Jokes!!!
A duck walks into a bar and asks "got any crackers?"
bartender says no. Duck walks out. Duck walks in the next day and asks, "got any crackers?" bartender says no. Duck walks out. Duck walks in the next day and asks got any crackers?
Bartender says, "I told you yesterday and the day before that no! and if you ask that one more time Ill nail your beak shut!" Duck walks out. Duck comes back the next day and asks, "got any nails?" bartender says no. Duck says "good. Got any crackers?"
There was a guy who just got out of a really bad divorce with his wife. One day, he found a genie's lamp. The genie came out and said," Hello master. I will grant you three wishes but, what ever you wish for your wife gets double. "The guy didn't like that part but he made a wish anyway. For his first wish, he said, "Genie, I want a house in Hawaii." POOF!!! He got one house, his wife got two. This didn't make him happy but, he made his second wish. "genie, I want 2 billion dollars." POOF! He got two billion, his wife four billion. By now, this guy isn't very happy. The genie says, "You have one wish left. I have to remind you, what ever you wish for your wife gets double." The guy says," Yeah, yeah. I know." So the guy thinks real hard and says " I got it! Genie, beat me half to death!!
A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home. Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him. The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy is groggy and quite drunk. The man helps Mr. Murphy to his feet and Mr. Murphy falls to the floor in a heap. "Jeez," the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there he leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys. Mr. Murphy slides down to the ground. The man finds his keys and manages to get Murphy positioned in the car. He then drives to the address the bartender gave him. He opens the passenger door and helps Mr. Murphy out and the guy falls to the ground. Cursing softly, now, the man helps him to his feet and practically drags him to the front door. He lets go of Mr. Murphy to knock on the door and the guy falls down again. He helps him to his feet as Mrs. Murphy answers the door. "Hi, Mrs. Murphy, Your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride home." "That was nice of you," she says, looking around, "But where's his wheelchair?"
Two nerds were standing in the park. One had a new bike. The other said, "Nice bike. How much?" The first said , "It was free." The other asked, "Wow, how did you get it for free?" The one with the bike said," Yesterday a beautiful girl rode up on this bike, took off all her clothes and told me I could have anything I wanted." The other nerd said, "Good move! Her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway"
An elderly couple was traveling across country. The old lady was driving and she gets pulled over by a highway patrolman....
Patrolman: "Mam...you were speeding." Old lady (looking at husband, asks): "WHAT'D HE SAY?" Old man (yelling): "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING!" Patrolman: "May I see your license please." Old lady (asking husband again): "WHAT'D HE SAY?" Old man: "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR DRIVER LISCENSE!" Old woman hands patrolman her license. Patrolman: " Ahhh. I see you're from Arkansas....I visited there once. Had some of the worst sex I've ever had with several women there." Old woman (asks husband again): "WHAT'D HE SAY?" Old man: "HE SAID HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!!!"
I'll have more jokes in a few days...So come back soon.
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