano is a piano is a piano." Gertrude Steinway
Glinka, Glinka, Little Tsar
Musicians Rest Between Bars
Life Begins at Forte
Valhalla: Gods' Country
Bach Wrote Swell and Great Music
Chopin Had Nocturnal Habits
Sousa! Phone Home!
Salome Knew How to Get Ahead
Les Sylphides Is Not a Disease
Cio-Cio San Committed Insecticide
Koechel Had Mozart's Number
Mendelssohn Was Lost for Words
Steinway Had a Grand Idea
Bach: Life of the Partita
Did you hear that Wurlitzer is going to merge with Xerox?
Why did Bach have so many children?
What do you get when you play a country song backwards?
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
What's 30 feet wide and has 8 teeth?
Banjos are to music what Spam is to food.
What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in
common?
The oldest music joke in the world:
Hey, mister, how do you get to Carnegie Hall?
The next oldest music joke in the world:
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine
shaft?
How do you get two piccolos in tune?
Shoot one
Two piccolos playing the same note.
How long do you have?
Threaten to play.
Nobody cries when you cut up the onion.
Applause.
By the time you hear them, it's too late to run.
They're trying to get away from the noise.
You don't have to be too good at either to get attention.
You take off your shoes to jump on the trampoline.
To get away from the piccolo recital.
Everybody is relieved when the case is closed.
Drive-by piccolo solos.
There have been sightings of Bigfoot.
The skid marks in front of the snake.
The snake was probably on his way to a gig.
"Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"
"That was no piccolo, that was my fife."
"The piccolo player's Porche has arrived."
The ability to throw a piccolo across the room into a
toilet without hitting the rim.
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
"Would you like fries with that?"
Gifted.
Shine a light in his ears.
The policy will eventually mature and earn an
Income.
The snake has better ears.
None. They're all true stories.
Because the label said "Concentrate."
You can tune up the mower.
Vibrato.
The mower sounds better in chamber groups.
The mower has a dynamic range.
You can turn off the mower.
One's loud, obnoxious, and aggressive. The other is a
bird.
Nobody minds if you borrow their sax.
Use both bullets on the sax player, just to be sure.
Five - one to do the job, and four to say they could have done a better job.
Lost.
When you lick a lollipop, it disappears. When you play a
Lick on a sax, it's still there.
He said,
"Probably not; I'm operating on your hand, not giving you
a lobotomy."
They make such great anchors.
Five - one to do the job, and four to contemplate how
Charlie Parker would have done it.
Put your hand in the bell and miss lots of notes.
The trombone player: business before pleasure.
They don't know how to use the slide, and they can't
swing.
"Hello, Pizza Palace."
Twenty yards, if you've got a good arm.
None - they have machines to do that now.
Their personalities.
Homeless.
He kept eating all the W's.
Married.
The knocking keeps speeding up.
Three: one to eat it, two to redirect the traffic.
You only have to punch in the rhythm once on the
machine.
"Will the defendant please rise?"
The drool comes out of BOTH sides of the drummer's
mouth.
In traffic.
By their titles.
To show the drummer the way.
So they don't poop on the parade route.
Give him ten million and wait a month.
They both have a million-to-one chance of
becoming a human being.
With a penknife.
Solitaire.
It took him three hours to get the bass player out.
The son replied, "a drummer."
The father answered,
"Son, you can't have it both ways."
He opens the frige at night, and as the light comes on,
he says, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
One to do it, three to get their names on the guest list,
And five to ask how he got the gig.
"Oh, usually about half a beat behind the conductor."
One - he holds it and the world revolves around him.
{hold up a match}
It saves time.
He's the only one without a knife in his back.
They rarely strike the same place twice.
Both are inaccurate and highly offensive.
Both can be big pains; you don't miss them when they're
Gone;
and no one knows what they're good for.
They make good canoe paddles.
It was the chicken's day off.
A violist playing Bach.
A viola.
They move him back one stand.
Put it in a viola case.
Music Minus One.
They're the only concertos in which the soloist plays
the harmony.
The viola burns longer.
You can fit more violas in a trash compactor.
A finalist must be able to hold his viola from memory.
A violist with a beeper {/mortgage}
Sit in the back and don't play.
Wire cutters.
They both screw up Boeings.
About a measure and a half.
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Put a tenuto mark over a whole note and mark it solo.
Put a fermata over a whole note and mark it solo.
They're the classic blunt instrument, and they never
have any fingerprints on them.
No one knows when to come in.
Sell it and buy a cello.
Four too many.
"Career-at-a-glance."
So violinists can remember them.
They're not; violinists' heads are bigger.
The coffin has the corpse inside.
Write "pp, expressivo" on the music.
So the drummers don't have to be retrained.
The tympanist turned one of the bass player's tuning pegs and wouldn't say which one.
Even the section notices.
I, V, I, V…
Pay him for the pizza.
A string quartet
Who cares?
The sack.
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Terrorists have sympathizers.
A good start (or not enough sand).
28 ounces, including the urn.
The bull has the horns in front and the… in back.
Knock, knock. Who's there? Philip Glass.
Knock, knock. Who's there? Philip Glass.
Knock, knock. Who's there? Philip Glass.
They plan to sell reproductive organs.
Because he didn't have any stops on his organ.
You get your job back, your wife back, your truck back,
your dog back…
New Age music.
The front row at the Grand Old Opry.
They both suck when you plug them in.
Practice.
A-flat minor.