Chapter 19

Jax ran anxiously toward the surf. Ahead of him Shea was wading into the ocean at full speed. He pushed himself into high gear to catch up to her. This probably wasn't good for him. He thought about the miserable flu he'd just recovered from and growled under his breath. This would end up landing him right back in bed without a doubt. His resistance was just about nil right now.

He finally reached Shea and grabbed her around her waist. She was crying hysterically, and Jax realized that something had snapped. She was calling for Sean, whoever that was, then for Jim again. For a second he could have sworn she mumbled Jerry through her clenched teeth. He was in no position to dwell on the thought. Shea was thrashing and ranting like a banshee.

"Let me GO! Get your hands OFF of me!" She writhed so spasmodically that Jax had his hands full.

He fought to keep her arms at her sides, but the water crashing into them was making it quite the chore. Twisting suddenly as another wave caught them, Shea drew back a doubled fist and punched Jax squarely in the jaw. The shock of it along with the water threw him backward. The storm was raging full force overhead, making the ocean churn up five to six foot waves. Jax looked up in horror as another swell came bearing down hard on them both. Knowing he had no time to stand, he could only roll over to let his back take the force of the blow.

He came up sputtering for air and coughing up saltwater. He looked frantically for Shea while he quickly made his way back to the shore. He saw her climbing up the outcropped rock. Panic jolted through him.

He stumbled toward the rock, trying to get the last of the saltwater from his mouth as he did. The wave had also knocked the wind out of him, making him lightheaded. The images he kept seeing were all too familiar of the night his life essentially ended. He would NOT lose Shea the way he lost Brenda.

A rush of anger helped to propel him up the rock. Shea was just reaching the top when he caught up to her. She stood up and teetered slightly in the wind. Jax doubled over, breath hitching in his lungs, as a cramp formed in his side from the climbing. He forced himself up behind her and grabbed her shoulders.

"Shea! Please stop and listen to me!"

She wrenched her arms trying to pull away.

"Shea! You can't do this! You have to stay strong!"

"Dinna tell me what I have ta do! I'm tired! I'm sick of losing people! I canna take anymore of it!" She glared at him furiously and her brogue grew thick with the intensity of her rage.

"You don't have to deal with it alone! I'm here! I'll help you Shea! Let me help you!"

"Get away! Dinna touch me!"

"Shea, please! I know where you are right now! I've been there too, remember? Shea, I can help you if you'll let me..."

"You dinna know SHIT Jax! It's no the same thing..."

Jax's eyes flared at the implication of her words.

"I lost someone too! I've been betrayed as well. I DO know what I'm talking about! Brenda and I were to be married the next day! I saw her! I held her in my arms! Then I couldn't hold onto her! The tide pulled her away from me! I LET HER GO! Don't you think that kills me every minute that I breathe? YOU didn't deal with that Shea... YOU were thrown from the car... Jim's death wasn't your fault..." Jax held his hands out to her palms up in supplication. The tears were coursing down his face, hidden amongst the raindrops.

"Brenda's death was my fault in so many ways, but I live with it! So many things were there as warning signals, but I ignored them. So many fucking things that I just should have done, but didn't. This is what I live with Shea! I live with it because should haves and what ifs are useless and a waste of time. Brenda wouldn't want that from me and Jim wouldn't want that from you either..."

Jax trailed off, at a loss. Shea just shook. She couldn't let him get to her. Jim was dead, Sean was Jerry, and nothing in her life made sense anymore. Seeing her still struggling to distance herself, Jax became even more incensed.

"Fine Shea... Just jump. Jump and leave me here to mourn someone else. Leave everyone who loves you without a second thought. You know what that makes you? A selfish bitch." He dropped his head and his shoulders slumped. He knew no other way to make her understand.

Shea's heart stopped. Jax loved her? He cared about her? Where had this come from? He barely knew her. Of course the answer was right there in front of her as soon as the question formed. He loved her the same way she loved him. There was a bond there that no other person could begin to fathom. Even she couldn't explain it. When she thought about it though, they both had something strikingly in common. They were orphans. Their other halves were gone. Just one orphan clinging to another, praying for a glimpse of hope again. Slowly she held up a hand to touch his face.

"Jax I..."

He shrugged her off, then grabbed her hand and squeezed it hard enough to make her wince. His eyes blazed fiercely at her through the rain.

"Don't. If you don't plan on investing in this camaraderie, don't. I'm not going to put my feelings on the line for you if you plan on throwing your life away. I'm leaving this ball in your court Shea. You make a decision right now and stick with it, or so help me I'll kill you myself..."

Jax’s voice caught at the end and Shea began to reach out to him again. The rain and chill must be taking a hold on her. She felt hot and sick to her stomach. She didn't understand why her mind was so hazy and confused. She didn't know what made her say or do the things she just had. Her eyes seemed to fog as she watched Jax's mouth moving. His voiced seemed so far off...

Jax studied Shea's face. Her eyes glazed over slightly and he began to worry. She tried to focus on him, that much he could tell, but it seemed like her world was swirling around her. She tried to move toward him, find an anchor in him, but her legs didn't want to comply. Jax, seeing her sway erratically, lurched forward to steady her. In trying to help her, he lost his balance as well. Time slowed down to an agonizing crawl as they both realized falling was inevitable. They clawed at each other as though trying to grasp onto anything to keep from hitting the water below. The oddity that registered in Jax's mind was that Shea didn't scream. It seemed like minutes passed before the concrete-like surface of the ocean slammed against their bodies.

The darkness that overtook them at impact was swift and absolute.