Chapter 11: Utah anyone?

Posted by Kung Fu on December 06, 1996 at 10:00:56:

Evil Cave, Rush KY

"Foiled again by that infernal Justice League. I'm too good not to destroy them. That's the problem, though. I'm OK, it's my henchmen that suck. I must needs to find better evil doers. The

ones I have now are too incompetent to wipe my butt, let alone

destroy the infernal Justice League, Dammit."

"Master. . ."

"What is it, you toad!" boomed Evil Bill, evilly.

"Well master, I know my intellect pales in comparison to yours, but I've heard stories of a person. . ."

"So have I, gremlin Lee: Santa Claus, Hercules, The Great Pumpkin. What is your point?"

"Well, you see, I've heard through the gremlin-vine that there is a woman in a place called O-tay. I think it's a state, but I may be wrong."

"O-tay. What in the hell is O-tay. You mean Oklahoma?"

"No, that's not it, but it's close."

"What about Oregon?"

"No, not it either."

"Alaska?"

"Nope."

"Saskatoon?"

"Not even."

"Um. . .Ophelia?" Evil Bill began patronizing Gremlin Lee.

"Hello, I said 'a state'."

"O-tay. Hmm, what state could be confused with O-tay. Sounds

like potato. Perhaps, you mean Idaho?"

"That's really close."

"O-tay . . . Utah!"

"That's it, oh wise and merciful master."

"So you say that there is a great woman in O-tay, I mean Utah."

"Yes master. A woman of great power."

"As great as mine?"

"No master. None can compare to your greatness."

"But she is powerful?"

"Yes master. Powerful and competent."

"The magic word. I dial up Utah on the Evil-Tron." The corpulent man frantically presses buttons on the computer, but nothing happens. "What's wrong with this thing. It won't work."

"Master, it's not plugged into the wall socket." The gremlin scurries behind the large computer and plugs the computer into the wall outlet. The computer perks up immediately. With a whir, the machine makes computer noises.

"Yes. I see. Well, I'm still incredibly intelligent!"

"Yes, master. I know."

"Now, back to the bigger fish. . . Lets see, Utah." A large map of Utah appears on the screen.

"Now find a woman who is powerful." The computer responds by showing a picture of Evil Bill.

"What! I'll have no such insolence from machines. Machines which I am obviously more intelligent than. Ahhhhhh!" Evil Bill stands and out of anger, punches the Evil-Tron. Consequently, he falls down in excruciating pain, while the computer makes mocking sounds. "Dammit all to hell. Gremlin, destroy this machine!"

"OK master." Gremlin presses a button and the machine disappears.

"What did you do?"

"Master, I simply pressed the "Make this machine disappear button. Duh."

"Shut up, you. I'm still greater than anything in creation."

"Yes master."

"Now, we must go to Utah to find my new henchman."

"Woman."

"Yes, like I said, henchwoman."

"Gremlin Lee, ready the Evil-plane. We ride at once!"

Meanwhile, in Utah

"Annie, what are you doing?" said Mormon Woman's room mate.

"I'm mending my superhero costume, of course. God you’re so stupid."

"Your superhero costume?"

"Yes, my superhero costume. Why don't you die?"

"I know where I'm not wanted." the room mate stood and left the room, slamming the door behind her.

"Don't let the door hit you in the rear on the way out!"

Her watch begins beeping. "Oh no, it's the Mormon Woman emergency beeping watch. Evil is being done. I must put a stop to evil for evil is evil and I can't have evil."

Leaping to her feat, Mormon Woman dons her costume and runs to the window. "I'm better than everyone!" she cries as she flies from the window.

Great Salt Lake

"Master, I've almost gotten all the salt from the lake."

"Good. Whoever this woman is, she'll not be able to resist saving the salt of the Great Salt Lake, and when she shows, I'll charm her into being mine, because I'm EEEEEEEEEEVVVVVVVVVVIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLL

BBBBBBBBIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!"

Overhead, in her invisible clothes, Mormon Woman sites a place to land so that she might begin fighting evil!

"Halt, you. . .incredibly sexy man, you."

"Master, it's working."

"I know. But the peculiar thing is, I haven't begun to lay on the charm."

"So, what brings a nice guy like you to a place like this?"

"I'm doing evil."

"My name's Mormon Woman, what's yours?"

"I'm EEEEEEEEEEEEVVVVVVVVVIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLL

BBBBBBBBBBIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLL." he boomed.

"Is that so."

"Yes. I'm sure you've heard of me."

"Yes, in fact I have. You've done some of the best evil ever done."

"Of course I have. I'm the greatest person of all time."

"What, that's impossible. I'm the greatest person of all time."

"No, no, no. You see, I'm Evil Bill and any idiot knows that there is no one better than Evil Bill."

"He's right, lady."

"Shut up Gremlin Lee."

"Well if you're so good, than why can I have invisible clothes."

"I don't know, really. But I know I sure do like it."

"Mental note, get a real costume. Shut up you sick, sick, freak."

"How can you tell me to shut up, I'm EEEEEEVVVVVVIIIIIILLLLLL . . .

"Yeah yeah, EEEEEEVVVVVVIIIIIIILLLL BBBBBBIIIIILLLLLL."

said Gremlin Lee in a mocking tone.

"Shut up!"

"Say, why don't you pick on someone your own size?"

"Say, why don't I?"

"Yeah, why don't you?"

"Gremlin Lee, go sit in the car."

"That's it, I'll not have talk to him like that any more." With that, Mormon Woman reaches into her pocket and pulls out a television.

"No, you can't."

"Yes I can, and I will." Mormon Woman turns on the television and Evil Bill falls to the ground, clutching his ears.

"No, you must turn it off. You must."

"I don't have to do nuthin' cept stay white and die. Take this, dog ear man!" Mormon draws an unflattering charicature of Evil Bill on a chalk board that appears out of nowhere.

"Now you've done it. Gremlin Lee, kill her."

"Master, yes I will."

"Ahh, don't touch me you ugly person." Alas her pleas fell on deaf ears. Gremlin Lee proceeded to touch her in familiar and unchristian ways. Enough so that she ran away.

"Next time, Evil Bill you'll get yours. I'll have a real costume, you butt-brain."

"Gremlin Lee, carry me to the Evil-mobile. We must get back to Evil Cave, before the Justice League arrive."

"Can do, master."

Evil Cave, Rush KY

"Tarnation, I can't have anything can I. And imagine her nerve, saying that she was the best person in the world. Huh, everyone knows that I am the worlds best person."

"Yes, master."

"Oh, she'll learn. Yes she'll learn, when I destroy her along with that infernal Justice League."

"Yes, master."

"Just one thing bother's me though, why didn't the infernal Justice League show to stop me from stealing all the salt from the Great Salt Lake?"

Chapter 12 : Who are you?

Posted by Infinite Mike on December 08, 1996 at 15:56:59:

JLA Headquarters -- JLA Ultimate Computer Room:

"OK guys! Time to figure out what to do about Evil Bill! To the What Do We Do Next Room!!!"

After DaDamerican's shouting, the JLA headed out of the room to the What Do We Do Next Room. That is, except for El Wood, who was still duct taped to the ceiling. "Computer. Super pinkie finger saber!"

A saber shot out of nowhere to El Wood's one free finger. With

his Zorro precision, he cut himself was out of the mangle of duct tape. He forgot however that he was on the ceiling and so he fell to the ground with a large thud.

"Ooooowwwwwwww!!!!" he moaned. It took him a minute to regain his senses.

"No one around here appreciates my abilities! They always think that I've had 'too much caffeine' or that I get 'too excited over stupid things.' I'm El Wood -- Spanish Rogue!! I can do whatever I want whenever I want! Why?! Because I'm a rogue, that's why! I never wanted to do this job in the first place! I... I wanted to be... A swordsman! Computer. Spotlight. Swashing and buckling sword to sword! With my best girl by my side!"

"The saber! The foil! The epee! The katana! Even short little daggers! Together we'd sing! Sing! Sing!"

"Oh, I'm a swordsman and I'm okay,

I swash all night and I buckle all day."

A bunch of swordsmen appear out of nowhere to form the

chorus.

Chorus : "He's a swordsman and he's okay,

He swashes all night and buckles all day."

...

--------------

JLA Headquarters -- The What Do We Do Next Room?

"OK guys we need a plan."

"Hey, DaDamerican. Say something that we don't already know,"

said Ice Queen sarcastically.

"Guys, Bill is a lot more powerful than before. We need to buy ourselves some time to prepare for him. We need a distraction."

"But how are we going to distract him, I.M.? His one goal is to destroy us."

"That's true, Heart-man. But what if we kill two birds with one stone."

The JLA gave Mike a very quizzical look.

"OK. What I mean is this. What if we were to...oh...say...somehow set Dr. Fuller against Bill. If we could think of a way to do this, Bill would be preoccupied with getting rid of Dr. Fuller, which would then give us the chance to prepare for him."

...

--------------

Rush -- Evil Cave

"Gremlin Lee!!"

"Yes master, oh Evil Bill Master Bill."

"Have my Bishop take my Knight."

Gremlin Lee goes to the huge chessboard and somehow manages to move the 500 pound Bishop into place. Bill was still playing chess against himself.

"I have calculated all the possible moves and I still can't win!!"

Frustratedly he goes over to the New and Improved Evil-Tron.

"Gremlin Lee! Is the New and Improved Evil-Tron working?"

"Yes, Great Evil Bill Super Master Bill."

"Okay. Let's see if this thing works now."

"But this time let's try something other 'best person.' Who is the baddest person in the universe?"

An image of DaDamerican is displayed.

"Curses!! Who is the Coolest Person in the Universe?"

A girl who is the same age as everyone else in this story appears.

"I've seen her before, but I'm not sure where... Who is the Infinitest Person in the Universe?"

An image of Infinite Mike is shown.

"Not him! I hate him!!" Bill slams his fist down on the computer so hard that the screen goes out and breaks three of his fingers.

"But why do you hate him so much more than the others, oh Wise Super Duper Master Evil Bill?"

"Gremlin Lee, it's simple. He beat me at chess!!!!!"

...

--------------

Ashland -- The Ghetto :

"Uuuuuuuuuuugggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!"

A man woke up in a dark alley. Dark alleys are never good to wake up in because it's usually a sign that something bad will happen.

"My head!!"

He clutched at his head trying to bear the pain. He finally is able to stand to his feet and regain part of his senses. He walks over to a window and sees a dim reflection. A refection that looks a lot like Kung Fu. He looks intently at the reflection trying to figure out who it is.

"That guy must be me. But who am I? Where am I?"

He looks around and then at himself.

"Based on my garb, I must be some kind of super hero. I need to find a way to figure out who I am and how I got here. What's this?"

He picks up the tiny business card. The card reads :

"EEEEEEEEEVVVVVVVIIIIIIILLLLLLL

BBBBBBBBBBIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!! Need

some evil done? Just call me, 1-900-IAMEVIL. Or visit my Evil Offices in Rush."

"Maybe this guy knows who I am. Well, it's a place to start. But I need a temporary super-hero name for myself, just so I can make some headway in finding out who I really am."

"Hey man!! What are you doin' here?! Are you some kinda pimp

or somethin’?!"

"Hmmmmm... pimp," he thinks.

"Yeah... yeah!! People call me the ... Pimpinator!!"

Chapter 13: Are Ya Nekkid?

Posted by Battling Beatnik on December 09, 1996 at 08:02:35:

JLA HQ

From a dark corner of the What Do We Do Next Room the Battling Beatnik strikes a match against the slide projector and lights a huge Cuban cigar that looks more phallic than enjoyable.

"Dig," he takes a deep draw off the nasty looking cigar and lets the smoke slowly seep from his mouth over the next few sentences. "You kids deal with the Dr. Fuller thing. I don't have the temperament for it right now. I'm gonna' go fetch ye 'ol’ Flotarr. Seein' how right now he could me more dangerous than that crazy evil guy ever could."

As the Battling Beatnik slowly cruises over to the door, Heart-Man manages to utter a few words. "You're forgetting--he's huge and not really liking us now."

"Forget? I never forget." He exits with the door like easing shut without a sound.

"Damn, he's cool," gasps the Ice Queen.

"Did you see that cigar? He's going to be sick!"

A violent volley of saturated coughing is heard down the hall.

JLA HQ--interrogation room

"So Fuller, where's the big man, the evil man, the smelly man, Evil Bill?" El Wood goes on drilling Fuller with questions from behind the magnificent heat lamp.

"None of you really like me! I wanna' go home! I'm gonna' be sick! Just watch, I'm really gonna'!" Fuller keeps whining until the entire JLA is about to break under the strain.

Girl Man snaps under the pressure. "How can you possibly be so freakin' annoying!?!"

"!!!I don't know!!!"

"DaDamerican, go get the car batteries!"

Infinite Mike recognizes the strain and pulls the group to the side for a new strategy.

Ice Queen-"How can one man be that annoying?"

Girl Man-"Where are the car batteries?"

Heartman-"Still, we need his help. Right?

DaDamerican-"I don't know if it's worth it."

El Wood-"Can anyone tell what he's doing over there?"

Infinite Mike-"Let's stay focused El Wood. How about we pretend to be his friends? Then maybe he'll cooperate and not whine so much."

All-"Good idea. It always worked before."

Ice Queen-"Wait a second. He's stopped whining."

They all quickly turn around to see fuller sitting quietly in the chair, no longer sweating under the heat lamp.

"Hi Fuller. How are you doing?" questions the confused DaDamerican.

Silence from Fuller.

"Would you like some soda pop...or maybe crayons?" asks the strangely aware Girl Man.

Still silence. By now the group is about 15 feet from the unnervingly content Fuller.

"My name...is...Doctor...Fuller...and you have all...made a grave...mistake."

Fuller rises from the chair and steps to the side to reveal an amazing robotic construct composed of his aluminum chair, the heat lamp, the buttons from his shirt, and his zipper. The JLAshland is caught unaware by the sight of Fuller with his pant down and is struck with a powerful heat ray from the robot. Now resembling more of Roman orgy with the majority of their costumes burned away the JLAshland snaps into action. After a brief conflict it dawns upon Heartman to unplug the heat lamp and the robot collapses into inactivity.

Clapping is heard from the doorway. "Heh Heh Heh. Sharp." It's the Battling Beatnik who has apparently passively witnessed the conclusion of the battle.

"Do you think you could have lent a hand?" inquires the frustrated Ice Queen.

"You kids did fine, just fine. But let me see what I can do." The Battling Beatnik reaches into his back pocket and tosses the nude Ice Queen a handkerchief.

"Oh my."

Fuller over in the corner starts to cry out. "I didn't see anything, Ice Queen. No! No! No! I didn't see any of your nakedness. Oh oh oh, I'm such a liar! I'm such a bad person! Is there anything I can do to make it up to you? Anything, just name it."

After fashioning a crude bikini from the Battling Beatnik's handkerchief the Ice Queen approaches the groveling Fuller.

"Now that you mention it, we are having some trouble with that Evil Bill fellow."

Everyone else appears unfazed by the nudity. DaDamerican walks out in the hall with the Battling Beatnik. "So, where's Flotarr? You couldn't have been gone more than an hour."

"He's sleeping it off in Wonder Mormon’s old room. Wasn't too hard to find him. Even easier to convince him those gallon jugs were full of moonshine instead of cough medicine."

"Damn, you are cool."

Chapter 14: This is a family story, for Pete's sake!

Posted by DaDamerican on December 16, 1996 at 22:51:58:

JLA HQ

Most of the JLA, re-costumed, sit at the planning table as Infinite Mike goes over possible strategies. The door shishes open, like on Star Trek.

"Hi, there. Miss me?"

"Wonder Mormon! Where have you been?"

"I was in Utah, of course. Tried the old 'change your identity' schtick for a while and fought crime and corruption under the name of Mormon Woman, but I could never get a cool enough costume. I ran into an old friend . . ."

"What? Who?"

"Evil Bill. And he tried to recruit me. Moron. How could he think that *he* is the best person in the world when I obviously am? Where's Joe?"

"Right here, darling." DaDamerican stood in the door. He, unlike the rest of the team, hadn't put his costume back on.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH! GROSS! GROSS!"

****************

Evil Cave, Rush

"The Rush Irregulars have assembled, o Evil Bill," Gremlin Lee said.

"All of them?"

"Yes. Inbred Lad, Psycho Killer Man, Brickface, and Annoying Girl are all here."

"Excellent. Soon, my revenge will be complete!"