Back to Opening PageSo this is the christening of yet another journal in my life. This one is for my thought and reflections of life. I am finally ready to write them all down and see where it gets me. I can feel the gears in my head turning already. This journal has nothing secretive, it is a part of me, but not of my daily life. I just hope I can remember all my random thoughts by the time I finally get to write them all down. So if you happen upon this go ahead and read, add if you like, but remember that all thought's are copywrite of Caitlin's head.
Humans constantly amaze me with their compassion. For some reason there seems to be something within most people that stops us from saying things that might be considered to be a harmful label. On the other hand, so many people also devote a great deal of time to labelling one another as a means of causing each other pain. I think that as people we need to grow and change our standards a little to the point where we need not worry about labels because people no longer have to be concerned with them.
Laughter is an amazing euphoric feeling, there is nothing in the world, not even love that can rival the burst of pleasure that a person feels from laughing. In some ways when laughter is paired with love it helps to brighten the occassion all the more.
It is a very strange thing that drives women to all these attempts of beauty. It starts out subtly, as a way for us to fit in when everyone in junior high is wearing make-up and dying their hair and it slowly develops into something more. It gradually becomes a means of trapping men, while all the time you know who is truly beneath the mask, and eventually he does too. We then come to realize a crossroad. He may love you for the woman beneath the masquerade, but he does appreciate the attempts at beauty. The problem is where to draw the line. Do you stun him with your incredible good looks, onto to leave him dissappointed when you retreat back to your normal, more comfortable form? Or do you remain as you are, comfortable, yet a little intimidated by other beautious women. I know in my life I was happier when I was comfortable in my own skin, without the help of beauty products as at that point it was who i was, and it was an admirable trait according to those people that I had surrounded myself with. But as things and situations changed I found myself trapped in the need to be "beautiful" even though I find true beauty without make up. It starts with the need to be beautiful for special occassions and gradually moves to every day life as a person is suddenly surrounded by everyday beauty. I feel that in my outward attempts to be beautiful we lose a bit of our soul and confidence in believing that we need products to become ideal, and even I am guilty of such a sin. I would like to make laws that would ban all beauty products, but I know that they would never survive and even if they did, humans would turn to other things to beautify themselves, it's in our nature. But what is saddest of all is that we feel this material form of beauty so we ignore true beauty in the world, intelligence, a gentle smile, a soft flush of cheeks and the sound of laughter. True beauty is fading into the background as we lose our appreciation of the true woman to that of a painted doll.
We all have moments in our lives where we feel absolutely content in the world and for that moment you think that there is nothing more that you want and that you could die right then and there without feeling remorse for things left undone. When suddenly you wake up and think that maybe that feeling of contentedness means that you will die, or are dying. But after a few seconds you realized that you arn't dying and you sink back into that warm feeling, and for five minutes, the world is perfect.
It's come to be my belief that new love is one of the most exciting things in the world. It's that period at any point in a relationship where you exchange these incredible vows of love and when the intensity of it all could almost sweep you off your feet. And then as time goes on, you wonder where that has gone and you settle into an older more comfortable sort of love. I imagine that people fall in love with that feeling of new love and so it explains why some people can never make a commitment. They are entranced by that feeling of new love, the feeling of having someone devoted to you in every aspect of their life so that there is hardly anything else to think of. I think they are frightened of the older love because they are no longer the center of attention and admiration. Yet, while intense I think new love can be unsatisfying, it rarely ever allows you to see the other's flaws nor to recognize your own. In a sense you can never really be yourself in new love and therefor your mate will never be able to be their self as well. But despite all this, it is one of the best feelings in the world and stays with you forever.
Being a woman of the new millenium I feel that I am in many respects a feminist, but I feel sometimes that it goes to far. Feminism preaches that a woman can wear anything she wishes anywhere, without regard to her own safety because men should respect her as a person and not a sex object. Unfortunately, not all people are of such virtue and dressing provocatively does place a woman at risk, whether she thinks it should or not. What I think is worse yet, is what feminism preaches towards how one should treat a man. Feminism has given women to take a stand, expect more things from their husbands, boyfriends or significant others, yet no where does it ever preach doing things in return. It has gotten to the point where I know many young women who expect their boyfriends to buy them things, make romantic efforts and to basically bend to their every will, but offer them very little in return. Feminism has given women a chance to better themselves and their relationships, but it began as a stand for equality, not female dominance. Every relationship should have some give and take. You give what you would like to recieve. Sometimes I think that feminism places pressure upon women that isn't needed. It is no longer acceptable to just be a housewife, even if that is all you wish to be and what you are best suited for (after all, one of the greatest things you can do in life is to raise a happy, healthy child into adulthood). It places pressure upon women in management positions because they have something to prove, that they are good enough, strong enough, the best. Once again, should we not help promote doing what one wishes with their life, rather than calling someone a failure for staying home to raise their child and giving them the attention and love they deserve (not to say that all parents who work don't offer their children love and attention... but a parent whose desire was to stay at home wouldn't likely be satisfied at work and would therefor have a harder time keeping a positive attitude to connect with their children.) I know my thoughts are much debated, but they are the way I see things. I believe in equality, not dominance. I feel that I have nothing to prove and I myself am fine with accepting the role I have chosen for myself and I would be content to be a housewife, and raise my children in peace, but unfortunately not all things work that way in life. In the end, I know that even though feminism says I can dress how I please, I would rather dress for the comfort of the occassion and know that I will be safe rather than taking risks just because I can.
I've figured out how it is that one can die of a heart break. No, it doesn't mean you spontaneously implode when you lose a loved one, but I think that my explaination is a decent one of how it might be that one could die of a broken heart. You see, when you love someone, you become so absorbed into them, into loving them, into being with them that, to use the old cliche, you become one. So now imagine that this loved one has died, or left or whatever the case may be. You won't want to eat certain foods, because they will remind you of that person. You won't want to do the things you used to enjoy together because they also remind you of that person. If you have lived with your love for a very long time, or were very involved in their life, it would be very hard to go or do anything without memories of that person coming up. And so perhaps it would be depression and unhappiness that could cause that person to die. If they refuse to eat, and refuse to get out of bed than those are symptoms that could surely lead to death... a death caused by heartbreak. Now this isn't to say that everyone left alone will die of heartbreak, but perhaps it's just a simple explaination of how it might come to be, and that matters of the heart really are quite serious.
Recently I've been thinking alot about how it is that we all make our ways in the world. My job is physically labourious and the shifts are insane but I keep telling myself only a few more months, only a few more dollars to go. And then I look at the other people there, mothers, wives, husbands. I wonder why these people have decided to follow this path that limits them so much. Their wages may increase, as will their benefits, but the hours will always be horrendous, and who is to say they will ever make it up the ladder? They Have children, that probably will never know the joys of having a parent home the majority of the time, instead they have to wait at home while their parents both work closing shifts, or opposing shifts. I have so much sympathy in my heart for these people. I realize that they have all become victims of circumstance, that they are stuck and there is no real way out, when they are making good money now, but at what sacrifice? I myself find myself on a tighter budget... I have not even looked at my account to see where my money is because I know I can't spend it. It is disheartening, to go to McDonald's because you've worked until 10 pm and you are tired and hungry and to have to scrap change from your purse to pay, knowing that you really shouldn't be spending money on that sort of thing at all... but you can't be bothered to cook for just one person. I believe that if I didn't know that I will be getting out of all this in a matter of years that I would be severly depressed. Hope is the only thing that justifies this life style, the hope and the knowledge that someday I'll have it better. I'll have a little money in my purse to spend, I'll be able to be home with my children and my husband and that my body won't ache when I come home from work. I don't know what people do when they don't have this crutch to lean on.
It feels like I grow more cynical with every new day with every new experience. I feel as if I used to see the world with more innocent eyes, that I could see it more of a canvas that I could shape and change, to make it more beautiful. I believe that I used to see the world through more rose coloured glasses. I suppose that is the curse of an artist, to one day wake up from their vision, and instead see all the blackness around them. I don't view love as I once did, I don't believe that any love that is really meant to be can have sparks and fireworks for every single moment. At one point you just become comfortable with that other person, and you don't need that to make it through anymore. I believe it's the media that makes us crave this thing that doesn't exist... how often is it that we see a love last 50 years in the movies? Because people would find that boring, people want to see sparks and excitement, and all the romance they dream about for themselves... so that is what they are given, but it doesn't mean there is honesty behind it. I would pay more money to see a movie about people who can't speak romantic lines every 10 minutes and instead muddle their lives out together, loving and accepting one another for who they are without being sent a rose for every day or whatever the catch is. I think these viewpoints of mine that have formed in the past year really are more cynical and bitter, but I like to think they are more honest. That I have lived this much more so that I can see what things are really like. I think my patience with people has grown much thinner. I find myself disgusted by humanity, by the way we treat one another, by what people have done to their morals, by how some people are forced to raise their children. I suppose I see the world as a whole as being a much darker place than I once did. In some ways I believe that I see the truth more clearly now, but in another way I am mourning the loss of my innocent rose coloured glasses. My writing has lost the feel of it's idealism, of it's hope and instead it is more harsh and realistic. Perhaps we need idealism in the world to block out the cold pain of the things we realize to be true... we need something to find the good in, something to believe in so that we arn't over come by all the darkness. I like to think that I can find the good in almost anything, but I am having to try harder than I used to. I know that this feeling, like all others will pass too. I know that I will find hope and faith and idealism in something, that all it needs is time.
I'm starting to wonder if we must let go of everyone that we have ever loved. I suppose it is change and not really letting go that I speak of, but still, I find it much the same. Many friends are lost in the transitions of our lives, whether it is as we grow up, or because we have moved or any other number of things. But no matter what the barrier is one is forced to realize that that particular friendship may never be the same as what it was, it has either been morphed into something completely different, or we have been forced to let go of it. I find that I am at an odd transition in my life. My friends from high school have an odd feeling about them and I am not sure if any of us are the same as we were, but I don't feel the same connection I used to. I wonder if it is perhaps things have changed so drastically from the day when we would see each other every day. On the other hand I have made some very close friends in University, but we come from all directions across the entire continent, and I am almost sure that one day I will have to let them go as well, reverting to relationships that all function over e-mail and the odd call rather than the feel of a real live human being who is there to tell you that it will all be ok. I also have realized that relationships with the family will always be different There will come a day when we no longer go on trips like we used to, with my mother, my father and my two siblings. I have added one more person to this equation, and soon enough so will my two siblings and we will all part and go our own ways so that it will be so hard to ever coordinate time to all be together at once. I find it hard to let go of all the things that were once so familiar to me, and it makes me worry that perhaps eventually everything that is familiar will have to be let go of and that we just cycle through phases of familiarity. I suppose it is as they say, "only change is constant". It's not that I don't want change, I just don't want to let go of the things that once were, to let go of them and begin to make new familiarities of my own. What I find the most terrifying is the idea that perhaps someday everything will be unfamiliar and I will be alone, sitting in a room full of people with whom I have memories of familiarity, but that it won't exist any longer, and that I will just be there alone.
Lately I've been watching anger and pain, my own and that anger that I find in other people. I believe that anger is something that boils and burns until one day it just explodes like a horrible disease and spreads to all people within it's wrath. Anger only breeds more anger. The problem with human beings is the fact that we are never content. There is always something that you will do to upset other people, or somethign they will do to upset you, it's unavoidable and world peace is completely unattainable. It's an emotion that I have a hard time understanding until it boils in my own soul... and I must that I am a more calm person than many. I suppose a world without anger would also be a world without hatred, pain and sorrow... and then that wouldn't make us humans any longer.
Today I walked outside on my way home and I breathed and deep breath and watched the fresh autumn leaves dance in the wind and suddenly the world was peaceful. I could see everything so much clearer and the most beautiful, deep, cryptic and sensual poem came to my mind. I felt so inspired that I wished I had a paper and pencil there with me right then, but then on the other hand I simply took delight in the flood of words as they danced into my head, twisting themselves around each ridge and crest. It was a poetic moment where the earth just swallowed me in words and each one was more beautiful than the last leaf that fell from the trees. I wonder how many other people in the world felt what i felt right there at that very moment, perhaps every time someone seems to be off in their own world they are just hearing the song of the earth, the song of the season's rebirth, or human life rejoicing, of acceptance for all. For one moment my bitterness and cynicism passed, and I was free, free to love everything there at that moment, without judgement, without fear. I saw it all for a moment through innocent eyes, with innocent breath, and an open mind and heart, for one moment, everythign was right.
We all have "one of those days" Where all you want to do is break down and cry with little to no explaination of why it is that you feel the way that you do. I am definately in the midst of one of those at this very moment and I havn't the strangest idea why. I often feel that I havn't the reason to feel stressed out, or upset because my life really isn't all that bad, but sometimes it just all starts to build up and it feels like it is too much, and then, and only then, do I start pondering the meaning of life, love and the universe. I think in part these days are brought on by the intensity of college life and young adulthood. Never before have I balanced so many things at once, nor do most people. College is like that... because on top of classes you balance a job, and for some of us a family. I define family as being at least a significant life partner because you are in some manner bound to one another and obligated to helping the other person along this journey we call life. All these aspects just build up on a person until one day you just want to explod and scream "Enough Already!" It makes us doubt our families, our purposes in life, our very reason for being. And sure enough after a little while that will come to pass and life will continue as normal. Sometimes it is just enough to make it through one of these days without doing something incredibly stupid that will make it one of those months, years or lifetimes.
© 1997 blackwing@sk.sympatico.ca
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