BELONGING


 I don’t know what brought me here, to this place in 
specific, perhaps it is the cold, unforgiving grip of the day. 
 I’ve always found November to be a depressing month.  It seems
 this year is worse.  I feel like I’m the only soul left here in
 the entire province of Nova Scotia.  I feel so empty, yet I
 can’t seem to help notice the beauty of my surroundings.  My
 bare feet gently grip the hard broken earth beneath me.  Another
 foot forward and I would be dancing with the cloudy mist off the
 edge of this cliff.  It continues to rain, although only a
 little.  The raindrops remind me of tears, the tears that my
 eyes will no longer cry.  It’s windy here as well, although I
 suppose that is to be expected when one is standing on top of a
 cliff.  The wind blows around my slightly rain soaked dress. 
 God it seems ridiculous to have dressed up like this, it’s just
 that, it’s just that I want to look good when they...

	No I mustn’t think of that now least I lose my nerve. 
 The water below looks cold, but at least this pool below is free
 of the large rocks and stones I saw everywhere else.  They say,
 oh why should I mind what they say, this is about me!  For once
 in my life I’m going to do something without allowing my
 decision to be polluted by the opinions of others.  Yet it’s
 hard, so hard, to do so when it is thoughts of them, my family,
 and friends that fill my mind.

	I say family and friends, yet do they deserve such noble
 titles anymore?  In fact, my family is anything but noble.  My
 Mother departed this world upon my birth, and my Father is a
 raving alcoholic.  I feel ashamed to even consider calling such
 weak characters family.

	As for my friends, oh these are memories to painful to
 bare.  I can feel the tears rolling down my cheeks once more. 
 Just when I thought I could cry no more,my tears betray me.  I
once had friends, and now it seems all I have left is this craggy
 forlorn cliff.  I don’t even know how it all happened.  We were
 always so close, the six of us, Joshua, Allen, Samantha, Anne,
 Emily, and I.  We were together our whole lives, since
 kindergarten at least.  Our fathers would go fishing together,
 sometimes staying out late into the night. On other occassions
 all the families would join together for cards.  My Father was
 always short a partner, so sometimes I’d play too.  I thought
 life would always be that way.  I thought the six of us would
 always be together, forever.

	I close my eyes, letting the memories surround me.  I can
 feel it as the sun peeks out from behind the clouds, and I
 remember that day on the beach.

	I was lying there next to Joshua.  He was mine, he had
 been for as long as any of us could remember.  Josh and Morgana,
 Morgana and Josh.  We went together like the sun and the sky. 
 Samantha and Allen had disappeared off together for a few
 moments, Anne and Emily lay beside us enjoying the hot summer
 sun.  It was the day after our graduation.

	“Morgana?”  Josh spoke softly as he leaned over me,
 casting a slight shadow over my quickly tanning body.
	“Hmmm?”  I muttered, opening my eyes as I looked up at
 him.  Good Lord I was so in love with Josh, in fact I still am.
	“I got the letter this morning.  I’ve been accepted to
 the conservatory.”
	My eyes snapped open fully and I sat up a little, leaning
 on my elbow.
	“The one in Toronto?!” I asked, my voice betraying my
 fear.  Josh was an excellent musician, I just didn’t want him to
 have to go so far away.  Toronto was so far from the beautiful
 island I had called home for my entire life.
	He nodded.  Oh he looked so excited.  What could I do but
 smile and appear happy for him?  Meanwhile, my heart was sinking
 deep into the burning sand.
	“That’s great Josh.”  I replied with as much enthusiasm
 as I could muster.  Anne and Emily looked at me in amazement as
 if they had expected me to burst into tears.
	“Will you come with me Morgana?” he asked quietly.
	I stared at him a moment before replying, “Josh you know
 I can’t.  Father really needs me right now.  The fishery hasn’t
 been doing so well the past year or so, and I have that job in
 town at the store.  He needs that income right now.  You know
 that Josh.”
	“Well what will we do then Morgana?  If you’re not coming
 with me...”
	I knew where his sentence was leading, so I decided to
 cut him off before he could have the chance to finish it.
	“I guess we’ll just have to see each other as much as we
 possibly can.  We’ll have huge phone bills but we can make it
 through.”
	“Yeah Morgana we sure will.  It’s impossible to worry
 about when I’m around you.”
	“I know, it’s because you love me.”  I smiled at him,
 glad that I had at least temporarily solved our problems.  I
 still felt disturbed by the news, yet I did what all young
 lovers do.  I allowed myself to believe that it would all take
 care of itself.  Anne and Emily rolled back onto their own
 towels now that the excitement was over.

	It was then that Samantha and Allen returned.  Samantha
 ran up towards us all, kicking sand everywhere.  She always was
 one for making grand entrances.

“Morgana, Anne, Emily, Josh!  Look!!!” she exclaimed.
	We all sat up and crowded around as she held out her
 hand.  A diamond ring sparkled on her finger.  We had all
 expected it, yet in a way we hadn’t.
	“Allen proposed!” she shrieked excitedly. “And he’s been
 offered a job with his Uncle’s company out West.  We’re going to
 be married soon and then go to live there!  I’m SOOOO happy!!!!”

	She wrapped her arms around me.  She was still bouncing
 with excitement, I can remember it well.  Samantha and I had
 always had a certain sort of sisterhood, being the only two
 girls in the group with boyfriends.  We had shared tales of
 first kisses and romantic evenings.  We knew the intimate
 details about each other’s relationships and lives that not
 another soul on earth knew.  We’d always assumed that we would
 be there for each other when we finally crossed that bridge from
 girlfriend to fiancé.  Yet it seemed that she had crossed the
 bridge and left me standing alone on the shore.  Would she even
 be in Nova Scotia when Josh proposed to me?  Would Josh ever
 actually propose, or would we just drift apart?  My mind was
 filled with these questions that weighed heavy on my heart.

	The memory fades away with thoughts of congratulations
 for Allen and Samantha.  The only other memory I have of that
 day is of walking home in tears.  I had lost my best friend and
 my boyfriend all in one day.  Yet, they hadn’t truly left yet,
 and for that reason I feel reluctant to open my eyes and remind
 myself of where I am.  So I leave my eyes closed and allow more
 memories to flood over me.

	Samantha and Allen’s wedding was beautiful, yet I find
 that I can barely recall it.  I merely remember the beauty of
 the sunlit garden wedding held in Samantha’s backyard.  The sun
 was shining, the sky was so blue, and Samantha was radiant.  It
 contrasted so sharply with my own heart, blackened with jealousy
 and the pain of losing a dear friend.  

	They left only weeks after the wedding.  Their departure
 was soon followed by Anne’s, who had left to chase her dreams by
 backpacking across Europe.  She had dreamed of doing it since
 she was five years old.  I must admit that I was a little
 jealous, but even though I envied her, in my heart I knew that I
 wouldn’t want to do that with my life.  With Anne gone, I knew
 that Josh was soon to follow.

	He said goodbye to his family at home, before I picked
 him up to drive him to the airport.  Our farewell was tear
 filled.  But when Josh tenderly took me in his arms and said
 “Morgana this won’t change a thing.”  I believed him whole
 heartedly.

	It wasn’t going to change anything.  We would continue to
 talk on the phone, and as soon as I had enough money I would
 join him in Toronto.  In the meantime we would find some way to
 visit each other.  It wasn’t much, but at least it was hope, and
 that was all I needed.
        
        With Josh gone, I could take comfort only in the fact
 that Emily had not left.  We became quite close.  I would stay
 with her on nights that I knew my Father would be returning home
 in the arms of whatever prostitute he had found at the bar that
 night.  Well, perhaps that term is a bit unfair.  I don’t
 remember any money ever being passed between my Father and the
 women he brought home, but I rarely saw the same woman enter my
 house twice.  I always knew the nights when this would occur,
 for my Father would always call from the bar with his slurred
 speech to say that he was just having a round with the boys and
 not to wait supper on him.   I had been cooking supper for my
 father for nearly 10 years of my life and was always pleased
 that at least he would call.

	On such nights Emily and I would sometimes go to the
 cliffs and sit there, staring out at the nothingness.  We would
 talk about our hopes and dreams.  Mine were always bound up in
 marrying Josh and caring for him in the wifely manner that I had
 already been doing for my Father for years.  Despite all my
 education it was really the only life I had ever known.  My
 recipe for battered fish was the envy of every housewife in
 town, my house was always kept immaculately clean and my
 Father’s good shirts were always perfectly pressed.  There was
 no eighteen year old woman more prepared to settle for being a
 housewife than I.  It was one similarity that Samantha and I had
 always shared.  This fact just made me miss her all the more
 everytime Emily and I talked.  

	Emily on the other hand, wanted to be an author.  The
 things she would write were always incredible and full of
 insight.  It always amazed me at how she could bring to life
 something that didn’t exist, and that never had existed.  I
 found it so easy to get lost in her stories, and her poetry
 always managed to move me.  She had a story or two published
 from time to time, but her greatest desire was to write a book.
  She always complained that she just couldn’t get the right sort
 of inspiration here in Nova Scotia.

	I suppose knowing this I shouldn’t have been surprised
 when Emily was finally given her chance.  I was home alone, as
 usual, when there came this frantic knocking upon my front door.
  I answered it to find Emily standing there, her face flushed
 with excitement.

        “Morgana!  Morgana!  My sister, the one in New York has
 just called.  Her roommate just moved out, so she has an extra
 room now and wants to know if I’ll move in.  This is it!  This
 is what I’ve been waiting for all along!  My inspiration!”
	I stood dumb founded in my doorway.  “Emily you can’t,
 you can’t go and leave me here all alone!” I cried.

	“Then come with me!” she said excitedly.  “We’ll wander
 the streets of New York together!  Nothing will stop us!  Two
 women of the world!! It’ll be perfect!  We’ll be so free!!!”

	“Oh Emily, I can’t.  What if Josh comes home?  I’ve
 almost saved enough money to go out there and be with him.”  I
 said quietly.  I very much wanted to go with her, yet something
 was holding me back and I wasn’t entirely sure that it was Josh.

	“Morgana, you’ve got to get off this island.  The
 seclusion is driving you insane, it’s driving us both insane.”

	“I just want to be with Josh and live a quiet simple life
 that’s all.  Really, we’ll be happy here.”  I replied more
 quietly than before.

	“Oh, well then I’m glad for you Morgana,” she said,
 although her eyes were so sad as she hugged me.  I wasn’t
 certain why she looked so sad then, but now I know.

	I open my eyes.  I feel that by doing this I am almost
 welcoming in the pain of the next memory which is but a few
 weeks old.  Emily knew something I did not at the time.  But now
 that I know, the words still ring in my ears.

	Josh called me no more than two weeks ago, and all I keep
 hearing of the two hour phone conversation is “Morgana, there’s
 someone else.”  Such few words.  Three, four, I’m not even
 thinking clearly enough to determine how many there are.  It
 doesn’t realy matter.  The point is that one mere sentence could
 bring my world to an end, and it has.

	In the past fourteen days I’ve been slowly dying.  I’ve
 considered calling Emily, to take her up on the offer she made
 months ago, but for some reason I just have not been able to do
 it.  Something has still been holding me back.  I know it’s not
 my Father, his women will take care of him, there’s no doubt in
 my mind over that.  But then again, none of this matters at all.
  I’m not going to make any calls and I am certainly not going to
 go to my Father to try to rid myself of this desperate aching
 pain I feel.  I’ve lost my love, I’ve lost my friends, but worst
 of all I’ve lost my hopes and dreams.  

	I inch closer to the edge of the cliff.  When I decided
 to do this I thought I’d be crying.  I thought I’d be terrified
 and screaming before I ever made it to the edge.  Yet I feel
 amazingly calm.  I’m barely having to steel my nerves at all. 
 I’m so aware of everything that’s around me, from the ground
 beneath my bare feet to the gentle breeze around me.  Even the
 rain has stopped and the sun is shining.  I can smell the salt
 water from the ocean below as if I was right there.  I catch
 myself wondering if any other soul has ever seen a more
 beautiful sight.  God it seems such a long way down from here.

      Then suddenly it hits me.  I finally realize what has  been
 holding me back all this time.  The hot sandy beaches, the blue
 sky, and the sparkling ocean waters are what’s been keeping me
 back.  Here amongst the craggy cliffs and soft green grass is
 where I belong.  It has been the reason why I could never leave.
  This land has been the strength beneath me all these years. 
 Now that I know this perhaps I can use this newfound feeling to
 get myself through this difficult time in my life.  Perhaps I
 will get a home, out near the beach, far away from it all.  Yes. 
 There I can enjoy the sunlight, the crash of the waves and even
 the rain.

	I turn carefully from the edge of the cliff when suddenly
 the ground beneath me starts to give.  I scream as I lose my
 balance.  My entire body slips backwards from the edge of the
 cliff.  It’s almost as if the air has cradled me in it’s hands
 and carried me out over the edge.  My dress flutters in the
 wind, the fall seems to be taking forever.  I keep expecting to
 see my life flash before my eyes, yet it doesn’t, it’s amazingly
 clear and I feel that I am seeing things as I have never seen
 them before.  I am filled with as sense of peace, for at last
 the land is mine and I am the land’s. 

© 1997 blackwing@sk.sympatico.ca


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