I don’t know what brought me here, to this place in
specific, perhaps it is the cold, unforgiving grip of the day.
I’ve always found November to be a depressing month. It seems
this year is worse. I feel like I’m the only soul left here in
the entire province of Nova Scotia. I feel so empty, yet I
can’t seem to help notice the beauty of my surroundings. My
bare feet gently grip the hard broken earth beneath me. Another
foot forward and I would be dancing with the cloudy mist off the
edge of this cliff. It continues to rain, although only a
little. The raindrops remind me of tears, the tears that my
eyes will no longer cry. It’s windy here as well, although I
suppose that is to be expected when one is standing on top of a
cliff. The wind blows around my slightly rain soaked dress.
God it seems ridiculous to have dressed up like this, it’s just
that, it’s just that I want to look good when they...
No I mustn’t think of that now least I lose my nerve.
The water below looks cold, but at least this pool below is free
of the large rocks and stones I saw everywhere else. They say,
oh why should I mind what they say, this is about me! For once
in my life I’m going to do something without allowing my
decision to be polluted by the opinions of others. Yet it’s
hard, so hard, to do so when it is thoughts of them, my family,
and friends that fill my mind.
I say family and friends, yet do they deserve such noble
titles anymore? In fact, my family is anything but noble. My
Mother departed this world upon my birth, and my Father is a
raving alcoholic. I feel ashamed to even consider calling such
weak characters family.
As for my friends, oh these are memories to painful to
bare. I can feel the tears rolling down my cheeks once more.
Just when I thought I could cry no more,my tears betray me. I
once had friends, and now it seems all I have left is this craggy
forlorn cliff. I don’t even know how it all happened. We were
always so close, the six of us, Joshua, Allen, Samantha, Anne,
Emily, and I. We were together our whole lives, since
kindergarten at least. Our fathers would go fishing together,
sometimes staying out late into the night. On other occassions
all the families would join together for cards. My Father was
always short a partner, so sometimes I’d play too. I thought
life would always be that way. I thought the six of us would
always be together, forever.
I close my eyes, letting the memories surround me. I can
feel it as the sun peeks out from behind the clouds, and I
remember that day on the beach.
I was lying there next to Joshua. He was mine, he had
been for as long as any of us could remember. Josh and Morgana,
Morgana and Josh. We went together like the sun and the sky.
Samantha and Allen had disappeared off together for a few
moments, Anne and Emily lay beside us enjoying the hot summer
sun. It was the day after our graduation.
“Morgana?” Josh spoke softly as he leaned over me,
casting a slight shadow over my quickly tanning body.
“Hmmm?” I muttered, opening my eyes as I looked up at
him. Good Lord I was so in love with Josh, in fact I still am.
“I got the letter this morning. I’ve been accepted to
the conservatory.”
My eyes snapped open fully and I sat up a little, leaning
on my elbow.
“The one in Toronto?!” I asked, my voice betraying my
fear. Josh was an excellent musician, I just didn’t want him to
have to go so far away. Toronto was so far from the beautiful
island I had called home for my entire life.
He nodded. Oh he looked so excited. What could I do but
smile and appear happy for him? Meanwhile, my heart was sinking
deep into the burning sand.
“That’s great Josh.” I replied with as much enthusiasm
as I could muster. Anne and Emily looked at me in amazement as
if they had expected me to burst into tears.
“Will you come with me Morgana?” he asked quietly.
I stared at him a moment before replying, “Josh you know
I can’t. Father really needs me right now. The fishery hasn’t
been doing so well the past year or so, and I have that job in
town at the store. He needs that income right now. You know
that Josh.”
“Well what will we do then Morgana? If you’re not coming
with me...”
I knew where his sentence was leading, so I decided to
cut him off before he could have the chance to finish it.
“I guess we’ll just have to see each other as much as we
possibly can. We’ll have huge phone bills but we can make it
through.”
“Yeah Morgana we sure will. It’s impossible to worry
about when I’m around you.”
“I know, it’s because you love me.” I smiled at him,
glad that I had at least temporarily solved our problems. I
still felt disturbed by the news, yet I did what all young
lovers do. I allowed myself to believe that it would all take
care of itself. Anne and Emily rolled back onto their own
towels now that the excitement was over.
It was then that Samantha and Allen returned. Samantha
ran up towards us all, kicking sand everywhere. She always was
one for making grand entrances.
“Morgana, Anne, Emily, Josh! Look!!!” she exclaimed.
We all sat up and crowded around as she held out her
hand. A diamond ring sparkled on her finger. We had all
expected it, yet in a way we hadn’t.
“Allen proposed!” she shrieked excitedly. “And he’s been
offered a job with his Uncle’s company out West. We’re going to
be married soon and then go to live there! I’m SOOOO happy!!!!”
She wrapped her arms around me. She was still bouncing
with excitement, I can remember it well. Samantha and I had
always had a certain sort of sisterhood, being the only two
girls in the group with boyfriends. We had shared tales of
first kisses and romantic evenings. We knew the intimate
details about each other’s relationships and lives that not
another soul on earth knew. We’d always assumed that we would
be there for each other when we finally crossed that bridge from
girlfriend to fiancé. Yet it seemed that she had crossed the
bridge and left me standing alone on the shore. Would she even
be in Nova Scotia when Josh proposed to me? Would Josh ever
actually propose, or would we just drift apart? My mind was
filled with these questions that weighed heavy on my heart.
The memory fades away with thoughts of congratulations
for Allen and Samantha. The only other memory I have of that
day is of walking home in tears. I had lost my best friend and
my boyfriend all in one day. Yet, they hadn’t truly left yet,
and for that reason I feel reluctant to open my eyes and remind
myself of where I am. So I leave my eyes closed and allow more
memories to flood over me.
Samantha and Allen’s wedding was beautiful, yet I find
that I can barely recall it. I merely remember the beauty of
the sunlit garden wedding held in Samantha’s backyard. The sun
was shining, the sky was so blue, and Samantha was radiant. It
contrasted so sharply with my own heart, blackened with jealousy
and the pain of losing a dear friend.
They left only weeks after the wedding. Their departure
was soon followed by Anne’s, who had left to chase her dreams by
backpacking across Europe. She had dreamed of doing it since
she was five years old. I must admit that I was a little
jealous, but even though I envied her, in my heart I knew that I
wouldn’t want to do that with my life. With Anne gone, I knew
that Josh was soon to follow.
He said goodbye to his family at home, before I picked
him up to drive him to the airport. Our farewell was tear
filled. But when Josh tenderly took me in his arms and said
“Morgana this won’t change a thing.” I believed him whole
heartedly.
It wasn’t going to change anything. We would continue to
talk on the phone, and as soon as I had enough money I would
join him in Toronto. In the meantime we would find some way to
visit each other. It wasn’t much, but at least it was hope, and
that was all I needed.
With Josh gone, I could take comfort only in the fact
that Emily had not left. We became quite close. I would stay
with her on nights that I knew my Father would be returning home
in the arms of whatever prostitute he had found at the bar that
night. Well, perhaps that term is a bit unfair. I don’t
remember any money ever being passed between my Father and the
women he brought home, but I rarely saw the same woman enter my
house twice. I always knew the nights when this would occur,
for my Father would always call from the bar with his slurred
speech to say that he was just having a round with the boys and
not to wait supper on him. I had been cooking supper for my
father for nearly 10 years of my life and was always pleased
that at least he would call.
On such nights Emily and I would sometimes go to the
cliffs and sit there, staring out at the nothingness. We would
talk about our hopes and dreams. Mine were always bound up in
marrying Josh and caring for him in the wifely manner that I had
already been doing for my Father for years. Despite all my
education it was really the only life I had ever known. My
recipe for battered fish was the envy of every housewife in
town, my house was always kept immaculately clean and my
Father’s good shirts were always perfectly pressed. There was
no eighteen year old woman more prepared to settle for being a
housewife than I. It was one similarity that Samantha and I had
always shared. This fact just made me miss her all the more
everytime Emily and I talked.
Emily on the other hand, wanted to be an author. The
things she would write were always incredible and full of
insight. It always amazed me at how she could bring to life
something that didn’t exist, and that never had existed. I
found it so easy to get lost in her stories, and her poetry
always managed to move me. She had a story or two published
from time to time, but her greatest desire was to write a book.
She always complained that she just couldn’t get the right sort
of inspiration here in Nova Scotia.
I suppose knowing this I shouldn’t have been surprised
when Emily was finally given her chance. I was home alone, as
usual, when there came this frantic knocking upon my front door.
I answered it to find Emily standing there, her face flushed
with excitement.
“Morgana! Morgana! My sister, the one in New York has
just called. Her roommate just moved out, so she has an extra
room now and wants to know if I’ll move in. This is it! This
is what I’ve been waiting for all along! My inspiration!”
I stood dumb founded in my doorway. “Emily you can’t,
you can’t go and leave me here all alone!” I cried.
“Then come with me!” she said excitedly. “We’ll wander
the streets of New York together! Nothing will stop us! Two
women of the world!! It’ll be perfect! We’ll be so free!!!”
“Oh Emily, I can’t. What if Josh comes home? I’ve
almost saved enough money to go out there and be with him.” I
said quietly. I very much wanted to go with her, yet something
was holding me back and I wasn’t entirely sure that it was Josh.
“Morgana, you’ve got to get off this island. The
seclusion is driving you insane, it’s driving us both insane.”
“I just want to be with Josh and live a quiet simple life
that’s all. Really, we’ll be happy here.” I replied more
quietly than before.
“Oh, well then I’m glad for you Morgana,” she said,
although her eyes were so sad as she hugged me. I wasn’t
certain why she looked so sad then, but now I know.
I open my eyes. I feel that by doing this I am almost
welcoming in the pain of the next memory which is but a few
weeks old. Emily knew something I did not at the time. But now
that I know, the words still ring in my ears.
Josh called me no more than two weeks ago, and all I keep
hearing of the two hour phone conversation is “Morgana, there’s
someone else.” Such few words. Three, four, I’m not even
thinking clearly enough to determine how many there are. It
doesn’t realy matter. The point is that one mere sentence could
bring my world to an end, and it has.
In the past fourteen days I’ve been slowly dying. I’ve
considered calling Emily, to take her up on the offer she made
months ago, but for some reason I just have not been able to do
it. Something has still been holding me back. I know it’s not
my Father, his women will take care of him, there’s no doubt in
my mind over that. But then again, none of this matters at all.
I’m not going to make any calls and I am certainly not going to
go to my Father to try to rid myself of this desperate aching
pain I feel. I’ve lost my love, I’ve lost my friends, but worst
of all I’ve lost my hopes and dreams.
I inch closer to the edge of the cliff. When I decided
to do this I thought I’d be crying. I thought I’d be terrified
and screaming before I ever made it to the edge. Yet I feel
amazingly calm. I’m barely having to steel my nerves at all.
I’m so aware of everything that’s around me, from the ground
beneath my bare feet to the gentle breeze around me. Even the
rain has stopped and the sun is shining. I can smell the salt
water from the ocean below as if I was right there. I catch
myself wondering if any other soul has ever seen a more
beautiful sight. God it seems such a long way down from here.
Then suddenly it hits me. I finally realize what has been
holding me back all this time. The hot sandy beaches, the blue
sky, and the sparkling ocean waters are what’s been keeping me
back. Here amongst the craggy cliffs and soft green grass is
where I belong. It has been the reason why I could never leave.
This land has been the strength beneath me all these years.
Now that I know this perhaps I can use this newfound feeling to
get myself through this difficult time in my life. Perhaps I
will get a home, out near the beach, far away from it all. Yes.
There I can enjoy the sunlight, the crash of the waves and even
the rain.
I turn carefully from the edge of the cliff when suddenly
the ground beneath me starts to give. I scream as I lose my
balance. My entire body slips backwards from the edge of the
cliff. It’s almost as if the air has cradled me in it’s hands
and carried me out over the edge. My dress flutters in the
wind, the fall seems to be taking forever. I keep expecting to
see my life flash before my eyes, yet it doesn’t, it’s amazingly
clear and I feel that I am seeing things as I have never seen
them before. I am filled with as sense of peace, for at last
the land is mine and I am the land’s.
© 1997 blackwing@sk.sympatico.ca
Get your own Free Home Page