The Justice League of Ashland: Prologue (solo)

Posted by The DaDamerican on November 09, 1996 at 13:27:16:

NYC, Weinstein Room 433, NYU.

Joe Rice, sometimes known as The Jester, sometimes known as The DaDamerican, sat in his dorm room. His ears were still ringing from seeing The Refreshments at Irving Plaza the night before. Then another ring came, one he'd not heard in a while. Someone was using the Oscillating Impregnatron to summon him to JLAshland headquarters. He quickly grabbed his DaDamerican costume out of the secret compartment in his closet, just for old time's sake. Then he got in the closet. Removing a secret panel, he activated the JLAshland transporter he had installed. Moments later he was at the HQ in Ashland, Kentucky.

Infinite Mike greeted him in his cold, calculated voice. "DaDamerican. Good. You are needed."

Also at the HQ was El Wood, the Swashbuckling Spanish Rogue; The Battling Beatnik; Ice Queen; and Kung Fu.

"What's the problem?" Joe asked. El Wood pointed his saber at the monitor screen. On it, Joe saw their old nemesis, Dr. Fuller. It wasn't a good villainous name, but Dr. Fuller wasn't a good villain. His claim to fame was the creation of Transformer-type robots. Only they were always really lame. Still, they had to be rounded up.

"I *HATE* that freak!" Ice Queen said. "He's . . .disgusting!"

Kung Fu stepped forward. "Well, what are we waiting for? Let's kick some @$$!"

Subject: Chapter 1 : Is it cold in here?

Posted by Infinite Mike on November 09, 1996 at 18:19:52

Outside JLA Headquarters :

The JLA was being reunited to fight an old foe, Dr. Fuller. This was the first time most of the members had seen each other since the break-up. As they left Headquarters, there was the general chit-chat that's always present when old friends are reunited.

"Ice Queen!!" DaDamerican exclaimed. "Have I told you how beautiful you look today. Rarrrrrrrrrr! It's been so long..." The Ice Queen turned and gave DaDamerican a warm smile.

"Joe, come over here, and I'll give you something that you haven't

had for quite some time."

Joe joyfully bounded over to the Ice Queen, and was immediately encased in a block of ice. "It's been too short, if you ask me!" she muttered.

With a few swipes of El Wood's sword, DaDamerican was freed from his icy tomb. He fell to the ground. "C-C-C-C-Coooooollllllldddddddd. Soooo Cooollddddd"

Infinite Mike spoke up. "Hey guys, save the greetings for later, okay? Remember, we DO have a job to do."

Chapter 2: Less than meets the eye?

Posted by The DaDamerican on November 10, 1996 at 15:54:23:

Kung Fu drew a katana. "Infinite Mike is right."

I.M. drew his red cloak around him and over his head. "Of course I am. I'm *Infinite* Mike. Quickly, everyone grab hands."

"Hey, there, Ice Queen. I *like* this!"

"Shut up DaDamerican. You know I hate touching you."

Joe just winked at her. A second later, they were at the sight of Dr. Fuller and his Transformers' havoc. Fuller gave the command, and his robots began to change . . .into incredibly useless things: toilet paper, a crippled goldfish, a refrigerator, etc. Kung Fu dispatched of three with one stroke of his blade. Ice Queen froze another two. El Wood swung in on a vine no one had noticed before, and rescued the civilians. The Battling Beatnik, spouting poetry, bounded into the battle, taking out the Transformer still in robot form. Infinite Mike teleported one to the center of a volcano. The DaDamerican ran to Dr. Fuller himself. When he got there, all his precious robots were destroyed.

"I HATE MYSELF! I'M THE WORST VILLAIN IN THE WORLD! I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!" Fuller screamed.

"There, there, Jason. Stop hitting yourself. Stop that. We'll get you help. No, you don't need to kill yourself . . ." El Wood tried to console the mad Doctor.

***************

In a dark cavern, a corpulent man in a robe laughed. Fuller *had* done something right. He provided a lovely distraction. Bill the Evil had easily stolen the ancient Dagger of Kali, last owned by Aleister Crowley. And soon, he would use it to finally destroy the entire Justice League!

Chapter 3: The Real Chapter 3

Posted by Battling Beatnik on November 11, 1996 at 07:37:15:

Bill the Evil and his loyal henchman, Gremlin Lee are pacing around the life-size chess set at the center of his subterranean lair. Bill the Evil is playing himself and making Gremlin Lee move the pieces for him. "Yes! Thanks to Dr. Fuller's pitiful, although successful distraction, we are able to continue our true plan."

"And what would our true plan be, oh evil Bill the Evil," mutters the gremlin as he tries to pick up the three hundred pound rook.

"Don't you remember? Of course not, your just a gremlin; an unsuccessful attempt at splicing human and toad DNA. Anyway, our truly evil plan is to lure the JLA into a trap so that I may use our new treasure here to dispense of them."

"Oh! Oh! A wonderful plan! But how do we lure them into our trap?"

Bill the Evil walks off the board to his throne and lifts up the Dagger of Kali so that light from nowhere bounces off of it and fills the room, making Gremlin Lee hide behind one of the pawns.

"All we need is some bait, my gremlin. One of their old members, Flotarr will do."

"But master, master, no one knows where Flotarr is."

"Well I've found him you stupid Gremlin. He is in the care of a nursing home in Catlettsburg, a subdivision of Ashland. Apparently he has experienced a side effect from his growing ability and has become very large and very stupid. I discovered him when he called in on the Mr. Cartoon Show begging for Road Runner reruns."

"What must I do, oh very evil Bill the Evil?" Gremlin Lee then begins dawning his Bill the Evil henchman costume which consists of little more than a T-shirt and a funny hat.

"I don't care what you do Gremlin Lee, but get him here. I will begin preparing a cell capable of containing him. Oh, and before you leave, have my pawn take my queen."

Gremlin Lee moves the pawn into the queen's space and a trapdoor opens up, sucking the queen piece into some abysmal pit. "Hehehehehe!"

"Now go!"

Chapter 4 : Echoes of the future.

Posted by Infinite Mike on November 11, 1996 at 21:03:48:

Ashland :

Scattered all around the JLA were the remains of Dr. Fuller's lame transformers. As far as they could tell, all the robots had been destroyed. Suddenly, Kung Fu yells "Hey guys come over here!" In front of him was a Transformer that had turned into a pizza oven. And it had pizza in it! "All right, who wants pepperoni?"

Luckily, there was enough pizza for everyone. Who knows what might have happened otherwise... The League sat on some robot parts lying around and began talking about the good ol' days. The only member not there was El Wood, who was still trying to console Dr. Fuller who was still hitting himself and yelling at himself. Fuller did stop this for a brief second to yell "NO!!!" at El Wood, who had asked him if he needed a hug.

Joe then turned to Infinite Mike. "Why did you bring us here? It's great to see you guys again, but I thought that there was some serious threat or something. It would only have taken 2 of us to destroy Fuller's transformers."

I.M. then turned to Joe, but there was something different about Mike. For the first time that Joe could remember, Mike looked worried. All that I.M. said was "I don't know."

"There has to be some reason you brought us here. It's not like you to organize reunions."

"True." There was a long pause. "Before I called any of you, I had come back to Ashland, and went by HQ for old times sake. I was in the basement, and heard a noise behind me. El Wood appeared in front of me. He was severely injured and in a great deal of pain. He managed to say 'Call them. Call them.' and then fell into a bloody heap on the floor and died."

As this point several looked back to see if El Wood was still there trying to comfort Dr. Fuller.

I.M. continued "I first called El Wood. As I did this, the corpse, the blood, everything disappeared. The room was as it was before. El Wood answered, much to my relief. We had a lengthy discussion about this. We decided that for some reason or another that in the future, I teleported him back in time to me to give me that message. That would also explain why the dead El Wood disappeared. When I called him, I changed the future from which he came, so that bloody El Wood will never exist. I don't know anything more. It's just a feeling that something terrible is going to happen. I don't know when or where. It just is."

Chapter 5: Where’s Flotarr?

Posted by The DaDamerican on November 12, 1996 at 16:40:14:

Ashland, JLAshland HQ

Joe was not terribly happy. Infinite Mike was worried. That didn't happen much, and it was never reassuring. They put out an emergency signal to all JLAshland members past and present to be on their guard. Girl Man and Heartman actually came to the HQ. All were accounted for except Flotarr.

"Where is that moron?" Ice Queen said flatly.

"Ice Queen, he's not *that* bad . . ." El Wood said, not very convincingly. Ice Queen just narrowed her eyes.

"He's incompetent. He's degenerated even further, from what I've heard. I say he's a liability."

"Still, Kung Fu, I think we need to check him out. He could be in danger. I'm the only one who knows where he is. I'll go."

"Be careful, Joe. Give him our regards."

"Sure, Girl Man."

Chapter 6: Did you say Catlettsburg?

Posted by Battling Beatnik on November 13, 1996 at 18:01:55:

Ashland: the Catlettsburg subdivision

It takes the daring DaDamerican a good 58 minutes to get to the nursing home in Catlettsburg via the tangle of backroads. You can get to anywhere in Ashland in under an hour. It's a tall building, about eight stories with a marvelous northern view of the flood bank. Yes, he could have just had Infinite Mike teleport him there, but that gets old after a while. Inside, Joe (DaDamerican) is met by the most gorgeous nurse in all creation.

"May I help you, sir, or are you just completely lost?"

Joe realizes that he hasn't changed out of his costume and his hair's all messed up from riding with the window down. He also notices the nurses overpowering accent. But she has some wit, and DaDamerican likes wit. "Actually, I'm looking for an old friend. You might know him as Mr. Patrick." DaDamerican's trying to be smooth.

"Ah, yes. Follow me." The nurse isn't trying to be smooth. "You say you're a friend?"

"Yes, I'm a very good friend. How about we . . ."

"Another one of your friends is in there with Mr. Patrick now."

"Pardon? Did you say another one of my friends?" The smoothness is gone and an air of caution has overcome this JLAshland member.

"Oh, yes. A something Lee. Not quite as handsome as...?" She stops herself. Now the nurse is being smooth, but before DaDamerican can catch on an explosion launches the double doors ahead into them.

They wake up on the ground back at the front doors. This room is fine, but the hall they were walking down is completely charred. Towering over them is the oversized body of his old companion, Flotarr. He's laughing a stupid laugh like any oversized mutant doped up on pain killers and experimental medicine would. A group of men in silly looking T-shirts enter the room. DaDamerican can't read what's written on them because of the trauma from the explosion. He can hardly move.

A gremlin-like voice in the background utters, "Well, well, well. What do we have here? The fearless DaDamerican and some silly local."

Joe recognizes the voice as Gremlin Lee, but he still can't quite retort.

"Funny," dumps out of the doped up giant. "Big brother Lee, bad man?"

"Yes, little brother Flotarr. A very, very bad man. Eh, eh, eh!"

Just as Flotarr is reaching down for out debilitated hero a large, attractive motorcycle crashes through the window and smashes into Flotarr's chest, knocking him to the ground. It's the Battling Beatnik! As soon as he gets up though, Gremlin Lee, his thugs, and Flotarr are nowhere to be seen.

"That's not even a poem!"

The nurse rolls over to DaDamerican, "My hero!" She then proceeds to kiss him a lot. I mean a lot!

"Aye! Wait a minute!" The Battling Beatnik isn't happy with this end.

Chapter 7: Easy Rider, Easy Cheez, and Easy E

Posted by DaDamerican on November 18, 1996 at 22:02:11:

When the nurse was finished smooching a while later, the DaDamerican looked at the Battling Beatnik. "How'd you know I was here?"

"Aye! It's my Beatnik mystic sense, you krazy kid! Know what I mean?"

The DaDamerican had no idea what he meant. "Yeah, sure," he said.

"So, what was all that about, big bad Dadaman?"

"I don't really know. That was Gremlin Lee kidnapping Flotarr. He's corrupted our former comrade into thinking *we're* the bad ones."

"Aye! With his strength, that's no so cool. Still, I'll take him on by myself. I'll beat him at pool." The Battling Beatnik laughed enigmatically.

****************

The DaDamobile, on the way to JLAshland HQ.

"Crime is the quandary, I am the solution. That's how it must be. Don't need the Miranda or the Constitution, Vigilante!" Joe liked to sing in the DaDamobile. And this particular selection from the groovy sounds of Love Jones seemed apt. The Beatnik blew by on his chopper. A very fast bike. Joe thought to himself.

"Gremlin Lee. He's probably not acting on his own. It takes someone bigger to pull his little strings. I've got a bad feeling about this . . ."

The thoughts didn't last *too* long. At the next stop light, Joe noticed a lovely lady looking at him. "It's good to be a super-hero!"

*****************

A dark lair.

"So, Bill is good, too? Flotarr like Bill cuz he nice to him! Give him buncha beer! Oboyoboy!"

"That's right, Flotarr. That's right. And who do we hate?"

"FLOTARR HATE THE JUSTIF LEEG!"

"Close enough."

Chapter 8: Bill Is Smitten and Smote

Posted by Kung Fu on November 21, 1996 at 14:33:31:

Evil Cave in Rush, KY

"Master!"

"What is it, Gremlin Lee?"

"Master I did good, didn't I? I did good."

"Yes Gremlin Lee, you did WELL. You didn't do good, for good is a state of being and also it would imply that you were doing good as in good deeds, and you know we can't have that. God I'm so smart."

"Master, you are right."

"Well of course I'm right. I'm EEEEEEEVVVVVIIIIILLLLL

BBBBBBIIIIIILLLLLL! Moo hoo ha ha. You did forget one thing as

usual, though."

"What is it master?"

"You forgot my vacuum cleaner."

"Oh, yes master. I'm so sorry. Please don't beat me with your superior intellect."

"Don't worry, Gremlin Lee. I'm a fair and just Arch Villain. Now be gone to your cellar, and don't forget to lock the door this time. I don't want any of your "girl friends" coming up stairs in the middle of the night."

"Yes master."

"Little does he know that I plan to sell him to a traveling freak show after I kill the infernal Justice League!"

"Now, to formulate my terrible, despicable, and utterly EVIL plans." Bill stood and retires to his Throne of Despicability. "My, has the mail come. I wonder if I'll get the new issue of "300 Bound Beauties" today. Now, to contend with the Justice League. I need a way to kill them so I can rule the world. It seems as if they always get in the way, just when I'm about to take over all creation. I know! I'll set a trap!" With saying "trap" Evil Bill slams his fist to the arm of the chair. "All I need now is some bait . . . and what would make better bait then an innocent citizen . . ."

********************

Back at JLA headquarters:

"Infinite Mike! They've stolen Flotarr to the dark side." said DaDamerican, frantically.

"Is that so, Kung Fu?"

"Yes, IM. They also stole his soul and made him wear Indian

beads."

"WHAT! Indian beads. That's so evil. Perhaps we've underestimated Evil Bill's evilness. That won't last long."

"Sir," said the Beatnik. "I think this stinks. Evil Bill is being too quiet, something's going down."

Kung fu began pacing impatiently.

"Kung Fu? What's wrong?"

"He's feeling apprehension. He doesn't really know what's happening." said Heartman.

"I can't stand this any longer. There is something I need to tell you. I used to be best friends with Evil Bill in junior high school. We were in . . . band together."

The entire room falls to the floor, cackling like witches.

"How can you laugh?"

"Because you were friends with Evil Bill at some time in your life." said the DaDamerican. The JLA-Tron begins beeping and chirping.

"What do we do, Infinite Mike?" asked Heartman.

"It looks as if Evil Bill has enlisted the help of the Ogre, Mrs. Neutons and is destroying the ghetto."

"Than lets go fight some crime!" said they all in unison.

******************

The ghetto

"Mooo hooo haa ha. The JLA can't resist trying to save the ghetto. They'll surely show and when they do, I'll crush them! Mrs. Neutons, Gremlin Lee, Flotarr: destroy everything you can!"

(Tires screeching) "What’s that?" shouted Evil Bill.

"Why it's the Justice League, here to kick some butt!" shouted the Justice League.

"Some Butt shall be kicked, but who's is left to be seen." replied Evil Bill. "Destroy them, destroy them all!"

"Come my pretties!" says Gremlin Lee to his Leprechaun minions. "Kill, rape and pillage everything and everyone.

(Crashes, bangs, and booms) "Kung Fu, I think we better fall back. We're being overwhelmed. There are too many of them." A large explosion throws the DaDamerican from his feet.

"Get up. We can't stop fighting or he'll win. We must win, for the sake of all the tar babies in this ghetto we must." in shouting, Kung Fu doesn't realize that Flotarr is aiming a large radioactive gun of fun at him.

"Flotarr hate JUSTIF LEEG. Flotarr hate Kung Fu. Flotarr destroy Kung Fu!"

"Look out!" shouted DaDamerican. Alas it was too late. All that was left of Kung Fu was his sword. The smoke billowed as Flotarr laughed, maniacally.

"Kung Fu. Nooooooooooooooooooooooo! Flotarr you've killed Kung Fu!"

As this is said, funky music begins playing, and the sky darkens as a black man steps into the street. Confidently, he strutted down the street to the battle scene, which has now ceased in wonderment.

"Who's that!" shouted Evil Bill.

"Super Shaft!"

The black man approaches.

"Hark. What be thy name?" said Mrs. Neutons.

"Yo, my name is Victor P. Gaines, and you interruptin' the pimpin' of my ho's. Now kindly, I'd appreciate if you quit destroyin' the ghetto so that I may pimp my ho's."

"Do you know who to whom you are speaking?" shouted Evil Bill, pompously.

"Yea, I know. You some honkey tryin' to clean up da' ghetto so's you can build yo' big high rise motels and car dealerships."

"Close." said Evil Bill, trying to figure out what the hell the black man was saying. "I'm EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVVVVVVVVVVVVVIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLL BBBBBBBBBIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLL! Soon to be ruler of all

people, including blacks."

"Ain't no way that happenin'. My great grand pappy was a slave to the man all his life, ain’t no way I'm goin’ to be one to."

"Well believe it. I'm EEEEEEEVVVVVVIIIIIILLLLLL

BBBBBBIIIIIILLLLL and I'm so smart, I smell funny!"

"One mo' word out yo' mouth, I'll hafta break it."

"I'm going to crush you like an insect!"

"All right you fried chicken eatin' baloney smellin' like honkey, let's throw down!" Vic Gaines reaches into his pocket and throws money to the ground.

"Flotarr, use that gun to kill him!" Flotarr turns the ridiculous gun on the black man.

"Boy, what chu' gonna do with that . . . 'cept make me mad?" He takes of his hat, sets his cane aside, and assumes a kung fu fighting position.

Chapter Nine: I'm Just Talkin' Bout Super Shaft

Posted by DaDamerican on December 04, 1996 at 18:33:36:

The Ashland Ghetto/Projects (lock your doors!)

Flotarr aimed the gun at Vic. Then, confusedly, he said, "He no look like Flotarr! He difernt skin! Aleun like on teevee?"

"What the Hell you talkin' bout, you big unjive honkey?"

"Him talk difernt too! Flotarr skared uv aleun!" And with that, Flotarr bounded away. Evil Bill knew that he needed the firepower provided by the intellectually emaciated former leaguer. With an eldritch chant and gesture, he disappeared in a dark cloud.

His voice lingered a second longer. "You shall be defeated, o ignorant ones! So says EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIIIIIIIIIILLL BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLL!!!!!"

Ice Queen had imprisoned Mrs. Neutons in an ice-cage. "Stay there, ogre. Don't make me mad."

"I suggest a hasty return to headquarters."

"Good idea, Infinite Mike. But what about Kung Fu?"

"Dig, man. I'm gettin real wacky vibes off his blades, man. I say we take them with us. I don't think we seen the last of ol' Kung Fu."

"Don't be ridiculous, BB! We saw Flotarr disintegrate him with that ray-gun! He's dead! Sure, I'll miss him, but let's face the facts!"

"Ice Queen! Beatnik! Stop bickering! We need to get back to headquarters and form a plan. I.M., can you 'port us?"

"Well, Joe, it's like this. If I teleport you all right now, I'll be too drained to do anything else for a while."

"Understood. Girl Man, you fly ahead with I.M. I'll use the homing signal on the DaDamobile to get us a ride. Beatnik, your chopper handy?"

"As can be, DaDaman."

"I'll ride with him," Heart-Man said.

"Excellent. See you there."

Chapter Ten : Insanity abounds

Posted by Infinite Mike on December 05, 1996 at 10:45:32:

JLA HQ :

Everyone arrived back at headquarters, that is except for Kung Fu.

"Guys, we now have two major problems on our hands," Infinite Mike started. "First of all, there is the problem with EEEEEEVVVVVVVVIIIIIIILLLLLLL BBBBBBBBIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL. And second, Flotarr is on the loose, and he is very large and very dumb. Who knows what he might do."

"But what can we do now?"

"I have no idea right now, DaDamerican. But, El Wood and I were working on something before the rest of you arrived. It may help."

With that I.M. revealed the new and improved JLA Ultimate Computer.

"I want to demonstrate the computer!! I want to demonstrate the computer!!" El Wood yelled enthusiastically.

"OK, OK. Yeesh!!"

"Computer, red alert." Little lights on all the computer interfaces flashed red. "Computer, yellow alert." All the lights flashed yellow. "Computer, blue alert." The lights changed to blue.

"El Wood!! What is the point of this!! It serves no function!!"

"But doesn't it look really cool! Computer, green alert, brown alert, fuschia alert, pink alert. Wheeee!! Look at all the pretty colors!!!!"

"Someone get him outta here!" yelled Ice Queen. Some of the nearby JLA members held El Wood, while BB went to get the duct tape.

"I think that he's had too much Mountain Dew today. It's a pity" I.M. sighed.

When El Wood was successfully taped to the ceiling, I.M. went over to the JLA Ultimate Computer. After a few voice commands, a map of Ashland, and the outlying Boyd County were displayed on the main viewscreen.

"I managed to teleport a small bug onto Bill during the altercation in the Ghetto. I think that it is small enough, so Bill won't notice it for quite some time. You see that little blinking dot?"

The JLA crowded in for a better look.

"That dot is where Bill is. He's gone south and he's in the Rush area."