Inside My Head
This page is devoted to the brain that resides in my head and
all of the strange and interesting neural impulses it produces.

Tuesday July 21, 1998

I got some email from a "fan" a couple of days ago and, after I was done reading it, I thought: "I fuckin' like this guy!"
The reply I sent him follows..

> sometimes it's difficult to communicate by word only, when there is no
> voice or inflection to add to the meaning of your words. you, on the
> oter hand don't have that problem communicating..your words seem to come
> from honesty. i have good friends that i do not have as much insite to
> as i do to you. my webtv does not let me hear your voice,and of course i
> could not hear your interview. but, in reading what you wrote i
> distinctly heard your voice change with emotion. you have alot to say. i
> think there is alot you do not say!!!

A lot, no. A little, yes. For the first few months my page was up, nothing
happened that would prevent me from putting it on my page. That changed
some
time this past February. Once I realized my web page was a reflection of
myself, I thought that I might start to use it as a direct representation of myself.
However, just like any other reflection, it isn't perfect, nor is it complete. I don't
want others to get the wrong idea about me before I have a chance to explain
myself or show more of who I am. It's a defense against that natural human urge
to quickly draw a conclusion about someone from only a few known facts. Also,
when you FIRST get to know someone, you don't tell them the shittiest things
about yourself before they really get to know you, do you??? So, yes, there are
some things I have left out about my recent adventures.

> you let your hurt show and you let your insecurities show. yet i come
> away from reading about you and i think you are the only
> non-exhibitionist who has a page..

Hmm.. actually, I would consider myself more of an exhibitionist than most,
no? Or maybe you mean someone who isn't trying to 'show off' or make money
off of a web page like mine. That trashes the whole spirit of my page, and
it is something I refuse to do. In another context, possibly, but I have
other things I would rather do. I get off on being different sometimes. To
know that I can do all of this just for the sake of discussion, pursuit of
knowledge, or whatever may become of it. I should admit, however, that once
I realized this page was a reflection of myself, I have been hopeful that
it would lead to meeting someone. I have received a lot of messages from
women/girls who are interested. But, God forbid they live anywhere near me.
I even got a message from Amylynne of Keyholecams.com and have exchanged
email many times since. She has a boyfriend and all, but its flattering
nonetheless.

The thing I like most about all of this is the interesting messages I get
from people like yourself. I don't do it nesessarily because I like to be
watched. It is kinda fun sometimes of course.. It's the whole package.
Yes, I let all of my shit show, which I think is what singles me out from
all of the rest out there. In general, it is very difficult to do for
anyone. But I know *I* can do it and that it is unusual, and that makes it
all the more enjoyable. My motivations for sharing my thoughts and such aren't
always for the purpose of discussion and the like. It can also be
therapeutic. That's a large part of what therapy is - laying you thoughts
out before you and analyzing them. Where do you start? By going through
all of them. To get the big picture of anything, you have to look at it all.

> even though you exhibit yourself in
> uncommon way...uncommon not meaning unnatural, but uncommonly honest. i
> am amazed at the samples you sited from people who have emailed
> you..their thoughts are similar to mine...so much for me being an
> individual!!!!

Yeah.. yer just like all the rest of 'em.. But that's a GOOD thing! :-)
Naa.. don't fret. YOUR form of expression has been unlike anyone else who has
contacted me.

> i even took notes as i was reading. i loved your "tip of
> the stick " analogy. do you not keep the camon while you sleep because
> of the gay thing?

No, but the thought can kill my sex drive for a while. :-) The main reason
I don't have it on all night is because it's DARK. Yes, the Quick cam can
see very well in dimly lit areas, but not in almost complete darkness. Why
not turn a light on?? CUZ I'M SLEEPIN'!
Also, I get up at 5am during the week and the sun isn't even close to being
up at that hour. When I DO leave it on at night, its on the weekends
because I sleep 'til 9, 10, 11, or 12 and the sun is up so you can see me.
Shit, I guess if I got enough email from people who just like the fact that
they know I'm laying there sleeping and don't care if they can see me or
not, then maybe I'd leave it on at night.

> you don't want anyone watching while you are vulnerable, and not in
> control.

Obviously, as I explained above, that's not the case.. Bottom line, I AM in
control and I am completely safe. Ain't nobody gonna reach through that
camera and grab me. Although, I know of a lot of people who would want to
if they could. :-)

> why do you think you are not attractive?

Well, I certainly don't feel that way now.. But before.. I didn't feel like
I wasn't attractive, but I wondered because I was never approached along
with things I discussed where that issue is found elsewhere in my page. I
think I explained myself about that before enough so I feel I would be
redundant if I went into it again.

> by the way you photgraph much larger. i would have guessed you wer over
> 6ft.

Yeah, that is an issue that is common with me and pictures. I have had
people tell me that before - people who had seen me in a picture and then
met me. I'm not a real big guy. Put the numbers together with my picture and you can
get a good idea. I'm not a shrimp, though!

> i think it is very funny that you mention REAL WORLD...before you brought
> it up i thought you would be
> perfect for it!!!

THANK YOU! So do I! I KNEW I shoulda put my web page on my tape..
They might have looked at me closer if they saw the web page I had created. I made a
couple of mistakes on my intro tape including that one. Who knows how
different things would have been. I may not have the job I have now (MAY
have gotten it once I got back), would not have gone to Guatemala (and many
other places to come..at least yet), and I wouldn't be living in the nice
place I am now.
At the time, I was pretty confident I would get the job I have now if I
didn't get on the show, I still didn't know for sure though. And if I DID
get on the show, I knew great things would be in-store for my future. I
looked at it as a win/win situation. Everything except "the girl". As I
said in a previous diary entry, I don't think I would have strived to have a
relationship out there in Seattle because I was sure I would want to come
back home and I would have to bring her with me but she would have to want
to come. So, no chics for Ryan for at least 6 months.. It worked out that
way anyway cuz I am still single. Hmmm....shit.

> you know i taped the entire "from earth to the moon"
> to watch it for 1 entire marathon this winter when i did not want to
> leave my apt....and i never got the last installment. i fucked up my vcr
> twice. i hope they repeat it before the winter so i can finish
> taping..

My God, why are you depriving yourself of such an experience??? No instant
gratification for you, huh??? I don't know if they would repeat it. They
will most likely sell it on video if they already aren't

> we have similar musical likes. did i cover enough? i amsure i am
> not the first stranger to take interest in you based on your website.

You certainly aren't. I have almost 500 messages from people who have
responded to me because of my web page. I got voice messages from about, I
think, 8 different people when I had my voicemail/pager deal goin' for
about a two weeks. I even got a message from a guy named "Pete" who left me
his number. I think he had a girl that left him or something and wanted to
chat. I wanted to call him back but I lost his number when I left DHHS back
in January. So, if you see this Pete, email me!

> does it do any good for you? do you get something from this.

Absolutely on both questions. I think the biggest plus that has come from
this would be my self esteem. I feel a lot better about myself physically
and intellectually. People really do like how I look, what I have to say,
and what I think. You may think that my head is over inflated because of
the attention I have received, but that is not the case at all. I don't
care what anyone says about that. I am humble and I know it. I always have
been and I always will be.
NOBODY likes a conceited bastard...

> do you maintain any relationships from annonymus email or do people just pass
> in the night?

I would say only about half of the email messages I have received, maybe a
little more, have been anonymous. There are plenty of people who are not
afraid of showing me their real names.. And, quite frankly, there have been
many who have not been afraid of showing me a hell of a lot more! I talk to
some of the same people from time to time. I just simply don't have the
time to keep in touch with lots and lots of people. Everyone I have been
contacted by seems to realize that. It seems that most assume they will
never hear from me. There have been a couple that I haven't replied to, but
the vast majority hear from me. Some are quite surprised that I wrote back.
Hey, what would I do without my fans! :-) I gotta have good PR! I have been
contacted by quite a few nice, good looking women. But they are ALWAYS too
far away or just lookin' to say hi (but mostly too far away). I have
considered long distance relationships but, seriously, even if I could be
persuaded to do that, the distance would have to be reasonable. I am really
not looking for that at all, regardless. Shit, I don't have a girlfriend
now. How good is one gonna do me if she isn't HERE??? Having one miles and
miles away is almost the same as not having one at all and, sometimes, even
WORSE. I tell ya though, after Amylynne emailed me I began to think
"Hmmm... Massachusetts isn't all that far from Maryland. Hmmm...". But,
like I said before, she has a boyfriend so forget it..

I think some people don't email me because they don't think they will hear
from me. The last few months before I moved my web page a month ago, I was
getting about a message, MAYBE two, a week (surprised?). I do what I can,
but it isn't easy keeping up with people.

> there's alot here. i guess my questions will be answered
> inthe way you respond to this..just answers or do you have questions?

Yes there is.. my brain needs a rest. Keep 'em comin'.. Naa.. just answers.
You can do the questions. I have written enough as it is.
Later dude...

Saturday January 24, 1998

This is the reply I sent to a message I got a few days ago from someone who sent me some feedback. There are a few things I said in the reply expressing a few thoughts I had and I thought I would share them with you all. The message follows in it's entirety:


> Is one of the best home cam pages I have seen. (Honest!)

Hey now... those are some pretty strong words. You sure about that...

> Anyway, before I end up rambling on...I have to tell you that your page
> literally struck my heart. You present yourself as you are, without
> holding anything back. Your openness is refreshing. In fact, I never got
> to the camera until today, I was so busy reading what you had written...
>

It is certainly nice to hear that people are interested.. and quite a few
are. I'm glad you like it. I can certainly admit that it takes some guts on
my part to make this stuff known. I know quite a big number of people these
days. It's a little un-nerving seeing some of these people at parties and
such and knowing that they know some of my deepest feelings. You have to
ask yourself, though, what does it matter? Think about it. As long as you
know yourself very well and you are confident in who you are, then you can
block out other people's criticisms and nobody can touch you. It takes
strength and, fortunately, that is something that I have.

> Did I come here looking for skin? Well... no (maybe a little) Mainly, I

Awww.. admit it.. of course you did (not mine, of course). :-)

> But, I definitely got much more
> than what I expected. I got to meet someone new and see them as a person
> like myself. Not just a show put on for the sake of vanity or for the
> sake of making lots of money. (Or perhaps, for the sake of
> exhibitionism)

Well, I guess we all have our own reasons. I'll share a little something
with you: I have always felt 'different' than most people. I'm sure many
people can relate. I don't mean in a negative way nowadays, although it has
felt that way in the past from time to time when I was a lot younger. As a
result of this fact, I have often wondered how other people feel about what
*I* think. The only way to find out is to get some opinions... and that is
what I am doing. Maybe it comes from that natural human urge to find our
place amongst others. To judge who we are, we have to adhere to some
standard of measurement and that standard of measurement is the rest of
humanity. You can think the world of yourself, but it is up to the rest of
humanity to decide that.

> Anyway...(I'm rambling again!) I just wanted to tell you to keep up the
> great work!

Well, shit, Lee... if you were rambling, you do so quite well. I hope you
can ramble to me again sometime. Thanks for the comments.

- Ryan

Wednesday December 31, 1997

There have been some things that have happened recently that are making me think about scraping my web page. I have been thinking quite it bit lately about many aspects surrounding it and myself. I am beginning to wonder if I should continue to share exactly how I feel with everyone. Does anyone really care? Do they really want to know? I have to consider what leads people to my page in the first place. What motivates people to goto Homecams in the first place. What motivated you? My assumption is that most people are just looking to see a little or a lot of skin. Alas, that was my intention as well when I first found the site. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this in my view. But, if that is the case for most people, then why would they be interested in how I feel? Who wants to be involved with the trials and tribulations of others, namely, myself??? Who really wants to know that I am not feeling well, that my emotional state is very unstable? Who wants to care??? It all boils down to why people come to my page in the first place. If their objective is not fulfilled then they will go elsewhere. I have received almost nothing but positive feedback and have engaged in lots of stimulating and intellectual conversation. I have enjoyed this experience thus far.
However, it has gotten steadily more difficult to place myself in view of the world... My latest troubles began early last week. I had to goto sleep really early last Monday night so I could get up real early and goto work so I could make it back home in time for an appointment. It took a while but I finally got to sleep. Then my cell phone rang -- I forgot to turn off the damn ringer. It woke me, of course, and I grabbed it to see who it was (the Sprint phones all have caller ID built in). It was the home number of my fuckin' ex-fiancé. It was clear she was home for the holidays. I stared at it for a bit and let it ring until it stopped. I put it down, cursed a few times, rolled over, and tried to go back to sleep. I never did. I was up the whole damn night. Just the fact that she was trying to get in touch with me put my mind on spin cycle. I was certain her reason for trying to contact me was to give me my ring back as well as anything else of mine that she had which, I knew, wasn't much. Honestly, I really don't care to get the ring back. That thing is worth $2,200. You know what?? I don't give a shit. It means nothing to me anymore. I have even thought about stashing a little note in in the box along with the ring and throwing it somewhere where someone might find it. Maybe they could use it to bring more joy to their lives than it ever could to mine.
The next incident happened when I was on my way to a club, of all places. I was looking forward to having a good time when my cell phone rang and guess who it was? I hadn't spoken to her in over 3 months and wasn't going to answer it but my friend Stephanie said she would talk to her instead. So I answered it and handed her the phone. Stephanie said I couldn't talk but she insisted that she speak with me. I agreed to it and so I did. She seemed a bit annoyed that I talked to her mother with an 'attitude' back in the beginning of November. I explained that all I did was ask her to leave a message for her (not to contact me until I chose to contact her). She also wanted to know when I would like to exchange our stuff. I told her I would call her in a few days to arrange a time. I also told her I didn't want to talk to her, I didn't want to see her, and I had nothing to say to her. Strangely, she got very quiet after I said that. And then, just after that when we were about to hang up, she very quietly mumbled her 'bye' to me -- a trademark of her's that meant she was not happy. She always had a tendency to exaggerate her emotions. I have been wrestling with the thought that maybe she wants to see me and talk to me about things. But when we broke up, she said to me that she didn't think she would be happy being married to me. Because she said that, I have a hard time believing that she has anything else to say. I also have to remember how indecisive she is. It is exactly that indecisiveness of hers that could either kill me or drive me so insane that I will kill myself. The main reason I don't want to see her or talk to her is very simple: It's too painful. I am trying to erase the past two and a half years out of my mind. Seeing her face and talking to her could cost me great emotional pain and could lead to nothing. I'm just not sure it would be worth the risk. I have already paid for the risks I have taken as it is.
That conversation is something I did not need. I was in a pretty good mood and on my way to try and have some fun and maybe even meet someone. Once I got to Hurricane's I actually managed to mostly forget about what had just transpired. There was actually someone who caught my eye but I hesitated too long because I was not sure if I wanted to try and talk to her. She got snagged by someone else and that was it. Since the incident, I have made a promise to myself that something like that will never happen again. I need to take my thumb outta my ass, my foot outta my mouth, get some guts, and stop being such a damn coward.
My amnesia didn't last for long, unfortunately, and my brief contact with my ex resulted in an up-welling of a ton of shit I really didn't want to think about. I attempted to goto work on Monday morning. I was there for about an hour when I realized I couldn't stop the tears coming from my eyes. I caught a light cold over the weekend too so I wasn't lying when I called my boss and told her that I got something over the weekend and I thought I could handle working but I was wrong. I would have been ok had it not been for my emotional state. I simply could not distract myself enough to get anything done and part of the problem was there was very little work at the time to distract me in the first place. I ended up taking Tuesday off as well. Tuesday afternoon, amazingly, amid this agonizing episode, as if I was sitting on a vast plain under a dark, cloudy sky and then a solitary ray of sun shined through... I discovered there was a message on my voice mailbox.. It was someone from the company my friend John works with, the one I spoke about earlier that he gave my resume to. They were very interested in speaking with me...
Side note: As I write this text, it has been 6 days since I began work on this entry. I hate leaving unfinished business but I have been sooo busy lately.


...I talked to John later that day and told him about the phone call I received. He told me I should give his boss (Bernie) a call as well and ask him how things are going. The next day, I managed to scrape my ass off of my floor and find my way to work. Shortly after I got there, I called John's boss (the people who I REALLY wanna work for) and the guy shocked the hell out of me. I sware it sounded like I was a good friend of his he hadn't talked to in a year. He's really cool. He told me that I basically have two options right now -- the other guys (Frick) or his company (Fraq). He told me what I could expect if I go with his company, including salary. After thinking about it for a minute, I realized he was basically making an offer! Jeez, I hadn't even had an interview yet! But of course John put in a lot of good words for me, I am assuming. And I'm sure I don't sound like an idiot to him based on the coorespondance we have been trading back and forth. So, as it stands, I have two interviews at the ass-crack of dawn on Friday Morning. Bernie encouraged me to talk to Frick as well. After thinking about it for a bit, I think I know what happened here. Frick and Fraq work very closely together. I have been in contact with Bernie (Fraq) for a couple of months now. Bernie knows I am in the market for a new job and am looking to stay in one place for a while and build a career (because I told him so). He also knows that I have been in contact with Frick. I bet Bernie knew Frick called me back a few days ago and he didn't want to lose me. Shit, I didn't want to lose him either! :-) I wanna hang with my buddy John, build a career, do some traveling, make some good cash, and have some fun doin' it! From what I have heard from John, Fraq is the answer to thoes wishes. So, anyway, I will keep ya'll posted. I hope to be writing a resignation letter sometime Friday afternoon.

In other news.. I got my rejection letter from Bunim/Murry Productions the day before Christmas. If that name sounds familliar, think MTV. If you still can't remember, I'll tell you: The Real World and Road Rules. Bunim/Murry is the company that does the show. I applied back in mid October. I knew I wasn't selected because I didn't hear aything by December -- which is when they get around to the finals. Boy, are they making a mistake. :-) I know I would be really good for that show. That woulda been a trip, huh?? Reading my web page and then hearing how I was gonna be on the Real World.. Oh well.. I look at it this way: I'll get the job I've been waiting for and maybe I'll find the woman of my dreams. If I was selected to be on the Real World, I would be in Seattle for 6 months and my life would be on hold for that amount of time. That is assuming that I didn't choose to continue it there. By that I mean I would want to move back here to Maryland. I am very happy here, most of my friends are here and there are plenty of jobs (such as the one I'm about to take). Also, if I met someone out there I would either have to convince them to move back to MD with me or break up with them. Forget long distance relationships, folks. I've had my hand at that shit already -- not for Ryan. But we never know where life will take us, do we??? I was to be married on June 20th of this year, hey remember that???

Tuesday November 25, 1997

I got some email recently (actually.. I, uhh, get it quite often) and in one of the messages the person asked me a few questions about myself that I thought others might want to know. So, I thought I would write them a gargantuan reply and put it up here. You will find that I will be doing this a lot. Since I can't think of everything people might want to ask me, I will just cease opportunities as they arise as I did with my November 12th entry below. If you were watching me a couple of nights ago when I couldn't sleep you would have noticed I was at my computer typing. I was typing the email reply that I used for this entry. Since I was up until 5AM I was rather spaced out so I polished the original reply somewhat before incorporating it into this entry so it is a little different (but better) than what I sent to the person who emailed me. The excerpt reads:

> Just checked out your Web page and enjoyed it immensely. The pics are
> cool, the insight on "you" is quite enlightening. You seem to be a
> pretty neat guy which is why I'm wondering why you're single. Surely
> someone has snagged you by now....

I have just been waiting with anticipation for someone to ask me why I am single just so I have the excuse to explain myself and vent my frustrations (yes, you are actually the first to ask this). I would really love for you to share some of your thoughts as to why you might think I am. I don't think I'll be able to think of everything in one sitting, but here it goes..

The answer to your question, just like my life in general, is rather complicated. First and foremost, I am an extremely sensitive person. I always have been. Dating is something that I have never taken lightly so I don't just go out with women 'just to have fun'. I don't even like to go out with someone unless I have an idea of who they are first (blind dates are totally out of the question for me). This way about me has become even stronger since me and my fiancé broke up back in September -- the prime reason I have had such horrible sleeping problems for the past few months (I'm still wondering when the fuck THAT problem is gonna go away). This may surprise most of you since I never mentioned the fact that I was engaged in any other place on my web site nor do I talk about it. The reasons for this should be self-evident. I feel, at this point, I have a dangerous predisposition to just latch right on to someone very easily. And I don't want this to happen with someone who I might find wasn't right for me on the first, second, or third date after I have enjoyed other things that being with someone else often involves. I'm just too sensitive for that. I like to get to know people a little first because it could spare me the emotional cost of a mistake. Being extra cautious helps protect me from dealing with situations I would rather avoid (such as having to break up with someone). Unfortunately, being cautious can also spoil chances for opportunities. But, given the pain I stand to risk, I would rather miss opportunities I will never know about then to take chances with my emotions.

I visited a dance club a few weeks ago (Holloween night). Its called the 'Seven-23' in Fell's Pointe, Baltimore. The music was slammin', pretty woman were everywhere, and everyone ended up having a good time except myself. It had been a few months since I had been to a dance club and that was the night I purposed to my ex at Louie Louie's (Hammer Jack's) before it was demolished to make room for the new Ravens Stadium.I did it there (in front of a thousand people) because it was a place that meant a lot to both of us and I knew what her answer was gonna be. It brought back a lot of memories I am trying to suppress these days and I just didn't have the strength that night to forget about the bullshit I've been carrying around. Inherently, I'm a serious kind of person and it can sometimes take a lot, but I can get very wild too. That night I realized, after it was too late, that I was not in the mood to get wild and getting drunk would only have left me depressed and horny. NOT the condition I wanted to be in. This is a prime example of what I am talking about. I gambled that night and I lost and it took me a whole week to recover from it: Bad...

I was very shy until my mid-late teens so that slowed my social progress. I am also VERY particular about who I date. I used to be more particular about the type of personality I was looking for in the past but I have broadened my tolerances on that requirement as of late. I know that probably sounds bad but, actually, it's good. What I mean, for example, is I would never have even considered dating someone I met at a club until a couple of years ago. I realized that that kind of limitation I put on myself was rather close-minded. I didn't necessarily consider MYSELF the 'club type' and MY ass was there. One night while I was at Louie Louie's I realized this and ever since then my perspective has changed on that issue. Another thing is I met my ex 2 and a half years ago and this was around the same time I was really expanding my social horizons -- and then I got hitched with her. So when I had the opportunity to date more, I couldn't. So I know a lot of people now and I do more things than before (on and off -- more off than on lately), I just haven't met anybody. The thing that amazes me the most (and pissed me off the most) is I know so many people now and *NOBODY* knows someone they think I could date. Well, ok, there is ONE person, but I'm just not very attracted to her. My sister told me a few weeks ago about a friend of hers who she wanted me to meet. I wasn't excited about the idea because I knew what the outcome was going to be and, sure enough, I was right -- she not be for me.

I have never considered myself to be reproachable. I do like my looks for the most part but I don't think I'm all that wonderful. Lately, however, I REALLY do wonder sometimes. This is mainly because I just don't get approached by women -- ever. I hear and have heard more from people that are too old for me or that I'm not attracted than people who I am attached to and would consider dating. I'm sure many people can relate to that. I'm sure you will find this interesting: I have had this thought in my head about asking someone a question regarding this subject. I envision myself alone with a woman I would consider attractive. Probably someplace like an elevator in a building I never goto or have never been before and don't ever plan on going back. Sometime during the ride, I turn to her and say. "Excuse me, Id like to ask you a question and the only reason I have the guts to do so is because I know we will never see each other again." Would you consider me attractive enough to date?" Hehehe... I don't know if I will ever feel low enough about myself to ever attempt such a thing. At the least bit, I could get a good laugh out of it. The only flaw in such an idea is that I REALLY don't think any person would stand there and say to my face "Actually, no, I really don't think your attractive." Ya know what I mean??? I don't think *I* could ever do that to somebody. But you can often tell (at least I can) when someone is just trying to be nice and tell you what they think you want to hear.

There is another issue concerning why I think I'm still single: Assholes. Yup, that's right, Assholes. You women LOVE Assholes. You do! Admit it! You do! There is just something about a guy that acts like an Asshole that just turns women on. I'm not going to go into great detail about why this is -- and I'm sure I could. I think my personality radiates from me in some way or another and women just seem to pick up on that. I'm sure they can tell I'm not a bullshit kind of person -- someone who just wants to get laid. And I think that often scares them away to some degree. It's rather weird because you are used to hearing (at least, I am) about how women get attached and how they don't like being dicked over, blah, blah... Yeah ya do! Now, of course there are always exceptions to the rule in every case for everything, (example: Me) but that has not been my experience for the most part. It is possible for me to change how I am perceived by others (women, for example) by acting a little differently and coming off in a different way, such as acting like an Asshole, but I really don't like doing that very much. It takes a lot of energy and I don't like being someone I'm not.

I have made a discovery on how to fool the Asshole lovers of the world. The secret is (any heterosexual guys out there, take note): you act much like an Asshole does... for as long as it takes. Then, when they REALLY like you, slowly start acting like yourself. Then, they'll be hooked! This may take a few days or weeks or, possibly, one night if you meet a woman who likes to jump in the sack real fast. If it takes more than a few weeks, then forget it. You just weren't made for each other. Also, it's generally not a good idea to have sex BEFORE you begin to act like yourself. You see, this way, they THINK they are having sex with an Asshole. Then when they find out they're not, they won't care anymore! There are a lot more variables that are thrown into the equation when sex is involved. You might want to start acting like yourself just before hand. Things can also become unpredictable when you are good at lovemaking. You never can tell.. Sex can completely change things.

I don't know exactly what you think of me based on what you can see though my camera, but the person you see in front of that camera is far deeper than that camera could ever reveal.

> How are you enjoying your new independence in your own place? I know
> that I thoroughly enjoy being able to do what I want when I want. Am I
> to assume that this is your first plunge living on your own?
>

I like it a lot. Its a little precarious. I am comfortable here but I am a person that doesn't like certain things to change very much. My parent's house is a good example. That is still home to me. I hope they never move out of that house. It's nice to be able to go back to a place that's familiar. The thought of sitting in front of the fireplace or the wood stove with a nice fire going with all of the lights off and soft music playing in the background on a cold winter night is so comforting.Yeah, this is the first time I have moved out and I intend to keep it that way.

> If I may ask...I may have missed it in your info... but how old are you?
>

I am 23 going on 35. :-) Hehehe.. I'm 23.

As a side note: After looking over what I typed above I realized a common theme regarding my dating practices: looks. Well, usually, it starts there, wouldn't you agree??? I mean, you're not going to approach someone who you would consider unattractive. Part of the reason I think I brought it up a lot in my discussion above is I have found that it is more important to me than I have realized in the past. I think some people may be mislead about how I feel about looks. Who a person is can make them all the more attractive as a whole and, fortunately for me, I am deep enough to recognize that. Also, I'm not concerned about who I am. Because of what many others have told me, I know I have an attactive personality. But you need to meet me first to see that for yourself

Wednesday November 12, 1997

I recently got a message from someone who is gay and I am taking the opportunity to use the response I sent him to express my thoughts on this matter. My response reads:

"Yes, I have been contacted by some gay men. This is something I expected so it hasn't surprised me. However, I also thought I made it clear in my page that I was not gay. Putting my sexual orientation in all caps is an attempt to make this very clear. I could be more elaborate in bringing the fact to everyone's attention but I have already done that to some degree and I plan on making it even more clear in other parts of my web page. Now, I know what you are probably thinking -- I'm homophobic.. Not at all. I have liberal views on a lot of things, including homosexuality. As far as I'm concerned, anyone can do whatever they choose to do with their lives. I have no problem with gays, I'm not afraid of gays, and I understand that people don't always choose to be the way they want -- it's just the way they are. My problem is I do not like the thought of someone of the same sex lusting after me. It is just an unpleasant and distasteful thought to me and I have the right to feel that way as much as any human being and this is the general consensus of most people. I think one thing that gays seem to forget is that a LOT of people find homosexuality extremely disgusting. There is a simple reason for this: it is NOT natural. Take a look at the tools... they are not REALLY supposed to go where gay people put them. I think this is an issue that doesn't just have to do with religion. Yes, religion in general teaches that homosexuality is wrong and that gay people are from hell and will go back there when they die, blah, blah, blah... But the other half of the issue is that most strait people just don't like it. I am not just talking about sex here.. I am also talking about affection (kissing, ect.). Personally, I really think the site of two men kissing and hugging is...just... yuck! But it seems gay people will never be happy the way people in general view homosexuality until it is viewed as normal and you see gay people making out on prime-time TV. Well, I don't know if that will ever happen and if it does it won't be anytime soon.
The bottom line for me is gays can do whatever they want as long as they don't attempt to shove he mentality down my throat and advances towards me are not made once I have made it clear that I do not lean that way."

Tuesday November 4, 1997

I had a thought recently about this whole web page of mine. I think some people might think it a bit strange or crazy for someone (such as myself) to just throw themselves so wide open as I have done here. You know what??? It really doesn't bother me. What have I got to hide? One of the things about society that has always perplexed/bothered/annoyed me is why we have to be so private about so many things. There is nothing wrong with living your life the way you want to as far as I'm concerned (China's Prime Minister would disagree). But I think that there are many things about people in general that do nothing but slow down the development of society as a whole. Take my lingerie interest, for instance. Such a taboo, huh? Well, WHY!? Hey, I like women.. Should I be ashamed of the fact that I like them 1/2 or 1/4 or 1/10th dressed??? Hey, if you can think of a reason, TELL ME! Just one of the hang-ups about society I wish did not exist.

This brings me to sex (from lingerie -> to sex, logical thought pattern here). Yeah, I guess the tools that are involved in the process aren't the prettiest things to look at.. Aside from that, I don't see what the problem is, do you??? How was it possible that you are reading this right now?? Because two people had sex! Either that or somebody, uhhh, took matters into their own hands. That's about the only way to get sperm for the test tube, unless you want to be like a grape harvester and start harvesting testicles! There are almost 6 BILLION people on this Earth. Now how the hell did THAT happen? Whaddaya think happened!? They all had sex! Don't you think it's strange that one of the most common desires and activities that we humans like to do is also one of the most private and shunned subjects? On a taboo level, I think religion is mostly to blame. On an emotional level, human nature is to blame. But blame isn't the word for the 'human nature' reason. This is coming from a sensitive person here (yes, it IS possible for guys to be sensitive) and, being a person of that type, I understand how sex (AKA lovemaking) ties into emotions. And we tend to regard emotions as private. I also think that the other fraction of the taboo part is that people express themselves in different ways. And, since sex/lovemaking is often closely tied to your emotions and how we express ourselves, one might feel odd or uncomfortable 'expressing' themselves in a certain way as opposed to someone else. It's just a matter of preference. So it can be difficult for people to accept other people's form of expression and, therefore, make it difficult to talk about openly. POOF! Taboo it becomes.

So, there you have it. Damn, that was a rant and a half.. maybe I should begin work on a book.

As a side-note: I will be sleeping when I get home tonight now that my water bed is dry again. The crickets got more sleep than me last night so I am postponing my Tuesday run until tomorrow. I will probably be up later tonight