...In My Life
Things going on in my life, interesting
and otherwise.

Tuesday March 19, 2002

I'll be brief since almost nobody is reading this anyway, but I figure there are a couple people left by now who check back every once in a while. So this is for you. I've been waiting and waiting to find the time to sit down and write a few thoughtful paragraphs about some of the events in my life. But after almost two years, I think I've realized that I simply don't care that much about this page anymore so I'm never going to get around to it. More importantly, I don't get email form people anymore so that helps keep me from writing anything.

After a sometimes agonizingly long year and a half wait, on April 15th, 2000, I moved to Lima, Peru where I work at the U.S. Embassy in Lima as computer/networking tech support(was supposed to meet Colin Powell with the rest of the embassy employees on Sept. 11th, but he had to leave immediately after the terrorist attacks that morning). I moved my server to my mom's house where it continued to work until a few months ago when Excite, owner of @home, went bankrupt and Comcast took over. They are not yet giving out additional IP addresses so my server won't be reconnected until they do. So the parts of my page that reside on my server won't be available until its reconnected. This includes my brain farts page which has a bunch of more recent diary entries such as these.

Mom is still battling social security after she was denied in October, 1999. In her appeal, another judge threw out the previous judges "decision" and accepted her appeal for another hearing. She found a great lawyer who found a major flaw and that first judge's ruling that led to its dismissal. In the mean time, since the fucking government doesn't want to do it, I have been completely supporting her medical expenses and sent her to a doctor specializing in homeopathy. She is 110% better and hopes to start working some day and supporting herself but she is going to continue to fight for the social security money she should have had all of these years.

About a year ago, I decided to invest on some real estate. I thought that since it looked like my mother would have to move out of the place she/we had lived in since 1988, and the county and state where she lives is a great place to invest, I bought the house she was living in! Been fixing it up ever since and am on the heels of converting over from the construction loan to a conventional loan. Looks like the forces of evil underestimated me again. I love winning, don't you???

Finally.. I hope you got the chance to listen to the recordings I did about Peru, which is listed below. If you didn't, stop reading now and email me, I'll email them to you so you can listen.. Then you can continue reading on. Well, after seeing a bunch of this country and many of it's women over the past two years, I have accepted the inescapable truth. That is, I am absolutely and completely in love with Melissa. I think that much can be said for her as well. It was me that took a while to figure it out. Unfortunately for us we are in different countries right now and we are not exactly sure when we will be together again. She needs to tie up loose ends where she is before she comes back to Peru. Of course I had to almost lose her to realize how much I feel for her, which is why I'm here and she is "there". I look forward to the day when I see her again. After three years, I never stopped thinking about her. I don't think I ever will.

I really appreciate you checking up on me. Say hello sometime so I know you are still there.

Wednesday January 4, 1999

My God, what a mammoth project this has turned out to be. The biggest problem has been time - it just took so long, once I finally got around to starting it, that is. I still have to finish my picture captions, but they should be easier and much less time consuming. All I have to do is look at pictures and describe them. I am pretty satisfied with what I have produced, and by that I mean in the context of how well I expressed my thoughts. I have been having great difficulty sleeping and that means I am often tired and can't think of the right words a lot of the time. I'm sick of making excuses. Why can't I just create something using 100% of my brain, be happy with that, and be done??? I know I have said this before and I will say it again: I probably won't put forth so much effort on any one subject in the future. I simply had a lot to say this time and when I am satisfied with the thoughts and feelings I have conveyed in a project that explore certain aspects of life and , I won't make much of an effort to repeat the same thing in the future. You will also find copies of these same files in MP3 format on my FTP site.
So here it is: in your face. You best take heed, for truths you may not wish to know will reveal themselves in a way that only truth could. I think I have out-done myself in exposing the loving soul that exists in the human being known, here on this earth, as "Ryan".

Peru1-My First Night (18:08)

Peru2-What It's Like (37:36)

Peru3-Sensitivity (11:52)

Peru4-Melissa1 (28:08)

Peru5-Melissa2 (41:10)

Peru6-The End? (17:41)

Sunday November 22, 1998

While I was in Peru, I used that really nifty camera I brought with me to record (you attach sound clips to images) some of my thoughts while I was there. I think my head was more together than my last entry below. Aww, its ok, I guess.. I certainly had more sleep. I haven't been impressed with my ramblings as of late. Sometimes I feel like I have some wisdom to express and I just don't come out right. Consistancy is my problem. I'm posting this now, but I actually created it almost a month ago on the 25th of October. Anyway.. so here it is.

Saturday October 17, 1998

Forget this typing stuff - click here to HEAR me tell you about the goings ons as of late. (42:14) Apologies for being so spaced.. I drifed away from my points like a politician on crack..  You must have Real Audio installed to hear. If not - click here to goto Real Audio's home page.

Sunday April 27, 1998

Wow.. been a while, hasn't it? As I begin this next entry, I'm not sure how much detail I will go into. Due greatly to the fact that I'm not sure I can remember everything. Nothing REALLY exciting or special that I care to talk about has happened.

Remember when I talked about the Social Security problems my mother was having??? Well, she finally got in touch with them. You know what? They lost her file for the SECOND TIME!!! My God, I swear this country has a problem. We will ALL have a problem if this kinda crap keeps up. Well, anyway, they went ahead and processed her file for her -- took two hours. It had been two months since she had contacted them last and, in the mean time it just sat around because it was lost again. It was supposed to be send to Philadelphia to be audited. It never made it there!! It was lost!! So, now that it was processed, the nightmare would be over. My mother would get her money, pay off her debts, and finally buy the house. WRONG! She called them back after another week had passed and they informed her that, unless she can PROVE that she was disabled for the past 5 years, she would get around  $2000. That is a hell of a lot less than she is supposed to get. You can't put a down-payment on a house with $2000! Of course, she provided them with a letter from the doctor who examined her but guess what happened to it??? They LOST IT! And guess what? The doctor who examined her is gone. All she knows is, at the time of her examination, he was about to leave to go to  Duke University to study cardiology. Isn't this fun!? So, she called me while I was on my way to work and, understandably, became very upset as she was telling me all of the above. The only thing she could do is find the doctor who examined her and have him write another letter. I tried to calm her down by telling her we would find him (I was sure we would) and gave her a few ideas including contacting Duke University and getting his number somehow. She also asked me if I could get on the internet and look for him -- something I had already thought of. I was certain I would be able to find him. Almost every college that has a web page has a faculty and student phone directory. I was really really tired and I was just about to take a nap when I got home. But I couldn't go to sleep knowing my mother was waiting to see if I could find him and rotting in the mean time. I know how that feels and if I could find him for her and help her feel better, it would make ME feel a lot better too. So, I postponed my nap and went to yahoo and found Duke University right off the bat (gee, big surprise). Two minutes after that, I found two people with the same name. One was a student in engineering, the other was a faculty member in the cardiology department! That HAD to be him. I called my mother... no answer! I called again...no answer again! Man, this pissed me off! I think I have her savior AND I CAN'T GET IN TOUCH WITH HER TO TELL HER!!! I called for the third time and she FINALLY answered. She said she was talking to him on the other line! She found him before I did! Ya know what the bitch thing is? She and myself compared numbers and the one on the web page was wrong! I think two numbers were transposed or something.. If she didn't find him, it may have taken forever to find him with the wrong number! Man, makes me wonder who's out to get me some times. I swear me and my family have some of the worst luck. Nothin' comes easy for us. Although I can say that, slowly, things have been getting better.

If you read the entry before this one, you would have read about the girl I met at a bar through my friend Stephanie. Welp, it's a no-go. I really don't need to go into it, but basically, she is too much like my ex (that's a bad thing, by the way). She seems a bit inhibited, rather stressed/wound too tight, and I just get odd vibes when I am around her. On with the show..

Remember the letter I said I had begun to write to my ex's parents? It took me 5 weeks and its over 6 pages long..but I finished it. I have only shared it with one person thus far besides the people who it was written for, and that was my mother. The main reason I read it to her was because I wanted a last-minute second opinion on how it sounded. After I read it to her I asked her what she thought.. It sounded as if it was rather difficult for her to talk and she kept stuttering. She finally said that it was really nice. I can't remember exactly.. I do remember saying that when I set out to right it, it was going to be the best letter that I have ever written. To that, she said it was the best ANYTHING I have ever written. In keeping with my great "open-book" tradition, I have reluctantly decided to share it with the world. But I am not going to make it easy for you to find it. Why??? Have you ever created something that is dear to you and only want people who will care for or respect it to be able to see it, such as a picture you painted or a sculpture you've created??? Same thing.. So, what you have to do is answer three questions. Take the first letter of each answer (excluding words such as 'the'), in the same order as they are asked, to build the name of the page that holds my letter and then add .html to the end of it. Here is an example:
What's my first name?    --   Ryan = R
What state did I visit 2 years ago?   --   California = C
Where did I go skiing in January?   --   Timberline = T

So, the name of the page would be: RCT.HTML
Now, I'm not gonna make you drudge through tons of text so you don't have to look through this page or my "Inside My Head" and "About Me" Pages. That's way too much work. Nobody will feel like looking through it to find the answers. Anyway.. the three questions are:

What's the name of my friend in California?
What was I standing in front of when the picture on my main page was taken?
The name of the radio station where I was interviewed.

For those of you who read it, don't be afraid to tell me what you think. One note about the trip I mentioned.. Like I said, I didn't get to go. When I started writing the letter, things were somewhat uncertain, but certain enough not to take it out of the letter or modify it. I also had to cencer certain items in the letter.

The next thing I have to say I am certain will surprise a lot of people.. Yes, boys and girls, I have finally done it.. I have succumbed to the temptation. This is the sign of the apocalypse... I can't remember when I found the page. I didn't really go looking for it. I either stumbled upon it or someone sent it to me. I can't remember the name (although I frequent the place, go figure). It's something like "Ashley Singles Page" or something. Anyway, I took a look at the place and was rather amused at first. First, because I felt so stupid looking at it, and second because it didn't seem like the place was lagit. Well, I'm one of the "stupid" people on there now.   :-) I donno.. I just feel so defeated. After checkin' it out for a bit, I realized there are a shit-load of people on there. I also realized its a damn good idea. If you're serious about it, it can take you more than 20 minutes to fill out your profile. I also thought that it would be a great way to use my web page. I put my URL in my profile and anyone that I see I am interested in, I just send them here! I do have some concerns, however. I'm not all THAT gung-ho about people who don't know me finding out about so much of the things that have been going through my mind in the recent past. I may sound like I am contradicting myself. Well, not really.. It's one thing to stumble upon this page and find out about me, and then it can be interpreted as another when I directly send people to look at. See what I'm saying? The other cost is that there may be things that I might not want to put up here as a result of me using my page in this way. What if I had a brief affair (yeah right) that unintentionally caused a lot of trouble for a lot of people including myself. It certainly wouldn't be in my best interest to put that kinda stuff on here, ya know? Aside from all of this, I think there is one major positive that out-weighs all of the negatives. I would rather someone find out who I am through my web page and make the decision that I wasn't right for them as opposed to finding out later on when we've already met and began dating. That is what's most important to me. For the longest time, it has been my assumption that mostly freaks and geeks inhabit a service such as this on the Internet. Well, not in such a literal sense, but I think you know what I mean. The internet is so mainstream now. EVERYONE is on it. So, if you have any doubt about using such a service, then I say this to you.. You can meet some wonderful people. That, I can assure you.

I got some rather disturbing news yesterday. Have you heard about the two guys killed on a Florida beach back a week and half ago on the 16th??? Well, I didn't hear about it until yesterday. I have been so out of touch with the news for awhile now. One of the guys, Kevans Hall, I have known since middle school. I graduated with him from Oakland Mills High School back in '92 and have seen him many times over the past few Man, this is so fucked. Apparently, it has been in local news here quite a bit and it has also reached a national level. Wait until the trial comes out, you'll hear about if you haven't already. There are also flowers and a black tarp hanging on our high school's sign in front of the school in memory of Kevans and Matt Wichita. You can go read about it for more details, but what basically happened was Kvans, Matt, Seth,  and 2 other friends came to the aid of a girl and her father being harassed by a group of guys on the beach near where Kevans and his friends were staying for spring break. The two people being harassed didn't press charges when the police came and the guys who started it all told Kevans and the others that they were dead and they would be back. Later that night, Kevans, Matt, Seth went out for a walk (on the beach, I think), the other two stayed behind and played video games. Kevans, Matt, and Seth were confronted by about 20 other men with bats and knives. They beat and stabbed Kevans and Matt to death. The Seth Qubeck survived and was critically injured. Four of the fuckers involved in the attack are in custody.

This fits along side the shitty news I got a few weeks ago about a guy named Raymond who worked with me at Best Buy as the Loss Prevention (LP) supervisor. He left Best Buy a year and a half ago (after the Christmas season) to become a state trooper for Maryland. I remember this one time when he came up to John and me at Best Buy with a wedding planning program he was having trouble with running on his computer at home. He made it as a state trooper, but was killed in his cruiser a few weeks ago in a car accident on the Baltimore/Washington Parkway. He was trapped in his car for over a hour. They managed to cut him out but he died of a heart attack in the hospital. He had a wife and one child (may be 2?) Well...I guess he did get that wedding program workin'...

"There... but for the grace of God, go I."

I keep forgetting to mention it, but I almost made it into the English honors class at my old College a few years ago. I didn't sign up for the class either, my instructor at the time, Dr. Link who was also the director of the English dept., recommended me. Unfortunately, I bombed on a major assignment and he pulled his endorsement, so I didn't get to go. The honors class starts half-way into the semester, so I stayed in his class for the rest of the semester and had to do the I-search project which included an oral presentation (YUCK!). Ooo was I pissed. So what did I do? I WROTE him a letter, of course. Nothing bad.. I just explained that I thought, subconsciously, that I was afraid of success, and that I bombed on the last assignment as a result. I am certain that I would have done really well in the honors class if I had made it because it was such an ego/confidence boost. Also, the curriculum looked so interesting and, actually, easier than the "normal" class I was in. The woman who teaches the honors class told me she would put me on the honors list if I got an A or B in Dr. Link's class. Welp.. got a C. Hmm.. I think I did much better than that. I just wonder if Dr. Link didn't want me to be on the honor's list because of  whatever reason. Anyway.. that's dead and gone.

The last 6 weeks have been quite a kick in the ass for me. This schedule of mine is... just... UGH! I have just two more weeks to go and things will be back to normal. Maybe I'll have time to reply to all of my email. Which brings me to another issue. I'm going to have to put up a note to everyone that I cannot guarantee a reply. I just don't have as much time as I used to. You might think that, with three classes - Mon, Tue, Wed, that means I would have Thursday and Friday off, right??? Well, Sunday night, I goto bed at 10PM (I HAVE to watch From the Earth to the Moon on HBO first), get up at 5:45am, at work by 7 or so. Done with work by 4pm. Hang around work 'till 6pm, eat dinner, class at 6:30pm, done with class by 10:30pm. Home by 11:15PM. In bed by 11:45-12:00AM. Get up the next morning at 5:45 and do it alll ovvver again. If I don't get enough sleep on Sunday night, I. AM. FUCKED. Yes, this has happened. I haven't been just sitting around at work after 4pm, either. I have been working. This allows me to get off early on Thursday. But I usually have something to do since I didn't have the time before. I usually get my first good night sleep of the week Thursday night -- but not always. Friday morning - up at 4:50am. At work by 6:15am. I usually get home by 4pm - maybe later if there is an accident on the beltway or it's raining or some shit.. I might catch a nap before I goto Hurricane's that night - I usually do. So, then I party until 3am. I don't sleep well if I drank much while I was out. If I go out Saturday and end up drinking, I don't get a good night sleep THEN either. So, back to Sunday. Hope I get some good sleep THAT night! There have been nights where I haven't! There have also been a few Saturdays where I have stayed in or went to John's place and watched some movies with he and Kim. Sometimes I just need to sloooow dooown, ya know? I fear some weekend changes will come about soon. I'll explain later.

The last thing it like to talk about is that trip I mentioned to some sunny tropical places. Welp, it wasn't me that got to go. We only needed one person and it ended up being John. So, I have had the cubical all to myself the past week and will continue to until next week. He only has to do 2 of the sites instead of 3. It seems the director of operations felt HE could do one of the installations even though John and myself were the ones who worked on the systems in preparation for their integration. I don't have the whole story but I do know quite a bit. He ended up making quite a mess of things down there and they really don't like him very much as a result (BAD!). To make matters worse, there was a White House staffer at the location. I have no idea who the person was or what they do, but people from the White House are generally, umm, IMPORTANT (BAD BAD!). We got a call from the site on Friday to help them with a problem they were having. The woman at our office who took the help call overheard someone in the background on the phone say "I knew this was a Micky Mouse operation". (BAD BAD BAD!) Fuckin'-A, man! There is a chance that *I* will be elected to go straighten things out down there. I will gladly do so. Stepping on people is not my idea of a good career move, but I have been waiting for a chance to prove some of my worth. This would be a great opportunity. It's not MY fault the guy screwed up.

Hmm.. actually.. there is one more thing. The unbelievable happened two weeks ago. Someone actually came up to me and talked to me! Quite amazing. Im not gonna go into too much detail, really. We talked a long time.. She was noticeably older than I (typical) but very pretty. Her name was Tonya. One thing I remember clearly was she said she thought I liked the view from where I was. I was standing off to the side and behind one of the "beer models" (women on a platform, in a bathing suit, with a spotlight on them, selling beer). I told her that it was nice but I was looking for a lot more than a piece of ass. She made a few references to dancing and I said that I liked to when I was in the mood. We eventually parted ways and I went back over to my group of friends and told them about what happened. To my surprise, she walked by and hadn't left yet. They told me to go after her.. I thought about it for a while.. then I took off! I got to her just as she got to her car. We talked for a few more minutes and decided it was cold enough to get into her car. So, we did.. talked some more. She has been separated from her husband of 5 years for 7 months. She is divorcing her husband because he began to physically abuse her. She had been to Hurricanes many times over the recent past and she came by herself that night because she just wanted to dance. I asked her about her age twice that night and she avoided the issue both times. I gather she was between 30-35. It took a few tries but I finally got her number. I talked to her a week ago, by the way. I wasn't really confident that we could have a relationship but I wanted to at least talk to her, I guess. I remember she told me she swore that she would only marry once.. I try and think of people like her when I bitch about my own situation. She made the commitment of spending the rest of her life with someone and then she had to break up with him because he began to beat her. How terrible that must feel. Oh, how I hate the thought of looking onto someone's eyes and wondering if I will hate them someday. I think one of the biggest problems with people and relationships these days is people are just scared. Unfortunately, however, I think people have many reasons to feel that way. Nice woman.. too bad...

Thursday February 26, 1998


As I had guessed, the less turbulent life is for me, the less I like to write about it. I think a lot of the motivation behind my writing comes from just wanting to bitch about things. It's not the only reason, of course, but it is certainly a major driving force.

A couple of days after I finished the entry below this one, I got a rather large surprise from work. When I arrived and attempted to login to my account -- it said my account was disabled. Shortly there after, my supervisor (Pete) asked to speak with me. Something didn't seem right.. I really can't remember exactly what he said to me -- I tend to have a difficult time remembering things when I'm under a lot of stress or when I'm really pissed off. I think I was told that I wasn't staying with this contract anymore and that I was to go to  my boss (Nancy) across the street and she would reposes my DHHS ID and I could take my things with me right now or I could come back and get them. I do remember he didn't have a good look on his face, I knew he was pissed about something. I knew what this was all coming to -- I was being let go early. There was no way they were going to transfer me to another contract when I had only a week left. That would be ridiculous. So, I got up, went to my desk, erased my presence from my computer (deleted ICQ and other miscellaneous files including my resume' [hehehe]) packed up my shit, and left. I do wish I could have said goodbye to everyone before I left. That really wasn't much of an option at that point, as far as I was concerned. I was pretty surprised how friendly everyone was to me when I first started working there and how everyone remembered my name. I got along fine with everyone including my supervisor Pete. I actually really liked him a lot. I thought he was a really cool guy. Now I think he is a sonofabitch. That little immature, little, (actually, he's quite tall) cock! If there was a problem, he should have had the professionalism and the maturity to come to me and say something, not go on assumptions and boot me off to avoid a confrontation. And this is a guy who has had a career in the military! He claims he hadn't been getting' much outta me since I announced my resignation and that I had been leaving early from work. Of course, I found this out from Nancy and not from him since he didn't have the balls to say it to my face. Of course they weren't getting much outta me -- I was off one day because of weather (ice storm), I was off half a day because I had some business I had to take care of pertaining to my new job and I wasn't given that many help calls in the first place. Damn right I wasn't doing much! DUH! The other 'leaving early issue' Well, if I take a 20 minute lunch break and they THINK I took an hour then they are gonna think I left early. Nancy didn't approve of my practice -- I'm supposed to take an hour lunch and stick around. Man, to hell with that!. There are a handful of things in life that REALLLY REALLLLLLY piss me off. I can think of a few this very second: Pets urinating on my bed (just happened the other day), dick-teasing me (don't EVER do that), and REAL DUMB FUCKING PEOPLE! Oh man... I loath all three of those things.

I think the major issue was that I had received a call from someone about a network problem. I wasn't going to go running off on a wild goose chase and waste my time if they weren't in their office, so I attempted to call the woman first (WOW, what a great idea!). Good thing I didn't waste my time to go to her desk because guess what!? She wasn't there! I left a message, of course and waited for her to call me back. So, one day went by, two days went by and I didn't hear anything back. Suddenly ,on Wednesday afternoon, one of my colleagues asked me (she was visibly pissed off) about the situation because the woman came up to her bitching and asking when we were going to help her. I told her I left a message and that she could come and bitch at me. I mean, shit, you call someone and they need YOUR help. Don't ya think they are gonna call YOU back?? She could have been out of town for all I knew -- a completely legitimate assumption. Try working' for a huge government office; you'll learn. So, anyway, I went up there and she was all nice to me (I have a way with people) and I was pretty sure I knew what the problem was once I took a look at the machine and got some feedback from her (a big reason I wanted her around when I went up there). But I was never able to do anything about it since I was let go the very next morning. So, I guess ol' Pete was pissed at me because he thought I was being lazy and not helping the woman who never freakin' called me back so my colleague got shit for it.

It really was split right down the middle. I REALLLY didn't want to be there, but at the same time it REALLLY pissed me off the way he handled the situation. But I REALLLY don't care because I'm going from a job that didn't mean much to one that does. At first, I was a little concerned about leaving that job under less than favorable conditions. No worries -- this career move is analogous to going from 2nd grade in elementary school to a first year in college. Would you be worried about things you did in elementary school effecting you in college?? I think not. I went to my boss across the street, did the exit thing, said my good-byes, and that was it. "Hey Ryan, you just left your job early! What are ya gonna do next!?" "I'm goin' to the Air and Space Museum!". It was 10AM, I had nothing but time and money on my hands (more time than money), I was smack-dab in the middle of the free world so, shit, I went to the Air and Space Museum. :-) Of course I wasn't going to Disney World! That's too far! I enjoyed that time immensely. I have never had so much time to walk through that place in many years.

Most of what I did for the rest of my time off was be a bum. Ya know what??? I LOVED IT!!! Actually, I would have been a little more active if it hadn't been for two things: it rained a lot, and I had a head cold. I really wanted to catch up on some sleep but I was tired all of the time anyway because I was sick. It wasn't bad or anything, I was just tired a lot and my throat was dry and scratchy. It's as if someone wanted to prevent me from enjoying my time off. God forbid I completely enjoy my free time.

I did go out a bunch of times during that week, of course. I can't remember anything really special about any of those nights. There was one exception, however. This may shock the hell out of those of you who have been reading what I have been writing...My friend Stephanie has a had a friend in mind she has been wanting me to meet. I haven't had great expectations for the longest time regarding anything so I really haven't had my hopes up concerning the situation. So we all met at a local bar and oh my god, shes beautiful! She fits my description pretty damn closely I must say -- I'm talking physically, here (I dont know exactly whats in her head yet). But I also got the chance to talk to her and hear her talk to other people and she seems very level headed and mature from what I can tell (shes 22). She is about 5'2" or 5'3", long, dark-red hair (its so dark I thought it was brown when I first met her), brown eyes, very pretty face, nicely proportioned body, and she is very feminine. Shes a bit more on the slim side than I would prefer but, shit, I'm not gonna get ridiculous! :-) There is ONE BIG problem.. Hey! It wouldn't be a story out of "Ryan's Life" (tm) if that weren't the case (damn it) !! Its not the fact that she is dating someone else at the moment (not seriously), its the fact that she smokes! AAAAAHHH!!! Now, I don't know HOW much and I don't know if she would be willing to give it up or is looking for a good reason to quit (for someone like myself). I know of people who would quite for their significant others and, in fact, would like to have someone so they have another good reason to quit. Basically, where things stand now with her is just simply in the middle. I have thought for quite a while if I could date a smoker -- something I have never considered until I met her (maybe I'm getting desperate or something). I have come to the conclusion that I cannot. Forget it. Hell no. I REALLY hate that shit! Oh! Hey! Add smoking to the list of things that realllly piss me off! So, anyway, I am waiting for the chance to say to her (in person) that I like her and that I am interested in her, but I can't date a smoker. I don't know what she will say to that, honestly. I have seen her a few times since the first and I just have not been able to get her alone at all so I can talk to her. She was supposed to come to Hurricanes with a bunch of us (a perfect opportunity) this past Friday but that fell through. One thing that I think is worth mentioning: I don't think I can remember how long it has been since someone has looked into my eyes the way she does. I swear, it is so hard to look at her directly because of the way her eyes look at me. Even when I do look at her directly I can't do it for long. I could stare-down a drill sergeant with ease compared to her! As upset as I have been during the recent past and as important as this a relationship is to me, I guess I could take her or leave her. Simply because I'm not involved with her and there is at least one very big what-if (smoking issue). I am not gonna get worked up over something that is uncertain. I did that once already a couple of years ago and it got me a fiancé that changed her mind. I am now battle-hardened. I have a very thick shell around me now and I wouldn't want it any other way. It's so much easier when you don't feel much. When the time is right, I will slowly come out of my shell, but that has not happened yet.

There was one rather peculiar thing that happened over that week that I was off. I kept getting all of this email from gay people. It was more annoying than anything else. I don't mean a lot of intelligent conversation, by the way, I mean people asking me if I would "show more". Yeah, I'll show you more! See my middle finger!? I actually got quite rude with one guy.. Anyway, I found out the cause thanx to a few nice people including The Nose from Homecams. A bunch of idiots -- I mean REALLY stupid people in France decided they were going to set up a gay/lesbian site and use my camera and MANY others (including people who made it very clear they're cam was copywritten material) without our permission. I don't mind people incorporating my camera image into their site as long as they ask. The issue all has to do with bandwidth. If I get a site that is accessing my cam image ALL of the time, even when I'm not online, I may have a problem with my host bitching about me using too much bandwidth. Not only did these knuckle-heads use my cam image without my permission, they used it to promote their gay/lesbian porn site. They also added things to the page my image was on such as "Ask them to show you more!" (sound familiar?). They also had a link on there so you could email me! GOD! How stupid can you be!? It was very well put together too. These guys knew what they were doing. Maybe they should take some sociology courses along with their HTML courses in college. That way, they would have a clue. So, anyway, I sent quite a nasty letter with my demands to the service provider for these freaks, and that was it.

In other news.. I started my new job! It's pretty cool. I mean, it's not REAL exciting right now but it is getting more and more interesting. The first two weeks were pretty slow but things are rolling a little faster now. I found out last week that I will be going outta the country in a few weeks to install our latest project that we are working on now. I will be going to three sites. I'm not going to say where I'm going exactly, but I will tell you there is usually a lot of sun, there are a lot of beaches, and people often go to these places on vacations. DAMN! And I gotta go there and get paid for it! HAHA! :-) I was also told I will be doing a lot of traveling for at least the next year. Kool!!! In the mean time, I'm going to buy a Spanish CDROM set to teach me the language. I really don't like the thought of going to some other country where I don't know how to speak to anyone. Although, a good number of people in Latin America speak English.

Remember a long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, when I said I was working on my For All Mankind page??? Well, I have been REAL lazy with that thing. HTML editing can be sooo much harder than it needs to be. Its like... like.... like a bad relationship! :-) It doesn't NEED to be that hard! There is no reason!! So, anyway, I am about 30% done with it. The hardest part, which was the image editing, is done. I just need to put it together. It's not all THAT special. It's not like it's a HUGE project I'm going to win awards for or anything. Its just there are a lot of pictures and its a pain in the ass to put them where you want to.

I think I have done an incredibly good job of forgetting about my ex.. Unfortunately, every so often, I get a rush of flashbacks that usually last a few days or so. My latest incident actually involved her parents. I was laying in bed on my way to sleep and I suddenly began to think of all of the things I have wanted to say to them (such as a lengthy goodbye) -- as if I were writing a letter. Its strange how these things come about. These thoughts literally came out of nowhere. I think the best thing for me to do is to actually write them a letter and so I have begun to do that. They are very good people and they were very good to me and I lost them too when I lost my ex. It would have been a privilege to be their son-in-law and I have always wanted to tell them that. Now they will finally hear me say so. I MAY post the letter here on my page. I donno...

Well, that does it, folks.. I cannot say when I will write again. I really don't have the energy to write about my day of fame two weeks ago. Just listen to my interview and read my page devoted to that great day and you will get the picture. I did meet a lot of really cool people and a bunch of us working on getting together at a place called Diamond's next Saturday (March 7) in Mclean, VA. Jack Diamond and his band will be playing there (the host of the Diamond in the Morning show). Really cool guy. I'd love to see him again. So, hey, if you're in the area, stop by and have a drink! :-)

Wednesday February 11, 1998

MY GOD, THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE!!! I was on the beltway on my way to work this morning with John (my turn to drive this week) and we were listening to a local radio station 107.3 (The Diamond in the Morning show). Jack Diamond made an announcement that he had seven "wonderful" women he was looking for dates for and that if any guys out there were interested to call the station. I thought about it real hard. When I got to work I found myself pacing back and forth as I was thinking about it. Then I realized I would be stupid NOT to try it. So, I gave them a call. I think I talked to a guy named...aww I cant remember.. Anyway, he said they had ONE spot left. I asked him what I need to do and he was like "Well, what do you do for a living?". I gave him a good description, he said it sounded interesting, and then he asked what I liked to do for fun and I told him about my clubbing exploits and that I like movies and just about anything but illegal drugs. I told him that I would have to check with my friend that I carpool with to make sure there wasn't a problem and I could call him back shortly. John didn't have a problem with driving himself to work on Friday but he thought I was crazy for what I was doing. Well, I went to call them back and then, guess what??? I FORGOT THE NUMBER!!! AAAHH!! I tried the number I THOUGHT I called and it just rang and rang and rang... So, I tried calling all different combos of what I thought the number was and no dice.. I finally got really frustrated and just tried the first number again.. It rang and rang and rang and then I got an answer! It was right number all along! God, I'm such and idiot sometimes. It was the same guy I spoke with. I told him I could do it and he said he had to check if there was still a spot open...(heart stopper) There was! So, he gave me directions to the studio... This is the deal.. I'm to be there at 5:30AM (oh Lord..) and I will be there until 9AM. It will be me, 6 other guys, the 7 women we're to meet, and Jack Diamond and another DJ. Since there will be so many of us, all of us may not have time to talk on the air -- but we will be there for 3 hours so I am hoping for the best. Then, that night at 7:30PM the two hosts of the morning show (Jack Diamond and the other guy) are taking us 7 guys and the 7 women out to dinner together!!! AMAZING!!! FUCKIN' AMAZING!!! They have a web page but they don't have an internet real audio feed, unfortunately. You can take a look at the page if you want, its HERE.

Wish me luck!! Hope I haven't broken too many hearts. :-) You will CERTAINLY hear how things went. I am currently working on my latest entry about the last few weeks -- should be done in a few days.

Monday January 19, 1998


For some strange reason, I have had a pretty difficult time getting myself to actually sit down and write something. I realized that just before I went on my weekend skiing trip to West Virginia I became rather numb emotionally. Things just simply weren't bothering me the way they had been -- basically over night. Maybe all that praying I have been doing finally paid off. God probably got annoyed with me bugging him (or her?) every single night and answered my wishes just to shut me up. :-) I don't know for sure, but just in case, I thank him every now and then anyway... What is it that I asked??? For the pain to go away.

Thursday night (the day of my last entry below) I went out with some of my friends to Hurricane's. We thought we would try ladies night and see what it was like. I agreed to drive because I had those 2 job interviews the next day and I had to get up at 5am (!?) so I couldn't drink much. Also, because of the fact that it was ladies night, why not let all of the ladies I was with (my friend Stephanie, her sister, and my friend Magan) take advantage of the cheap drinks. I remember it ended up being a shitty night for me. Some nights, I don't know what a little alcohol will do to me; its usually hard to predict. THIS time it ended up getting me depressed. I spent the last hour or so of the night in my car. Well, I guess I should be completely honest about this.. It didn't JUST make me depressed -- my mood swing was actually a byproduct of the fact that I got kinda horny. :-) But I didn't just wanna get laid -- it wasn't like that at all. I was just watching a lot of other people dancing, I started having flashbacks of me and my ex-bitch, "and that was it, sir. I had to abort the mission". So I retreated to my car. It's times like these I hate the most about single life. The fact that this kind of thing happens and then I come to the realization that I have to do it all over again the next night or the next week. I never really thought about it 'till now but I think I look at this whole experience in the context of a war. Maybe that is why I talk about it as such like I have in the past and like I did a couple of sentences ago. In a way, I guess it is like a war to me. Every night out is a battle. And almost every night I lose in some way or another. But, somehow, I manage to come back for more after my wounds heal. Currently, my score is probably something like 0 and 53 -- give or take 10. That's one hell of a shitty record. But will I stop? Hell no. I don't think I could ever lose too much at this war. Well... sometimes I do wonder... My compatriots, at least, enjoyed the night a lot more than I did. Stephanie's sister Suzanne ended in the car with me a while after I got there. She had had enough like I did. Stephanie and Megan had a good time and stayed there until the place almost closed which is when we left (1am). So at least half of the Platoon made it back without severe injuries. :-) This brings me to another point. Sometimes you have to sacrifice your time so that the others you are with can at least enjoy theirs. To do otherwise would be very selfish. You put up with as much as you can but we all have our limits. There have been times where I have cut a night a little short or expedited the process of going home because I just wanted to get the fuck outta there. The last time this happened was back on Holloween night if you remember reading about it.

Anyway... on to better things... At 5am I was up and outta bed with 3 1/2 hours of sleep on my belt and on my way to Virgina. It took me about 45 minutes to get there. Of course I forgot to bring a copy of my resume and of course I forgot to bring the number to the guy I was to see first (Hunter) at Frack which would have come in handy since the front door to the building was locked and I needed to call him to let me in. Another employee ended up letting me in... So I met everyone there, got a little tour of the place, they had a lot of nice expensive toys in there, that's for sure. I actually felt quite good for as little sleep as I had -- I was amazed. Before the big interview, I sat down with one of the other employees there and filled me in on the background of the operation there. What I will be doing is setting up computer systems so they can be integrated into the networks down south. I will also help support the network as well in the future. Not only that, I will eventually be traveling to various sites in Central and South America to assist in the integration! Kool! After that, I had an interview with my potential boss and two other guys that work there. It all lasted about an hour. I talked about my work history and my experience and various other things. I was really nervous too. I forgot to ask John about this one.. but I was also told that John informed them that I can down a whole beer through a funnel! I busted out laughing when they told me that. They all seem like a bunch of cool guys. They told me they had two other people to interview and that I should hear something in about two weeks (shit!). I was hoping a lot sooner. I was itchin' to get out of my current position. So, I said my good-byes and all and took off down the road to have a chat with John's boss, Bernie, (and hopefully mine) at Fraq.

I got there right at 8am and Bernie was due to be there any minute I was told. I went to the meeting room with a technology magazine along with a Coke and a smile to kill some time. The funny thing about being there was that I wasn't nervous at all. The vice-president (Phil) actually got there first and I ended up having a pleasant conversation with him until Bernie arrived. It was nice to place a face with a voice when he finally got there. I sat down with both of them and talked about things. It was the most relaxed interview I have ever had. They felt more like my friends than my superiors. Not a question about my capabilities was asked. Thanks to John, those questions had already been answered. Rightfully so, if you ask me. I know my shit. And if there are some things I don't know (there always is) I will learn them very quickly. That is not a problem. Inevitably, we got to talking about specifics about my employment -- benefits, salary, the usual. I remember I told Bernie that one if the reasons I was so interested in working at Fraq was because they treated John so well and I have yet to hear a complaint. I told him that I still wanted to become part of the Fraq team. At that we shook hands, and it was a done deal. I was in.

I see the potential for great things in my future with Frack. I really WILL be going places now. We also discussed my MCSE course that I was planning on signing up for. My original plan (a bit of a long shot) was to be hired at Frack, quite my current job, take the MCSE course for 11 days and live off of a thousand dollars that my mother was going to give me so I could take off of work for two weeks, and then start working for Frack. The first problem was the timing. I had to be hired at Fraq first, then I would quit my job, get the money from my mother, take the course, and mission accomplished. The second problem was, of course, money (isn't money ALWAYS the problem?). As it turns out, the timing would probably have worked. But, like always, the money issue got in the way. The money would have come from the back pay of Social Security my mother was just awarded because she was declared disabled 2 years ago (My mother divorces my father 20 years ago, raises my sister and I as a single mother working 2 to 3 jobs, finally decides what she wants to do with her life at the age of 40 [psychologist], goes to school for 7 years, gets her BA from U of MD Baltimore County [UMBC], and then comes down with Fibromyalgia -- a degenerative muscle disease, so now she can't work. Life just isn't fair, now is it?). Welp, as it turns out, the government decided to audit her file so the process has been delayed for at least another month -- the bastards. All they're gonna do is use the folder as a little cum catcher while they jerk off in their offices and get the pages all sticky. Man, that REALLY pisses me off. So, screw the idea of taking the course. So, what does my new boss do??? He is paying for the WHOLE course up-front! I start March 2nd (WHOA!?!?!?). I was floored. I can't believe he is doing this! He certainly will not be sorry he did. Now, I won't be able to do the 11-day-all-at-once deal. I will have to take the evening classes (Mon-Wed 6pm-10:30pm) so it will take two months. Those will be some long-ass days, that's for sure. Well, bummer, we don't always get what we want, now do we. :-) You will hear no complaints for me. I was quite surprised at the level of trust he is giving me. I haven't even started working for him yet and he is already spending thousands of dollars on me. It is not within my capabilities to ever take advantage of such trust. Man, I'm a lucky guy. So, I broke the news to all that I could at that time of day (Mother, Step-father, Sister, Scott, and John of course). I love my cell phone. I was going to go home and take a nap but John convinced me to stay for lunch. I still had to make it to West Virginia and all that..

Like we were told, it took about 4 hours to get to the Skiing joint we were staying at. The place is called Timberline and its located in the middle of NOWHERE. Actually the town is called Davis, but Nowhere and Davis are one in the same if you ask me. I was amazed they had as much snow on the slopes as they did. It was definitely below freezing when we got there that night. They had the snow makers rollin' full blast. We got there around 10:30pm to find people already drinking and playing cards and... in the HOT TUB!? Maaaaan, nobody told me about the damn hot tub! The only shorts I brought were the ones I wore under my jeans, man.. Welp, guess I was warring my boxers in the hot tub! :-) The place was really nice. It was ALL wood -- everything: the ceiling, the floors, the siding. Well, everything except the walls, basically. Three bedrooms (4 beds), 3 couches (one fold-out), a loft, two bathrooms, a bunch of sky-lights, nice kitchen, a fireplace, and yes, the hot tub. The first night was pretty uneventful. I had a few beers, ate some food, and helped keep the fire goin'. I was informed that the plan was to get up at 7am and go skiing(WHAAAAAT!?!?!?). Well, forget about getting any decent sleep this weekend, sheesh... It was like I was in the damn military. Oh, thats right... I AM, remember??? Anyway, I was graciously given one of the couches in the living room for my sleeping pleasure -- multiplying the 'no-sleep-this-weekend' by a factor of 2.

So, for the second day in a row, I was up at the ass-crack of dawn. The ski lodge was within walking distance, so that is just what we did. I was rather amazed there was a pretty large group of people who were as crazy as we were to get up so early. I had next to no cash on me and I didn't bother to get any on the way there the night before because they would surely have an ATM there, right? I mean, this is a big place, thousands of people go there all the time... Well guess what, bullshit fans??? THEY DIDN'T!!! Man, what a bunch of losers! Maybe the advances in portable ATM technology hasn't made it out into the WV hills yet. I had to bust out the virtual money card and run that damn credit bill up some more! Man, that was major loser material there, folks... These guys need to get their show together. What next??? So, those of us who had no skis (because I returned mine becuase I didn't think there would be any snow) had to go get some and then we hit the slopes. The main ski lift was huge -- the ride was about 10 minutes long to get to the top (?!). It really was a beautiful ride to the top of the mountain. You could see for quite some distance. Well, luckily I brought my trusty, newly repaired, digital camera with me. I knew the batteries were low but I was sure I could get a few more shots before they completely ran out, right? WRONG! (I guess THIS is what was "next") They were dead -- completely. Well, I thought I would get some when I got the the bottom of the slopes.. no biggy. GUEEEEESS WHAT!? WRONG AGAIN! They only had 'D' size...which might be great if I were looking for breasts! But I'm looking for batteries here! I found out there was a store about 3 miles away that not only has batteries, but they also have an ATM. To hell with that. I didn't feel like taking the time to do all that at that point. So, folks, no pretty mountain pictures, sorry.

I did have a lot of fun skiing that day. The first time down was real bad, but after that, it all came back to me and I got better and better. The only major problems were, as I got better, I got more and more tired. Skiing is a very exhausting sport if you don't do it very often. I haven't been running since late November. If I had been keeping up with my running, I would have had more energy. My legs would just burn so bad and they were fairly sore at the end of the day. That 10 minute ride up the mountain was actually pretty convenient because it gave you some extra time to rest. And then the other issue becomes a problem: OTHER SKIERS. Sure, just as you're getting good, all of these obstacles appear! It's quite a pain in the butt, cuz if I'm going too fast and I can't slide back and forth to keep my speed down because there isn't enough room to do so, I'll panic from gaining too much speed and I'll go down. Better that than to run into someone. I buzzed John one time and actually ran over the front of his skis, throwing him off balance, and he went down (oops). It was kinda funny. He gave me the "You loser!" treatment as I continued down the slope. I became pretty good at the 'fallen - skier - slalom'. You have to once it gets crowded. Part of the problem was there was only one intermediate slope open. Anything above that was a single diamond and then two other double diamonds (suicidal slopes). So the intermediate slope was pretty crowded. They probably didn't have time to get some snow onto the other slopes because the weather had just gotten cold enough. I also had a problem at the beginning of the day with my left boot unbuckling - very bad. If you don't get the right amount of support for your legs and ankles, you could certainly break something. I went back in and got a replacement pair and I was good to go. I skied from about 8:30AM to about 3:30PM with about an hour or so lunch. Wheew, that shit wipes you out. The last 2 times down were actually two of my worst runs because I was so tired, I couldn't properly control myself and I kept falling. It began to get rather painful because I kept falling on my sides all of the time. 'Twas a good time.

I was part of the last group that came back to the house. When I got there, I changed and hitched a ride with Greg to THE store down the road. I got my batteries but I had to use my damn credit card again to get cash cuz the machine didn't accept my ATM card. Damn loser-West Virginia. :-) I spent some time in the hot tub.. (yes, in my underwear). We had a spaghetti dinner with salad and garlic bread. Unfortunately, someone didn't tell Shawn the spaghetti was the 3-minute variety instead of the 5 to 7 minute variety (he over cooked it). I got dibs on the first batch, so for me it was 'slop with salad and garlic bread'. :-) It was pretty decent, actually. I'm not sure that the beer that Christine added to the boiling water made much of a difference. I donno, you give it a shot and email me on your findings. These are the kind of things that happen when you have the intoxicated members of your clan do the cooking for the night.

So, the rest of the night, most of us got drunk. I just wasn't in the mood, to tell you the truth. I was really tired, for one thing. I actually managed to fall asleep for about 45 minutes amid yelling and screaming. At one point everyone gathered around the living room and decided to play 'I never'. The game varies a little bit depending on who is playing. What we did was one person would call out the punishment for the loser of the game, everyone would hold up all ten fingers, and every time someone DID do what a person said THEY hadn't done, the 'someone' would put down a finger. Whoever ended up with no fingers first was the loser (duh). I really didn't feel like kissing another guy or sucking on someone's toe. I didn't play the first two times but I did play the next two (peer pressure). I donno.. I just wasn't in the mood, really. I should have had more to drink... We then played 'I Have' two times which, of course, is the opposite of 'I Never'. THEN some wise-guy suggested we should play 'Spin The Bottle'. Now... we have ALL played Spin the Bottle before, right boys and girls??? Of course! Well.. everyone except me, that is. Yup... I DEFINITELY should have had more to drink! At first, I said no... and then as it was getting closer and closer to what would have been my turn, I said yes. I was still sooo close to saying no, but I didn't. First, I realized I was emotionally numb so I thought I could deal with it. Secondly, I thought it would be a really good ice breaker (I'm talkin' ice many feet thick, not the stuff you find on your wind-shield in the morning). My problem wasn't so much kissing other girls I didn't know real well, per say.. it was that THEY were going to be kissing other guys. Awww.. everyone else does it and they're still alive, I figured I would live through it too. We did make one little clause, however. If a guy spun the bottle and it stopped on another guy, the spinner could have the option of kissing the next girl to the right of the person the bottle landed on. If that was not the case, I would not have played -- screw that, man. Another reservation I had: kissing a friend's girlfriend. Gee, NOT my idea of a good time. :-) Oh well.. on with the show. Sure enough, the bottle stopped on a friend's girlfriend (doh!). He had to turn his head. Oh well... rules are rules and it wasn't my idea, damn it..*smooch*. I think we did two rounds of that. THEN it was time for TUNG (!?)!! Hmm..... well.... OK! :-) Either directly or indirectly, I french kissed every damn person and that room (11 people). Would you believe girls were passing up on kissing guys (yes, including me) and kissing EACHOTHER instead!? That kinda thing turns most guys on. I really don't care for it much, really. That was the most action I had had in 5 months! :-) I had to kiss one of my friend's honey about 4 times; he had to leave the room every single time. I don't blame him either.. I think he is more of a man than me. I'm not sure I could do the same thing with my girlfriend. I think it would depend on who is in the room. I donno.. maybe I'll find out one day. Yeah.. but who knows when the hell that will happen. :_( This went on for about an hour and a half. I think we did about 9 rounds or so of that. It certainly was an interesting experience. I was about to really start getting brave (kissing certain people deeper/longer). Then all of the smokers in the room called for a smoke break and that was it. I don't like kissing ash trays.. sorry. All the non-smokers, including myself, called it quits.

That was about it for the trip. Nothing much else to speak of, really. I did take a bunch of pictures with my digital camera but there is a problem. It is STILL broken. The images are still blurry and some of them have weird artifacts in them, you can't tell unless you download them to a computer. The little LCD screen on the camera itself doesn't show enough detail for you to see the problem and I didn't notice it until I came home from the trip. Some of the pictures are pretty decent and I will put them up. But I'm going to wait until I get all of the pictures I want from the other people that were there. There were about 6 cameras there so there will be a lot to choose from. To my knowledge, nobody brought a camera out to the slopes. I will just have to wait until I see the people who were there at a party or something. John is having a party this weekend so I hope to see some people there with their pictures.

I got home almost exactly 48 hours after leaving Friday afternoon (4:30) on Sunday. I remember I laid down on my bed and watched the pretty sunset for a while. I was feeling the strange sense of a let-down for some reason. Something was bothering me and I couldn't quite put my finger on it. It took until the next day at work for me to realize what it was: the trip was too short... It was fun and it ended too quickly. I guess I'll have to wait another year to do it again. Hmmm.. I wonder how different things will be then. I do have the summer to look forward to, I guess. Although I'm not in school anymore so it isn't the same. We shall see...

There are a couple things I would like to mention. Now that I will be making more money, I can afford a cable modem. Instead of a 33,600 bps connection through my modem, I will now have a 2-3 million bps connection. What that means is I will be able to support my page on my own computer. I will probably keep the bulk of my page on geocities and have the cam page on my own server. Not only that, but I will put up a streaming video server on there as well such as Real Audio the like. So, now you won't have to wait 30 seconds for an image.. I suspect it will be more like 2,3,4, or 5 frames every second. There are technical issues I will explain later. Because most other people will be looking through a modem connection (56.7, 33.6, or 28.8kbps) a higher frame rate means loss of image quality. It will be neat to experiment. Expect this change in about a month. Oh, and I don't think I will have sound with it too.. maybe occasionally. That's a bit too much. If I did, you would hear every belch, fart, curse, bump, scratch, and all of the times I talk to myself.

My pager deal is over. It's been turned off and I am mailing the pager back. Thanks again to all who left me messages (Brad, Heather, and the others I mentioned previously.. I appreciate the feedback. I got messages from about 7 different people. Hey Pete.. I'll give you a call sometime soon. Why don't you have an answering machine?

The other item I want to mention is another addition to my web page. It's another part of me that I would like to share with all of you. I'm going to add a page devoted to a movie called 'For All Mankind'. It's a documentary about the missions to the moon and its narrated entirely by the astronauts who went there. You have probably never heard of it. It's been around for 10 years now. If you like me. If you like what I do here. If you like to listen to what I have to say, then you will certainly like this movie. You may even come to love it as I have. What could be SOO special about a documentary??? The difference here is that this documentary isn't about the technology, or the race to beat the Soviets, or the triumph of the country that made it there. It's about the human soul and spirit. It's about the human experience of going there and coming back. I certainly hope you watch it. I am sure you won't be sorry. Once I get my new server up I will probably have a few video clips and such. But, for now, it will just be pictures and my words. Gimme about a week. I think I should be done by then (I haven't started yet).

This will probably be the last mammoth entry for some time. I'm not going out of the country anytime soon and I'm not going to be switching jobs anytime soon, that's for sure. I just don't see any major events coming my way in the near future. Hey, maybe I will meet someone (!?)??? I will be adding the pictures from the skiing trip and the page I just mentioned. We'll see what comes next.

Thursday January 8, 1998



I moved my last entry to my 'Inside My Head' page because I thought it belonged there a little more than it did here. There are a couple of things I want to mention:
First, to date, I have received 5 voicemail messages from 4 different people. Thank-yous to Angie, Marylou, Pete, and one other woman I can't remember (sorry!). Im not at home writing this so I can't look at my ICQ list to remind me. Two people called and chickened out and didn't leave messages -- they just hung up. They got to hear my voice for FREE and I didn't get to hear their's. Man... I feel molested! I feel used! :-) Did you think I was gonna get a lot more??? I did!!! With the amount of email I've recieved in the past and the number of ICQ people I have, I thought I would get a lot more. I will be turning it off on the 21st of this month and that will be it so hurry up and call if you got somthing to say. My email messages have dropped off considerably the last couple of weeks. I get only a couple a week now. But I guess I have been having a hard time answering the ones I do get lately. Hey, I know how I can generate more feedback. LISTEN UP!!! I AM GOING TO PERMANENTLY REMOVE **ALL** OF THE HAIR FROM MY CHEST NEXT MONTH!!! ...That should generate some responses. :-)
I am supposed to go skiing this weekend but the weather has been SOOO warm (65 when its supposed to be 45) that it looks like there wont be any snow. And its been raining for the past 3 days. This shit is so lame. It's somewhere in West Virginia -- I can't remember what the name of it is. It's 4 hours away, I do remember that. It will be me, John, Kim, and 8 other people. Sorry, you won't be able to see me sleep this weekend... I have already agreed to go and paid my $75 so it wouldn't be fair to everyone else to have to pay extra if I bailed on them. John and I rented Skies on Saturday and we just arranged for our refunds. Man, this sux. If there IS snow, we will just have to rent them from the lodge where we are staying.
One final note.. When you see my pages updated and they don't seem complete or you are unsure if I'm done making a change of some sort. Check my 'whats new' page and if there isn't anything mentioned about the change you see, it means I'm not done. Always remember that. I will probably add this comment to my faq when I have the time.

Wednesday December 31, 1997



Moved to my 'Inside My Head' page.





Sunday December 21. 1997

What, am I kidding??? No! Why would I kid around about something like this??? Yes, you can actually leave me a one minute voice message for FREE! Why am I doing this?? Am I going psycho!? Am I desperate for attention!? Am I a complete idiot!? Well, you never know, but all I can tell you for sure is that I am getting rid of this pager and getting a cell phone (a digital Sprint Spectrum phone). Well, actually, I already have it (got it last night), but I'm holding on to the pager for a little longer to make the transition smooth. Since I'm getting rid of the pager, I thought it would be fun to let ya'll leave me some voicemail instead of that email stuff you've been sending me. Again, as long as you are calling from somewhere in the United States. I don't know if this includes Alaska and Hawaii, however. Also, you have to call from a "normal" phone. If you call from a cell phone, for instance, you still have to pay some kind of charge for air time. You can call from a cell phone if you want to, but you will have to pay for it. If you are skeptical about my claims, just goto a pay phone and leave me a message from there. I should mention that I have come across a couple of pay phones that don't like 888 numbers. So if you run into one of those yourself, just goto some other phone across town or something and try again. I really have no idea how many responses I will get and I THINK I can store upto 10 messages at a time so I think it won't accept any more messages until I listen to and delete some. So call me up and say somethin'! Tell me how much you love me or curse me out. I can take it!
The number is..... not in existence anymore
(no bomb threats, please)

Friday December 19, 1997

A couple of things have happened in the past two weeks that I think may be worth mentioning. I'm not in the mood to write a novel, so I'll just get right to the point..
My job search seems a bit brighter as of late. I finally got my resume done and disseminated to 3 different companies so far, including the company my friend John works for. John's boss actually came up to him and told him that he was impressed with it (he knows John and I are friends, of course). He also said they will probably get things rolling around the new year. So, it looks like I'll at least have an interview. I'm also looking into taking an MCSE course. It's a grueling, 11-day 8hr/day, boot-up-yer-ass camp course provided by Ameritrain. Gee, I only wish I had 4,400 bucks laying around somewhere. Welp, glad I have good credit.
You may or may not have been aware of the problems I have been having with my web page, namely my camera. Well, the first thing that happened was my Windows 95 had a conniption. John lent me a laptop and some network equipment so I could have a client computer for my Win NT server so I can experiment with networking. My computer freaked for some reason when I installed the drivers and I got a IOS error when I rebooted and windows wouldn't load all the way unless I went into safe mode. After I dicked around with some ideas I decided to remove all of the system drivers. You know.. the system drivers.. the ones you are not supposed to remove. Well, you see, I can do this because I am a computer nerd (but, I'm a KOOL computer nerd!) so I know what I'm doing (usually). It was a rough ride, but I got everything working except the camera and my CDROM dive. Both of which I needed to install the drivers from the CD and actually USE the camera. Even if the CDROM drive was working, I couldn't find the CD with the camera drivers on it and Connectix won't give them to you for free, you have to buy the CD for $10 (bunch of jerks). So, anyway, the next day I got the CDROM drive working and I found the connectix CD so the camera was working. Then, last night, I went to change the update of my camera from 60 seconds to 30 seconds (REAL simple procedure, folks). After I did, any editor or browser I tried to load the page on would NOT load the image. I think what happened was the html file got corrupted -- things looked a little weird. So, since it has been such a quiet day here at work, I found the time to re-do the cam page and it still is not working right. It won't load the new image. I have even taken code from other pages and it STILL won't work. I dont know that the deal is but I am still working on the problem

Friday December 5, 1997

As a result of my recent laziness/business, I have failed to mention a few things that have happened since my last entry. First of all, I no longer work in Silver Spring, MD. I have been cast into the depths of downtown Washington D.C. Two weeks ago this past Wednesday my boss paid me a visit and informed me that the group of DHHS that I was stationed at could no longer afford to staff me there so I would have to be transferred to a new contract: the ASMB group of the Dep. of Health and Human Services. I am now in the Hubert Humphrey building -- 200 Independence Ave. SW D.C. right next to the Capital Building. I knew my cozy little spot wouldn't last for ever. I did think, however, that it would last longer than it did.
This changed a few things in my daily routine. I actually park in the same place as I used to every day, right next to the the building I used to work in. The difference is I walk down the street to the D.C. subway station (its called the Metro) and ride the Metro into D.C. I also have to dress up now. There was a very relaxed dress code for the Silver Spring building I was in because they are still moving into the building and there are certain tasks that we may have to do that might mess up our good clothes. What this all adds up to is: Instead of a 35-45 minute commute it is now an 1hr and 15 to 30 minute commute each way and I now spend $150 a month just to GET to work because of parking ($3/day) and the Metro ($4.20/day). It is taking up way too much of my free time and getting way too expensive to work for these bastards. Which is why I am in the process of updating my resume. You see, their trick is to exaggerate the status of my position to the government to justify the large amounts of tax dollars the government pays AMI to staff me. Then they pay me a lower salary than would be expected of that position to keep mo' money fo' dem selves. This job was a temporary measure to begin with but I didn't expect to enjoy it as much as I did. It's cool and all working in a famous place with important people (Donna Shalala is on the floor above me -- been through her office a few times but I haven't seen her yet) But, the time has come to move on and, hopefully, to a more long-term position. My good buddy John has a connection with a company his company cooperates with. My resume will be on that guy's desk Monday morning and ya'll will hear about it.

The other recent event came a week later last Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving. The night before, my friend Scott called me up and said "What are you doin' tomorrow night?". I said "I don't know, what are we doin'?".
"You wanna goto the Cancun Cantina?"
"Hell yeah, man!"
Scott also informed me that some girls that his girlfriend (Gina) works with were going to meet us there. Something I kept in mind but didn't get excited about. Now.. my intention, actually, was to just go there and check the place out. Meeting anyone was only a secondary objective or.. a target of opportunity. The Primary objective was to be reconnaissance only. Every Wednesday night is ladies night, I was told. That usually means something like, women don't pay a cover charge and/or drinks are reduced price or free. Well, That's what it means for the women. For the guys, such as myself, ladies night means MORE DRUNK WOMEN!!! :-) Hehehe.. actually, I would prefer that any woman I choose to strike up a conversation with not be toasted. The Cancun Cantina, located in/near Glen Burnie, MD (just South of Baltimore) used to be a big country two-steppin' joint but they expanded and opened up a big house/dance club-type room. It's now a restaurant/bar/dance club joint. I had never been there before, but when I got there I was rather impressed. One of the pros about the place was you had to be 21 to get in. No more 14 year-olds at the club, boys and girls. I'm talking about Louie Louie's, by the way.
So, we get in and we wade through all of the country folk to get over to the dance side and guess what? It's.. like.. DEAD! I was like, "ummm... uhhhhh... ummm.. okay.. well, let's see what happens". I didn't think to look at my pager and realize it was only ten after nine PM. So, I got a turkey breast sandwich (yup, gotta love them breasts!) to help soak up any alcohol I would be drinking because I chose to be the DD. About a half hour later, people really started to filter in and by ten PM the place was PACKED. I was standing at the entrance door to the room the whole time and, man, I tell you I have never seen so many good lookin' women in one place before in my entire life! Now let's not forget, people, that lately I've been having a hard time just finding someone I'm really attracted to to begin with. I was standing there thinkin' "The place is clean, the food is good, the price is decent, the music is good, and the women are too." I was startin' to like this place!
Not only that, but I was getting a lot of looks and making a lot of eye contact. I guess I was finally in the right age group? I think I mentioned this before, but older woman have always had a thing for me. My experience with this web page reinforces this fact once again. The age of the women that contact me the most: 27-30, amazing. Well, Gina's friends finally arrived. Of course, the one I liked the most was hitched. This was no big deal, of course, because I was only there to case the place, right? :-) Scott, by this time, was extra crispy. He used to drink a LOT but not anymore. His tolerance is basically nonexistent these days. Personally, I like it that way, I hate having to drink forever before I feel anything. I'm talking about me 2 years ago when I would go out dancing twice a week: I built up quite an annoying tolerance.
On a lighter note... From time to time that night I thought about the last experience I had at Fell's Pointe and the memories of past months I was trying to forget. I didn't dwell on anything.. just glanced, maybe. I felt from the very start, when I walked in the door that night, that things seemed different. My past wasn't bothering me for some reason. The sights and sounds weren't bringing back any bad feelings or memories. I just simply wasn't thinking about those things. I recognized that I was trying to start over. Well.. I have been for a while now but maybe I was finally escaping those pains and memories. What better way to do it than a fresh new place with new and different people. I think everyone should do what I often do through out different times in life. Every once in a while just stop what you are doing and look around. You don't even have to do it for a long time at all, just 30 seconds or a minute is all it takes. Just stop and look around and take in everything there is to take in around you.
At one point later in the night I was sitting at one of the bars and one of the girls Gina works with ended up sitting next to me. I was just sittin' there people watching and suddenly she asks me if I danced at all. I told her it had been a long time. I also said I needed a few more drinks in me anyway, she giggled and agreed. It's hard to remember little details but I remember we started talking about college. I asked her what she wanted to do with her life. She told me she wanted to be a teacher. She said she just finished her BA and wants to go back for her masters and that she loved school. With a smirk on my face, I told her she was weird. Then she laughed and said "Actually, I would just like to get married and have 4 kids." Now.. on the outside, I raised my eye brows, nodded my head, calmly took another sip of my drink, and said "Oh.. really." But on the inside it felt like a thousand volts went trough my heart and I was thinking "***HOLY SHIT!!! I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE SHE JUST SAID THAT TO ME!!!***" Man... I can't fucking believe she said that to me. It reminds me of that classic scene where a man and a woman are having a conversation and he goes to take a drink and she breaks some kind of shocking news to him (pregnancy for instance) and he spits out whatever he was drinking. That comment hit me like a freight train. I did NOT expect her to say that at all. I actually admired her quite a bit for saying that. I mean, shit, when was the last time you went to a social gathering of some sort, you meet someone, and they tell you they just want to get married and have kids??? I think the setting added to the shock factor as well. Usually people goto places like this to meet people, not scare them away before they get to know them. She didn't seem to care and that really surprised me. On the other hand, it's a good way to weed out people just lookin' to do you for the night. Just tell 'em you wanna get married and have kids, then watch them disappear. I kept checking her left hand over and over again to see if.. you know.. Finally... there it was. A sparkling, little, solitary, diamond ring. I wasn't really interested in her all that much at this point, but my heart still got a little jolt from that discovery for some reason. I think at least part of the reason for that was the "just my luck" kinda reality hit me. Welcome to Ryan's world boys and girls! We actually got to the subject of relationships a little later. I told her I was engaged until recently. Then she told me she knew(!?). I thought "Damn, checkin' up on me, huh?". She told me she and her fiancé broke up for a while and he won her back. She also told me her father said he would give her $10,000 if she didn't marry this guy. Umm... now that didn't sound too good. I know that sounds rather odd, to say the least, but she didn't seem like she was kidding. I don't like to jump to conclusions, but I began to wonder if she wanted the marriage a little more than the guy she was with. A crime I wonder if I was guilty for in the past. After talking for a while we eventually just sat there at the bar and watched what was going on around us. I was sitting just a bit behind her so I was able to look at her sometimes without her noticing. I found myself constantly glancing at her. I guess I should describe her at least? She was short -- about 5'2" or 5'3", cute face, long strait brown hair, slim but not skinny, decent size chest (sorry girls but it's an item on a guys list of details). She was definitely a good lookin' girl, and her name was Lisa.

She was sitting on the stool next to me with her hands resting on her legs and I began to stare..................
......................She had very nice, small, feminine hands with long nails. She was wareing a form-fitting, black, low-cut spandex-type shirt that accentuated her petite figure and her slim arms and her little hands with a hair scrunchy around her wrist. I wished I could touch her hands and feel her soft skin. I wished I could hug her and feel the curves of her warm body against me and smell her hair in my face and run my fingers over and through her cool soft strands...................

My body screams to feel these simple pleasures once again. Why am I single you ask? One reason is that its excruciatingly painful to have something that is absolutely priceless, and then suddenly lose it. If I am going to extend myself to include someone else, I have be as certain as possible that I won't ever lose them and have to tare myself away from them and bury them and forget them forever. There is something about women like her that I adore so much. I think its the thought of having this person like myself who thinks and feels, who has hopes, dreams, and aspirations, who loves and cares just like myself. This person, this human being, I can surround with my own body and comfort and protect her. Just imagine if I loved this person... and then they were gone. There are lots of advantages to being a sensitive person like as myself. But being able to feel more also has its price and a high price I am paying, indeed. Because with the advantage of feeling more, comes the disadvantage of hurting more.

Scott eventually came over and told us to come on out to the dance floor. We did, but I didn't dance. Lisa began dancing with her fiancé's best man (just for fun, of course). I guess she had enough to drink?? I donno. I didn't care to dance at all, really. I was enjoying myself. I walked around some and watched people and whatever. I thought about Lisa a bit and came to a conclusion: she was a lot like my ex. By the way... that's not a good thing. I don't mean to jump to conclusions at all but she was. No matter.. she has chosen someone else, although it doesn't sound like the best relationship from what I heard.
That's about it, really.. I never got to say goodbye to Lisa, unfortunately. But I guess I will see her again. I am definitely going back there. Its been 2 weeks now and I haven't yet, unfortunately. Scott told me they all want to goto a place in Laurel called Dinosaur's. It's a decent place but there aren't nearly as many people and it is really expensive. I donno what I'm gonna do. Regardless... the search continues... and so does life.

Monday November 17, 1997

Friday night I moved out of my parents house and into my new place. I LOVE IT! I am very comfortable there. I managed to beat the rain and didn't get wet. It took about 2 hours to get 2 of my friends to that were gonna help, go get my new waterbed, Goto my house and get the majority of my stuff, and then take it to my new place. I was up until 5am moving stuff around and setting up my waterbed. The bitch part is the fact that the hose adapter doesn't fit the faucet in the bathroom across the hallway so I have to drop the hose through my window and onto the deck behind the kitchen, through the sliding glass door and into the kitchen sink. I felt like the biggest idiot when I did it the first time the night I moved in there. Just visualize some guy feeding a hose through his bedroom window at 3am. I actually managed to do it all without waking anyone up. Unfortunately, not only did I forget the safety liner in my friend Chad's truck (to contain a leak if it happened) but I goofed putting the bed together (oops) so I had to redo half of it -- which involved draining and refilling it. It wasn't all that bad.

My new phone line will not be installed until Thursday the 20th so my camera will not be up until then -- possibly Friday. I have access to the phone line there but I have to be considerate of the other people and cant spend hours on line with the camera running.